When you work in the self-help sphere, something that you tend to hear often is the word "sabotage". More specifically, self-sabotage. Due to all kinds of issues that really deserve their own word count space, there are all kinds of reasons for why people sabotage their romantic relationships, certain job opportunities and one other thing that I'm gonna tackle today—friendships. I know it probably sounds super Mister-Rodgers-like to say that the best way to be a friend to someone else is to first be a friend to yourself; however, that really is the truth because, the reality is, to sabotage is to "undermine a cause". That said, it really is difficult to esteem your connections with other people when you don't see the true value in yourself, first. Once you do, though, that can lead you to the kind of friendships that are best for you, second. Yep, the two things pretty much go hand in hand.
It's important that I put that on record because, before getting into some of the toxic habits that can easily sabotage a friendship, it's a good idea to ask yourself if you're in a good space with your own self. For the sake of knowing the purpose of your friendships. For the sake of setting healthy boundaries in your friendships. Also, for the sake of not doing some of the stuff that ultimately ends friendships—friendships that actually can consist of mutual love and yet, they can still go super south due to issues like the following seven that I'm about to share with you.
1. Not Being Honest
OK. I know that, off top, when I say "not being honest", it probably looks like I'm referring to people who lie (check out "This Is How To Tell If Someone's Lying To You"). Lawd chile. If you've got friends who lie to you all of the time, there is absolutely nothing healthy about that. I will say that I was once very close to a pathological liar. While I sensed that "something in the buttermilk ain't clean", on a few levels, it wasn't until their therapist required that they spill the beans that I recognized the magnitude of how far the falsehoods actually went. In hindsight, I realize that my codependency stuck around for the BS. Meaning, I overlooked what my gut was telling me because I wanted to be there for them and, in some ways, they nurtured the relationship on other levels (like they were giving and supportive).
Anyway, no one who constantly lies to you is a friend to you (or to themselves). That's not actually what I'm talking about, though. What I'm referring to, specifically, are passive aggressive folks. You know what I'm talking about—the kind of people who tell you they are fine when they aren't. The kind of people who present your friendship as one way in your presence and another way when they are talking to others. The kind of people who give you the impression that you're much closer to them than you actually are (check out "Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?")—and it basically all boils down to the fact that they aren't being real, genuine and/or candid with you. Not necessarily because there is some shady or malicious intent. It's mostly because they aren't letting their guard down enough to reveal who they really and truly are. As a result, your friendship with them is more of a façade than anything else. Hmph. "Façade" is actually a really good word because it means superficial. Superficial is surface stuff. And when it comes to true friendships, staying on the surface all of the time doesn't really work. If not immediately…eventually.
2. Not Taking What You Dish Out
I say it often and I mean it every time that I do—a lot of people out here don't want friends; what they're actually looking for is fans. There are a billion different reasons why. One of them is because a lot of folks are extremely insecure. They're envious. They're always causing drama (usually because they don't trust well, so they are constantly creating problems in their mind). They're negative. They're disingenuous. They constantly live in a state of denial (facts and truth mean very little to them). Know what else? They are usually very critical of others. Here's the really fascinating thing about that—they can't handle it when the mirror is put in front of their own face and you are even a little critical of them.
The best kinds of friends aren't people who only tell you what you want to hear. That's not friendship, that is flattery, and flattery, more times than not, tends to have ulterior motives. So yes, emotionally mature people are well-aware of the fact that sometimes their friends are gonna call them out on their ish, tell them when they are dead wrong, and definitely be the kind of support system that holds them to the kind of standard that will ultimately make them a better individual.
If you've got someone in your life who feels 1000 percent like they are to serve that role in your life yet when the tables turn, they play the victim, lash out or give you the cold shoulder—not only is this a sign that they can't take what they dish out, it also means you are involved with someone who is so internally fragile that they could cause your friendship with them to break. Literally.
3. Not Honoring Specific Needs
Something that I personally think doesn't get addressed enough is the fact that having multiple friendships can be more challenging than having a spouse in the sense that, when you get married (at least in this country), you're with one person. Yes, it can be challenging and trying at times to figure out how to make that relationship, not only work but last; still, it's just ONE person. Friendships? Whew. Real ones are also quite intimate. And since everyone has their own personality, likes and dislikes and even relational expectations, figuring out how to keep your friendships in a good space can sometimes require more time, effort and energy than many actually want to do.
No doubt about it, one of the biggest causes of sabotaged friendships is the fact that far too many people take on that "one size fits all" approach when that couldn't be further from the truth. Since every person you are friends with is an individual, it's important to do things like learn their love language, figure out some of their triggers, learn how some of their past has made them how they are in the present and also definitely figure out what their relational needs are (as they do the same thing for you).
I've got a friend who hates gifts yet needs a good amount of quality time. I've got a friend who hates physical touch yet is really verbally affirming. One of my friends, I don't know if you could ever say anything to hurt their feelings (we've been homies for almost 30 years now). Meanwhile, I have another who is sweet as honey and yet super sensitive, almost to the point of walking on eggshells. Back in the day, I used to be the kind of person who was like, "I'm just me. Y'all deal with it." Yet the older I get and the more I learn that healthy friendships aren't a dime a dozen, I now make adjustments so that my friends can get just what they need from me. No two friendships are just alike. Figuring out what each friend needs in order for your friendship to thrive can definitely help the relationship to go the distance. If you don't do this…well.
4. Not Being Appreciative
There is a friendship that I had from my 20s right up until I turned 40. Around that time, I had to transition out of. There were a couple of issues within it; however, the one that had me be like, "Yeah, that's it" was the fact that this person had become so entitled that I basically couldn't stand to be in their presence anymore. All of us know certain things that we do well, right? Well, something that most folks know about me is I'm a pretty big giver—and I definitely enjoy blessing my friends. Yet this individual, I had done so much for them, that it got to a point where they started to expect it—and even acted like I was out of pocket when I would say "no", at times. So, why did I stay around for so long? Because they had other good qualities. They kept things in confidence. They prayed for me like no other person would. We had years of history and had supported one another through many people, places, things and ideas. Yet, that lack of appreciation thing really started to take its toll.
Appreciation is a really big thing in friendships. It's not just about being grateful; it's also about making sure that your friend knows that you are aware of what they bring into the friendship. It's about doing things that express how much you value them. A wise person once said, "Not everyone will appreciate what you do for them. You have to figure out who's worth your kindness and who's just taking advantage." Listen, you can love someone all day long. If you don't express that in a form of gratitude, you still could lose them, though. Straight up.
5. Not “Customizing” Each Friendship
To a certain degree, I've already addressed this point. Still, it's important enough that I think we should go, just a bit deeper. Remember how I said that no two friendships are just alike? OK, say that you're ready to buy a new couch. At the end of the day, all couches have basically the same function. Yet things do come into play like the design, the color, the fabric that it's made out of, the size, etc. Based on what you prefer, you could end up with a couch that you hate or one that you absolutely adore.
Friendships are similar in the sense that some people just want a movie date or wine tasting buddy. Some want a person who they can share their deepest secrets with, knowing that it won't go anywhere. Some want someone who they can be on the same page with when it comes to spiritual insights or professional goals. My confidant and I don't talk nearly as much as my godchildren's mother and I do. At the same time, my confidant knows that they can ring me at 4 a.m. to discuss or vent about whatever. Meanwhile, my godchildren's mom has a very taxing career, so we have to schedule time to spend time together; plus, I've gotta be super flexible in the sense that the schedule could actually change at the last minute. There's no reason to become frustrated with either dynamic. They are individuals. That's just the way it is.
One of the best things about having really good friends is the details that you know about one another. You get each other's preferences. You know one another's quirks. You don't compare them to other friendships that you have. You see each other as true individuals. Unfortunately, far too many friendships get sabotaged because folks loop their friends all in together in the sense that they give everyone the same kind of focus when things really need to be more…customized than that.
6. Not Being Proactive
I will say this until each and every single cow in the world comes home. One of the biggest causes of broken relationships, ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP, is the fact that far too many people opt for being reactive rather than proactive. What I mean by that is, they get lazy in their relationships and so they wait until their friend is irritated or even angry or hurt before putting any real attention into the friendship. If you know that your friend is big on birthdays, stop missing it and then circling back with a "happy belated" greeting card. If you know something seems a little "off" between you and your friend, don't wait for things to get worse; ask questions in order to gain some clarity. If they've pointed out to you a trigger, do your best to avoid stomping on it with your words and actions. Don't wait until a special occasion to do something special for them. And more than anything, try and be consistent in the good things that you do. Consistency is a superpower that truly doesn't get all of the credit that it deserves.
One of my closest friendships, a part of the reason why it has remained that way for so long is because we both are proactive in the sense of wanting to make the other feel like they are on the radar and not taken for granted. Proactiveness shows others that they are on your mind. Proactiveness shows that you want them to continue to be a part of your life. Proactiveness prevents you from being lazy in your friendships—so that you don't have to constantly try and fix things by acting reactively.
7. Not Allowing the Friendship to Evolve
Let's conclude this with a huge friendship sabotage issue. Two of my favorite quotes on personal evolution is, "Many people don't want to see you grow and evolve because growth intimidates those who live complacent lifestyles" (Unknown) and "Life is about evolving. Don't stay in a situation that's not helping you grow mentally, spiritually and emotionally" (Unknown). A very huge life reality is, that you can't evolve without change and as you change, that can cause your friendships to shift to some extent. Maybe you've taken on a new job that requires that you move. That is going to shift your friendship. Maybe you're single and your BFF is about to get married. That is going to shift your friendship. Perhaps you're pregnant. That is going to shift your friendship. Or you might've just lost someone very close to you. That is going to shift your friendship (death changes people; that isn't talked about enough either). Honestly, if you're making the most of every day of every year, growth is going to transpire—and that is going to shift your friendship. Especially since your friend is probably growing too.
This is why flexibility, to a large extent, is so important. You've got to love and respect your friends enough to give them to space to transform as they get older, are exposed to more, and learn more things. In return, they need to do the same thing for you as well. If you keep trying to hold people to who they were in college or when they were single or, to some extent, who they were last year—it's only going to lead to unrealistic expectations, a certain amount of frustration and, at some point, it could result in your friendship with them ending.
You get old and mature enough and you accept that a lot of friendships don't have to consist of big problems and huge "fallouts". Still, if you're not staying ahead of what can sabotage your friendships—those seemingly little things that can become huge over time—you can still lose precious members of your tribe. Good friends are hard to come by. Do everything in your power to avoid toxic habits that could end up sabotaging them.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- 10 Signs You're Standing In Your Own Way - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- How Pride Is Ruining Your Relationship - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Everything Jodie Turner-Smith Has Said About Life & Love After Divorce
Jodie Turner-Smith is very much everything. And we don’t say that lightly.
Her beauty, resilience, and talent are otherworldly. From her iconic role in Queen & Slim to her red carpet slays, she’s our queen. Being a celebrity is not for the faint of heart. Even if you try to keep your personal life on the down-low, the spotlight can be blinding. And even more so when it comes to love.
In 2018, Dawson Creek alum Joshua Jackson entered Jodie’s life. Rumors circulated that they first crossed paths at Usher's 40th birthday celebration, and subsequent sightings of them together at various events fueled speculation. Their relationship took a public turn in November 2018 when they attended the U.S. premiere of Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri as a couple. As time progressed, their bond became increasingly apparent through their appearances at award shows and other social gatherings.
In August 2019, the couple sparked wedding speculation when they were spotted acquiring a marriage license in Beverly Hills. Later, reports confirmed that they had tied the knot on August 18, 2019.
In 2020, they welcomed their daughter Juno into the world. In March 2023, Turner-Smith candidly shared with PEOPLE that she believes fulfillment comes from becoming the best version of herself for her child's sake. She wrote, "And I try to involve her in my life, not let work be this thing that exists outside of her, but that she also gets to be a part of. And so that she sees me being a working mother and being fulfilled and wanting to mother at the same time."
The world was astounded when Turner-Smith unexpectedly filed for divorce in September of last year, citing irreconcilable differences. Three months later, photographs surfaced showing Jackson holding hands with actress Lupita Nyong'o, raising questions about the timeline of events and the reasons behind the sudden split.
When speaking withGlamour, Jodie said, “Sometimes things we really want to work just don’t end up working and that’s okay. The most important thing is that you choose what’s healthiest for you and your family and definitely your children. There are so many different moments in our life where we look at ourselves and say, ‘Who am I and am I being true to that?”
Jodie is focusing on a new chapter in her life. Ahead, find everything Jodie has said about life and love after divorce.
Jodie on Moving Forward
Excited for the future, Turner-Smith and Jackson prioritize setting a positive example for their daughter, acknowledging when situations aren't functioning as intended.
During an interview with The Times, she shared, “The big takeaway is that this is about just as much love and joy as it has always been. This is only about taking a step forward into a better life for everybody involved.”
Jodie on Co-Parenting
Turner-Smith has said that she and Jackson are going through an "adjustment period" in terms of co-parenting, but that she's trying to get to the level of friendly exes. While the uncoupled pair is still working to smooth things out, she told Glamour, “It’s an adjustment period for anyone when they split up with someone, because you’re used to being with your child all the time.”
Jodie went on to say, “But nobody hands you a manual. Everyone’s trying to figure it out. Each parent has a different life, and especially if the reason why you’re splitting up is because you have different lives, it’s only further complicated by how you’re going to co-parent.”
Jodie on Focusing on Herself
Shortly after the announcement of her divorce, the actress took to Instagram sharing a quote, "Everything heals and grows when it is loved well. People, too."
Turner-Smith previously used quotes to convey her emotions during her divorce journey. Earlier in the month, the actress took to Instagram to share her perspective on love languages. "People don't always say, 'I love you.' Sometimes it sounds like: Be safe. Did you eat? Call me when you get home. I made you this."
Jodie on Battling the Innanets
The mommy mogul doesn’t bother responding to every single thing people say or think because it's a waste of time. Jodie told The Times, “At the end of the day I am not the only person in the world going through a divorce. There are millions of people in the world who are going through what I’m going through and that’s something that’s amazing about the internet, that sometimes it can offer you community.” And like Bishop GloRilla said, “At the end of the day, the day gotta end.”
Jodie on Dating
Like many of us, Jodie is over men. While she confessed to Glamour that she’s crushing on actor Steve Sanghyun Noh, the lead’s gorgeous husband in the Apple TV+ series Pachinko, she’s not currently dating. “Honestly, I think I love him,” she says, before quickly correcting herself, “I’m actually not dating, I’m over men.” In the meantime, she is searching for a cardboard cutout of Steve.
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Featured image by Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images for Victoria's Secret