I’m pretty sure that you got a general sense of what the purpose of your tongue is back in elementary school; however, as a brief recap: it’s a group of super flexible muscles (yep, not just one) that are full of blood and nerves.
The reasons why you need your tongue is because it 1) plays an essential role in helping you to properly digest your food; 2) makes it possible for you to taste your food; 3) makes it easier for you to speak clearly; 4) helps your immune system to fight off germs; 5) helps you to suck (I mean…), and 6) makes it easier for you to breathe at night. And so, with all that your tongue does for you, of course, you want to make sure that it stays as healthy as possible…right?
And just how do you know that your tongue is in good condition? The main sign is that it’s a shade of pink (which can go from light to dark). Another sign is that your tongue doesn’t have any of the following 10 issues going on. If yours does — and especially if yours remains with these symptoms for more than a couple of days — don’t take it lightly. Because, even though your tongue is only aboutthree inches long (and a little over two inches wide), it’s a little thing that makes a really big impact. Therefore, you need it to be as healthy as possible at all times.
1. Red Tongue
Another word for a red tongue isa strawberry one. Strawberry tongues happen as the result of being vitamin B12 deficient, experiencing a food or medication-related allergy, or having an underlying illness. Another thing that can cause a strawberry tongue is TSS, which is the abbreviation for toxic shock syndrome (wild, right?). So if you know that you are low in vitamin B12 and your tongue appears red, consider taking a B12 supplement and/orconsuming foods that are high in the nutrient, like beef, tuna, eggs, salmon, and milk alternatives (like almond or oat).
If you suspect that something else might be the case, make an appointment with your doctor because you may need an antibiotic or a prescription-strength antihistamine. Plus, you may need your healthcare provider to confirm that you don’t haveglossitis, which is a condition that addresses tongue inflammation; it looks similar to a strawberry tongue, yet the treatment is sometimes different.
2. Yellow Tongue
If you’ve been noticing that your breath doesn’t smell as fresh as it usually does, stick out your tongue to see if it has a yellowish hue to it. If so, that could be the underlying cause, as a yellow tongue is oftentimes caused by poor oral hygiene and/or a build-up of bacteria. Now, while it should go on record that certain foods, drinks, medications, mouthwashes, and even smoking (tobacco) can temporarily “stain” your tongue, if that is the case, the color will fade; if not, you may have a bout of yellow tongue.
And if it is due to poor hygiene, simply brushing your tongue should remedy it. However, since a yeast infection of the mouth (yes, it happens) and underlying conditions like jaundice and diabetes could also be the culprit, don’t “Google” a home remedy here. If your tongue remains yellow after a few days — especially if you have other symptoms like vomiting, a fever, or blood in your stools — make an appointment to see your physician as soon as possible, just to rule out that nothing else is potentially going on.
3. Bumpy Tongue
Honestly, there are all sorts of things that can result in you havinga bumpy tongue. You could have bitten or burned it, which resulted in some sort of tongue injury, you could have a food allergy, or you could have some sort of oral infection or an STI/STD like syphilis (which has jumpeda whopping 80 percent over the past few years when it comes to new cases) or oral herpes or it could be something as simple (and hella common) as an old-fashioned canker sore.
If it is a canker sore (which is nothing more than a mild mouth ulcer), avoiding spicy foods for several days and rinsing your mouth with some baking soda and water should speed up the healing process. On the other hand, if the bump continues to grow or doesn’t go away within 7-10 days, your doctor may need to perform some blood tests to see why it is still hanging around.
4. White Coating on Tongue
Typically, if you happen to have a thin water coat on your tongue, you simply need to brush it. However, it would be irresponsible of me to not also bring up the fact that a white tongue could also be a sign of dehydration (especially from drinking too much alcohol), not consuming enough fresh fruits and vegetables, breathing through your mouth instead of your nose (which can “dry out” your tongue), damaging your tongue with a sharp object (or dentures) and/or smoking or vaping tobacco. The silver lining in all of this is you can pretty much resolve these with the help of a few lifestyle changes.
5. Sore Tongue
I don’t know what in the world makes people think that they need a condom for intercourse, and yet they can’t get an STI/STD from oral sex because that couldn’t be further from the truth. Pretty much any sex-related infection that you can get from intercourse, you can get from oral activity, so if you’re sexually active, not getting tested regularly, and your tongue has been feeling sore or you notice sores in your mouth, contact your doctor so that they can run some tests.
That said, it’s also important to keep in mind that ulcers, food allergies, smoking, nutrient deficiencies, certain medications, oral cancer, and various infections can lead to having a sore tongue too. Since the causes are so vast, when should you be particularly concerned? If your tongue develops lumps or blisters, changes color, or is also in pain, that’s your cue to see your physician. Please make sure that you do.
6. Green Tongue
If your tongue starts off looking white andthen ends up turning green, it could be due to a build-up of bacteria. However, another thing that it could be a sign of is oral thrush or even oral cancer. Since oftentimes this particular color is yeast-related, avoid trying to self-diagnose it. Instead, contact your doctor because there is a good chance that you may need the type of antifungal medication that requires a prescription.
7. Gray Tongue
Psoriasis is a chronic autoimmune condition; eczema is not, although it can produce symptoms that look similar to psoriasis, including an itchy rash. What a lot of people don’t know, though, is you can have psoriasis and eczema in your mouth. When it’s due to psoriasis, it’s oftentimes linked to what is known as geographic tongue, where spots and patches are on the tongue — and when those patches are actual lesions, sometimes they can appear to be gray in color.
Since eczema and oral cancer can also cause your tongue to look gray, it’s best to have your doctor or dentist take a look at it, especially if you have trouble eating or swallowing, too.
8. Blue Tongue
If yourtongue has a blueish hue (and it’s not because you ate something like a bowl of blueberries or had a blue or purple popsicle), the first thing that it’s probably a sign of is poor circulation. If that is the case, you need to head to an emergency room as soon as possible because blood circulation issues are absolutely nothing to play with. Something else worth taking note of is if you have some varicose veins on other parts of your body, it’s not totally abnormal to get a couple of them on your tongue as you get older.
Although that is not a medical emergency, you should still monitor them and bring them to your doctor’s attention at your next visit. Also, anemia can cause a blue or purple tongue, so if your tongue is that color and you’re constantly feeling tired or weak, you are lightheaded, you have shortness of breath, or an irregular heartbeat, put your physician on notice.Anemia is nothing to play with either.
9. “Hairy” Tongue
Did you know that your tongue is supposed to do some of its own shedding (not peeling but shedding)? Basically, the tongue's papillae are what gives your tongue its “rough” surface, and when those little bumps don’t get new cells, it can lead to what is known as a hairy tongue, which is simplya build-up of keratin that can make your tongue look “hairy.” Not only that but if your tongue gets to this point, food, bacteria, and yeast can accumulate and can turn your tongue into a totally different color.
Although more seniors than younger adults end up with a hairy tongue, it’s good to remember that it occurs due to poor oral hygiene and, although a tongue scraper (followed by consistent brushing of your tongue) should remedy the issue if a hairy tongue recurs, you should definitely make an appointment with your dentist or doctor. A hairy tongue, you should not have.
10. Peeling Tongue
Even something as small as a canker sore can feel like it’s big as hell when it’s on your tongue, so just imagine whata peeling tongue must feel like. More times than not, this is the result of oral thrush or physical damage that is done to the top layer of your tongue including constantly drinking or eating spicy or acidic foods. Although a peeling tongue tends to be more irritating than anything, if it’s accompanied by a fever, tongue swelling, or bumps that continue to grow or open up — you already know what I’m about to say.
You need your tongue, sis. Therefore, it’s important that you pay attention to when it sends signs that it’s not working at its optimal level. At the end of the day, whether you realize it or not, your overall health and well-being depend on it.
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I’ve never been married before (which is how I personally define single), so did that trigger me? Eh. Trigger isn’t the right word (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”); more like, it reminded me of how tired I am of, again, shallow and gross generalizations. You see, I’ve been a marriage life coach, successfully so, for over 20 years now and I’m even super proud to say that I’ve been able to help to reconcile a few divorces along the way — something that I don’t personally know any therapist, counselor or life coach, married or not, to have done. You see, when you have a purpose, are committed to it, and take evolving in it seriously, “status” and people’s opinions don’t hinder it.
Hmph, if anything, let me tell it, folks should applaud singles who respect marriage enough to not want to just…do it…just to be doing it. Besides, as I oftentimes say, with the divorce rate what it is (still holding at around 50 percent, by the way), seems like even married people (and a lot of divorced folks) are out here “crap shooting” when it comes to providing insights on how to make a marriage work and last — in a healthy way (which is key) too.
And just what does all of this possibly have to do with today’s topic? Well, because life is full of cynical people (chile, I am well aware), if anything has the potential to rub some folks the wrong way it would be what we’re about to touch on — at least, on the onset. Because what’s a very popular saying out in these internet streets: “Relationships, especially marriage, are hard work,” right? And here I come, with my single self, pushing back on that — AND I AM.
And you know what? Due to a philosophy that I both have and implement into my coaching, I have seen many married couples shift from “hard work” to marital maintenance. And a big part of it has been because we have worked through the following seven points — and that has altered, shoot, everything.
Are you ready to hear why this single woman believes what she does about the whole “It really doesn’t have to be grueling” thing?
Let’s proceed.
Toiling vs. Maintenance. Let’s Discuss.
GiphyThe first time that I recall being introduced to the word “toil,” was in the Bible, after God gave Adam and Eve their consequences for what went down at the tree. Eve was told that she would submit to her husband and experience pain during labor and Adam was told that he would have to toil for his provision (Adam was to toil not Eve — some of y’all will catch that later — Genesis 3:14-21).
Toil is a rough word. It means “hard and continuous work” and “exhausting labor or effort.” Some synonyms for toil include exertion, pains, sweat, drudgery, and strain. As a result of Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:18-25), Adam was going to have to work hard, continuously so, to meet a lot of his and his family’s needs. Toiling was the result of not listening. Bookmark that.
When it comes to relationships being hard work, while there are definitely seasons when a couple will have to put in more sweat (and tears) equity to get through more than others (because some seasons throw more stress and curveballs than others), if they constantly feel like their union is a form of toiling? Something is definitely up — and not in a good way.
Personally, I liken relationships to starting a garden: although, in the beginning, you may have to put in a lot to prepare the soil, remove the rocks, fertilize, plant, etc., once you get your groove and you make it a point to care for your garden on a daily basis, then it transitions into mere maintenance:
Maintenance: the act of maintaining; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood
Maintain: to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain; to keep in an appropriate condition, operation, or force; keep unimpaired; to keep in a specified state, position, etc.; to affirm; assert; declare; to support in speech or argument, as a statement or proposition; to keep or hold against attack; to provide for the upkeep or support of; carry the expenses of; to sustain or support
Synonyms: cultivate (that’s a good one); manage; guard; renew; repair; supply; protect; provide; retain; uphold; persevere; advocate; hold; insist; stand by
Toiling (hard work) vs. maintenance (to keep in existence) — do you see how, while they both certainly require effort, one is way more straining and stress-filled than the other? And do you also get a bit more of why I am a firm believer that if folks are willing to “maintain their relationship garden,” expressing on-loop about how hard things are, that simply doesn’t have to be the case?
So, what causes so many folks to believe that relationships are more like toiling instead of maintenance? Good question.
1. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not with the Right Person
GiphyThere is a divorced woman and an engaged man who I find myself being like, “Naw, that’s not everyone; that’s YOU” whenever they tell me or I hear them tell other people about how hard marriage is. The divorced woman?
To this day, I definitely will stand by the fact that she had one of the most unhealthy marriages that I had ever witnessed and a big part of it was because she ignored rows of red flags before saying “I do” — his totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother; his very odd views on religion and race; the fact that he didn’t have many friends (and that he was low-key disrespectful to hers); how selfish and controlling he was (and still is); his very shallow views on therapy…oh, I could go on and on.
She married him anyway and so, what did she think was going to happen? That her marriage was going to be easy street? With a man like that?
As far as the engaged guy goes, I don’t think I’ve seen him and his fiancée go 10 days without some kind of a drag-out argument. He is constantly wanting to feel respected and she is constantly feeling unheard. He has been married before and felt the same way in his other relationship. And so, when he says that relationships are hard work — sir, you keep picking the same kind of person over and over again. Not getting a lesson in life and repeating it until you do? Yep, that is hard work.
And that’s why the first thing that must be addressed when it comes to “hard work relationships” is if you’re with someone who really isn’t your best fit — because…have you ever tried to put a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t belong? That is indeed some hard work. On the other hand, when it goes where it was designed to, it slides in with ease.
I could go on and on about this point; however, I think y’all get the gist. Plus, there is more ground to cover, so let’s continue…
2. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Don’t Put in Daily Intentional Effort
GiphyIf someone were to ask you how much time, on average, couples spend together on a daily basis, what would you say? If you have no clue, let me give you a hint: it’s the same amount of time that most people also spend on social media: 2.5 hours. This literally means that folks are out here prioritizing their relationship in the same way that they do their Instagram account — and that is a damn shame.
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” And this is probably the reason why a lot of individuals, when asked why their relationship ended, will simply shrug and say, “We just grew apart.” Did you — or did you not put in daily effort to maintain — guard, renew, supply, uphold, and manage — your relationship? Because really, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week, and roughly 720 hours in a month (depending on how many days are in said month) and only a tiny bit of that time is spent on your relationship, how could trying to play catch-up not feel like hard work to you?
While growing up, I would go to visit my dad and great-grandparents in Dallas every summer. A memory that I have is my great-grandfather watering the lawn, every evening, like clockwork. He had the best lawn on the block too. He wasn’t sweating and struggling while he was out there with his water hose. That man would sit in a lawn chair and kick right on back — because he was maintaining his yard…daily.
If a lot of couples were honest, they would admit that they put more time into, shoot, everything else BUT their relationship — and that’s why it feels like hard work so much. If that’s you, devote that social media time to your bae. See how much it improves and enhances your dynamic when you do. It just might surprise you.
3. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’ve Got a Toxic “Support System”
GiphyWanna know something that really makes a relationship hard? Having moments of struggle and having family members and friends who only have negative things to say. This is another reason why it amazes me that folks think that single people are automatically relationally problematic to married folks (as far as advice and insight go) when my clients tell me that it’s mostly MARRIED AND DIVORCED INDIVIDUALS who they get some of the worst advice from as far as how they should handle their “valley situations.”
Whew, there is nothing like someone claiming to tell you that they are looking out for you when really, they are just projecting their own toxic mess onto you — and that happens…a lot. And when you don’t have people around who are fans of marriage and advocates of yours (not either or…both), when you need someone to lean on, pray for you, offer insight that will “get you to the other side” and no one’s around — of course, that can make your relationship feel like really hard work. Of course, you are going to toil.
Right now, I have a friend who is going through one of the hardest times in her marriage. Guess who she’s talking to a lot? Me. Why? “I know that you will never encourage me to leave my husband,” she has said — and she’s right. Meanwhile, she’s got some married people who are talking about what they wouldn’t put up with or tolerate. This man isn’t abusing my friend. They are simply having a challenging time. It happens. What she needs is the kind of support that is going to “fuel her” through this part of her journey — not a group of folks who bring new meaning to misery loves company (online or off, by the way).
Yeah, surrounding yourself with poison when you are going through a relationship trial? That can definitely make marriage feel like it’s really, really hard work.
4. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Fail to Take Accountability
GiphyEver notice that when people talk about why their marriage failed, 8.5 times out of 10, they will go on and on about what their former spouse did or didn’t do and yet will say absolutely nothing about what they could’ve/should’ve done better?
That’s called not taking personal accountability and it actually helps to explain why the divorce rate significantly increases with second (67 percent) and third (73 percent) marriages — people are so busy thinking that someone else is the problem and so all they need to do is “push reset” with a new person when all that does is amplify the point of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Everywhere you go, there you are.” (I believe it’s Confucious who originated that.)
Accountability helps you to take responsibility for your actions. Accountability helps you to see where you can stand to improve. Accountability helps you to take constructive criticism. Accountability helps you to handle things in a mature rather than childish fashion (more of that in a bit). Accountability helps you to apologize. Accountability helps you to actually listen instead of always wanting to only be heard. Accountability helps you to grow up.
If you are bad at holding yourself accountable or you are in a relationship with someone who sucks at personal accountability — hell, no wonder your relationship is wearing you out. You can’t get anywhere far or good with someone who refuses to hold themselves accountable. My advice in this instance? See a therapist/counselor/life coach — STAT.
5. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Your Expectations Are Unrealistic (or Hypocritical)
GiphyI believe I’ve shared before that I’ve got a friend — a friend who’s been married for over 20 years, by the way — who, whenever his wife finds herself comparing their marriage to others or she rants about things that she’s dissatisfied with and it seems to come totally out of the blue, he will simply say, “You need to lower your expectations, honey.”
It tickles me every time I think about it because, what he’s basically saying is, “Now, you were fine until you went on a scrolling social media marathon or one of your friends talked about their wedding ring upgrade and now, here you are — making problems where there are none.” See, he’s not telling her to have no expectations; he’s telling her to be realistic about the ones that she comes up with — and that is some grown kids' advice right there.
When it comes to this particular point, a great example of having unrealistic expectations is to bring perfectionism into your relational dynamic. Wanting a flawless relationship is always going to make things trying because not only is there no such thing (because you are not perfect and neither is your partner), perfectionism is rooted in things like being hypercritical, never knowing how to be content, setting goals that are damn near impossible to reach, constantly stressing yourself out as well as those who are around you and not knowing how to live in the moment.
I know some perfectionists and I honestly try to keep my distance from them because they are draining to be around, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. SMDH. If this pushed some buttons, absolutely, being in a relationship with a perfectionist is hard work.
As far as the hypocrisy thing goes — it deserves its own article. For now, I’ll just say, that if you’re someone who expects from your partner what you yourself are not providing, not only are you being hypocritical, but you are a miserable person to be around as well. Because there is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who sets higher expectations of their partner than they do for their own selves. Amen? Amen.
6. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Intimacy Is Lacking
GiphyI am totally unapologetic when I say that one of the greatest relationship gaslights of all time is believing that someone is unfaithful if they have sex with someone other than their committed partner while totally ignoring the fact that it is also an unfaithful act to commit to being your partner’s only sex outlet while refusing to sleep with them. Both things are selfish. Both things are toxic. Both things are relationally counterproductive. Yeah, you are definitely setting yourself up to have an excruciating relationship if you fall into one of these categories.
That’s a big part of the reason why I appreciated the “Dead Ass Podcast Season 4- Episode 2: Monogamy Expectations Vs. Reality” episode (featuring Devale and Khadeen Ellis) that I watched a few weeks back. Although it’s a few years old, if you are married or are considering getting married, it really is an unfiltered take between a husband and wife about intimacy, the expectations and needs within intimacy, and how to balance it all that you should check out. Something else that I like about it?
It’s a blaring reminder that SEX IS A RESPONSIBILITY IN MARRIAGE — and perhaps that is one of the real downsides about sex outside of it: since, when you are single, you are mostly focused on you and you alone when it comes to sex, it can be hard to realize that you need to prioritize your partner’s needs just as much as your own (as they do the same for you) after jumping the broom.
This means that no — you can’t be out here “not in the mood” for months at a time and then be freaking out at the thought of your partner liking an IG picture. Because let’s be real — on what planet does a sane person sign up for exclusivity or monogamy and then not expect to receive intimacy from the only source that they committed to get it from? Listen, if your partner sleeps with someone else, they cheated and, at the same time, if you refused to sleep with them, didn’t you cheat (the agreement) too?
In a long-term committed relationship, sex is one of the main things that sets it apart from all other relational dynamics. If you’re not bringing that to the table, how are YOU being faithful to the relationship?
Let’s please stop bugging when it comes to this because absolutely no one (who is physically capable) wants to be in a long-term sexless romantic relationship. That said, anyone who has a partner who minimizes intimacy, manipulates intimacy, or weaponizes intimacy — they are absolutely grueling to be around. Torturous even. And yes, to try and make it work with this type of individual…that is beyond hard work.
7. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not Mature Enough for a Relationship
GiphyThere is a man that I know who has been married for a few decades at this point and, throughout that entire time, he has mentioned how hard and incredibly stressful his marriage is. I bet because I have seen in a very up close and personal way that he’s with someone who is emotionally immature.
Yeah, while social media influencers are constantly talking about how they want someone who is emotionally intelligent (effective conflict management is one sign of that, relationship folks — so is apologizing and forgiving — hmm…), what we really need to be addressing in these streets is what it means to be emotionally immature:
- Emotionally immature people are poor communicators
- Emotionally immature people are self-centered
- Emotionally immature people act impulsively
- Emotionally immature people are inflexible and don’t know how to compromise
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent
- Emotionally immature people like to play the victim
- Emotionally immature people don’t manage their emotions well
- Emotionally immature people make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotionally immature people tend to overreact to things
- Emotionally immature people “go on the attack” and/or hit below the belt during conflict
Meanwhile, signs of emotional maturity:
- Emotionally mature people know how to own their ish without deflecting
- Emotionally mature people have healthy boundaries
- Emotionally mature people are solutions rather than problems-oriented
- Emotionally mature people are flexible and adaptable
- Emotionally mature people strive to see the positives and silver linings of things
- Emotionally mature people are humble (peep how much social media pushes back on humility)
- Emotionally mature people are very self-aware (about their good and not-so-good points)
- Emotionally mature people can put themselves in other people’s shoes
- Emotionally mature people aren’t bitter
- Emotionally mature people know how to be patient
Do you know how many folks out here are absolutely not with an emotionally mature person? And when a grown adult feels like they are damn near babysitting their partner — how could that not feel like some really hard work?
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Now do you get why this article has the title that it does? Just imagine if more people took all of what I said to heart and then altered the things that they are doing here. Do you get how their relationship could go from being hard work to being maintenance? Less toiling and more cultivating? Less exhausting labor and more upkeep? Less drudgery and more affirming?
Again, I have clients who’ve told me that since we’ve worked on these very issues, their marriage is easier than it’s ever been. Hmph. That’s what happens when you stop calling the relationship “hard work” and focus more on being easier to deal with instead.
Both ways. Just sayin’.
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