Motherhood Is More Than Your Average "Smoke Break"
When you become a mother, one of the first changes you recognize (besides the fact that your abdomen will never ever be the same after a C-section) is that changes in your professional life will have to accommodate the radical reduction in free time you now have.
Motherhood definitely makes you move differently in the professional world.
Last year at The Pennsylvania Conference for Women, Michelle Obama offered some insight about the demands that come with being a working mother and their needs for flexible schedules:
"I had both kids and Barack was in the Senate. I told my boss do not check for me for these needless meetings. I do not have time for that. I will be getting work done. If you are looking for me to sit down in meetings to make you feel good, I can't do it because I am working my butt off."
Luckily, the nonprofit I'm employed at takes work/life balance very seriously. We don't exactly have an on-site daycare, but for the most part my colleagues, parents or not, recognize that although being a caregiver can be unpredictable and tiresome, it doesn't mean you will be automatically ineffective as a professional, especially when a workplace is supportive of your situation.
So when an article compared motherhood to the new "work smoke break," I couldn't help but laugh.
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Having a toddler pelt you with soggy Goldfish crackers and requests for Puppy Dog Pals, Episode 7 (at exactly at the three-minute 12-second mark) is anything but a smooth, long drag. But studies show that according to some colleagues that are child-free, moms have it made in the workplace. "Are Women Without Children Discriminated Against at Work?" asks if motherhood is the new "smoke-break" that offices everywhere are accommodating.
In the piece, several child-free working women expressed their feelings on their time at work being taken for granted since they don't have a report card conference or PTA meeting to run to after the work day. Helen Read, a 28-year-old civil engineer shared that work/life balance sounds like an inclusive term, but really is treated differently in the workplace depending on whether an employee has children or not. She says management often forgets that even those that are not parents have loved ones that they care for also, and that care can't always be arranged conveniently around the work day:
"People forget that single people have people they care about outside of the traditional relative structure, and they are often more likely to work late when the parents are leaving early to collect the kids from school."
As a working mother, I'd like to add that every working mom is different. I've stayed late to cover many a shift and thankfully have a good support system in place to aid with childcare.
I also have colleagues who call out way more than I do and don't have any small children at home. So it's not safe to assume just because someone is a working parent, that they have zero flexibility. However, at my workplace, I'm thankful for a family-friendly policy that extends to all employees, parents or not. I'm also conscious of seeking those types of policies when I apply for jobs.
But what about those employees who feel they should get first dibs on every holiday including Arbor Day because they have kids? Or the parents who feel like they can show up two hours late and leave an hour early because Junior has a school play after working on his science project all night? Lastly, what about the managers who accommodate all of this?
Admittedly, I'll say that kids are the best excuse ever to get out of anything. Extra-long weekend? Call work on Friday morning and tell them your toddler has had the runs all night. Bestie wants you to hang with her annoying friends from college? No childcare, sorry.
But some argue that it's more than a convenient "excuse." Further, more and more work policies are allowing women to do less work for the same pay, and it's not fair. But even with all that support in the world, most days even with what many would say is an ideal support system, any time I use my kid as an excuse to get out of anything, it's because I damn well need the break. Granted, the mom life is the life I chose, but most days I'm operating on less than five hours of sleep and staying in the shower for an extra twenty minutes just to escape singing the wrong lyrics to "Wheels On the Bus" for the seventeenth time.
Comparing motherhood to anything that resembles a break is comical at least, and insulting at best.
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Whether you have a newborn at home or a very ill French bulldog, work/life balance is just that: a balancing act.
Employers have to recognize that life can't always occur around a 9-5 schedule and you don't have to be chained to your desk to be doing your job in many positions. On the same token, employees have to learn how to be flexible and work together. As a mom, I don't expect to have first dibs on every single holiday, nor do I expect not to pull the same weight as my colleagues because I created life (but you got admit that's pretty damn impressive). But seriously, it's also about not taking advantage of policies meant to support those in need. Coming in a few hours late because your elderly mother is sick is one thing, calling out for two days straight because your dog had a few Hershey kisses and the runs might be pushing it.
Lastly, it's about recognizing who the real issue is with. You can be mad all day for having to cover a shift for a third time for a co-worker whose bailed on her work obligations for her family, but is your problem with her or the supervisor that keeps allowing her to do so?
Let's not forget there's another side to the working-mom coin. It's a side where it's automatically assumed I can never go above and beyond because I'm "burdened" by my motherly duties, and in some ways, that's true. Being a working mom means you can't pull that all-nighter on the office presentation because you're committed to a consistent bath and bedtime routine for your toddler. Meanwhile, the next morning, you're faced with the eager new college grad, high on Red Bull and presenting color-coded Excel sheets to the board while you're blowing Goldfish dust off your day-planner.
Whether you're a working mom with two kids or fresh out of college with only a betta fish to care for, there's something to be said about not allowing any employer to make you to lose sight of the fact that work is not life and you shouldn't have to be handcuffed to a desk, a cell phone, or an inbox as proof of how committed you are to your job.
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I'm not here to engage in a "battle of the struggles" but if you feel like you're currently in a professional space where you feel like parents are getting all of the "perks," you may need to spend more time in HR's office fighting for policies that support flexibility for all workers instead of ranting about being penalized for the kids you don't have.
I've been on both sides, I've seen a colleague be employed for two months and make the same amount I've made in two years solely based on management's knowledge of her single-mom status, and not actual performance. I've also been the mom who had a manager look the other way when I miss a deadline because newborns = sleep deprivation. We all have privileges at some point in our lives, the point is that we all support one another so that flexibility in the workplace truly serves all employees in a way that's fair regardless if they use personal time for traveling the world or anyplace where Puppy Dog Pals, Episode 7 isn't playing.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Featured image by Getty Images
- Confessions of a Working Mother | The New Yorker ›
- The Working-Mom Story Every Young Woman Should Hear ›
- The Truth About Being a Working Mom ›
- 10 Ways Moms Can Balance Work and Family ›
- Dear Working Mom | HuffPost ›
- How The Children Of Working Moms Feel About Them Now ›
- Working Mother: Work-Life Balance Tips & Advice for Moms ›
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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