A couple of weeks ago, I ended up having an impromptu—count it—four-hour-long conversation with a newly engaged couple. Although the topics pretty much ran the gamut of marriage, one thing, in particular, took longer than just about everything else. What was it? House chores. More specifically, folding clothes.
As the soon-to-be husband went on and on about how particular he is about folding and the soon-to-be wife shared that she couldn't care less about folding at all, let alone doing it in a specific kind of way, I was like, "Let's make sure to talk this thing through, then. You don't live together yet, but you might be surprised how something as 'small' as a pile of clean laundry can cause two people to fall all the way out after six months or so."
It's them (and that convo) that has inspired this piece. Over the years of having conversations with lots of married couples who love each other, but do honestly wish that they had been better prepared for what they got themselves into prior to jumping the broom, here are 10 things that all singles should definitely discuss with their partner prior to saying "I do".
1. Their Partners Real Views on Politics and Religion
Recently, I had a conversation with a white male client of mine on the topic of politics and race relations that had me so fired up that I seriously contemplated not working with him anymore. I mean, hearing him talk about how white men are currently the most oppressed demographic in our country right now was enough to make me want to hang up and block my number. Then I had to remind myself that we see things through totally different life lenses, and he was saying that kind of stuff because he doesn't deal with people of color often (clearly). At least for the time being, he needs a "double minority" to educate him on some things. Life lessons sometimes come in the most cryptic forms.
I'm sharing that little tale because, while a lot of us were taught to never discuss politics and religion with others (I don't totally agree with that, by the way), that's not something that is going to fly with a marriage partner. I have friends who didn't make these things enough of a priority while they were dating and now, they are uncomfortable, if not totally pissed, because they are an activist while their spouse couldn't be more passive or empathetic, or they want their spouse to go to church with them while their husband or wife couldn't care less about religion.
Our views on politics and religion speak volumes to how we see and move through society. These two things are definitely something that you and yours should talk about. More than just on the surface or a couple of times too.
2. Their Partner’s Relationship with Their Parents
Sigh. I can't tell you how many mama's boys I know and yes, many of them are married. While they are disguised as men who simply have a deep love and appreciation for their mother, pay attention to things like how much the son financially contributes to his mom's life, how much of y'all's business that he tells her and/or if she's respectful towards you—both in and out of your presence. A friend of mine has been in counseling with her husband for years because he doesn't know how to establish healthy boundaries with his mother. As a result, his wife isn't his top priority; his mother is. That's not how it's supposed to be either. So yeah, you really need to pay attention to the dynamic your man has with his mom.
Something else that's important is having serious discussions about both of your upbringings. Not having one or both parents in the home affects a child. Being abused or neglected (which is a form of abuse) affects a child. Constantly moving (which sometimes teaches you to detach easily) affects a child. I could go on and on, but I think you get my point. A child's spirit is extremely fragile.
If it is broken and not healed, it can cause that child to become a fractionated adult; one with the kind of issues that you don't sometimes see until after you marry them.
3. Their Partner’s Perspectives on Leadership and Submission
Another one of my friends has a wife who loathes the word "submit". Meanwhile, it doesn't get more Alpha male than her husband. Personally, submission is not a word that bothers me; not in the least. To me, it's not about having a lack of power; it's about directing it in such a way that makes my partnership with my husband that much more effective…supernatural even.
Unfortunately, I don't think a lot of women see it that way. The thought of submitting, on any level, totally freaks them out. The reality is if you profess to be a Bible believer, it's a biblical instruction (Ephesians 5:22, Colossians 3:18). But don't miss that as you submit to your husband, he is supposed to submit to the Lord. Otherwise, he's not going to be a good leader; he's not going to value the gift of you sharing your power, in order to make him and your marriage better.
The friend that I just told you about? He had no clue that his wife treats submission like a cuss word until after they got married. I bet you can just guess how that union is going right about now. Listen, I'm not saying that you have to see submission the exact way that I do. What I am advising is most marriages do have some level of leadership/submission roles in them. Don't assume that you and yours are on the same page on this. Instead, be very upfront and honest in discussing them. As soon as possible, please.
4. How Their Partner Handled Stressful Situations
Another couple that I know, it's all good. That is, until there a stressful situation comes up. Then the husband becomes controlling and overbearing. He doesn't listen to his wife's counsel, he's patronizing and condescending, and that pushes her to the point of screaming and throwing stuff. Yep, it's a hot mess.
A part of the reason why I really like couples who were genuine friends before they became lovers is because it's easier to see someone's true colors that way. Friends tend to see one another at their best and at their worst. This means they know how they act when things are going their way and when they aren't.
A lot of folks are wonderful to be around—until they lose their job, a bill isn't paid or they receive some type of bad news. Then they reveal a totally different side of themselves. If you and your man have never gone through some bona fide hard times, wait a while before contemplating marriage. A spouse who can't handle stressful situations is a spouse that is going to make your life miserable during moments like those (moments that are bound to happen).
5. How Their Partner Prioritized Money
SMDH. Boy, the examples just keep on coming today. There are two different couples that I've worked with, who are divorced today. A big part of the cause is related to money. It's been my observation that in a lot of marital dynamics, one spouse tends to be more, "intentional" is the word that comes to mind, when it comes to things like planning, saving and responsible spending. Then there's the other who is a lot more free-spirited. The two couples that I'm referring to, the wives were all about running up thousands of dollars in credit card debt due to impulsive spending more than anything else. Here's the thing, though—they had jacked up credit, were asking their daddy for money all of the time and were putting clothes before bills when they were single. Meanwhile, the then-boyfriends figured that everything would somehow miraculously change once their then-girlfriends married them.
I don't know what makes people think that a stroll down an aisle is going to somehow miraculously break a person's lifestyle habits and patterns.
If there is something that is concerning you now about your partner's relationship with money or there's something you know you need to get better at yourself, now would be the time to address it; not after you are husband and wife. Otherwise, there's a huge chance that you could end up…just like those now four divorced people are.
6. Their Partner’s Sex Drive
I remember an engaged woman once sharing with me how excited she was to be getting married. Being that I love all things sex, and I knew that she and her fiancé were waiting until their wedding night to do-the-do, I asked her if she was looking forward to that as well. She paused and then said, "I mean, I think my husband and I are looking forward to just sharing a bed and cuddling more than anything else. Sex isn't the focal point." Girl, please. Your man has waited for years for you and copulation isn't gonna be a focal point for him?! (I should've referred her to Dr. Myles Munroe's message, "Men Don't Want Sex, They Need Sex".)
Yet, I deal with couples constantly where, while they seem to have been able to master the other rooms of their home, their bedroom is always a point of contention. One has a higher sex drive or a totally different set of expectations than the other. And when those needs aren't met, disappointment and resentment, start to creep in.
A very important staple of marriage is sex. Whether you decide to wait until marriage or not, before you partake, it needs to be talked about. Matter of fact, if you are currently sexually active with your partner, it should probably be discussed more because, as a husband once told me, "Having sex with a girlfriend is very different than having sex with your live-in business partner." He was speaking of his wife. Those are pearls of wisdom right there.
7. Their Partner's Previous Dating Patterns
One of my friends, while she was dating her now-husband, they spoke pretty freely about their past dating experiences. Some people don't think that's wise, but I think that if two individuals are comfortable enough to do that, it speaks to a level of self-confidence, comfortability and resolve that is healthy. Anyway, her husband had two serious loves before her. When she asked why they ended, he casually mentioned that they didn't like his dynamic with his mom; they thought it was extremely codependent.
At the time, my friend chalked it up to two women being potentially bitter about the break-up. Oh, but bay-bay! Ask her now if that's what she thinks! He and his mother continue to have an extremely toxic relationship but, unlike his exes, she has a daily front row seat to it.
Hopefully, if we're all paying close attention, our past relationship will help us to learn and grow. At the same time, patterns are patterns, so it never hurts to unpack what you and your man's dating patterns have been. Better to see a red flag now and work through it, than totally ignore them and end up being blindsided—or ready to file those papers—later.
8. How Important (or Not Important) Romance Was to Their Partner
There are some husbands I know who love their wives with every fiber of their being. At the same time, they don't have one romantic bone in their entire body. Birthdays consist of a gift card that may or may not be in a greeting card. Anniversaries are when their wife can expect something functional more than sentimental. Holidays? Oh, it's a practical gift all the way. Usually one that the wife isn't thrilled with either.
If your kind of personality isn't romantic either, then this is no big deal. But if you've got a chick flick collection in your house, or your future wedding has been planned out ever since you were a little girl, trust me, you're gonna be ir-ri-ta-ted if your husband isn't big on giving roses for no reason or whisking you away for a romantic weekend a few times a year.
I've sat with couples where a spouse (usually the wife) felt neglected due to the lack of romance they were experiencing. If you know that it's a priority for you, this is something else that needs to be ironed out. If your significant other couldn't care less, well, I'll just say that until death parts you is a really long time to go without something that is so important—to you.
9. How Consistent Their Partner Was/Is
Something that's a top characteristic that I desire in my future husband is consistency. When a person is consistent, they are reliable and dependable; they don't contradict themselves; they are firm in their principles and convictions; they come from a place of truth and logic. They are steady individuals.
There have been writing gigs, friends and of course, men that I have left behind, all because they were super duper inconsistent. The gigs didn't pay when they said they would (oh, but they didn't play when it came to wanting their copy on time!). The friends were there when they needed something, but were suddenly MIA whenever I did. And the men? One man told me that whatever he said to me on a random Monday, he meant and whatever he said to me on the following Saturday is also what he meant, even if they were two totally different things. He was dead serious too, chile.
If you're seeing a lot of inconsistencies now, don't simply chalk it up to moodiness or "a phase". An inconsistent person 1) shows signs of it prior to marriage and 2) typically doesn't change without wanting to, followed by some really extensive therapy, after acknowledging it.
If you get motion sick, multiply that times a thousand, and that's just the tip of the iceberg of what it's like to deal with an inconsistent individual. You've been warned.
10. If They and Their Partner Were Truly Friends—Or Not
A while back, I wrote an article about what you should absolutely expect out of your friendships—loyalty, honesty, protectiveness, support, compassion, good communication, respect, availability, selflessness and being a safe place. This is not the kind of stuff that happens overnight (so don't be trippin' if you've been dating for a year and he's not ready to pop the question yet), and it's definitely the kind of things you should expect from the person that you want to share the rest of your life with.
You know what, though? It's an epidemic, the amount of people who absolutely DO NOT make being genuine friends with their significant other a top priority. They're so focused on wanting a spouse, that a friend isn't even on their radar. Not only is that sad, it's a potential marriage-destroyer (just ask any married person that you know).
A soon-to-be divorced individual recently said to me that he wished he had taken out more time to establish a true friendship with his soon-to-be ex-wife. He said that it probably would've kept them from getting married in the first place, because the reality of their lack of true compatibility would've come out. Or, at the very least, they would've fought for their marriage more because they didn't want to hurt the friendship. #sigh
The moral to the story with all of this is, while nothing can teach you about yourself quite like marriage can, you can actually dodge a few bullets (including marrying the wrong person), if you pay close attention to stuff like what we just before jumping the broom.
Again, just ask any married person that you know. Better yet, any divorced one.
Featured image by Getty Images
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (firstname.lastname@example.org) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Amber Riley Is In Her Element
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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What Is A 'Monogamy Agreement' And Should You Have One?
As a writer, I've gotta admit that it can get more and more challenging to tackle certain topics. Why? It's because I'm a pretty word-literal person. Yet, like a lot of people who I witness on a daily basis, who constantly move the goalposts in order to suit whatever whim they're on at any given moment, even the dictionary has a way of doing something similar when it comes to various words' definitions.
Take monogamy, for example. When I was growing up, it meant "married to one person for a lifetime." This meant that you couldn't be remarried and technically consider yourself monogamous (because you're not with the first person you said vows to). And you definitely couldn't be living with someone or in a long-term relationship and use the word. No, for you, something like "exclusive" would be more accurate (and that's actually the word that I lean into in those instances even now).
These days, though, the goalpost says that monogamy is "marriage with only one person at a time." So, while people who've had more than one spouse can now use the word, when it comes to what we're about to dive into today (a monogamy agreement), folks who are interested in those would still be far better off going with something like "exclusive" to drive their point home. That's because this topic doesn't really have anything to do with marriage…although it does approach commitment in an interesting kind of way.
Yeah, in a world that is ever finding ways to change marriage, redefine marriage or figure out how close they can get to marriage without actually getting married, monogamy agreements have entered the chat. And because we try to cover as many bases as possible, basically on the "FYI tip," I wanted to take a moment to break down what exactly they are.
Let’s Tackle Traditional Marriage First. For Clarity’s Sake.
I won't lie — even as someone who's been working with married couples for many years now, whenever I happen upon a healthy (first) and happy (second) married couple of more than a decade, I'm halfway in shock. That's because, these days, people seem to treat the sacredness of marriage like they would a dating relationship — they have a big party in the form of a wedding, pledge to God and everyone present that they're not going anywhere (Ecclesiastes 5:1-7) and that their love is patient (I Corinthians 13:4) and then, somewhere down the line, when things get rough, they end it…only to rinse and repeat.
Now when it comes to things like infidelity and abuse, that's not what I'm speaking of here. I'm talking about there are so many people acting like they are married before they actually are (a boyfriend or girlfriend is not a husband or wife) that by the time they do say "I do," they are numbed out to the fact that a marriage is supposed to be several steps up in seriousness and sacredness than a dating dynamic is.
I definitely could go on and on about how there is supposed to be a boatload of integrity behind the vows that are exchanged between two people. However, this article isn't about marriage — it's about monogamy agreements. What I will say about marriage, for now, is it's not just about if you love someone a lot. Ask any pastor, marriage counselor, or even lawyer worth their merit, and they will confirm the fact that marriage is a legal contract — that you are not just vowing sentiments and emotional promises. No, under the law of marriage, there are also certain rights and responsibilities that you are agreeing to as well. That's why people should go into marriage with a very sober and level-headed mind because they're a lot easier to get into than they are to get out of. No doubt about it.
Speaking of legalities, let's touch on marriage licenses for a moment, shall we? Because there is something about them that you actually may not know (that I absolutely think that you should).
So, What’s the Deal with Marriage Licenses and Marriage Certificates?
Although this really could get its own article, let me just say that marriage licenses definitely deserve some level of side-eye in this country. Even though history says that it started out as being a business contract in England, in America, the long short of it is racist politicians used marriage licenses as a way to keep track of interracial couples (you can read more about it here, here, and here). Yep. So, that's part of the reason why even some traditionally married couples are not super fond of marriage licenses — because, basically, the government is "regulating" the relationship on some level.
With that cleared up, just what is the difference between a marriage license and a marriage certificate? Good question. A marriage license is what allows you to get married in your state prior to saying "I do," while a marriage certificate is a document that proves you are married once your wedding ceremony is actually over.
Can you get a marriage certificate without a marriage license? The short answer would be "no," although couples who fall into the category of "common law marriage" sometimes are able to work around this based on what state they live in. For everyone else, getting married without a marriage license is basically a commitment ceremony. That's because, in order to get a marriage license or marriage certificate, your state's county clerk would have to issue you one.
Now, I ain't got no lies to tell you — go to YouTube, and you will see a good amount of videos (like this one here) stating that not only can you work around not getting a marriage license, you absolutely should. To that, I'll just say that one of the biggest problems with social media is everyone is a so-called expert now, even if they have no credentials to back it up. So with that in mind, if this section of the article has you tempted to go down a long rabbit hole (and I totally get it if it does), speak with some people who have actual and literal experience in the field in your state. Don't just go rogue with your own resolve (please don't let YouTube and TikTok hem you up).
Okay, So What Is This Whole Monogamy Agreement Thing About?
So, what does all of that have to do with a monogamy agreement? Well, in order to explain why some people are opting for it as an alternative to a marriage license (or marriage altogether), it was important to explain marriage licenses and certificates just so that you could clearly get what the differences are.
Now that you know, a monogamy agreement is pretty much just how it sounds: it's an agreement that is established between two people who want to have some form of a commitment to one another, yet they don't want all of the legalities that come with traditional marriage.
If you're trying to wrap your head around that, I'll explain it to you this way. You've probably heard someone say that they wish that the marriage contract could be renegotiated every few years. For instance, rather than being "locked into" until death parts us, every five years or so, they wish that they could revisit their marriage to see if they want to opt-out, change certain initial agreements, or restructure the marriage altogether. Well, for folks who are wired this way, a monogamy agreement is probably the best route for them to take because, again, although it's not a legally binding contract, it is a formal agreement between them and their partner about what each of their expectations is.
See it like an integrity agreement — no one is making assumptions about where things stand or where things are headed (hopefully); the monogamy agreement puts things in black and white so that it's all crystal clear.
And when I say "black and white," I literally mean just that. Again, although it's not a legal contract, it is a document that lays everything out so that there is no confusion. And what do I mean by "everything"? It's totally up to you and your partner, yet some of the things that people usually include are goals and values, sexual expectations, financial responsibilities, boundaries (both in and outside of the relationship), how infidelity is defined, ultimate goals for the relationship — and yes, when the agreement is up for renegotiation whether that's in a year, five years or 10.
Who Should Consider a Monogamy Agreement?
Now that you know more about what a monogamy agreement is, let's begin to land this plane with the people a monogamy agreement may be best suited for. While at the end of the day, the short answer is anyone who wants one, there's a specific reason why I decided to even broach this topic.
It's because, while it's not (yet) earth-shattering in either direction, marriage is somewhat on the decline as cohabitation is on the rise in this country. And while research continues to reveal that married couples are more satisfied with their relationship than folks who live together and many who do cohabitate, they see it as a stepping stone towards becoming spouses at some point, let's not act like millennials (and under) aren't a bit gun shy when it comes to saying "I do."
Reportedly, 56 percent of them are not married. For many women, it's because they are prioritizing their education and careers over marriage and a family. Also, some suffer from what is known as gamophobia (the technical term for having a fear of getting married), in part due to a pattern of failed relationships, being the child of divorce (divorce affects children more than a lot of people want to accept) and what getting divorced themselves could possibly cost them. Then there are those who just never wanted to get married…yet that doesn't mean that they don't believe in some form of commitment on some level.
For individuals who don't want to casually date or even just sit at the "boyfriend/girlfriend level" for years on end, monogamy agreements may be a solid fit. You can have your own version of a commitment ceremony (or not), knowing that you're not on one page regarding what your relationship is about while your partner is somewhere totally different. There's no confusion because you literally have documentation about where the two of you are.
Now, I will say this: no agreement works if two people's words are trash (LOL). Yet honestly, that can apply to traditional marriage or a monogamy agreement. I'm just putting you on to what a monogamy agreement is all about if you've been trying to figure out how to have a serious commitment without a legal contract.
No doubt about it, monogamy agreements are gaining some real traction out in these streets.
Something for the committed-yet-not-marriage-minded.
Interesting, right? Relationships always are, chile.
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