

I grew up in the Church. I went to Christian schools too (well, my elementary education was Christ-like; looking back, the EEOC should've come in and shut my high school all the way down). Looking back, if there's one topic that never really got discussed in either setting, it's sex. It really is sad that although the Bible has PLENTY to say about it (Song of Solomon is an entire book about it!), in my humble opinion, far too many folks do the very opposite of what Genesis 2:24-25 instructs us not to do—they attach shame to nakedness. Sad. Very sad.
That's why, whenever I do premarital counseling couples, I tend to spend at least 3-4 weeks on sexual intimacy—what you were taught about sex, your views on sex, your expectations of sex, etc. Because if you're gonna actually do what you vowed and remain with someone until death parts you, that's a REALLY LONG TIME to be sittin' somewhere sexually pissed off at least half of the time.
And yet. It happens. A LOT. Not just to couples who waited until marriage to partake, but people who felt they should "test the car before driving it too" (I'm with Meagan Good on this one—we need to drop that comparison; people are not cars). And since the importance of sex isn't explored as in-depth as it needs to be, lots of people find themselves faking it, making excuses not to do it or…yes, cheating. And you know what? All three of those approaches to sexual incompatibility are unhealthy and super counterproductive. They really are.
So, what do I recommend you should do if you and your spouse aren't as sexually harmonious as you'd like to be? For starters, consider that what's really going on may not be as much about sex as you might think. It could be a myriad of things that have created your not-so-perfect storm.
How To Deal With A Sexually Incompatible Partner
1.Ponder If It's Sexual or Emotional
There's a couple I worked with where the husband hated to give oral sex but was all about receiving it. On the surface, this is childish and selfish, I'll give you that. But counseling is about digging beneath the surface. That said, his wife misspends money, makes major decisions without his input, plays the victim when she's called out on her reckless behavior and rarely apologizes for any of this. As a result, he feels like she also is a very selfish individual (he's right), so he doesn't want to give her his all. Naturally, he's not big on cunnilingus; however, he doesn't even feel the desire to "make the sacrifice" because of how put off he is emotionally.
Do you see how, on the surface, it looks like they aren't on the same page when it comes to a particular sex act when the reality is there is a profound emotional disconnection? Whatever it is that you and your spouse are struggling with in the bedroom, don't just assume that it's sexual or physical. Sometimes, there's a deep emotional issue going on too.
2.Next, Figure Out If It's Actually About Sex or Selfishness
A lot of people frown on couples who wait until marriage to get it on, but here's something to keep in mind. When you're single and sexually active, whether you realize it or not, you tend to be pretty selfish. I'm not saying when it comes to your stamina, technique or tricks. I'm talking about your overall mentality. Single sex is about having sex solely on your terms. Married sex requires considering someone else and making compromises along the way.
Here's an example. Say that you love morning sex while your spouse prefers to have sex at night. Did you know that science is discovering that a part of what makes us morning people or night owls has to do with our genetic make-up? When you were single, you had sex when you felt like it; your partner(s) had to get in where they fit in.
Now that you're married, it's important to take your partner's needs into account.
If you like it in the morning, sometimes you might have to stay up late because they don't. If you're a night owl, sometimes you might need to sleep a couple of extra hours in order to get the job done before work. My point is this—whatever isn't happening the way that you would like, how much of it is about you wanting sex just the way you want it without figuring out if it pleases your partner or not? What some think is sexual incompatibility is really nothing short of 100 percent Grade-A selfishness. Real talk.
3.Openly Discuss How You Feel with Your Spouse
There are a lot of couples who end up throwing in the towel because they are sexually dissatisfied. That might sound shallow to some, but if there is only one person that you're supposed to have sex with for the rest of your life, GOOD SEX is important. Here's the thing, though. Something that tops the list of why spouses divorce isn't sexual incompatibility or frustration; no, it's poor communication.
I can't tell you how many couples I've worked with who are M-A-D at their spouse for not being able to read their mind as far as what their needs are in the bedroom. Their spouse should know they're bored. Their spouse should know that they are not satisfied. Their spouse should know they are faking orgasms (actually, if someone is really paying attention to their partner, they should know this one).
We all know what they say that assuming does to a person. Well, "should" is assumption's favorite girlfriend. It's not fair to be upset about something you're not talking about. Oh, and by the way, discussing it doesn't mean blaming, humiliating or berating your partner. The brain is the biggest sex organ we have. You're going to do NOTHING for your sex life by belittling your partner in the effort to get more of what you want and need from them. (This applies to what's happening in the bedroom and out of it.)
4.Also, Be VERY CAREFUL Who You Share Your Issues With
I can't remember who originated the quote, but one of my favorites is, "Complain to someone who can actually help you." To be at work or on the phone with someone who also has a less-than-stellar sex life isn't going to help you to take a more positive and proactive approach to what's happening in your own bedroom. All it's going to do is encourage you to be even more negative about your situation. Also, based on who you're talking to (and how often), it might set you up to be caught up in an emotional affair as well.
There's something else to consider when you're discussing your bedroom issues—just because you're dissatisfied doesn't mean the next gal would be. Make sure you're talking to someone who is genuinely being helpful…not just nosey. And ultimately, messy.
5.Make Sex a Higher Priority in Your Relationship
Another couple that I've worked with? They've been married for over a decade, the husband is headed towards his late 40s, and he still prefers to have sex 3-4 times a day (quickies included). His wife? She's good with having it a couple of times a month. Yep, sexually incompatible.
Some might wonder how they even jumped the broom with an issue like this not being addressed. Oh, but this is another example of how having sex before marriage can creep up on you. When they were dating, it was a long-distance relationship. So, of course, they could have sex for hours on end whenever they saw one another. But once they got married and saw each other every day, things changed. It reminds me of a hilarious comedy clip that I recently watched entitled, "Real Couples Don't Hold Each Other All Night".
Sometimes sex before marriage falsely advertises in ways we wouldn't predict.
What did I recommend that they do? Make sex a priority in their marriage; not just the physical aspect but the emotional and spiritual too. While she needed to be open to having sex more often, her husband needed to think about what he could do to make his wife desire him more from an emotional and spiritual standpoint.
Sometimes spouses aren't sexually compatible because they don't feel close enough to their partner to want to do certain things or have sex more often. Sometimes, when the other rooms of the house are handled (metaphorically speaking), the bedroom takes care of itself.
6.Put a "Sexual Needs Box" on Each Nightstand
A lot of us make relationships a lot more complicated than they have to be because we act like a want is an actual need.
Wants are what we desire; needs are what is required.
Am I saying that sex is not a need? I am saying the total opposite of that! Even the Bible says that if you withhold from your partner, you can open the doors to all sorts of mayhem and foolishness (I Corinthians 7:1-5). From a legal standpoint, some states will let you have what is called a "fault divorce". Things that fall under this category are constructive desertion, cruelty or abandonment based on a lack of marital relations (sex).
However, sex is a pretty general word. In order to have great sex with your partner, it's important to also discuss what both of your wants and needs are. What are y'all's desires vs. what is required for you to feel fully satisfied (essential)? Talk those things out, jot them down on sheets of paper, pick up a couple of boxes from Target or Pottery Barn and put those answers inside. Your answer box should go on your husband's nightstand; his should go on yours. Then make it a point to revisit what is on those sheets of paper and mutually commit to meeting one another's needs (more often).
Even if your spouse isn't the perfect sex partner, a part of what your love commitment is all about is meeting each other's needs—in the bedroom or out. If you're both determined to do that, you have a lifetime to learn how to make each other climb the walls; to make sexual incompatibility a temporary issue, not a lifelong sentence.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex - Read More
6 Challenges All Newlyweds Should Expect In Their First Year Of Marriage - Read More
Maintenance Sex Could Be The Key To A Successful Marriage - Read More
5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar - Read More
- What To Do You're Sexually Incompatible With Your Partner - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Communicate Sexually - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Is There Such A Thing As A 'Sexual Soulmate'? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Wifey Wednesday: Can Christians Be Sexually Incompatible? | To ... ›
- Sexual Incompatibility: Might an Affair Save a Passionless Marriage ... ›
- Is sexual incompatibility a deal breaker? ›
- Sexual incompatibility in marriage. ›
- Sexual incompatibility troubles marriages - CNN.com ›
- Bad Sex or Wrong Partner? - 8 Ways to Tell If You're Sexually ... ›
- How Couples Can Cope with Different Libidos, Sexual Desire ... ›
- Sexual Incompatibility Is OK In A Relationship (And Here's What You ... ›
- 7 Signs You May Be Sexually Incompatible With Your Partner - #1 ... ›
- 8 Ways Men Can Deal With Sexual Incompatibility (and Know That ... ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Antonio Livingston.
A Single Woman's Guide To A Fabulous Valentine's Day Staycation
Aight single ladies: even if there is a part of you that isn’t all that thrilled about Valentine’s Day (for whatever the reason), I promise you that there is an extra special reason to get excited this year — it falls on a Friday which means that you can turn it into a staycation and it can be one that’s filled with nothing but plans for how to celebrate your own damn self. And yes, sis, that is a good thing.
As an ambivert, I must admit that I constantly live in a state of staycations (LOL) because I enjoy my space and spending time with myself just that much. And, even though I’m personally not a “holidays person,” I must say that for those who do observe them, I think that taking staycations (vacations at home or in your city) during those days can be cool because you can center them around a theme — and what better theme can there be than love? Including self-love.
I’m telling you, devoting an entire weekend to rest, recharge, and holistic pampering, I’m not sure if life gets any better than that. So, why not seize the moment this Valentine’s Day weekend by incorporating (at least some of) the following 10 tips?
1. Get Yourself a Body Pillow
As a doula, I’ve gotta admit that the only time a body pillow really comes to mind is when I’m talking to a client about how she can make her second and/or third trimester more comfortable as far as sleep is concerned. However, when I was recently talking to a single woman about how she hates that her king-size bed feels so empty yet she’s not ready to put a warm body in it, “Get yourself a body pillow” came out of my mouth.
The truth is body pillows are great, in general, when it comes to supporting great posture, helping you to sleep better (if you happen to be a side sleeper), improving blood circulation, reducing snoring, helping you to toss and turn less throughout the night and even soothing aching muscles and joints. Plus, it gives you something to cuddle with. So, if you want to treat yourself to something unique that’s super practical at the same time, get a body pillow this Valentine’s Day. It’ll be one of the best investments that you’ve made in quite some time.
2. Buy Some Sexy/Comfy PJs Too
Unless you sleep in the nude, it’s a good idea to swap out your pajamas every 4-5 days or so. That way, between all of the dead skin cell shedding and sweating, you can be proactive about taking care of your skin as well as your bedding. Okay, but how often should you purchase a new pair of PJs? Well, when you stop to think about the fact that you are in them for 5-8 hours every night, every 6-9 months is probably a good idea. That said, if it’s been a couple of years longer than that since you’ve invested in some, Valentine’s Day is just as good of a time as any, wouldn’t you say?
And don’t get those granny-looking ones either. Just because you’re single, that doesn’t mean that all you have are dated moo-moos (although I’ve had some husbands sing the praises of those before — LOL) and oversized flannels in your near future. Pajamas that are made out of cotton are good so that your skin can breathe; however, try and go for something sexy like a baby doll set or a tank and some boy shorts. Science backs up the fact that how we choose to dress impacts our self-esteem — why would you think that only applies to how you look while you are outside of the house?
3. Put Some Flowers in Your Room
Personally, I adore fresh flowers. Yet if you happen to be someone who doesn’t see the point in them, thinks they are a waste of money, and/or feels like it’s kinda-sorta ridiculous to get your own self a bouquet — let me just say that there is plenty of research out here to support the fact that flowers help to put you in a better mood, decrease stress, reduce indoor air pollution, lower blood pressure and even make you more attentive.
Know what else is interesting? Red and yellow flowers can help you to feel more comfortable, cheerful, and calm. Red roses are pretty much the signature flower for Valentine’s Day — and now you’ve got some really solid reason to get yourself a dozen of ‘em.
4. Have Your Favorite Meal Delivered
If I were to ever have a social media platform or podcast, one thing that you will never hear outta me is that I am not Team Cooking. Cooking is healthier for you and (before this guy because POTUS) it’s significantly cheaper too. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a DoorDash account, though — and I am absolutely not afraid to use it! Sometimes, ordering a meal can feel indulgent because, not only are you letting someone else prepare what you enjoy eating, it is being hand-delivered to you too.
Since everything that we’re talking about today is how to set the stage for a bomb-sss staycation, definitely get food sent to you. No dishes to clean up is a very necessary step when it comes to chilling out and relaxing all Valentine’s Day (weekend).
5. Take Yourself on a Date
Again, since Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday this year, this gives you the entire weekend to date yourself. Go to your local farmers’ market. Enjoy an indoor picnic. Check out an indie concert. Stop by a coffee shop, write yourself some love letters (check out “Every Woman Should Write A Love Letter To Themselves”), and then mail them to your house on the way home. Be a tourist in your own city. Go ice or roller skating. Schedule a photo shoot (for yourself).
Take yourself shopping. Read at least three chapters of a book or watch an entire movie while in the bathtub. Spend the night at a swanky hotel. Remember, at the end of the day, a date is a way of spending quality time with someone. Since Valentine’s Day is a day that celebrates love, why not spend quality time with who should be your favorite person: YOURSELF.
6. Or Go on a Virtual Tour
And what if what I just suggested sounds great in theory; however, you’re really just not in the mood? Well, another way that you can still “date yourself” is to open up your laptop and go on a virtual tour. For instance, if you’ve always wanted to go to Greece, Peru, or Ireland or you’re curious about Antarctica or the Amazon Rainforest, you can click here to check these places out up close and personally. Wanna learn more about Africa? There are several virtual tours available here.
To tell you the truth, these days, there are virtual tours that cover just about any place that you can think of. Personally, I think that this is a cool thing to do on a staycation because you can “be somewhere” from the comfort and convenience of your own home, and/or it’s a proactive way to put a plan together so that you and/or some friends can go on a trip before the year is out.
7. Give Yourself a Scalp and Foot Massage
If you’ve “got it like that,” something else that can make this a really special single girl’s Valentine’s Day staycation event is to have a massage therapist give you a massage (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”) at your home. However, if coins are tight, you can still pamper yourself by engaging in a DIY scalp and foot massage. Both reduce stress. Both release tension. Both make for an amazing night’s sleep.
Tips for how to give yourself a stellar scalp massage can be found here. Tips for how to give yourself a wonderful foot massage can be found here. And definitely don’t forget to incorporate some soothing essential oils. I’ve got a list of some for you right here.
8. Start a Self-Love Scrapbook or Journal
Question: What tangible memories do you have of how you love yourself? Weird question, right? Still, that doesn’t make it an invalid one. I can only imagine how much better we’d all feel about ourselves if we actually had a self-love scrapbook to refer to — one that consisted of receipts from pampering days, self-love quotes that we enjoy, some of our favorite pictures of ourselves, written down memories of some ah-ha moments of transformation that particularly standout…anything that reminds us of loving ourselves (that can fit into a scrapbook).
If you like the idea and yet need some inspiration, check out Skillshare’s “40 Beautiful Scrapbooking Ideas to Try.” Or you can use this as an opportunity to get a fresh journal — one that is dedicated to nothing but mantras, quotes, song lyrics, and thoughts pertaining to how to love yourself more and better. Make sure to put the dates and times of your entries in. There’s nothing like seeing actual documentation of your own self-love journey and growth.
9. Turn It into a Sleepover with Your Friends
Just because you’re single, that doesn’t mean you have to spend Valentine’s Day alone — if you don’t want to. One woman I know, she hosts a Valentine’s Day party for the single men and women in her life every year. Another one? She has an old-school sleepover where her girlfriends wear heart PJs, watch throwback rom-coms, and eat every form of junk food known to man (and woman). Definitely one of the reasons why Valentine’s Day feels lonely for some people is because they think that love only means romantic love and that absolutely could not be further from the truth.
If the idea of using this coming Valentine’s Day weekend to fall off the grid to mankind isn’t your idea of a good time, you can always call a friend or two to spend the night with you. Or, you can have a virtual sleepover with homies who live elsewhere. You can learn more about how to execute one of those here and here.
10. SLEEP. IN.
If you don’t have to work this Valentine’s Day weekend, why not sleep in? When you stop to think about the fact that sleep reduces stress, improves your mental health, reduces your blood sugar levels, helps you to maintain a healthy weight, and strengthens your heart — how could putting your phone on DND (Do Not Disturb) and not setting your alarm NOT be an act of self-love? The world will still be waiting for you once you roll out of bed.
In honor of a phenomenal single woman’s Valentine’s Day staycation, let it wait. Sis, I’m pretty sure you’ve earned it. SLEEP. IN. (Yay!)
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Lorado/Getty Images