7 Signs That You Truly Respect Your Spouse (& Your Marriage)
Maybe it's just me, but I've always found it to be interesting (that's the word I'm gonna go with for now) that, whenever you see a rom-com or read a book on relationships, most of the focus is on cultivating love. Chile, after years of marriage life coaching, what I've realized a lot of people need to focus on more is mutual respect.
Real talk, when I stop and think about the core reason for why a lot of married couples struggle, it's not that the love isn't still there; it's that either one or both feel totally disrespected on some level. And when respect isn't fully presented and accounted for in a relationship, it's just a matter of time before things go from uncomfortable to bad to I'm about one foot out of the door.
That's why I thought it would be a good idea to share some examples of what it actually means to respect your spouse. While these seven signs don't cover all of the bases, I'm fairly confident that if you and yours are willing to make these a priority, you will be creating a marriage that is truly able to go the distance. Because after all, if love and respect are there, you are in a really good, healthy, happy and stable place.
1. You Are Intentional About Affirming Your Partner
If you go to the Classic Amplified Version Ephesians 5:33 of the Bible, when it speaks of wives respecting their husband, one of the words that is brought up is "esteem". I really like that word because it means "to regard highly or favorably; regard with respect or admiration"—and yes, if you have chosen to vow to be with someone for the rest of your life, you most definitely should hold them in high regard, respect them and, to a certain extent, even admire them (since admiring is about approving of someone and taking pleasure in them in some way and on some level).
One way to express all of this is by affirming your partner, on a consistent basis. Matter of fact, one of the biggest issues that I encounter with the couples that I work with is the fact that they don't affirm their partner much at all. Instead, what they do plenty of is complain, nag, nitpick, berate and find all kinds of ways to verbally beat their partner down. And as we've just seen from the breakdown of esteem, whether they realize it or not, all of that is actually a form of disrespect—and who wants to be in a relationship where they constantly feel disrespected?
Affirming someone is about positively stating what is true about them. What I also like about the definitions of affirm is it also means to uphold and support an individual. So yes, every time you verbally state something positive about your partner—whether in their presence or out—what you're essentially doing is showing your support of them.
Now, if you just read all of that and thought, "I'll affirm them when they've got something worth affirming"—tell me, how did you end up choosing a partner who you can't say anything positive about? Mmm-hmm. The answer to that question will reveal volumes. If you let it.
2. Their Needs Are Valid. Even If They Differ from Your Own
If you're a single person who happens to be checking this article out, it's important to know that a need is a requirement, and if there are certain things that you require in a relationship, it's best to state those, upfront, before saying "I do". Now for those who may think that "require" is extreme, at the end of the day, all a requirement is, is a need—and if you're not getting what you need from your spouse, you're gonna be very uncomfortable, if not flat-out miserable, in your relationship.
I know a couple, right now, who have been struggling for a few years and it's all because the husband needs sex more than he's getting while the wife needs romance more than she's receiving. Both of them look at the other like they are being ridiculous. Why? Because the husband sees what the wife desires as a want, not a need, while the wife feels the same way about her husband. It's another article, for another time, just how essential sex is in a marital union. For now, what I will say, is it's not really up to us to tell someone what they do or do not need. What is our responsibility in a relationship is to either honor that need or find a way to come to a compromise in meeting the need.
Now please believe that I'm not saying that we need to succumb to every whim (because sometimes things aren't based on need but greed). However, when you truly care about someone, when you respect them as a person, along with the place they hold in your life, you don't try to invalidate their needs just because they may differ from your own. You listen, you remain open and you encourage them to do the same for you. Meeting needs in a marriage is paramount. Please make that a top priority in your own.
3. Anything That Concerns Them Is Up for Discussion
Wanna know a clear sign that someone is disrespectful as hell? It's when they are dismissive. It's when you bring up a concern to someone and, because it's not important to them, they treat it like it's not important at all.
I was actually just having a conversation with a husband about this very point, not too long ago. He's the kind of guy who, while he has some pretty solid décor taste, he's also fine with the bare minimum. For example, as long as his living room has a comfy couch, a coffee table, and an entertainment system, he's all good. Meanwhile, he married a Black Martha Stewart who isn't happy unless each room looks like it should be in an interior design magazine.
On the surface, this might not seem like a big deal but oh, has it become one. When discussion of the household budget comes up and she wants to get some extra things, he's quite flippant and yes, dismissive. Meanwhile, this husband is a musician. And so, whenever he wants to get some new equipment for his home studio, that is important and must be purchased. Yet when his wife wants to get some throw pillows and art? To him, those are totally irrelevant and a waste of money. Why? Well, since décor isn't something that he's particularly passionate about, he doesn't deem it as necessary.
There is no right or wrong here. Well, except for the fact that it's pretty arrogant to assume that just because something doesn't concern you, your partner shouldn't care about it either. So yeah, another clear sign that you respect your spouse is you make the time to be invested in what matters to them—simply because they matter to you. Signing up to be a husband or wife means that everything ain't about you. Some things are going to have to come up that you couldn't care less about. Maturity says you care anyway. Because your spouse needs you to do so.
4. Certain Things Within the Relationship Is NO ONE ELSE’s Business
Something that I have in common with most of my closest friends is we're all pretty open people. What I mean by that is, the types of things that others may never want people to know, we'll discuss pretty freely (check out "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners", for example). Yet, at the same time, there are a few topics and/or situations that we keep, 100 percent, between us. The information is private. Sacred even.
Another way that married people show that they truly respect their spouse is coming to the mutual conclusion that not everything is open season for the information hotline. I don't care if it's their mama, their bestie or a co-worker that their partner has never met before—when two people decide to share their lives with one another, it should automatically be a safe space and with safety comes confidentiality. By the way, the only way that you and yours can get on the same page about this is by discussing what both of you find to be private. Also, if one of you thinks that something isn't that big of a deal while the other does, respect says, that you concede to the one who would prefer that topic not come up.
I actually know a few married people who don't tell their partner a lot because they think they talk (and tell) too much. That's super unfortunate because, if there is one place where a spouse should be able to freely share…whatever it is that they want to, it should be with their partner. Remember when Alicia Keys once sang, "I won't tell your secrets/Your secrets are safe with me/I will keep your secrets/Just think of me as the pages in your diary"? Your spouse should be able to feel this exact way about you, just like you should be able to about them? Can you?
5. You Both Have Mutually Agreed Upon Boundaries
There are actually a lot of books that I recommend for married couples to add to their library. As it relates to this specific topic, I'd go withBoundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships. Boundaries are limits and while limits differ from couple to couple, in order for a marriage to succeed, every union needs them.
What I just shared about couples keeping certain things confidential, that's a boundary. Doing whatever is necessary to prevent an affair—including an emotional affair—from transpiring, that is a boundary. Not letting a relative or friend have more power or influence in your marriage than your own spouse does, that is a boundary. Keeping the explicit details of your sex life to yourself, that is a boundary. Setting mutually agreed upon limits that basically say, "this is as far as something or someone should go" (even with one another, I might add) is an ultimate form of respect. Breaking boundaries? That is disrespectful like a mug.
6. Feeling Connected Is the Utmost Importance to You
Genesis 2:24(NKJV) says, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." I Corinthians 6:16(Message) says, "There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, 'The two become one.'" If you really pay attention to both verses, they share the same premise that marriage is about oneness. That's another word that I personally dig because oneness is all about "unity of thought, feeling, belief, aim, etc.; agreement; concord" and "a strong feeling of closeness or affinity; union".
While being married definitely doesn't mean that you give up your individuality, what should happen is you and yours are able to come together and complement each other very well. Your strengths should help each other to become stronger. Your weaknesses should balance each other in a way where you both can hold each other accountable. You should communicate on a level where you both feel heard and your sex life should help to solidify the emotional bond that already exists.
Being proactive about making sure that you and your spouse are good is a form of respect because it means that you acknowledge their value and worth in your life. No matter how much may be on your plate, it is imperative that you make strides, on a daily basis, to make you and your partner feel connected to one another. Both of you doing this makes it very hard for either of you to feel "less than" or, yes, disrespected.
7. You Honor Them and Your Marriage. In and Out of Your Spouse’s Presence
Did you know that one definition of honor is "high respect"? Actually though, the definition that I want to close this article out with is "honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions". The reason why is because, when I refer to the importance of honoring your spouse as well as your marriage, it should be about being honest with them, approaching matters with them from a place of fairness and having a sense of integrity when it comes to keeping your marriage vows and also doing what you say you're gonna do—no matter how many years you've been together.
There are some married people I know who are the same way whether their spouse is around or not. Why? Because they are genuine individuals with absolutely nothing to hide. Then there are folks who literally seem like they have split personalities because they are "on one thing" in their partner's presence, then they're about something totally different whenever their spouse isn't around. To give a false impression of yourself is not only dishonorable but disrespectful because, again, when you sign up to become a "oneness partner", you're not only representing yourself but your spouse—both in and out of their presence.
An honorable marriage is one that can be respected—by you, your spouse, and those you come into contact with—because it is one that is reliable, secure, real, and true. And a marriage that is described in that way is one that is made up of the good stuff. One that will last for years and years to come. And who can't respect that?
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- The Signs Of A Truly Intimate Relationship - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- Before You Marry Him, Check Out His Relationships With Other Folks ›
- 8 Valid Reasons To Break Off An Engagement - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- 7 Signs He'll Make A Bad Husband - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- 7 Signs Of A Healthy Marriage - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
The Power Of Your Big 3: Understanding The Astrological Significance You Hold
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
Astrology has become even more mainstream and a phenomenon than it ever has in the past. We have gone beyond the, “What’s your sign?” and have moved into “What’s your big 3?” seemingly overnight, and rightly so due to the significance of knowing these important details. Your Big 3 in Astrology represents your sun sign, your moon sign, and your rising sign.
This trifecta is thought to be one of the most significant details of your birth chart and gives you and others more of a full-picture look at who you are beyond just your sun sign.
What Does Your Big 3 In Astrology Say About You?
Knowing your big 3 is important, especially if you are someone who has never really resonated with your sun sign. You read about what it means to be an Aries, but may not align with what you see or your experience with other Aries. Meanwhile, the whole time, you have a Libra rising, the complete opposite sign of Aries, and this is why you have always seen yourself as a more laid-back and less confrontational Aries.
Elements hold a key role in your birth chart and having a big 3 where the elements are all compatible or the same often signifies someone who knows who they are and is comfortable in their skin. Whereas someone with a different element for each part of their big 3 may have challenges with identity or defining who they are or how they want to present themselves. It’s a different type of perspective when looking into your big 3, and it helps you see where your strengths and needs are in life, and how to tap more into this potential.
Your Big 3 In Astrology Explained
Your big 3 can help you navigate life by understanding which part of you comes out more in different circumstances. At home, you are most like your moon sign, when you are out and about, you are most like your rising sign. Whether you are at home or out and about, your goals, purpose, and interests are most like your sun sign.
You can find out what your big 3 is by looking up a ‘Birth Chart Calculator’ on your search engine, typing in your birthday details (you will need to know your birth date, location, and the exact time you were born), and generating your birth chart.
Read below for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
YOUR SUN SIGN
Your sun sign represents the core of you and what motivates you to shine and be your best self. This is your personality, goals, purpose, identity, ego, interests, direction, and where you light up in life.
FIRE SUN (Aries Sun, Leo Sun, Sagittarius Sun)
If you are an Aries sun, a Leo sun, or a Sagittarius sun, you are outgoing, confident, fearless, and in tune with yourself and your personal goals and desires in life. You go after the things you want, and you are not afraid to take up space. You are someone who prefers to be more independent, and you are often in more leadership roles in life.
EARTH SUN (Taurus Sun, Virgo Sun, Capricorn Sun)
If you are a Taurus sun, a Virgo sun, or a Capricorn sun, you are grounded, dependable, loyal, hard-working, and logical. You prefer the finer things in life but also work hard to get where you are. You are someone others feel they can rely on, and you are often a support for other people in your life. You are very connected to the material sides of life, and have a gift for manifesting.
AIR SUN (Gemini Sun, Libra Sun, Aquarius Sun)
If you are a Gemini sun, a Libra sun, or an Aquarius sun, you are light-hearted, free-flowing, intelligent, and communicative. You speak what is on your mind, and you love to connect and communicate with others. People know you for the things you say and your out-of-the-box ideas, and you are someone who is open-minded and provides a safe space for people to be authentically themselves.
WATER SUN (Cancer Sun, Scorpio Sun, Pisces Sun)
If you are a Cancer sun, a Scorpio sun, or a Pisces sun, you are thoughtful, generous, emotional, loving, and compassionate. You care deeply about the people you love, and you are always there for others. You may be more emotional than most, and this is due to your strong intuition and open heart. You are creative, inspiring, and motivated towards connection in life.
YOUR MOON SIGN
Your moon sign represents your emotions. This is the way you express yourself emotionally, how you process your emotions, what you need in love, what makes you feel safe and nurtured, your desires, intuition, your inner world, and what’s going on beneath the surface.
FIRE MOON (Aries Moon, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Moon)
If you are an Aries moon, a Leo moon, or a Sagittarius moon, you are someone who is not afraid to communicate your emotions or how you are feeling, and you can feel your emotions from a mile away. You are confident in yourself and are someone who stands up for what you feel is right. You have a strong need to be seen and heard in your relationships, and a certain type of understanding is needed for you to emotionally thrive. You may have some challenges with anger or high energy and are working through emotional impulses in this lifetime.
EARTH MOON (Taurus Moon, Virgo Moon, Capricorn Moon)
If you are a Taurus moon, a Virgo moon, or a Capricorn moon, you are someone who is emotionally grounded, safe, comforting, and logical. You aren’t overly emotional and may not show your emotions to people much at all, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have them. You think before you speak, and you process your emotions before acting on them, and you tend to be more down-to-earth and understanding when it comes to other people’s emotional worlds as well. You are someone people go to when they need someone to talk to you as you are a very good listener.
AIR MOON (Gemini Moon, Libra Moon, Aquarius Moon)
If you are a Gemini moon, a Libra moon, or an Aquarius moon, you are someone who is fun, outgoing, and emotionally open-minded. You don’t like heavy emotions or too much emotional drama, and you tend to be more go-with-the-flow in this area of your life. Good conversation and mutual understanding are very important to you in your relationships and you want funny banter and inspiration in your connections with others.
WATER MOON (Cancer Moon, Scorpio Moon, Pisces Moon)
If you are a Cancer moon, a Scorpio moon, or a Pisces moon, you are someone who lives by their heart and values your emotional world deeply. You crave a deep type of intimacy in your partnerships and you need a partner who is going to give you that type of emotional connection. You are more private with your emotional world and you tend to hold a lot in, but this can often lead to sudden outbursts as well. Overall, you are the definition of emotion and others learn a lot from you on what it means to love and to feel.
YOUR ASCENDANT (RISING SIGN)
Your ascendant sign represents your perception and the energy you put out into the world. This is the way you come across to others, the way you express yourself, your physical traits and aesthetics, how you manifest, society, and what you expect from the world around you.
FIRE ASCENDANT (Aries Rising, Leo Rising, Sagittarius Rising)
If you are an Aries rising, a Leo rising, or a Sagittarius rising, you come across to others as confident, bold, and stylish. You are known for the way you look or the way you present yourself, and you are usually adorned in bright colors or wearing something that others take a lot of notice of. You are someone who walks into a room, and all eyes are on you, and you love that. You want to be on the move and on the go, and you love to show up in the world exactly as you are today. You see the world with a lot of possibilities and like it's yours to have fun and enjoy yourself in.
EARTH ASCENDANT (Taurus Rising, Virgo Rising, Capricorn Rising)
If you are a Taurus rising, a Virgo rising, or a Capricorn rising, you come across to others as responsible, beautiful, natural, and dependable. You are a hard worker, and you may be known for your career or the work that you do. You are someone who walks into a room and people feel an immediate sense of comfort and like you are someone they can trust. You have strong values and goals, and you are someone who knows what they want. People love to be around your down-to-earth energy, and you make others feel safe and grounded.
AIR ASCENDANT (Gemini Rising, Libra Rising, Aquarius Rising)
If you are a Gemini rising, a Libra rising, or an Aquarius rising, you come across to others as outgoing, friendly, and talkative. You see the world as a place to learn, connect, and be inspired, and you are on a quest for knowledge and understanding. You connect with people from all walks of life, and you tend to have a pretty open-minded and unique friend group. You care a lot about your style and aesthetic and always strive to be authentically you wherever you are. You can talk to people for hours and are often meeting new people and making new friends wherever you go.
WATER ASCENDANT (Cancer Rising, Scorpio Rising, Pisces Rising)
If you are a Cancer rising, a Scorpio rising, or a Pisces rising, you navigate life through the lens of your emotions, and you are deeply connected to the undercurrents of life. You are ruled by your emotions, and this side of you is not something you can keep hidden away easily. You get emotional when you think about society and others at large, and you want to be known for the kind and sincere person you are. When you walk into a room, you feel other people's energy right away and are highly empathic and intuitive.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by We Are/Getty Images