'Red Table Talk' Reminds Us That Self-Love Is The Cure To Domestic Abuse
Last week, domestic violence was a hot topic among celebs like singer Justine Skye on The Breakfast Club, Robin Givens on Wendy, and Jada Pinkett-Smith and her mother Adrienne Banfield-Jones on the latest episode of Red Table Talk. Domestic violence, both physical and emotional, is an experience that few will be able to fully empathize with until they find themselves in similar situations. In the episode, after her mother gave her own account of abuse, Jada admitted:
"I can only imagine what it is like to love somebody fiercely and then have them punch you and have them hit you. I haven't experienced it but, just me.. I can feel you."
Victims of such abuse are often written off as irresponsible, weak, or stupid. Justine, Robin, and Adrienne 's experiences prove that domestic violence takes place in the lives of women who are smart, beautiful, full of potential, and often have a support system begging them to get themselves out of harm's way.
Being on the receiving end of domestic abuse is often a pattern passed down from mother to daughter. Most of the perpetrators of such abuse are not complete monsters, they are sometimes charming with redeemable qualities and have a painful origin story full of violence and abuse themselves. Adrienne offered her response to the age-old question asked to victims of domestic violence: Why did you/do you stay?
"I think women stay because they think that they're in love. That's what it was for me. I thought that it was love. But I also think that women are afraid, and for whatever reason, they feel like they can't make it on their own without the person, not having any place to go. It's scary, and you just don't think that you can do better."
Not until you find yourself crying for the man you love to stop hitting you or to let go of you will you fully understand that most women stay because they believe that his violence is an illness that their love and sacrifice can heal. Often, these violent outbursts are tolerated with the pretense that things will go back to happier times if only the victim can manage not to make the abuser angry again, having women take the responsibility of an issue that was a lifetime in the making. Even in this day and age, possessiveness, jealousy, and controlling behaviors are still being regarded as ways that a man shows his love and devotion. Adrienne explained:
"I was young, but I don't know where I got the concept in my head that to hit you was a sign of love, so if he is hitting you, that means he loves you because if he didn't love you he wouldn't bother. So that means he loves you."
The longer that women stay in these volatile situations, their self-value diminishes, then the abuse is normalized. In those times, though the decision to leave is solely the victim's to make, the support of their loved ones count the most. These types of relationships are very isolating and the more victims think that they have nowhere else to turn, the less likely they are to escape.
Recently, singer Justine Skye recounted her experience of an abusive relationship with an unnamed entertainer, and the challenges that she faced in leaving:
"There is a difference between really loving someone and caring about them and just being controlling, and I wasn't able to tell the difference. Or I just didn't want to believe it and it got out of hand because I just didn't want to believe this person that claimed that he loved me so much could hurt me...seeing the reaction from a lot of people in my life that I thought that was my friends, because of who it was, they decided to just turn the blind eye and it just really opened my eyes."
Being in a relationship with a person that you love who also causes you harm can be one of the most confusing and shame-inducing situations in your life, but with the right support, it does not have to be.
Your abuser is not some lunatic who grabbed you off the street and started to attack you, he is often your lover, your husband or the father of your children with some very great qualities. With that being said, your life is worth much more than how well you can hide your scars and pretend that all is okay, and each time you take him back, you are putting your life in danger.
You have everything that you need inside of you to survive and thrive in this life because you are whole as an individual. It is not your job to risk your life in order to mend his brokenness, let him heal that on his own.
You will find success stories few and far between of women who were able to change the dynamic of their abusive relationships. There are resources out there for you to help you make the changes necessary in your life, whenever you have decided that you have had enough. Choose to love yourself more than you love him.
If you need to reach out to someone, contact The National Domestic Abuse Hotline 24/7 here. Watch the full Red Table Talk episode below:
Featured via Giphy
New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage