The New Year has finally arrived after the wild ride that was 2020. This month we've got Mars finally shifting out of impulsive Aries after a six-month stint into down-to-earth Taurus for the next couple of months, gifting us with a more grounded, steady approach to our 2021 resolutions. When Venus and the Moon meet up in Capricorn, it's time to get serious, whether that's taking a relationship to the next level or committing to that new career goal. The middle of the month could shake things up once Uranus goes direct. Towards the end of the month, things are getting a little weird with our first Mercury Retrograde of the year. Read more to see how this month's cosmic blueprint affects your zodiac sign!
Aries
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe New Year starts off on a high note with Mars leaving your sign and transitioning into Taurus to help mellow you out. When Mars enters Taurus on the 6th, you're taking a slow and steady pace towards your financial goals. On the 8th, Mercury shifts into Aquarius reigniting the flame of passion towards your dreams. Rally the troops, Aries. There are people that can't wait to be a part of what you're creating! When Venus and the Moon meet up on the 13th, you're attracting positive feedback from an influential figure that could help boost your own social status through an opportunity extended to you.
On the 14th, Uranus goes direct which could require you to switch up your approach to making money. Don't limit your abundance by pigeon-holing yourself into one lane when you have the ability to expand in other directions. When Jupiter squares this part of your chart you're encouraged to embrace the changing tide guiding you toward a new tribe. Aquarius season officially begins on the 19th, assisting you in making new friends and growing your social media following. The Full Moon on the 28th invites you to nurture your inner child by going on an adventure or doing something creative. Some of you may even announce a pregnancy around this time. January winds down with Mercury going retrograde, giving you a chance to revisit some old connections that may have the potential to be integrated into your life again.
Taurus
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleJanuary begins with Mars transitioning into your sign after a six-month long stint in Aries. Over the next couple of months, you'll have a lot more energy to get things done with a slow and steady approach. When Mercury enters Aquarius, you're focused on strategizing your way up the career ladder. On the 13th, Venus meets up with the Moon which could have you attracting romance from overseas or from someone who is culturally different from you. When it comes to finances, imports and exports are on the brain as you come up with some ways to work around the current shipping delays.
Uranus goes direct on the 14th which could have you feeling a little agitated. Be mindful of your temper leading up to Jupiter squaring off with Uranus on the 17th. Either your supervisor, or someone in a position of authority, is getting on your last nerve. Don't let them take you there! On the 19th, the Sun enters Aquarius which could have you receiving recognition for handling a recent career challenge with such grace. The Full Moon on the 28th could stir up some tension within the home environment or family unit. Take a deep breath and count to ten before responding. The month closes with Mercury going retrograde, inviting you to reassess your strategy for success. Work smarter, not harder.
Gemini
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe New Year kicks off with Mars entering Taurus on the 6th which could have your energy levels lower than usual. Avoid doing the most during this transit and pace yourself when it comes to achieving your goals in the year ahead. When Venus and the New Moon meet up on the 13th, financial support lands in your lap from an unexpected source. On the 14th, Uranus stations direct after disrupting your subconscious for the past five months. The greatest revolution is our personal, inner transformation. When Jupiter squares this part of your chart, you may feel like someone is trying to enforce their way onto you as if they're some Higher Power. Avoid getting sucked into their drama of self-righteousness and continue along your own path.
The Sun enters Aquarius on the 19th, encouraging you to expand your horizons and making this a good time to go back to school or sign up for that workshop to refine your knowledge. On the 28th, the Full Moon motivates you to use your gift of gab to catapult you into the spotlight. It's your time to shine, superstar! January winds down with your ruling planet going retrograde, making it a good time to review any travel plans, study material, or written work to make sure everything is in order. If you're taking a trip, make sure to arrive at the airport earlier than usual to avoid delays!
Cancer
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleYou can finally breathe a sigh of relief now that Mars has exited fellow cardinal sign Aries and transitioned into slow and steady Taurus. The troops are rallying around in support of you so make sure you're using your social network to your advantage. When Mercury shifts into Aquarius, you're focused on analyzing your emotional landscape which could have you feeling a bit disconnected from others. On the 8th, Venus enters Capricorn which has you considering a long-term commitment with your current partner. If you're single, the New Moon on the 13th could orchestrate a fated encounter with someone who will be significant to you in the year ahead.
On the 14th, Uranus goes direct which could be the lucky break you've been waiting for to catapult your brand or business to the next level. Unfortunately, with your success comes jealousy from those intimidated by your will power to make sh*t happen. The Sun enters Aquarius on the 19th, inviting you to take a more objective look at some of the painful experiences you typically cling to, but this energy helps you healthily detach that old sob story. The Full Moon on the 28th helps you resolve any financial issues by clearing out debt and those frivolous spending habits you've developed during the quarantine. January wraps up with Mercury going retrograde, guiding you to uncover another layer of your healing process.
Leo
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThere's a lot of action taking place for your sign this mont,h starting off with Mars transitioning into Taurus which has you feeling the pressure to make an impression within your chosen career path. When Mercury enters Aquarius on the 8th, you're having some important conversations with a significant other, business partner, or employer. On the 13th, Venus links up with the New Moon in Capricorn inviting you to get more disciplined when it comes to your health. A new workout plan could be just what you need to jumpstart your fitness resolutions.
Lay low around the 14th as there will likely be a bit of a shake up when Uranus stations direct. Between your boss and your spouse, you may feel like you've had enough of everyone's demands when Jupiter squares Uranus on the 17th. The Sun enters Aquarius on the 19th, encouraging you to partner up with more like-minded people that can help you achieve your dreams. The Full Moon in your sign on the 28th is a great time to reveal your new hairstyle or ensemble you've been dying to show off. The month winds down with our first Mercury retrograde of the year giving you a chance to revise existing contracts and agreements so they serve all parties involved.
Virgo
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleAfter a crazy 2020, you're still feeling pretty optimistic about the New Year, thanks to Mars finally letting up on the gas in Aries and transitioning into Taurus on the 6th. Over the next couple of months, your energy will be exerted towards higher learning, international affairs, and long-distance travel. When Venus and the New Moon meet up in Capricorn, you're feeling the romance in the air. Work can wait another day. Schedule some time to cuddle with bae or have a coffee date with a new suitor. On the 14th, Uranus goes direct, gifting you a much-needed "a-ha" moment about something that has been holding up your spiritual growth.
Be mindful of how much time you're spending on online—whether you're researching your latest topic of interest or casually scrolling through Twitter. When Jupiter squares Uranus on the 17th, you could be experiencing technology burnout. Close your laptop and put your phone on DND for a day. On the 19th, the Sun enters Aquarius encouraging you to find a community to hold you accountable for your health and fitness goals. The Full Moon on the 28th motivates you to wrap up a cycle in which you've been dimming your shine. January comes to a close with Mercury going retrograde, inviting you to revisit an old routine that contributed to a more balanced lifestyle.
Libra
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe New Year kicks off with Mars entering Taurus, directing your energy towards healing emotional wounds and traumas that affected your self-esteem. On the 8th, Mercury enters Aquarius encouraging you to indulge in some romance. If you're single, you could actually wind up getting lucky on a dating app over the next few weeks. When Venus and the New Moon meet up in Capricorn, you're setting new foundations with some long-term investments, making this the perfect time to buy a new home or rental property.
Uranus goes direct on the 14th which could cause some emotional disruptions, especially when Jupiter squares this part of your chart on the 17th. You'll be a little more sensitive around this time so be gentle with yourself and avoid harsh people that ruffle your feathers. On the 19th, the Sun enters Aquarius, reminding you to let your freak flag fly. Most people know you to be prim and proper but it's time to let your wild side out to give voice to your creative genius. The Full Moon on the 28th could be a time of sudden growth, especially if you're an aspiring influencer. January wraps up with Mercury going retrograde and some former romantic interests hitting you up in your DMs.
Scorpio
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleJanuary is packed with a lot of action for you this month, starting out with Mars entering Taurus which has you directing your energy towards relationships, business partnerships, and contractual agreements. Over the next couple of months, you could find yourself solidifying more solid connections, whether professionally or romantically. When Mercury enters Aquarius, home and family matters receive much of your attention. On the 13th, Venus nestles up with the New Moon in Capricorn which has you on the receiving end of some important communications about your career and finances.
A minor shake up in a significant partnership can occur when Uranus goes direct on the 14th. When Jupiter squares this part of your chart, be mindful of reacting strongly to other people's annoying behavior. The Sun enters Aquarius on the 19th, encouraging you to redefine what family means for you. Planning for renovations or a relocation is also supported. You could be celebrating a long-awaited career breakthrough around the Full Moon in Leo. See where hard work and consistent effort gets you? The month comes to a close with Mercury going retrograde. Avoid signing a lease or closing on a house until mid-March to avoid issues later down the line.
Sagittarius
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe New Year kicks off with you setting some intentions to improve your health when Mars enters Taurus on the 6th. Although this is a time in which you'll likely want to lean into what makes you comfortable, you're encouraged to create some new habits and routines that truly support your well-being. When Mercury enters Aquarius, you're strategizing ways to expand your reach on within your local community, making this a good time to embrace your humanitarian side. On the 13th, Venus meets up with the Moon in Capricorn, helping you attract a new opportunity that will help you achieve more long-lasting financial security.
When Jupiter squares Uranus on the 17th, be mindful of erratic communication, particularly with people in the workplace. With these planets duking it out in fixed signs, there could be a clash of opinions. Do your best to handle it with grace. On the 20th, the Sun enters Aquarius, making this a great time to work on that novel, blog, or website you want to launch. Revamping your social media aesthetic is also favorable during this time. The Full Moon on the 28th illuminates your path through some sort of spiritual breakthrough. The month wraps up with Mercury going retrograde, giving you a chance to make some final touches for your big debut.
Capricorn
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleCreativity and romance are lighting up your world when Mars enters Taurus on the 6th. If you've been wanting to start a project, now is the time to get to work. Just make sure to carve out some time for your inner child to play as well. When Venus enters your sign on the 8th, your personal magnetism has you on the receiving end of some amazing opportunities that can help you establish long-term wealth. The New Moon on the 13th invites you to reinvent yourself in some way, making this the perfect time for a new hairstyle or an overhaul of your wardrobe.
Around the middle of the month, Uranus goes direct, resulting in a pleasant surprise from a romantic suitor or someone that admires your creative gifts. You never know who's watching you these days. When Jupiter squares Uranus on the 17th, be mindful of making erratic decisions about your money. Aquarius season officially begins on the 19th, encouraging you to explore innovative ways to get in your bag. The Full Moon on the 28th motivates you to overcome any fears of standing out from the crowd. January wraps up with Mercury going retrograde, making this a good time to reassess your budget, debt, and savings plan.
Aquarius
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleJanuary is packed with action for you this month starting off with Mars directing your energy towards your home environment. The next couple of months invite you to indulge in your creature comforts. When Mercury enters your sign on the 8th, life is getting busy and everybody wants to be all up in your business. Don't be afraid to use the DND option on your phone when you need a break. On the 14th, Uranus goes direct which may require you to think on your toes if a sudden change arises on the home front. Emotions may be on edge when Jupiter squares Uranus so be mindful of family drama around this time.
Your birthday season officially begins when the Sun enters your sign on the 19th. It's time to reintroduce the world to the new you. The first quarter moon in Taurus helps you smooth out any tension that may have occurred with your family or roommates. A significant relationship or business partnership could be going through some changes as you choose to strike out on your own. The month comes to a close with Mercury retracing its steps through your sign, giving you the opportunity to double-back on an important conversation that was left open-ended.
Pisces
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month begins with Mars directing your energy towards all of the amazing money-making ideas you've had lately but lacked the vitality to follow through on. Roll up your sleeves and get to work. Your disciplined effort can have you seeing big results in a short amount of time. When Venus enters Capricorn, you could find yourself attracting a lot of attention online, making this an opportune time to gather supporters for your dream team. The New Moon on the 13th encourages you to shoot for the stars and surround yourself with people that truly want to see you succeed.
On the 14th, Uranus goes direct which could have you striking gold with a genius idea. When the Sun enters Aquarius take some time to disconnect from the daily grind to reconnect with your Higher Power. The Full Moon on the 28th could reveal some hidden motives from someone in the workplace but it's nothing you can't handle with some nice, assertive boundaries or a simple "No, thanks. I'm not interested." January wraps up with our first Mercury Retrograde of the year inviting you to tie up loose ends so you can start your new solar year baggage-free.
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Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole.com
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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