In this great American pie that we're all a part of, it's fair to say that we all want a piece. As Black women, we are taught to be grateful for our portion, say our grace, and to most importantly, mind our manners and say "thank you." If we ask for a bigger slice, we're called "greedy," or worse, "difficult," as though fighting for our fair share is an act of treason. Although this rhetoric remains dominant in our society, anyone who thinks that women are meant to be seen and not heard is in for serious reality checks from one of the Original Queens of Comedy.
It's been a tumultuous few years for Mo'Nique, who in that time has taken on industry giants like Lionsgate and Netflix, and started an important conversation about the pay gap that exists for women of color in the process. After winning an Oscar for her role in Precious in 2015, and making some controversial statements about powerhouses Tyler Perry, Oprah Winfrey, and Lee Daniels, Mo'Nique claims that she was unfairly blackballed from the entertainment industry.
Last year, the comedian made headlines when she was featured on The View and The Breakfast Club after calling for a nationwide boycott of Netflix due to pay inequality. The comedian alleges that the streaming service offered her a great deal less than her counterparts (including Amy Schumer and Chris Rock), solely based on her identity as a Black woman.
Although some claim that the comedian has added unnecessary strain on her career for the sake of making a point, others (including myself) feel that Mo'Nique's battle is an important one to fight.
Don't get me wrong, I love me some Amy Schumer. But in what world does Amy Schumer get paid more than a comedy legend? Nah, son. Auntie Mo' recently sat down with former comedian and long-time friend, Steve Harvey, to give the world her side of the story. Watch the breakdown:
The interview, which left a bad taste in my mouth before I was even able to get to the :30 second mark, began with Steve explaining how problematic Mo'Nique has been in the public eye. Monique told Steve:
"I said 'no' to some very powerful people."
Too often are Black entertainers told to sit down, shut up, and entertain, which is exactly what Mo'Nique is going through right now. During the interview, it became abundantly clear that our old Uncle Steve (twice removed), wasn't quite getting the point. He argued:
"When you tell the truth, you have to deal with the repercussions of the truth. We Black out here. We can't come out here and do it any kind of way we want to. ... This is the money game. This ain't the Black man's game, this ain't the white man's game. This is the money game!"
This is true, Unc. We are Black out here. Which makes it that much more important that we stand up and open our mouths when we face injustice. Money can't buy equality, brother. Before I could even articulate my feelings to devise the ultimate clap back in my head, Mo'Nique offered the perfect response and said what we were all thinking:
"Before the money game, it's called the integrity game. And we've lost the integrity worrying about the money."
Steve then made a powerful point, explaining that it is impossible to fight darkness with darkness. To that, she responded:
"What we can do is cure it with comedy. And what I'm not going to do, Steve, I'm never, ever gonna waiver from my comedy show on that stage. That's my gift and that's my freedom. And what happens is when you allow people to start taking your freedom and your gift and making it become what makes them comfortable, we then lose."
Preach it, Auntie.
Now I'm a woman who's all about a bag; I live for a check honey. But never, ever will I let a check dilute my beliefs or sully my integrity, and I think that those were Monique's sentiments exactly. I can only speak for myself when I say, I'm not the easiest person to work with. I've been told that I can be hard to please and could use a reality check from time-to-time, hell, nobody's perfect. But I take tremendous pride in my work and I truly believe that I'm a beast at what I do. No amount of money that's offered to me by a man can trump that. Periodt.
The Bible says do not cast your pearls before swine, so if you're in a position where your value is being challenged, it's okay to walk away. Your gifts are valuable, and you are deserving of everything you desire, even if you are "difficult." Take it from Mo'Nique, who recently made history as the first Black comedian to have a residency in Las Vegas, no one man can stop your bag when God gives you a gift and you walk in that truth.
When men stand up for themselves in the face of oppression, they are called courageous and brave. So why is it that when women demand the same reciprocity, we are berated for our attitudes toward equality and labeled "difficult"? Know that you are not alone, Mo'Nique, and on behalf all of the other difficult women that are reading this, we stand with you in your fight for the respect that you deserve.
Featured image by Emma McIntyre/Getty Images.
Watch the full clip from the show below!
Mo'Nique and Steve Get Real: Part 1www.youtube.com
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- Steve Harvey And Mo'Nique Discuss Netflix, Blackballing | Vibe ›
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- MoNique Vs. Steve Harvey: Twitter Slams 'The Steve Harvey Show ... ›
- Mo'Nique and Steve Harvey argue on-air over Hollywood 'blackball ... ›
- Mo'Nique and Steve Harvey Argue About Her Being Blackballed by ... ›
- 'This is the money game': Mo'Nique and Steve Harvey's tense talk on ... ›
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The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
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3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
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For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Now, while it’s another message for another time that if this type of sex-related craving feels impulsive or out of one’s control, it could be a sign of someone who is leaning into some level of sex addiction; however, that is not what we’re going to unpack today. Today, we’re going to look into what could be going on with you if it seems like, lately, you’ve been having a greater desire for sex, and you can’t quite pinpoint why.
Because, just like, say, a craving for a particular type of food oftentimes reveals something that is going on with you physically or mentally — sex cravings tend to bring certain things to light in those same areas, too.
Let’s dig in…
Hormonal Shifts
GiphyAlthough I don’t have social media accounts, I do tiptoe out there to see what’s going on — and boy, do I roll my eyes whenever I hear folks act like being over 40 is old. SMDH. It’s especially annoying when I hear about it in the context of sex because, believe it or not, there are a lot of late perimenopausal and menopausal women who are “gettin’ theirs” more than some of these 20 and 30-year-olds are (just ask them).
One reason is that the fear of experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, for many, is now in their rearview mirror. Another is because some are taking a form of hormone therapy to treat the changes that their system is going through — and when you’re getting more estrogen, progesterone, and/or testosterone into your body (in order to level things out) — HUNNAY.
For other women, even consuming phytoestrogens (plant-based estrogen) like peaches, garlic, berries, spinach, and cabbage can make them want sex more than when those aren’t a part of their diet. Bottom line here, a shift in your sexual hormones can definitely cause you to desire sex more than you have before (or have in a while).
Ovulation
GiphyBack when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit, something that I used to tell “my daughters” all of the time is when you know that you’re ovulating, that’s when you need to be hypervigilant about using wisdom when it comes to the sex-related decisions that you make. I’m thinking that most of you get why: your body was designed to feel its horniest when you’re able to get pregnant — and that is during your time of ovulation.
That’s why it really is a good idea to keep up with your cycle and, if a baby is not something that is on your priority list right now, you either avoid having sex during that time of the month or make sure to use some form of birth control. Chile, even women with low libidos can find themselves wanting to hang off of a chandelier or two when they are ovulating. It’s nature’s way.
A Healthy Diet
GiphyIf you happen to be someone with a sluggish sex drive and you know that you spend most of your time in a drive-thru, there is probably a direct correlation there. No joke. There is plenty of research out in cyberspace to support the fact that a wack diet and low sex drive have a lot in common. While processed foods and unhealthy fats can throw your (sex) hormones off, foods that are filled with zinc, vitamins B12 and D, and iron can ramp up your desire for intimacy.
This is why many people who decide to make a lifestyle change as far as their eating habits are concerned are oftentimes surprised by how much sex is on their minds and how much easier it is for them to orgasm because of it. While a part of it can be due to a boost in their sexual confidence, a lot of it has to do with consuming foods that will literally feed their libido (in a healthy way).
More Exercise
GiphyPlainly put, exercise makes you hornier. Not only does it boost your testosterone levels, (consistently) working out also lowers your stress levels and gives you a boost in the self-esteem department. On top of that, exercise makes you more flexible, builds up endurance, and increases blood circulation which can turn around and intensify your climaxes as a direct result. In fact, this is oftentimes why people will want to have sex right after a workout session.
While we’re here, let me also share that too much of a good thing can end up being counterproductive. What I mean by that is, that although it is wise to exercise on a regular basis, make sure to not overdo it. Something known as overtraining syndrome can result in fatigue, insomnia, and irritability; no one can really have amazing sex when all of that is going on.
Being a Certain Age
GiphyWhile it used to be said that the sexual peak for men is in their teens and for women, it’s in their 30s (some believe it’s because after 35, it’s more challenging for women to get pregnant and so our biological clock plays a role in it all), some research believes that coming to that conclusion isn’t fair because aging affects people differently. For instance, while on one hand, people in their 40s tend to see a dip in their sex hormones, as we’ve already discussed, hormone therapy (for both men and women) can level some of those issues out, if not increase some people’s sex drives altogether.
Adding to that, it should also go on record that some studies indicate that women between the ages of 27-45 actually have a stronger desire — or craving — for sex than women between the ages of 18-26. So honestly, there goes the myth that being younger (automatically) means that you’re hornier. #Elmoshrug
Certain Medications
GiphyIf you used to have a higher sex drive and you’re currently on an antidepressant, that could be why your desire for copulation has decreased. Some studies say that as much as 40 percent of people who are on these types of medication end up having a lower libido (by the way, antihistamines and beta-blockers can have this effect, too).
On the other hand, if you’ve been taking a prescribed drug to increase your sex drive (perhaps like Vyleesi or Addyi), then it would make sense that you may have an increased libido level. Other meds that may have a similar effect include birth control pills (since they alter your hormones), medications that help to treat Parkinson’s disease, along with dopamine-related drugs.
Less Stress
GiphyIf, on the days when you don’t seem to have a care in the world, you also desire sex more than usual, that’s not a coincidence either. Thing is, when you’re all stressed out, that can cause the stress hormone known as cortisol to work overtime and, when that happens, that can end up suppressing your sex hormones which can deplete you of sexual urges. Ironically, there is a flip side to this because when you engage in sexual activity, that actually elevates feel-good (and bonding) hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, which can also de-stress you.
So basically, if you’re craving sex, you probably aren’t very stressed out (right now), and if you want to stop being stressed out, you probably should have some sex (some protected sex, if you don’t want to be stressed later up the road…if you know what I mean).
Having an Amazing Sex Life
GiphyTo me, this one right here should be a given because when something is both good to and for you, why wouldn’t you want more of it? So yeah, if you have a great sex life with someone, it’s common sense that you’d want to engage in that act with them as much as possible. Hey, not to mention the fact that orgasms activate your brain in a way similar to a drug high does.
So, if while reading this, you’re thinking about sexting your bae to make arrangements to — eh hem — satisfy your craving, I say go for it! To “greatly want” to connect with your partner in order to have some fulfilling and satisfying sex? What in the world could possibly be wrong with that?! Not a damn thing.
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