Ask Ayana Iman is a weekly advice column where real women anonymously submit their questions about work, life, and love. In response, a certified life coach drops some much-needed gems. Check out this week's segment below.
Dear Ayana Iman: I am with a guy and he lives with his child’s mother. They broke up and she is about to move out of the house, however, lawyers are involved because she wants all the money back she spent on remodeling his kitchen. I feel weary most times because the process is taking too long. Sometimes I think they are making things work and not separating, other times, I remind myself that it will soon be over. He and I work together and hang out majority of the days. I feel like I’m running out of patience.
Sis, there is no loving or humping good enough to accept a piece of a man. Broken up or not, he's involved in a messy situation and you have chosen to join him. What you're currently feeling is your intuition telling you to get out. If he loved you, he wouldn't ask you to be a part of this situation. If you loved yourself, you wouldn't stick around.
Let's put things into perspective:
Man meets women. Man moves in with woman. Man has baby with the woman. Man meets another woman. The cycle continues.
I don't care if he was unhappy in his relationship, that is not an excuse to start another. His selfishness has created drama that cannot be undone with the child's mother moving out. The process is taking long because it's the breaking up of a family. Children are a lifetime commitment. That means she may be out the house soon but her presence will be felt at all times. You damn right she wants the money back from remodeling the kitchen. That woman is in pain and you are a part of the problem. It's not about the breakup. It's the blatant disrespect from a man she loved, with whom she had a baby and made a house a home.
You mentioned you work together - this is another issue. Office relationships are tricky to navigate, even in total bliss. Since you are emotionally invested in him, it may be worth considering a new role in the company or elsewhere. You need a clean break to start fresh away from him and his drama. If you choose to stay, there may be adverse consequences, like disciplinary action from HR if there is a policy against interoffice relationships, tension that affects your productivity, and compromised relationships with your coworkers. Sadly, your reputation can become marred from gossip.
This is not worth losing your integrity. You deserve more, honestly.
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Dear Ayana Iman: I told a guy I was crushing on him. He told me he was emotionally unavailable and going through a lot. I'm 23 and trying to get over the rejection but it's hard. How do I get over someone who never really wanted me in the first place?
This was not rejection, a divine intervention, maybe but not rejection. The only thing you need to do is to let go and move forward. He had the decency to not lead you on and was able to communicate his inability to commit. Would you rather he didn't tell you the truth and drag you through a possibly painful experience? Your worth is not determined by the amount of pain you take.
Trust me, relationships don't have to be complicated for you to experience real love.
I know you're young in age and this may feel like the end but it's not. Word of advice, the next time someone tells you their truth believe them. Whatever he's going through needs to be worked out between him and God. Now is not the time to put on your cape; you can't save 'em all.
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Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
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Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Talking to Allure, the entrepreneur shed light on her beauty and skincare routine. While she enjoys glam, she knows that beauty comes from within and makes sure to instill that in her 8-year-old daughter Zhuri. “Whether you are done up to the gods or at home with a pimple patch and bonnet on, you're beautiful and it's enough,” she said. “You don't have to do any more than that if you don't choose to.”
Below are four essentials that make up Savannah's beauty space.
Vanity
@allure/ Instagram
The video starts off with Savannah showing us her vanity, and everything is organized and labeled. “I love makeup,” she said. “All of my things have been organized for me, which makes it easy to find the things that I need because it’s a lot in there.”
Affirmation Corner
@allure/ Instagram
As she continued showing off her vanity, she also gave us a glimpse at the affirmations she has on star sticky notes posted on the mirror. Some of the affirmations say, “I am loved,” “I am capable,” and “I am strong.”
Soaking In The Bathtub
@allure/ Instagram
One of her favorite ways to relax is by taking baths. “I take probably five or six baths a week,” she confessed. “It’s the best thing in the world. I go through bags and bags and bags of Epsom salt." She continued, “Usually, my kids and my husband know that if they can’t find me, this is where I am.”
Skincare and Haircare Drawers
@allure/ Instagram
In her bathroom, Savannah has two drawers that she calls her “go-tos.” They are her skincare and haircare drawers. The skincare drawer has items like makeup pads, gua sha, and wrist towels ( for when water drips down your arms when you're washing your face), and her haircare drawer includes scrunchies, clips, wig pins, and more. “I am obsessed with skincare. I’m a skincare junkie,” she revealed. “I just think it’s one of the parts of my self-care routine that is a non-negotiable.”
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Feature image by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images
