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Ask Ayana Iman: My Man Still Lives With His Ex, What Do I Do?

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Ask Ayana Iman is a weekly advice column where real women anonymously submit their questions about work, life, and love. In response, a certified life coach drops some much-needed gems. Check out this week's segment below.


Dear Ayana Iman: I am with a guy and he lives with his child’s mother. They broke up and she is about to move out of the house, however, lawyers are involved because she wants all the money back she spent on remodeling his kitchen. I feel weary most times because the process is taking too long. Sometimes I think they are making things work and not separating, other times, I remind myself that it will soon be over. He and I work together and hang out majority of the days. I feel like I’m running out of patience. 

Sis, there is no loving or humping good enough to accept a piece of a man. Broken up or not, he's involved in a messy situation and you have chosen to join him. What you're currently feeling is your intuition telling you to get out. If he loved you, he wouldn't ask you to be a part of this situation. If you loved yourself, you wouldn't stick around.

Let's put things into perspective:

Man meets women. Man moves in with woman. Man has baby with the woman. Man meets another woman. The cycle continues.

I don't care if he was unhappy in his relationship, that is not an excuse to start another. His selfishness has created drama that cannot be undone with the child's mother moving out. The process is taking long because it's the breaking up of a family. Children are a lifetime commitment. That means she may be out the house soon but her presence will be felt at all times. You damn right she wants the money back from remodeling the kitchen. That woman is in pain and you are a part of the problem. It's not about the breakup. It's the blatant disrespect from a man she loved, with whom she had a baby and made a house a home.

You mentioned you work together - this is another issue. Office relationships are tricky to navigate, even in total bliss. Since you are emotionally invested in him, it may be worth considering a new role in the company or elsewhere. You need a clean break to start fresh away from him and his drama. If you choose to stay, there may be adverse consequences, like disciplinary action from HR if there is a policy against interoffice relationships, tension that affects your productivity, and compromised relationships with your coworkers. Sadly, your reputation can become marred from gossip.

This is not worth losing your integrity. You deserve more, honestly.

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Dear Ayana Iman: I told a guy I was crushing on him. He told me he was emotionally unavailable and going through a lot. I'm 23 and trying to get over the rejection but it's hard. How do I get over someone who never really wanted me in the first place?

This was not rejection, a divine intervention, maybe but not rejection. The only thing you need to do is to let go and move forward. He had the decency to not lead you on and was able to communicate his inability to commit. Would you rather he didn't tell you the truth and drag you through a possibly painful experience? Your worth is not determined by the amount of pain you take.

Trust me, relationships don't have to be complicated for you to experience real love.

I know you're young in age and this may feel like the end but it's not. Word of advice, the next time someone tells you their truth believe them. Whatever he's going through needs to be worked out between him and God. Now is not the time to put on your cape; you can't save 'em all.

Do you have a question about love, life, career, wellness, etc. that you'd like for life coach Ayana to answer in a future Ask Ayana Iman segment? Submit your questions here for a chance to have your question answered! Click here for past Ask Ayana Iman posts to see if your question has already been answered or to read past stories/advice!

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