We all know that the pandemic has been an eye-opener for professionals forced to work from home, isolate, and now, deal with the back-to-office mania. In fact, research by insurance giant Prudential has found that 1 in 4 workers are looking toward new career horizons, and another recent survey of professionals ages 18-24 found that 66% have felt stuck in their careers since the pandemic began.
With realizations that come from new challenges, there's renewal, and with renewal there's the opportunity to get into new boss moves. And, per usual, we've got our xoNecole tribe covered with the tea on how to change your career and walk into the abundance you deserve.
1. Get real about what you really hate: the job or the career path itself.
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Before you send that resignation email, stop selling that product, or move out of town to start over, it's always a good idea to take account of your why. Write down the pros and cons of your current career and evaluate whether you're just tired of your current situation or whether you need to throw the whole career away.
Use a simple two-column method (with a space for pros on one side and cons on the other) and be totally honest with yourself. Then, evaluate whether the things you like and dislike about the work you do apply to just the job or the profession as a whole.
For example, my first job out of college was working as a copy editor at a small newspaper owned by a large publisher. I surely didn't get a journalism degree to be a copy editor. I wanted bylines and notoriety, and copy editors typically sat in an office all day, staring at copy, making corrections, and designing news pages. I took the gig because I had a mentor who advised me to try it, and many of my classmates—who only applied for the writing and newscaster openings—found themselves unemployed for longer than I could stomach. I eventually found that I hated being far away from my family and I felt like the slow, conservative culture in the small town where the newsroom was located was a horrible fit for me.
On the flip side, I loved my coworkers, enjoyed being challenged, and was offered a blog for the newspaper's website, which helped diversify my duties and scratch my writing itch. When I was ready to leave, I strategized for the opportunity for upward mobility (i.e. working at said large publisher's headquarters). I stuck it out, advanced, and after two years, ended up getting hired at the headquarters... in New York. I found that I loved all aspects of journalism and that it wasn't the nature of the job, but the environment. I also got to be in the epicenter of my industry, eventually moved on to magazine writing and editing, and the rest is history.
2. Dip your toe in new waters before taking the leap.
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I know, I know. If you're already juggling a demanding day job, how can you find the time to take on more? Well, sis, think outside the box on this one. Your current job might have opportunities to collaborate or lead projects with other departments, allowing you to really flex other passions and skills that have all but died in your current role.
Have coffee dates or virtual chats with coworkers who work in departments that are doing things you might be interested in or might allow you to tap into other aspirations. This is a great way to test out a new "career" without actually leaving your company or totally reinventing the wheel.
I'm one of those "geriatric millennials" who has always been fascinated by the Internet and what can be done online. (My brother's a computer geek and engineer, so I grew up intrigued and wowed by the things he could do or create.) I started working in digital media when the whole concept was super-new and "risky" for publishing houses. Print was king back then (early 2000s sis. Don't try me!). I'd volunteer, as a print editor, to take on website editing and writing that nobody else had the time (or desire) to bother with. Doing so allowed me to become somewhat of a tech geek, expand my knowledge of SEO, ad sales, traffic, video production, and website design.
I also got to work with IT professionals and tech disruptors who were already ahead of the game in that arena. In addition, I got promoted a tad quicker than my peers, becoming a manager before 30. While it didn't lead to a total career change to become a bonafide app builder or full-time blogger (which I actually regret because I missed the money boat on that one), it did enhance my experience at work and kept those nasty feelings of stagnation at bay.
Other great ways to test the waters of a new career: Volunteer for a role at an organization, take some courses on subjects related to your dream career, add just one or two new services of products to your offerings to see how they do with clients or customers, or start a part-time side hustle doing whatever that future dream gig entails.
3. Take an assessment.
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Don't shake your head, yet. This might seem like something super-boring, technical, and annoying, but there are so many assessments that can be super-helpful in your journey to figure out your next career move. They're a great way to find out more about your skills, your passions, and how best to use them. I was initially skeptical of these until I was forced to do more than a few for my master's program coursework. The insights were amazingly enlightening and helped me clarify what I wanted to do with the next five years of my work life.
Some are free (like this one and this one) and some are an investment (like this one. Trust me sis, it's worth it.) You can find out personality traits that match with certain vocations, pinpoint your leadership strengths and weaknesses, and get recommendations on various types of jobs or roles that are a great fit—or might not be.
They're especially helpful when you're at a place of transition and are not quite sure which way to go (which is where I was a few years ago. I hit a peak in my career that led to major feelings of fear, inadequacy, and utter confusion).
When you're armed with information and resources to at least point you in the right direction to find the answers you need about your next career phase, it's easier to navigate the bumps that come with that journey. (Check out another great list of assessments here.)
4. Get a coach.
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Investing in a transitions, career, or life coach is something that can bring priceless returns. Just like you'd get a realtor to help find your dream home and navigate the sometimes lengthy and complicated process of searching and closing, it's a good idea to get a coach for a major decision like a career change. You might say, "Well why pay them? What do I get for my money." Uhhhhh, peace of mind, clarity, organization, and direction.
I'd been working in media for over a decade and never thought I needed a coach until I decided to up and quit my job in management to work for myself. I'd always had decent-paying, health-benefits-offering positions at prestigious companies, and when I got my first big client within 2 weeks of going solo, I thought I'd made it. Wrong. I eventually lost that client, had nothing to fall back on, and had to really come to terms with the fact that I had big-talk entrepreneurial aspirations with a spoiled, scared, check-to-check, nine-to-fiver mindset.
I broke down and finally connected with a mastermind coach who was not only a successful entrepreneur herself, but someone who could relate to the shame and trauma I felt after not being an instant and consistent success in self-employment.
She helped me map out a better plan of action for my freelance projects, sift through my jumbled ideas and turn them into feasible concepts that were sellable and scalable, update my time management approach, and she provided a sounding board for times of frustration and utter failure.
If you can't afford to hire a coach, check out free resources from organizations like the National Urban League, via your local library (which sometimes lists opportunities to connect with local coaches), and through scholarship, grant, and nonprofit initiatives. And don't forget to look in your own backyard: Many sorority, alumni or civic organizations offer free coaching services, and there are Facebook and LinkedIn groups dedicated to it.
5. Check your lifestyle and finances.
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Baby, rent is always due, and don't let IG fool you. I really don't have to tell you this but I will: Making a career change can be scary, super-risky, and utterly stressful. At one point, I thought I could be a full-time social media manager. I'd been in media for a while and had dabbled in various aspects of the industry, so I thought, "Hey, why not? How different can it be?"
Chile, talk about a hot mess. I hated the monotonous and tedious scheduling, I was not that great nor competitive at creating awesome videos and graphics, and I began to feel that feedback was more like annoying nitpicking (which it really wasn't. I mean, they were paying and deserved to get what they wanted). Also, I didn't like being on-call due to the nature of managing social, and I'm really not into the constant pressure of increasing audiences through that medium. It just wasn't something I enjoyed doing at all
The change was a big mistake that cost me lots of money and time that I really couldn't afford to lose at the time. I'd stopped taking on clients for other services to switch fully into social media management, so, again, I had no alternate income to fall back on. I parted ways with several clients at that time because, let's face it: I hated being a social media manager and really won't give my best to a role I hate. That put a strain on my pockets and led to burnout that negatively impacted my true passions: content management, editing, and writing.
Ask yourself the hard questions: Can I afford to make a change right now? If it's not a good fit or happens to be a mistake, will my savings cover me for a while? If my new career shift includes taking a pay cut, investing more money in overhead costs, or losing a current audience or client, am I OK with that? Does my dream future lifestyle fit with what that industry normally pays people, and if not, again, am I OK with that? Will I be able to leverage opportunities in order to be financially free? Will the shift actually lead to more financial gains or more debt and little return on investment?
And I'm from the school of You Really Can Do Anything You Put Your Mind To, so I'm not going to get into the narrative of avoiding taking action due to money issues. (I mean, I get it: Some folks are scared to make a change if the circumstances for doing so aren't perfect. Well, not me.) Let's reverse that: As my mother would say, find a way and get it done. If you have to adjust your budget, take on more hours to earn funds to put in your "I Quit" account, lean on friends and family (word to Granny and Ma!), work with an adviser to map out the financial part of your transition, or take a leap of faith, do it.
Changing your career or totally shifting professional focus can be a roller coaster drama with crazy characters, several acts, random mini-failures, and many intermissions, but I liken the process to anything beautiful and fulfilling in one's life: If it's something you're called to do, the not-so-sweet stuff is well worth it.
For more job search tips, career advice and profiles, check out the xoNecole Workin Girl section here.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
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*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
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As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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