I Gave Up My Career To Be A Stay-At-Home Mom, Now I’m Consumed With Guilt
It's 8:45 p.m. in our house. The dishwasher has been loaded and is working its magic. Every surface in the kitchen has been wiped clean to the point where they're
emitting a bit of a sparkle. The floors are swept. The dog has been walked. The baby has just nodded off to sleep. My husband stretches before giving his tummy a pat of satisfaction, letting me know dinner was on point tonight. For this miniature moment in time, all is well in the world and I am feeling accomplished.
Unfortunately, this feeling will be gone by daybreak. Guilt will take its place.
Every morning as my husband rises to get ready for work, she takes her seat next to me as I give my daughter her first diaper change for the day. Sometimes she speaks softly. Sometimes she yells. All of the time she makes me feel as if I need to be doing more. She tells me that despite taking on the majority of childcare and household chores, I'm not pulling my weight because I gave up my salary. As I indulge in morning snuggles with the baby, she reminds of my husband's taxing commute into the city. When we walk him to the door and wave goodbye, she reminds me of all of the amazing accomplishments my girlfriends are making in the working world that I've left behind.
She loves to taunt me. Who is she? She is me.
When my husband first tossed out the idea of me being a stay-at-home mom, we were still dating. His mom had been a stay-at-home mom and he wanted the same for our kids. I understood and I appreciated the fact that he wanted to provide our future kids with the gift of having their mom around full-time.
"Sounds good," I said. "Let's do it."
It did sound good. I had always wanted to be home with my kids while they were small because my own mom had worked around the clock. As a child, I would have given my left arm to have her around more. At the same time, a part of me winced as those words left my mouth. It was the part of me that thought about all of the career growth I would miss out on during those five years it would take for our then-hypothetical kid to grow from a newborn to a kindergartner. But in my mind, it was all worth it. So I agreed.
And it's still worth it. I love being able to watch my daughter grow and change each day. I love witnessing each and every last one of her milestones. Most of all, I love the fact that I'm not so tired and burnt out that I don't have the energy to be the patient mother I have always dreamed of being. This surely would not have been the case if I maintained my demanding position as a middle school teacher. The first five years of a child's life are magical and I am blessed to be home to witness them. However, it's been quite the adjustment.
I've worked since I was 12 years old. As a middle schooler, I would babysit my niece while my sister attended night classes at a local college. I loved the feeling of independence that earning my own money gave me, so I continued to work. All through high school and college, I maintained a steady flow of income and that continued throughout adulthood. When I formally resigned from my position at the conclusion of my maternity leave, I couldn't help but feel as though some aspect of my identity and independence had been stripped from me.
And then came the guilt.
Some days, it would manifest as me feeling as though my husband was working harder than me for our family. Some days, it would manifest as me feeling like financial dead weight. Some days, it came in the form of worry that my daughter may somehow end up getting less than she deserves because we're living on one income. Some days, it shows up as shame that I'm squandering this precious time with my baby because I'm busy worrying and stressing. Each time, it would temporarily rob me of the joy watching my baby grow up before my very eyes.
Apparently, I'm not alone. Regardless of one's occupation or lack thereof, lingering guilt affects all moms. According to a 2013 survey conducted by NUK, nearly 87 percent of moms feel guilty. 21 percent admitted feeling this way all or most of the time.
Mom guilt is real. Thankfully, the more that I acknowledge it for what it is, the better I get at dealing with it. Here are some of the things that are helping me to overcome:
Pray.
First and foremost, praying for guidance and trusting that the steps of my life have already been ordered has been giving me peace.
Savor the moment.
Babies grow up so quickly. Before I know it, my little girl will be starting kindergarten and I'll be heading back to work, looking back at these days as the good ole days. Each day, I remind myself to be mentally present for these priceless moments instead of constantly worrying about what's next.
Communicate.
When I'm feeling particularly vulnerable or anxious about my new unemployed state, I find that communicating my feelings and concerns to my husband always puts my mind at ease.
I'll admit that the guilt hasn't completely dissipated, but each day I'm getting better at shutting it out which is all we can really ask for, right?
Jazmine Denise is a mother, writer and educator. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenie and visit her blog, www.blackgirlmom.com, for more of her musings on millennial motherhood.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line CÉCRED & Here's My Honest Review
Beyoncé is snatching our wallets yet again with her latest business venture CÉCRED. In 2023, the Texas native hinted at a potential haircare line when she posted this photo causing fans to speculate that her next project would be focused on her famous tresses - they were right. Her haircare line Cécred launched on February 20 with her first drop called The Foundation Collection which focuses on haircare first, and I can only assume that a style product line for colored-treated hair will likely follow since Beyoncé is known for slaying various shades of blonde.
As a super fan since the early 2000s, it was only right that I give an honest review of the full line and purchase the Super Fan Bundle (retailed at $265) which includes the full product line of the 8 products, as well as a branded cosmetic bag. If you’re thinking, “Girl that bundle is too pricey for me,” I can assure you that for the value you're getting, the price is quite reasonable. This bundle was an intentional and marketable way to allow consumers to experience every Cécred product.
The brand messaging surrounding Cécred has been salon-inspired, and rightfully so as an ode to Beyoncé’s upbringing growing up in her mother’s hair salon in Houston. This line is backed by science and licensed cosmetologists showing that she’s done her research and appointed the experts. Cécred's IG feed has been filled with images and videos inside of hair salons including some videos of Ms. Tina herself assisting in the styling of beauty experts who visited Cécred's private salon to have the VIP treatment!
Now, have I seen influencers, consumers, and beauty stylists using the Foundation Collection at home? Yes, but I thought it was best to experience Cécred with my go-to cosmetologist who also happens to be my Auntie Tawana. She has been my educator and go-to for hair knowledge since I was a child and has had a hand in my mom's hair health which has always been goals for me. As a little girl, my Saturdays were spent sitting in her hair salon while my mama got her hair done as I patiently waited reading Jet and ESSENCE, ever so carefully eavesdropping on the conversations of the ladies who were coming for much more than just a beauty routine, but an experience.
I’d fall asleep on the plush couch in the waiting area flipping through magazines while listening to the sultry sounds of Maxwell. And I had my first lesson in breakup empowerment when I heard Sunshine Anderson’s “Heard It All Before.” So there was no other place for me to go than to see her, and because I’m her niece, I was able to visit her private salon in her home that she calls The After Hours where upon arrival I was greeted with my favorite Black-owned sparkling Rosé, candles lit, and my aunt’s breakdown of Cécred.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
But let me refocus and share my salon experience as I tried Cécred for the first time.
If You’re Wondering…Who is Cécred For?
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
When news of Beyoncé potentially launching a beauty brand hit the internet, there were a bunch of predictions of what and who the line would be marketed towards and if she’d have any wig care products as she’s known for slaying her units! But she went in a totally different direction which I love, and I’m going to tell you why. Critics have questioned if Beyoncé should be venturing into the haircare industry because she is often seen in weaves and wigs, but true Beyoncé fans know that she has healthy hair and that, like many Black women, experiments with various styles.
Cécred was created for all hair types and textures, including straight to coily, virgin, color-treated, chemically processed, and heat-styled. As a Black woman who has worn wigs, had chemically processed hair, heat-styled, natural, and color-treated hair, let me tell you, this was no easy feat! The amount of money I’ve spent on my hair through its various changes just on product alone, forget styling has been astronomical.
Cécred is serving the needs of various hair types in textures and I truly believe that this is going to make Beyoncé a true competitor in the hair industry amongst brands that are comparable such as OUAI and Olaplex. Both competitor brands have similar items at a higher price point and unlike Cécred, their products and brand messaging haven’t always felt inclusive to Black women and other hair types.
Cécred has been tested inclusively and the reviews from various hair types and backgrounds of consumers are allowing the brand to stand out.
I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line Cécred: My Honest Review
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
My hair has never felt cleaner and it shined for well over a week following the styling (but the oil should be used sparingly if like me, oil can weigh down your hair.) Immediately when my hair touched the sink, my aunt told me that she saw all the dirt and oils lifting from my hair when she applied the clarifying shampoo. As a girl who loves my curls, I am often judgy when I use any other shampoo and conditioner aside from Pattern, but not this time.
When my aunt guided my hands across my hair, she showed me how my curls weren’t tangled, and how she didn’t need to comb out my curls before applying the moisturizing deep conditioner or the deconstructing treatment mask.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
She applied each step with care and walked me through the process, and to my surprise, the hair mask wasn’t thick - but through trial and error as a natural girl, I’ve learned that a thick mask doesn’t always equal what’s best for your hair. She styled me with a silk press that left my hair with shine and I can honestly say that each step of the line is needed especially if you are someone who changes up your hair and deals with breakage. If your hair is healthy, you can opt out of the reconstructing treatment mask but I recommend taking the product line to your salon, having a discussion with your stylist on where your hair health needs improvement, and then purchasing based on that.
We know ourselves better than anyone else, but your stylist knows your hair better than you do. I like to lead with their knowledge first and then incorporate what my hair goals are. If you’re a girly who’s committed to hair health and has either the discipline to incorporate each step at home or can bring your products to the salon, Cécred is for you no matter if you’re a silk press or a wash-and-go naturalist.
Give Cécred a try, I’ll be using the line for my hair appointments until it runs out and if I see long-term results, it will be added to the beauty regimen indefinitely.
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Featured image courtesy of CÉCRED