Let me just hit you with the real—stress kills. That's not an exaggeration either. Headaches, heart disease, diabetes, obesity and even depression are all things that, not only are oftentimes brought on by stress but are also made worse when we don't get our stress levels down. That's why, the older (and prayerfully wiser) I get, the more I make sure that if there's one thing I won't let get to me, it's stress. That requires making sure that the people, places, things and even ideas that try and get me all shook up and frazzled are monitored closely. The stuff that I honestly don't have to deal with, I don't. The things that I do, I set boundaries and also monitor how much time I engage. Because nothing and/or no one is worth having a nervous breakdown over, simply because I didn't know how to manage my stress well.
In walks, the focus for this piece. If you know that you're someone who lets stress get to you, far more than it ever should, here are 10 practical ways to keep outside stresses from totally wrecking your insides. Because sis, it's really not worth it. Not at all.
1. Meditate
There's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah." (Psalm 4:4—NKJV) I like that a lot because some "super churchy folks" think that meditating isn't a "Christian" thing to do. The Bible actually shouts out meditating quite a bit (the word "meditate" is mentioned in the NKJV of the Good Book 20 times). I get why too when you factor in that mediating promotes emotional stability, reduces anxiety, lengthens your attention span, boosts your libido, helps you to breathe better and yes, reduces stress (and that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the good that meditation provides!). So, if you're someone who knows that you let outside stressors get to you, way more than you should, start off each day by meditating 15 minutes or so. Just getting calm and quiet as you deeply breathe in and out can center you in a way that nothing else can.
2. Keep a Stress Diary
OK, so where's your journal at? Today, we're gonna tackle how it can be used to combat stress. By using it to jot down the specific times and instances that caused you to feel stressed out, it can help you to better understand your triggers so that you can work towards deactivating them more effectively. Basically, what you do is, either at the beginning or end of your day, you recap the past 24 hours. Write down the date and instance that stressed you. Then rate on a scale of 1-10 how it made you feel. After that, on a scale of 1-10 again, also write down how you feel about the matter now and what you did in order to feel less upset/anxious/worried about it. If the number hasn't gone down any notches, express, on paper, why that is the case. Finally, write down some things that you think could help you to de-stress and handle the situation more effectively—both now and in the future.
If you do this consistently, not only will you probably start to see patterns that lead to your stress but you'll (hopefully) be able to come up with remedies that can help you to let go of your stress a lot quicker too. If you want to learn more about how to create a stress diary, there's a pretty thorough read about it here.
3. Honor Your Own Love Language
Over on this platform, we write about love languages quite a bit. Just as a quick review, there are (basically) five of 'em—words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and gifts. All of these define different ways that we prefer to have love expressed to us best. But have you ever thought to ask yourself if you are fluent in speaking your own love language…to yourself? For instance, the two languages that basically run neck and neck for me are words of affirmation and physical touch. Because that is the case, something that I make a point and practice to do more is hype my own self up (one way to do that is by checking out the article, "Every Woman Should Write A Love Letter To Themselves"). I also find positive quotes, I focus on maintaining a healthy body image and I sometimes even audibly tell myself what I appreciate about my uniqueness and individuality. On the physical touch tip, the route I take is giving myself scalp massages and enjoy soaking in the tub (to some 90s R&B).
And what if your love languages are one of the other three? Quality time can be about getting off of social media and/or turning off your phone so that you can binge-watch a favorite show, read or zone out to one of your favorite throwback music playlists. Acts of service can be something like creating a to-do list so that you aren't always rushing to get things done. And gifts? I am a huge advocate of setting aside money, every payday, that goes to nothing but frivolous spending.
Love languages are dope, but they are most effective when you speak them to yourself before speaking them to others. I can most definitely promise you that.
4. State Your Boundaries (CLEARLY)
Think about the last time that you were stressed out to the point of being totally pissed off. I would be floored if it didn't have something to do with someone violating your boundaries on some level. After all, it can't be—pardon the pun—stressed enough that boundaries are limits and limits are oftentimes put into place so that you're not pushed past what you can handle at any given point and time. If you're like me and you grew up in an environment where your boundaries were constantly violated and/or dismissed, you might not really understand how to create them as an adult; this is how a lot of people can end up taking advantage of you. So, one day this weekend, take a moment to think about what your limits are vs. what they should be in order for you to maintain some level of inner peace. If that's spending less time with toxic family members, so be it. If that's releasing so-called friends who are proving to be more like foes, do that (check out "10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend"). If that means moving on from your emotionally abusive boss, take that leap of faith.
In some ways, life is too short for drama. But in others, I also agree with Chris Rock when he said in the movie, I Think I Love My Wife, sometimes life can also seem really long. Yet, regardless of your personal take, who wants to spend all of their days stressed all of the time, no matter how short or long time seems to be? Personally, my life has improved, exponentially so, since I've drawn some limits on how I allow people to talk to me and/or treat me. And because of that, stress doesn't transpire nearly as much as it used to. (Hmph. Funny how that works, huh?)
5. Don’t Expect People to Be Like You
A personal lesson that has been oh so very freeing for me is getting to a point and place where I stopped expecting people to think or act like I do. Man, did I spend (and oftentimes waste) a lot of time trying to get over the shock that folks I knew wouldn't approach matters in the same way as I did. And when I wouldn't let that reality go, it really would make my blood boil and totally stress me out to no end. The thing about individuality is it means that all of us are different. That doesn't automatically mean that when someone is wired in another way that they are "bad" or "wrong"; they're just different.
A good example of this is, the last boyfriend I will ever have in this lifetime, he wasn't big on commemorating special days. Meanwhile, I'm a Gemini. If you don't get what that means, many of us tend to be on-10 about celebrating things like birthdays and anniversaries. So, while I typically took it over the top on his birthday and our anniversary, for pretty much our entire relationship, as far as how he approached my days, I was very much so less than impressed. To be fair, he was pretty good when it came to speaking my love languages, yet I still resented him for not thinking like I did on the celebratory tip. It's a part of what caused our disagreements and ultimately, what ended our relationship.
In hindsight, I get that if I had spent more time deciding if I wanted to be with someone who thought like he did rather than trying to turn him into another me, we both would've been much happier. Definitely, a huge cause of outside stress is trying to make people be you when that isn't realistic or fair. And honestly, it can lean towards the arrogant side too. Either accept folks as they are or shift the dynamic. Accepting this as being your two choices will make your life flow so much smoother.
6. Manage Your Time Wisely
If humans are getting on your very last nerve, one way to balance all of that stress out is to prioritize your time. Have a time set aside for your priorities, a time set aside to spend quality time with your family and friends, and time set aside for social media. While some people frown on creating weekly schedules, you might be surprised by how helpful it can be to wake up every day, knowing exactly what you plan to do, and what can/should be put on hold until another day. That way, if people, places, things or even ideas that aren't on your schedule try and shake your peace, you can remind yourself that if they were pertinent, they would've been on your list. Since they're not, they can wait until later. And the really great thing about the word "later" is getting to it is totally up to you.
7. Control ONLY What YOU Can Control
I'm pretty sure you've heard the phrase, "Don't sweat the small stuff". A good example of not doing that is making the choice to not try and be a control freak or worry wart out here. As someone who is a recovered control freak (for the most part, anyway), I can't tell you how freeing it has been to really accept the fact that, at the end of the day, all that I can really control is myself. No matter what or who has the potential to bother ("Gaslighting, Love Bombing & 5 Other Triggers To Call Out In Your Relationships") or trigger me (check out "How To Handle Folks Who 'Trigger' You"), they can only affect—or infect—me as much as I allow them to. Not only that but, when I've done the absolute best that I can (not based on anyone's standards but the Most High's and my own), then…what else can be done? On my end? Nothing.
If a lot of us were really real with ourselves, we'd admit that a lot of the outside stress that bothers us comes from us trying to take on what is either none of our business or is out of our hands. If you don't get anything else out of this, get that controlling self only is a superpower when it comes to no longer stressing yourself out.
8. Vent
One of the main reasons why a lot of people find themselves stressed out to the point where they almost feel like they're about to lose it is because they internalize their feelings and frustrations rather than vent them. Believe it or not, venting is actually really good for you because it helps you to release negativity, bring balance back to your mental and emotional state and, when you're doing it in a safe space (like in the presence of a friend who you fully trust), sometimes you can hear another perspective that can help to bring about clarity. The problem is, a lot of people hold stuff in so long that, when they do let everything out, it can be at the wrong place and at the wrong time.
I will admit that it requires quite a bit of self-awareness to know when you're almost at your breaking point. But try and make it a practice of getting to a place where you are totally alone to scream out your angst or hitting up a friend before snapping at work, on your kids or you're at a place that is totally inappropriate. Otherwise, all you'll be doing is adding to your stress rather than taking it away.
9. Forgive
From a biblical perspective, the Bible is quite clear. If you want God to forgive you, you must forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15). I know that can be hard for a lot of people to accept but, as I continue to learn more about this forgiveness thing, I get that accepting what the Word says on it is a humbling experience. None of us are perfect and all of us need forgiveness. And beyond that, a quote on forgiveness that comes to mind is, "Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness. Forgive them just because you deserve peace." (I think a man by the name of Jonathan Lockwood Huie said it.) And you know what? This statement is 1000 percent true.
It's been my personal experience that people who don't know how to forgive (or feel like someone doesn't deserve forgiveness) seem to struggle a lot more with true inner peace than those who do forgive others. I think it's because a lot of folks who don't, they think that forgiveness means excusing bad behavior or giving the person who hurt or harmed them a pass. No, forgiveness means that you get that humanity can disappoint, but nothing is worth holding onto pain for so long that it shakes your own mental stability and emotional space. Unforgivingness typically breeds all kinds of anger and/or sadness and/or stress and anxiety. So, release who and what has offended you so that you can get back to feeling totally tranquil and calm, within yourself, again.
Get No Less Than Six Hours of Sleep
One more. I've got a friend who is the most pleasant person you'd ever wanna know. They will give you their left thumb if you really need it. I'm not playing. But man, if they go a good three days without at least six hours of sleep, they suddenly turn into Grendel's mother (you know, from Beowulf). I'm. Not. Kidding. We're not created to be sleep deprived yet, unfortunately, reportedly, 1 in 3 of us do not get enough rest. And since sleep deprivation leads to things like irritability, lack of focus and concentration, mood swings, anxiety, weak immunity, accidents and a sucky sex life—how could you not think that poor sleeping habits wouldn't lead to you being completely stressed out?
Words can't express what a night of uninterrupted sleep can do for a person. So, if you know that stress is something that you struggle with, make getting more sleep a top priority. It's one of the most effective ways to woosah your way through life—no matter who or what has the potential to stress you…on the outside of your own mind, heart and home's walls.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
The Mecca Of Fashion: The Top Street Style Moments At Howard Homecoming
Outfits were planned, bags were packed, and cameras were ready to capture Howard University's collegiate spirit during its centennial Homecoming celebration. Not only does it hold the number one ranking as the most elite Historically Black College and University or its top performing academics, diversity of students and alumni, but the HBCU also leaves a legacy of style and grace.
The essence of effortless poise and refinement shines bright through the iconic university colors of indigo blue, red, and white. Every October, Howard University students, alumni, staff, and friends gather on the prestigious campus in Washington, D.C. to take part in time-honored traditions and events, which is Homecoming. This year's theme, “The Meccaverse,” was a week-long celebration of Howard University’s heritage, including the Homecoming football game and Bison Pep Rally, the Fashion Show, Greek Life Step Show, Homecoming Day of Service, Lavender Reception, and the iconic Yard Fest Concert.
As 2024 marked the 100th anniversary of the Howard Bison trek back to The Mecca and after two years of virtual events due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this was to be a celebration of a lifetime. We enlisted HU alumnus Sharmaine Harris, a luxury retail buyer, as she revisited her alma mater as eyes on the yard for fashion-forward outfits mixed with personal style and campus pride for the weeklong celebration.
Before we get to the looks, discover how attending Howard University impacted her career in fashion and her day-to-day style:
Credit: Sharmaine and Friends
xoNecole: Describe your personal style. Did attending Howard have any impact on developing it?
Sharmaine: Howard taught me that there’s no such thing as being TOO dressed. There’s always a reason to “put it on” and look presentable, even if it’s just for a day of classes. Standing out was celebrated and encouraged with my peers embracing the opportunity, giving me the confidence to try new styles and trends.
xoNecole: How did Howard shape your career as a luxury buyer?
Sharmaine: I studied Fashion Merchandising, through which I was fortunate to have professors who were very connected to the industry and able to give first-hand accounts of opportunities and what to expect post-college. I was also able to build a network through my peers and other Howard Alum, which has opened doors to endless possibilities both within fashion as well as daily life.
The same confidence instilled in me through my style has also been rooted deeply within me as I step into any role or project I’m faced with throughout my career.
xoNecole: This year marked Howard’s 100th-anniversary Homecoming celebration. Can you describe what the weekend looked and felt like?
Sharmaine: I’ve gone to many Howard Homecomings since graduating, but this year’s 100th anniversary felt like a huge family reunion filled with nothing but love. It was beautiful to see so many Bison return home looking great and radiating joy. It was beautiful!
xoNecole: What makes Howard fashion different from other HBCUs?
Sharmaine: Being that Howard is The Mecca, we have such a diverse population with each individual having their own spin on fashion. Getting dressed is second nature for us, but the layered confidence is our secret ingredient to make any look come together. Through that comfortability to push barriers, we have a legacy of setting trends, as indicated by the many alumni we have in the fashion and entertainment industry.
Keep scrolling for the top street style moments from The Mecca's Homecoming weekend:
Credit: Lacey Gallagher
Credit: Alan Henderson
Credit: JaLynn Davis
Credit: Dylan Davis
Credit: Caleb Smith
Credit: Kendall W.
Credit: Jordyn Finney
Credit: Vanessa Nneoma
Credit: Dr. Mariah Sankey-Thomas
Credit: Caleb MacBruce
Credit: Tiffany Battle
Credit: Teniola
Credit: Ilahi Creary
Credit: Nicolas Ryan Grant
Credit: Dylan Davis
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image courtesy of Sharmaine Harris
Message From A Mad Black Woman: Y’all Keep The Blue Bracelets, We’ll Take Our Rest.
Mere hours after the 2024 presidential election results made it clear that the United States would need to gird its loins for a second Trump presidency, a gaggle of women ran over to social media to announce that blue bracelets would serve as a new sign of solidarity. A safe space, if you will.
This declaration came about in response to Black women openly voicing their disappointment in both the election results and exit poll data that showed that not just white people, but Latinos and women of “all other races” had played a surprising role in the now President-Elect, Donald Trump’s reelection.
These exit polls quickly became the object of Black women’s attention and ultimate disappointment. Because while Black women went out and reliably voted for Vice President Kamala Harris to the tune of 91%, white women handed Trump 53% of their collective vote, Latino women 36%, and women of “other races” 46%.
On the night of November 5, 2024, Black women were left in shock. This shock would morph into disappointment, and the disappointment was a consequence of what, some would begin to argue, felt like, well, betrayal.
Like Rome, though, this heart-wrenching disappointment wasn’t built in a day.
Screenshot from "2024 Exit Polls," NBC News, accessed Nov. 12, 2024.
The Set-Up
On Sunday, July 21, President Joe Biden announced that he would not be seeking reelection - a decision that followed the disastrous one-and-done debate against former president Donald Trump, the subsequent wavering of major donors, and growing calls for a new candidate to run on the Democrat’s ticket. Hours after Biden’s announcement, Vice President Kamala Harris would send Beyoncé's internet into a frenzy by announcing that she would seek the party’s nomination.
That July night, 44,000 Black women assembled via Zoom to stress test the limits of the meeting app, break historical fundraising records, and strategize - subsequently setting into motion a series of virtual meet-ups. As a result, more Zoom meetings cropped up, bringing together attendees connected through countless combinations of backgrounds, orientations, and genders.
One said meeting was held by and for 164,000 “White Women for Kamala” who’d come together to publicly declare that they’d regretted not doing more in 2016 and were ready to use their privilege for the sake of advocacy and allyship.
A woman wearing an anti-Trump button as she listens to Democratic presidential nominee VP Kamala Harris speak at a campaign event on Oct. 18, 2024.
Bill Pugliano/Getty Images
For months, white women made it a point to convince Black women that they were on board - ensuring us that they were ready to seize their second chance at pushing back on the pillars of the patriarchy. The same group who’d failed to answer the call of rejecting Trump’s racist, sexist, and xenophobic antics before swore, for months, that they’d seen the error of their ways and were looking for redemption. The alleged fix? Betting better. Doing more. Voting differently.
While there was an understanding undertone of apprehension from Black women, the rhetoric began to lend itself to hope — with some going so far as to lift the moratorium on cookout invites. There seemed to be a collective sigh. A brief moment of unity.
The Let-Down
Little did Black women know, they were about to be played like a fiddle by the same group who, like in 2016 and 2020, were more interested in their own self-preservation than in actual change. This short-lived hope was dashed on Nov. 5 as the true nature of performative allyship became evident.
Turns out, the Black women who’d served at the helm of the movement, bless their hearts, had been bamboozled. Hoodwinked. Swindled. Like a modern-day Boo Boo the Fool. Believing the hook, line, and sinker, it was almost cute, in a tragic sort of way. They saw the potential, the hope, and the promise, drinking the red Kool-Aid, so to speak, eagerly awaiting the revolution.
The excessive blue hearts and social media commentary pledging solidarity had turned out to be performative or had over-indexed the voices of the 44% who were actually in solidarity. Either way, the seemingly overwhelming allyship wasn’t there, reminding Black women that while they are constantly expected to stand on the front lines for so many, rarely is there any ally who will actually show up for them.
A History of Short-Lived, Self-Serving Allyship
The 2024 election wasn’t the first time we’d seen this type of performative allyship, though. While a noble concept in theory, the kinds of allyship that have been displayed in many movements across The States have far too often missed the actual point. In fact, throughout U.S. history, allyship has actually been used more as a tool to bolster a single group’s positioning in the social hierarchy rather than genuinely advocating for the progression of marginalized groups.
Think back to 2020. Just months after the COVID-19 pandemic forced much of the country into isolation, remote work, the acknowledgment of essential workers as, well, essential, and, for some reason, bread-making. For 9 minutes and 29 seconds, the world watched, helplessly, as a powerless George Floyd was slowly pulled away from the world, drained by Officer Derek Chauvin's knee to his nape. In a traumatic 8 minutes and 46 seconds, the world seemingly changed.
Ira L. Black/Corbis via Getty Images
Protests quickly spread across the globe, and along with it, a wave of “allyship” swept across America. Large corporations, scrambling to answer the calls of Black employees, consumers, and investors demanding that they use their financial prowess to do more to prevent the next Floyd, almost instantly began releasing statements of solidarity, pledging donations to “racial justice” causes, and promising to promote more Black employees.
However, as quickly as these gestures showed up, most were forgotten, with almost all proving to have provided minimal impact on the groups they’d pledged to help. While some companies, like Target, increased their spending on Black-owned businesses, others faced scrutiny for their lack of substantive change.
A study by Color Of Change found that only 17% of companies that pledged donations after Floyd's death had fulfilled their commitments. Data compiled by theWashington Post found that two years after America’s 50 largest publicly traded companies pledged a collective $50 billion to racial justice causes, just 37 had disbursed a collective $1.7 billion. What’s worse?
Ninety percent of the pledged amount - or $45.2 billion - had been allocated in the form of mortgages, loans, and investments that the companies themselves would more than likely benefit from. These companies said one thing and did another and still found a way to benefit from the delta.
Performative Allyship: Civil Rights & Women’s Liberation Movements
This type of allyship is new, though. It didn’t take long for powerful groups to figure out that the simple appearance of allyship was, for the most part, good for business and the bottom line. For decades, powerful entities have publicly supported movements only to be later found to have engaged in discriminatory practices, highlighting the consistent disconnect.
During the Civil Rights Movement, companies issued statements of solidarity and even donated to civil rights organizations, but behind the scenes, they continued to segregate their workforces and refuse to hire Black employees for higher-level positions. During the Women's Liberation Movement, advertisers capitalized on the feminist moment by incorporating imagery and slogans associated with women's empowerment into their campaigns, while the underlying message of many advertisements reinforced traditional gender roles and stereotypes.
The difference between what is said and what is done has time after time exposed the shallowness of allyship, highlighting how it has mostly served as a tool for public relations rather than a genuine commitment to social justice and to the marginalized groups who are most at risk by the upholding of the status quo.
For two election cycles straight, white women posed as allies and still voted in a way that upheld the power structure that they benefit from - with many understanding that the survival of white supremacy is of more value to them than sexism and misogyny is a threat. In 2016 and 2020, 52% and 55% of white women, respectively, decided that they’d rather keep their position of second place in the social hierarchy than risk dismantling it and being forced to find a new place in society.
Latino women and women of “all of the races” followed the trend - blatantly ignoring the warnings of the same Black women who have not only been on the front lines of social justice but who are often called into the lead movements in communities that are not there own - increasing their support for Trump between 2016 and 2025 by 13% and 15% respectively.
Screenshot from "2020 Exit Polls," NBC News, accessed Nov. 12, 2024.
The Blue Bracelets are Going to Be A “No”
On the night of Nov. 5, 2024, Black women watched their country look at a qualified, experienced, capable, and willing Black woman and say, “Nah, we good.” It was on this night that a group that had been denied democratic rights for centuries, but had still attempted to rescue American democracy far too many times, only to be let down, put away the warnings, and began issuing a new declaration - they were opting out.
Black women have decided to lean into rest and recuperation - uninterested in any additional work that will, more than likely, end in disappointment and betrayal. For many Black women, the suggestion to wear blue bracelets as a symbol of solidarity is patronizing and dismissive of a greater and more complex issue. It’s a way to absolve the women who let Black women down for failing to keep promises made while simultaneously positioning the wearer as morally superior.
It fails to address the historically deep betrayal that Black women have experienced at the hands of their country and, more specifically, their own countrywomen. The request reduces the fight for equality to a simple, superficial gesture when allyship isn’t aesthetic and Black women deserve more than a symbol.
While the blue bracelets may be the new fashion choice for white women attempting to set themselves apart, to symbolize that they were on the right side of history, for many Black women, it’ll always be difficult to trust. In fact, it may serve as a symbol of a hollow and fleeting promise for the Black women who have done the tireless and thankless work for justice and equality.
For now, Black women are choosing themselves. Anywhere between a few days and the next four years should be enough time to reset and recoup. And who knows, they may even find the excess capacity means energy to train as pilots, restart forgotten yoga practices, expand the business, or earn that second Ph.D.
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Featured illustration by nadia_bormotova/Getty Images