Heal Your Feminine Energy To Reveal The Divine Being Within You
In westernized society, we have rejected so many aspects of the divine feminine and feminine energy. At this moment, women are being criminalized by their own reproductive system and women fighting for their rights are seen as vulgar, unattractive, and undesirable. We blame Jezebel without acknowledging Ahab's responsibility. The features of Black women are desirable, while actual Black women as a whole are given a hard time, and then people wonder why we are sometimes defensive. Women empowerment has been a marketable business for women who behave like mean girls in real life *sips tea*. But as you heal your feminine energy and accept your feminine power as an individual, you create healing all around you.
Everyone has divinity within them because we were made by the divine source, God.
Some of us walk in it, and some of us simply do not know how to. We try to suppress our feminine energy, thinking if we think like a man, we will get ahead in life, especially in dating; but the truth is God made women and men differently for a reason and it isn't punishment. Some of us don't really know how to honor our femininity, nonetheless, let it empower us and bring us together as Black women and embrace the fact that our femininity is unique.
We suppress our true selves and resist our true desires and measure our ability to endure pain as strength.
Despite the negativity we were taught about femininity throughout history, it actually represents abundance, growth, creativity, fertility, expansion, connection, flow, and joy. We never stop to think about the reason why the Earth is referred to as "Mother Earth" and nature as "Mother Nature", and here is a hint: it's not because she plays small. To truly unlock your power, keep reading.
How You Can Start Healing Your Wounded Feminine Energy
Identify where you are wounded because there is most likely a broken little girl inside of you.
This step is the hardest because you have to address when, how, and why you were wounded. For example, is your self-esteem wounded? If so, investigate how it got there. Were you teased by other girls because of your unique look, and now as an adult, you don't trust other women? In instances like these, or any example where other people are involved, remember that whatever pain or insecurities they incite are reflections of them, not you. Forgive them, let it go, and stop wounding yourself and others by carrying that burden with you. It's not yours to carry.
As a grown woman, you have just validated your pain while reworking your inner narrative to better serve your higher purpose. A lot of us are stuck in the heart of a little girl who may have been molested, raped, raised in an invalidating and strict household or one of neglect, etc and it shows. It is not your fault what happened to you but it's time to choose your beliefs because until you do, that little girl is going to keep on picking broken people to love, and repeating broken unhealthy patterns. Therapy, prayer, meditation, and positive affirmations do wonders at this point in the healing process.
Make taking care of yourself inside and out as essential as the air that you breathe.
Your self-care has to be as automatic as making your morning tea with a face mask on after prayer and reciting your affirmations. Your pores must ooze "I love me" and this is internal work, not external. You must eat as if you love yourself, talk as if you love yourself, love others as if you give a damn about yourself, and even if you lack in this area, you will start to vibrate higher. Love yours, all of yours, especially you in your natural state.
Make a conscious effort to find new ways to be comfortable in your skin. If you are a woman who depends on makeup and weaves to the point that you feel like a complete mess if you miss your hair appointment or leave the house bare-faced, learn how to love and take care of your hair the way it grows naturally out of your scalp and your skin without makeup. Letting your hair, your skin, and the rest of yourself breathe is essential for growth and healing. This is an act of resistance; you were divinely made and while society may want you to think you are missing something to sell you products, you have all that you need to be beautiful already Ms. Melanin. Let it pop sis!
Surround yourself with other women who have a high vibration, and other sources of feminine energy.
Hanging around dope women is how you recharge your feminine battery. The competition between women is because of the illusion of scarcity. The sooner you realize other women are not your competition, the better because we can all shine. Start surrounding yourself with women who you admire, who light up a room, and who are comfortable in their skin. When you see a woman who hates on other women and/or has little compassion for women but sings men's praise all day, pray for her and stay away from her, she is wounded.
Most of the negative feelings you may have about other women stem from a place where you are wounded and what you say about other women in malice speaks more about you than them.
Every bomb woman you run into is not going to be your friend, and that's okay. Every woman interprets their femininity differently and there is no use in policing them; instead embrace them and let them empower you to embrace yours. It helps to turn off the trap music on the way to work and listen to some female rappers/singers to help you connect with yourself. Don't you remember that vibe of making a playlist of your favorite music to listen to on your CD/cassette player? Get back to that place where you were belting out " Weak" by SWV, and vibing to "That's the Way Love Goes" by Janet Jackson and trying to repeat the tongue-twister in Missy Elliott's "Work It" while doing your cleaning in the house. Art by black women, including music and literature, were created while she was flexing her divine feminine energy in the form of creativity. Soak that up, she left it for you.
Make pleasure a core principle.
Close your eyes and masturbate to your imagination sometimes. Buy something made with your favorite textured fabric because you love how it feels against your skin. Stop by Lush or Whole Foods to splurge on some high-quality moisturizing soap. Cook a meal that is both rich and flavorful and healthy for you so you can close your eyes and really enjoy the taste. Pamper yourself at least once a week! Enjoy life and connect to your positive feelings and the glow will come from within. These types of activities help you connect back to your senses and feelings, which are some of your biggest assets.
Express yourself creatively.
This is major because as women we are natural creators, not only from the womb but from the mind. Fashion, cosmetics, hair, music, art, literature and many more forms of creativity help you express yourself and connect with others. If you usually rock your own hair, experiment with some extensions every now and then to create a new look. Add some pieces to your wardrobe that challenge your usual vibe. Be playful with your appearance sometimes! Dive back into a creative outlet that you enjoy, and you will see yourself looking to it as catharsis instead of letting frustration build inside of you. The great part is, the way you express yourself creatively most likely can convert into profit.
Abundance honey, abundance.
Learn how to get comfortable receiving.
Many of us have a hard time taking something as minute as a compliment, and then wonder why we aren't manifesting the way we want. We need to start not only being okay with receiving but to actually start expecting miracles in our lives. Women were built to receive! So many of us operate solely from our masculine energy out of necessity because we feel like we have to. In order to survive, some of us have to be aggressive, constantly on the move, highly analytical and logical.
Give yourself permission to lean back and surrender to this beautiful thing called life every once in a while because you have survived your worst days and it is time to thrive. It's time to restore balance. Get in touch with your God-given intuition and let it guide you sometimes because that's how you strengthen it. Learn how to surround yourself with people you can submit to. Be vulnerable every once in a while and show your underbelly so the people close to your heart will show you theirs.
By taking steps and educating yourself on feminine energy and how to heal yours, you will love yourself deeper, radiate love, and invite more divine masculine energy into your life. Let it flow, let it glow, and lastly thank God you're a woman!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
In Order To Evolve, I Had To Break Up With The Word 'Healing'
Looking Over My Life, I Realized I Need A Do-Over Of My Single Days
Feeling Yourself Is A Vital Step In Finding The Love Of Your Life
Featured image by GIPHY
Originally published on August 18, 2019
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New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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