

The first day of spring this year is March 20. If you're someone who hates cold weather, that's the good news. In the meantime, there are still several weeks ahead where you'll have to bear with the cold temperatures, bitter winds, and messy wet weather—things that can do a real number on your hair and skin if you're not careful. In order to make it all more tolerable, I thought it would be a good idea to offer up some really cheap and easy DIY beauty tips for you during these freezing times. Are you ready to get through the rest of the winter season?
1. Make a Water-Based Moisturizer
Does it seem like you can always write a word on your skin with your nails, no matter how much moisturizing you do? It could be that your moisturizer has the wrong kind of base. What I mean by that is some are made from oil while others are made from water. If you want to lock in as much moisture as possible, a water-based one is gonna be your best bet. Not only does a water-based moisturizer help to keep your skin moisturized longer, but it also helps it to replenish nutrients within it without clogging up pores (which could lead to breakouts) like oil-based ones can sometimes do. There are water-based moisturizers that you can buy at your local drug or department store; however, if you'd like to make your own, I found a pretty easy recipe right here.
2. Add Sugar to Your Shampoo and Honey to Your Conditioner
I don't know about y'all, but something that drives me up the wall about winter weather (and I'm actually a winter fan) is it tends to make my scalp a lot drier. Something that has helped to give me relief is putting some sugar into my shampoo. I'm dead serious. The granules of the sugar helps to exfoliate the scalp. Plus, if I use brown sugar since it's a humectant, it can help to pull more moisture from the air into my hair and scalp.
Speaking of humectants, something else that is one is honey. If you add some to your conditioner, it can make your hair extra soft, the alpha-hydroxy acids in it can also gently exfoliate your scalp and the properties in the honey can help to soothe your hair follicles and smooth out your hair's cuticles.
Also, honey has a way of adding sheen to your tresses too. How much of either? Eh. I'd say no more than two teaspoons in a full bottle is more than enough.
3. Use Dryer Sheets on Your Hair
This one might sound odd, but it really does work. Between the low humidity that winter weather can sometimes bring, along with all of the hats that many of us wear during this time of year, it's not uncommon for our hair to be more "static-y" than usual which can sometimes result in fly-aways (especially if your hair is relaxed). Something that can nip this in the bud is rubbing dryer sheets on your locks. They work because they are able to neutralize the charge in your hair. As a bonus, whatever scent the sheets are will transfer to your hair. A cool hack, indeed.
4. Switch Up Water Temperatures
Here's something that you may not have known before now. While it's pretty much a given that you should consume more water during the winter in order to stay hydrated from the inside out, did you know that the temperature that you drink is important too? The reality is that colder liquids will actually absorb much quicker into your system than ones that are hot or even room temperature. That's why, if you want to be hydrated for a longer period of time, it's best to go with the latter—especially if you're someone who spends a lot of time outdoors.
5. Bathe in Herbal Tea Bags
Question. When's the last time you took a bath in some herbal tea? If your answer is "never", you really are missing out. Tea baths can do everything from detox your skin and balance out your skin's tone to reduce inflammation and soothe psoriasis and eczema-related symptoms. During the winter season, another benefit to soaking in herbal tea is it helps to promote the rejuvenation of your skin's cells.
As a result, no matter how much the cold weather may try and wreak pure havoc on your skin, the herbs from the tea can help to keep your skin soft, protected and undamaged from the harsh weather and the UV rays from the sun.
All you need to do is put about five tea bags into a large pot of water. Bring everything to a boil and then let it steep for 20 minutes before allowing it to cool (at least to a temperature that you can stand). Then pour the tea into your bathwater and soak for another 20 minutes. If you do this twice a week, you will notice a real difference in your skin within a couple of weeks.
6. Seal Moisture in with Sweet Almond Oil
I'm all about sealing in my skin's moisture. Been doing it for years. I simply make sure to cover my body in some sort of oil, right before stepping out of the shower. I typically try and leave it on for a couple of minutes and then towel dry off. It's a great way to lock the oil into my skin so that no lotion (which really isn't the best thing for you anyway because it can clog your skin's pores and make it dull and sensitive over time) is needed.
While there are a few carrier oils that work well (avocado, rosemary and grapeseed come to mind), a personal favorite of mine is sweet almond oil. For one thing, sweet almond oil has vitamins A and E, along with essential fatty acids, proteins and zinc in it. Also, it's the kind of oil that fades scars, soothes dry hands and feet, dislodges impurities from your pores and deeply moisturizes so that your skin is soft and has a vibrant glow. If you don't do anything else on this list, do this. It's one of my favorite beauty regimens to-date. Not too many things top it.
7. Pamper Your Lips with Rose Petals and Almond Milk
Am I the only one who, no matter how much water I might drink, my lips still seem to get chapped? If you can totally relate, a hack that you might want to try is soaking some rose petals into a bowl of almond milk overnight. Rose petals are dope because they're loaded with Vitamin C (which is a powerful antioxidant) and they help your skin to retain moisture. Almond milk is great because, not only does it have antioxidants in it too, it also contains Vitamin E and magnesium—both of these are able to nourish your skin (including your lips) so deeply that chapping and chaffing are significantly decreased. Just mash the petals up the following morning and apply them onto your lips for about 10 minutes before rinsing them off. Your lips will feel silky smooth all day long.
8. Soak Your Feet in Mouthwash
When it comes to this specific DIY winter-related beauty hack, the key is to get Listerine mouthwash. Because it's so potent, the antifungal properties found in menthol and thymol that it contains can help to keep your feet smelling fresh. And if you soak those bad boys in a mixture of 1 ½ cup of Listerine, one cup of white vinegar and 2 ½ cups of warm distilled water for about 30 minutes, the combo will help to break up any stubborn dead skin that might be on your heels. All you need to do after soaking is rub your heels with a pumice stone and the dead skin should literally peel right off.
9. Pamper Your Tresses with Heavy Whipping Cream
Let me circle back to the hair for a moment. If you want a way to deep condition your hair with as little chemicals as possible, I know this might sound crazy, but you should definitely consider applying some heavy whipping cream to it. Not too long ago, I checked out a video that featured a pretty Ethiopian woman doing a tutorial that showed how to make a moisturizing hair butter out of nothing but heavy whipping cream and water and chile—it's right on up there with Chebe powder to me. It's apparently a traditional Ethiopian beauty treatment and since heavy whipping cream is full of protein, fat and lactose acid, it makes sense that it would soften the hair. Anyway, if you want to give it a shot, you can check out here video by clicking here.
10. DIY Some Cuticle Cream
Since outdoor air is colder and the indoor air is drier (because of the heat) during this time of the year, it should be no shocker that your nails are more susceptible to being brittle and breaking. That's why it's better to wear your natural nails at a shorter length and that you keep your cuticles moisturized with some cuticle cream. If you'd prefer to make your own, I found a recipe that consists of lavender and myrrh essential oils that is absolutely amazing. Lavender smells delightful, contains antifungal properties and soothes dry skin. Myrrh oil helps to fight infection, heals the skin and is loaded with antioxidants. If you apply a little bit of your DIY cream in the morning and again at night, your nails will be stronger and you'll decrease your chances of getting hangnails (which is always a bonus) too. You can get the recipe for this cuticle cream here.
11. Sleep in Shea Butter and Aloe Vera
If you're looking for a creamy kind of all-natural moisturizer that will have your skin feeling buttery smooth, you really can't go wrong with combining shea butter and 100 percent pure aloe vera. Shea butter is the fat that is taken out of the shea butter tree. It's rich in vitamins A and E, plus it has antioxidant, antibacterial, and antifungal properties in it. I can personally vouch for the fact that if you use it consistently, your skin will be really soft, your tone will even out, fine lines and wrinkles will fade, collagen production will increase and cells will regenerate.
Adding some pure aloe vera to it will give your skin a nice dose of vitamins C and E which increases skin elasticity, heals skin imperfections and hydrates your skin. Applying a half and half amount of the two to your skin every night can give your skin enough time for the combo to deeply moisturize for hours, so that your skin is as soft as ever, come morning.
12. Use Flannel Sheets
Speaking of bedtime, make sure you're sleeping on some flannel or (my personal favorite) jersey knit sheets. Not only can the warmth of them help to keep your electricity bills down but they both tend to be hypoallergenic, breathable and will help your skin to retain heat and the moisture that you add to it. Plus, they're comfortable as all get out if you prefer to sleep naked, even during the winter months. Just one more thing that can beautify your skin until the flowers start blooming and the birds begin chirps again.
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Sometimes I get asked the same question, often enough, that I’m like, “It’s time to address this on a larger platform,” — and for, whatever the reason, as of late, folks have been asking me what different sex acts mean.
No, not from the perspective of positions or techniques. What they’ve basically wanted to know is if making love, having sex, and f-cking are simply different words to describe the same thing or if there truly is something deeper with each one.
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
Back when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
A few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
And finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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