As a young girl, I can vividly remember one of my favorite uncles always greeting me with: "Hey little Black child!" To which I would smartly retort, "I'm not Black, I'm brown!" He always laughed and picked me up afterward, much to my frustration, excitement, and utter confusion. Such was the struggle of a five-year-old who had yet to come to terms with the concept of semantics. But in spite of it all, what was abundantly clear was the amount of love my uncle and I shared. In the new Blumhouse thriller Don't Let Go, starring David Oyelowo and Storm Reid, that sentiment is undoubtedly the beautiful undercurrent that steers this psychologically twisted tale.
Shown through an exhilaratingly suspenseful yet understandably confusing lens, what stands out most of all in this film is the loving yet nuanced dynamics of family. This is a theme Oyelowo admits he was extremely drawn to from the beginning. "I was very just blown away by how much the script packed in. The action, the time travel, the suspense," the Selma star tells xoNecole during our midday chat. "And then in the middle of all of it, is this beautiful and unconventional relationship between an uncle and his niece. And this sort of heart-thumping question of, 'Is he going to be able to save her?' I was just really taken with it."
In Don't Let Go, the 43-year-old Nigerian English American stars as Detective Jack Radcliff, who gets a shocking phone call from his recently murdered niece Ashley (played by the "emotionally mature and very special" Reid). Working together across time, they race to solve and prevent her murder before it can happen.
In this xoChat, we talk exclusively with the Golden Globe nominee about his latest project, being a father of four, and why self-sacrifice is paramount in marriage.
xoNecole: This movie deals a lot with not taking things at face value, without giving too much away. Was there ever a point in time where you walked into a situation and it turned out to be the total opposite of what you were expecting?
David Oyelowo: Oh gosh, I mean you know the adage: don't judge a book by its cover. I think it's very apt. You know, everyday we make judgements based on what's in front of us. And I can tell you for a fact that if someone I love and lost suddenly called and told me they were calling from a different time plane--I would definitely be skeptical and that's what was fun to play in the film. You're watching this character do what I definitely would do and I think most people would do. Where we get to say, "Am I going crazy? What is this? Is someone trying to trick me, is this a prank? Oh my goodness maybe this is real. It is real. How am I going to tell everyone? They're going to think im crazy" (laughs). You know, I just loved that I got to play the reality of that instead of just the fantasy
Lacey Terrell/Universal Pictures
Definitely. This movie also touches on the importance of time and choice in probably a more nuanced way than a lot of other films. And seizing the small moments in our day to day lives. Particularly in the film, Uncle Jack and his niece have these seemingly nonchalant conversations but we soon learn that we should’ve all been paying a bit more attention.
100 percent. You're alluding to a scene where she calls me and I'm busy and as you say, I don't pay her the right amount of attention. I do think the film is about not taking anything for granted. You know, treasuring those relationships. And in the case of my character, what someone would then be prepared to do once they realize how painful it is to lose someone you love and what you're prepared to do to get them back.
Lacey Terrell/Universal Pictures
"I do think the film is about not taking anything for granted. You know, treasuring those relationships. And in the case of my character, what someone would then be prepared to do once they realize how painful it is to lose someone you love and what you're prepared to do to get them back."
If you could go back in time and alter an important event in your life, whether good or bad, would you and why?
There were definitely some fashion decisions I made in my day probably in the 90s, particularly. My kids really enjoy making fun of me thanks to the photographic evidence. I did have a Marky Mark, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air phase. Those photographs are devastating (laughs). So yeah.
You know what? I would LOVE to see those.
You will NEVER see it (laughs). Just picture a high top and every opportunity to show off my Calvin Klein underwear possible. That's basically what that one was.
I’m disappointed but that’s actually hilarious to hear. So besides fashion choices, what would you say is the biggest difference between the David at the beginning of your career and the David now?
Oh my goodness, that's a good question. The David now very much recognizes that you have got to really just enjoy the journey and be less focused on the results. I think earlier on in my career, it was all about box office, and the reviews, and accolades, you know--tangible evidence of success. But there's no way of predicting how any project you do is going to come out. And sometimes there are mitigating factors that you just can't control. In fact, ALL the time there are mitigating factors you can't control. And I have in the past allowed those things that I can't control rob me of the joy and achievement of just getting to be in things and tell stories.
Sometimes in the moment you don't recognize that, especially [in] films and television shows. So you know, I have grown into the knowledge of: just do the work, enjoy the journey, and then just trust that that work will eventually be seen and appreciated.
"In the past allowed those things that I can't control rob me of the joy and achievement of just getting to be in things and tell stories... Sometimes in the moment you don't recognize that. So, I have grown into the knowledge of: just do the work, enjoy the journey, and then just trust that that work will eventually be seen and appreciated."
I want to switch gears a bit now. There's often a lot of talk about millennials in particular: what we do right, what we do wrong, what we don't know, what we think we know...
Mm-hmm. Right.
So I’m curious, what do you think millennials get wrong or right about their perception of love and family?
I think there's a notion that independence is the absolute epitome of self-realization. I actually feel people are designed to be dependent on each other. And I think this striving for independence is why you have so many lonely people. It's why "commitment" has become almost a swear word, if you will. Because there is this notion with the younger people--and I don't know what we've done in terms of society--but there's this notion that empowerment, true femininity and masculinity is tied to being able to be self-reliant entirely.
And anyone who's lived on a deserted island for a week will tell you: I just don't think we're designed to be alone (laughs). I think we're designed to rely upon each other. I think we're designed to be vulnerable with each other. And I truly do believe that we are, we are designed to love in a way that is not just about what I can take, whether it be sexually or financially or, or emotionally. But to give, I think giving is the height of who we are. And that is also something that is in short supply these days.
Lacey Terrell/Universal Pictures
"There's a notion that independence is the absolute epitome of self-realization. I actually feel people are designed to be dependent on each other. And I think this striving for independence is why you have so many lonely people. It's why 'commitment' has become almost a swear word if you will... There's this notion that empowerment, true femininity and masculinity is tied to being able to be self-reliant entirely."
What’s the biggest misconception you feel people in general have when it comes to the conversation of love, marriage, and family?
Well, I think something missing in terms of both love and family is just how important family is. There are real challenges to the--and I don't really like calling it an institution--but to the beauty of marriage. I've been married 21 years next month and my parents were married before my mom passed away, for all of their adult lives. And I know there are reasons why people end up breaking up and all of that, but I feel like in society now, I don't know that we work as hard as we should to stay together. I think that there's a misconception that love should always feel like butterflies and be romantic. But there's an element to love that is work. There is an element that is pure self-sacrifice without the desire to get anything back in return.
And if two people are doing that to each other: then you are loving and being loved at the same time. So, I think that the sheer amount of work that needs to go into keeping your family together and keeping a marriage together is something that we're losing as a skill.
Lacey Terrell/Universal Pictures
"I think that there's a misconception that love should always feel like butterflies and be romantic. But there's an element to love that is work. There is an element that is pure self-sacrifice without the desire to get anything back in return. And if two people are doing that to each other: then you are loving and being loved at the same time."
I know you yourself are married as well. When did you know that you were ready to put in that work to give and receive love? You know, where you knew that this was something you were fully capable of doing.
My dad didn't get married until he was quite a bit older. He was 40 when he got married. And my dad's my hero. So, I just assumed that, you don't get married to you're later in life. But then at the age of 19, I met this amazing girl who was 17, and we became friends. And before I knew it--I had fallen in love. And I was shocked by this because I always had in my head that being with someone for life is something that wasn't going to happen until later. I don't know, there was just something about her.
But the moment I realized I was in love and couldn't do without the lady I'm now married to, was when I literally couldn't picture my life without her in it. And that was the moment beyond which I thought, 'Okay, I guess this is my forever person.' It was that revelation that made me feel brave enough to jump in.
That’s beautiful. And so what do you know now about love or family that you didn't know before?
What I know now about love and family-- I'll relate this to my kids. If you have more than one child, what I know about family and what I know about children is that they are all different. You can't apply all of the same parenting methods to one child as you do another. You have to get to know them. I think it's good to have core values, but you have to adapt to your child's needs. And I have three sons and a girl; each and every one of them are different and it has been imperative to respond to who they are as people as opposed to a blanket approach to all of them.
Last question before you go: at this point in your life, what are you most grateful for?
I am most grateful for my faith. You know, I'm a Christian and that has been a bedrock for me since I was 16. And it's been such a relief and a release to know that I am loved by God. That my salvation is secure in Christ and that in this life--I don't have to strive because I already have the greatest reward anyone could ever have: which is God's love. That's just something that releases me from so much of the things I think I would have been preoccupied with if I didn't have that revelation.
You can catch David in Don't Let Go, in theaters everywhere now. And be sure to keep up with him by following him on Instagram.
Featured image by Getty Images
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A Goddard College graduate, who earned an MFA from Pratt Institute and was awarded an honorary doctorate from Marymount Manhattan College, Mahogany offers unapologetic realness with a side of grace and empowerment. "I started touring locally. I started creating chat books so that those poems will go in the hands of the people who were sitting in the rooms," she shared.
"And then I started facilitating poetry workshops, so I used my chat books as curriculum. And that, in turn, allowed me to further invest in my art and show the community and people who were hiring me that it wasn't just a one-off, that it's not just, you know, a fly by night—that I am invested in this art as much as I am invested in your community, in your children's learning, in our growth."
Mahogany has a special way of moving audiences, and her superpower sparks shifts in perspective, post-performance introspection, and strengthening of community bonds, especially among Black women. (One can undeniably recognize her gift for arousal of the spirit and mind merely from her listening to her insights from the other side of a Google Hangout call. I can only imagine the soul-stirring, top-tier sensory encounter when watching her perform in person.)
In this chat with xoNecole, Mahogany reflects on sustaining a creative career, the aftermath of writing a banned book, and using poetry for both healing, community-building, and activism.
Anthony Artis
xoNecole: What are three key things that have laid the foundation for a sustainable creative career for you?
Mahogany L Browne: What has helped me is that I'm willing to go in being an expert at knowing poetry and knowing the way in which art can change the landscape of our lives, not just as a poet, but also as a poetry facilitator. How you move through classes, those things are mastered, right? So when I go into another space that's maybe tech-heavy, I don't mind learning and being, you know, a student of the wonder of how we can make this magic, work together.
Two, you’ve got to know how to pivot. Sometimes we say, ‘Alright, this is what my life is going to be. I'm going to be a New York Times best-selling author. I'm going to, you know, have an album that's Grammy-nominated. And then, say you get dropped from your record label. That doesn't mean you can't make an album anymore. You can also still create an album that can be submitted to the Grammys. So, what does a pivot look like as an artist who doesn't have an institution behind them? Pivot being a student of the wonder.
Relationships also really help. How do I serve the community? And in turn, that tells me how the community can show up. For me, I have long-standing ties with a community that will outlast my one life. So, what does it mean to create space where these relationships can develop, can be nurtured, can be rooted, can be cultivated? Creating space—it happens through relationships.
xoN: With today’s economic challenges, what does your current creative process look like, and what are you working on?
MB: I’m always thinking five years ahead. I just reviewed the pages for two children’s books and recently released a YA novel. I’m drafting an adult fiction manuscript now.
Anything I create is founded with the root of poetry, but it can exist in captions. It can exist in commercials. It can exist as a musical. So that's where I’m at now.
xoN: You started performing "Black Girl Magic" in 2013, had an acclaimed performance of it via PBS and the work went on to viral success shortly after. Talk more about the inspiration. And what do you think about the continued relevance more than a decade later?
MB: I wrote it as a rally cry for the mothers who had been keeping themselves truly in harm's way by, you know, being a part of the community right after the death of their child or their loved one. They are usually mothers of victims of police brutality—and just seeing how they showed up in these community spaces, they are devout to the cause but obviously still grieving.
"I wanted this poem to be just a space of reclamation, of joy and of you, of your light, of your shine, of your brilliance, in any which way in which you fashion. Every room you enter is the room you deserve to be in. What does it mean to have a poem like that that exists?"
And the first time I did the poem, the Weeping that occurred, right? It was like this blood-letting of sorts. The next time I performed it, I'm moved to tears because I'm seeing how it's affecting other women who have just been waiting to hear, ‘You belong. You deserve. You are good. We see you. Thank you, despite everything that they said to make you regret being born in this beautiful brown, dark-skinned, light-skinned, but Black body.’
Black women are the backbone—period. Point blank. And so, that that poem became a necessity, not just to the fortitude of Black women in the community, but like you know, in service of healing the Black women.
xoN: One of your books was banned at a school in Boston, and it was later reinstated due to parental and activist support. What was that experience like?
MB: Well, I think it happened because they were racist. That's it. Point blank. The reversal of it was empowering, right? I realized, oh, I thought we just had to sit here and be on a banned book list. But no, parents are actually the leaders of this charge.
So to see that, the parents said, ‘Nah, we're not gonna let you take this book out of my baby’s school just because it's a Black kid on the front saying, ‘Woke’ and they're talking about being a global citizen. They're talking about accountability. They're talking about accessibility. They're talking about allyship, and you don't want them to have compassion or empathy or have even an understanding, right? So no, we rebuke that, and we want this book here anyway.’ To see that happen in that way. I was, like, reaffirmed. Absolutely.
xoN: You recently organized the Black Girl Magic Ball at the Lincoln Center in New York. Honorees included author and entrepreneur Rachel Cargle and National Black Theater CEO Sade Lythcott. What impact did it have and what expanded legacy do you hope to leave with your creative works?
MB: I was really interested in not celebrating just the book, but celebrating the community that made the book possible. And so I gave out five awards to women doing that thing, like, what does it mean to be a Black girl in this world?
I just thought it was gonna be an amazing time. Everybody's gonna dress up—we're gonna celebrate each other. And boom, I then realized that it responded to like a gaping hole. There was a missing thing for Black girls of all walks of life, all ages, right?
"It's very intergenerational. That was intentional to come together and celebrate just being us."
You have all these instances where just being you is either the butt of a joke or it's diminished and not worthy of a specific title in these larger institutions. So what does it mean to just to be loved up on and celebrated?
It felt like a self-care project at first. You know, for the first couple of years, folks were coming and they were getting that sisterhood. They were getting that tribe work that they were missing in their everyday lives.
I love the Black Girl Magic Ball because we got us. If I go out with a bang, they'll remember that Mahogany worked her a** off to make sure all the Black girls everywhere knew that she was the light. We are the blueprint.
For more information on Mahogany L. Browne, her work, and her future projects, visit her website or follow her on IG @mobrowne.
Featured image by Anthony Artis
Fast forward to today — le sigh — and while the tradition isn’t really upheld anymore, in my opinion, perhaps it should be. I say that because, did you know that, when it comes to wedding night copulation, less than 40 percent of couples make that a priority these days?
And while, on the surface, that might not seem that much of a big deal, if you sit tight, I’m going to explain to you why, as a marriage life coach for over 20 years at this point, I 1000 percent believe that it is — a much bigger deal than many people would ever imagine.
Keeping yichud in mind, let me first take a moment to break down why you should consummate your marriage as soon as possible following your wedding; then I will follow that up with providing a few hacks to make sure that you have the mind, body, and spirit to actually do so.
Remember What “Consummate” Means
GiphyLet’s start off with what the word “consummate” actually means. You know, the same way that it irritates me when people who are dating say that they are monogamous instead of exclusive (check out “Why I Use The Word 'Monogamous' In Marriage And 'Exclusive' In Dating”), it also low-key irritates me when unmarried people who have sex for the first time say that they “consummated” their relationship. Why? Because consummate has specific meanings, and that ain’t one of them.
To consummate actually means “to complete (the union of a marriage) by the first marital sexual intercourse.” Back in ancient Jewish times, this was a really big deal because, more times than not, the couple was having sex for the very first time with one another (oftentimes, it was their first time being alone together as well).
These days, it’s been reported that only 10 percent of men and seven percent of women between the ages of 22-34 are still virgins; however, even if you’re not a virgin and shoot, even if your wedding night isn’t the first time that you’re having sex with your partner, the word “consummate” still applies because it’s the first time that you will be having sex with him as your husband and you as his wife — which is still a different kind of intimacy (check out “10 Wives Tell Me What They Wish They Knew About 'Married Sex'”).
I say that because…do you know what else consummate means? It means “to complete (an arrangement, agreement, or the like) by a pledge or the signing of a contract” and “to bring to a state of perfection; fulfill.” In other words, saying your vows isn’t what fully completes your wedding day — consummating your marriage is.
Let’s keep going…
Prioritize “Completion”
GiphyOkay, so by the literal definitions of consummate, a husband and a wife complete their union of marriage by having sex. By doing that, it brings their new kind of relationship into a state of perfection and fulfillment. It also makes their formal marriage arrangement complete. That is how important consummating your marital union is — so, why in the world would you not want to prioritize that?
Especially when you stop to think about the fact that complete means things like “having all parts or elements; lacking nothing; whole; entire; full”, “finished; ended; concluded,” “having all the required or customary characteristics, skills, or the like; consummate; perfect in kind or quality.” Hmph. Looks to me like the wedding vows, the exchanging of rings, the jumping of brooms, the reception — none of this results in a marriage getting into a state of “lacking nothing” or the day being “finished” or the marital relationship “having all of the required and customary characteristics” like SEX does.
That’s how essential it’s supposed to be seen and treated in a marital relationship (sexless couples, please remember that and also check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important “ and “How 10 Couples Reignited Their Sex Lives After Facing A Sexless Marriage” ). And THIS is why it’s so unfortunate that 60 percent of couples don’t see it this way.
Honestly, I’d venture to say that it’s because most haven’t even thought about how paramount the word “consummate” actually is and yet, again, as a marriage life coach (and someone who speaks on marital covenant A LOT), it’s my job to make sure to put as many engaged couples (or folks who want to be married someday) on notice — because if you can make sure that you take your wedding pictures, that you dance at your reception and that you hug the folks who you haven’t seen in years…you can certainly make time to PERFECT YOUR UNION with your spouse.
Hmph, let me tell it, if you do that on your wedding night, it will remind you to prioritize it during the rest of your marriage. It’s a foundational principle that deserves high respect and much consideration. And what if you’re like, “I hear you, Shellie, but I always hear that people are usually too tired for sex on their wedding night”? You know a saying that gets on my nerves and yet here, it does somewhat apply: “If you wanted to, you would” — and I believe that if you take the word “consummate” literally and seriously, you will make a way, no matter what. I do have a few tips to help you out, though.
Get Rest the Night Before
GiphyHands down, the two top reasons for why couples don’t have sex on their wedding night are either because they were too tired or they were too drunk. I’ll hit the drunk thing in a moment; however, when it comes to the tired thing — listen, I get it. Fewer days are going to be longer and take more out of you than your wedding day will. I will say this, though: the couples I know who waited until their wedding night, they somehow found the energy (because they had something new to look forward to) which means that, again, what is important to us, we certainly will make time for — and it’s important to see sex, in marriage, as not just a fun activity but a supernatural mental, emotional and spiritual bond:
"There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, 'The two become one.'" (I Corinthians 6:16 — Message)
That’s why it’s so important to, instead of staying up all night giggling and cackling with your friends the night before your nuptials, that you actually get some rest. Also, even though I know you want to avoid any bulge and bloat that you can, make sure that you at least snack on some fruit while getting ready the next day. Both of these things will help to give you fuel in order to get through the day — and night. So will one more thing…but let me tackle being drunkety-drunk-drunk matter first.
Toast. Don’t Get Drunk, Though.
GiphyA wedding reception is one big party that is being thrown in your and your beloved’s honor, and you should take in every moment of it. That doesn’t mean that you need to toss back multiple tequila shots and participate in every toast at every table, though. Listen, it’s no secret that having too much alcohol in one’s system can affect a man’s stamina (and not in a good way) and can have your sex drive on a roller coaster ride (also not in a good way), not to mention that it could cause you to pass right on out.
So, in the spirit of completing your marriage (again, literally) — how about sipping on champagne during the formal toasts and leaving it at that? After all, you’ve got bigger matters to celebrate…later on.
Don’t Be the Last One to Leave Your Reception
GiphyThere are two weddings that I remember attending in my lifetime where the husband and wife honestly couldn’t care less about their reception. LOL. During one wedding, the couple basically ate the cake and did the bouquet and garter toss all at once; hell, I don’t even remember them eating anything. I was actually in the wedding party and didn’t get to say “goodbye” either. They were outta there. Another couple? They didn’t show up to the reception at all! They actually recorded a video that ran during it where the husband said, “I know what salmon tastes like. I’m trying to figure some other things out.”
Meanwhile, another wedding that I went to where the couple lived together prior to their wedding day? Since the wedding and reception were at a plush hotel, many of their guests were staying at the same spot. So, after the couple shut down the reception, they then went hotel room hopping until wee hours of the morning. When I asked them what in the world they were doing, the bride literally said, “Girl, we’ve lived together for years. We can have sex any time.”
See what I mean? See what happens when you don’t fully grasp how important consummating your marriage is? It’s not “just sex” anymore — it’s perfecting some things. So yeah, definitely don’t be the last two people to leave your wedding reception, especially if you sense that you are starting to run on fumes. You need to do something more important than being the last people on the dance floor — and you already know what that thing is.
Book Your Honeymoon Flight for Later in the Day (or the Following One)
GiphyAnother reason why many couples don’t consummate their marriage on their wedding night is because they are rushing to go to bed so that they can catch their honeymoon flight. For this, honestly, it’s wiser to wait until the evening of the following day, if not the day after that. Not only will that give you time to “complete” your union, but afterwards, you can get a lot of the rest that you crave.
I’m telling you — if there is one thing that far too many couples do when it comes to their after-the-ceremony plans, it’s put unnecessary pressure on themselves by putting together a super strict schedule that they really don’t need. You’re married now, and whatever location you’re going to isn’t going anywhere. RELAX. HAVE SOME SEX. RINSE. REPEAT. THEN LEAVE.
Keep Your Expectations Realistic
GiphyOkay, one more thing about the whole “it’s important to consummate” point, and then I’ll be out of y’all’s hair. It actually circles back to the yichud tradition that I mentioned in the intro. Remember how I said that Jewish couples were left alone for 18 minutes? Well, in some of my other sex-themed content, I’ve shared that many couples are more than fine with intercourse lasting somewhere between 7 and 13 minutes.
My point? Listen, nowhere in this article did I say that y’all had to have 90s R&B sex the first time that the two of you come together as husband and wife. I simply said that you need to consummate the relationship, and I’m pretty sure that you both can muster up at least 10 minutes to make that happen. All of the “all night long” stuff — yeah, do that on your honeymoon. However, making sure that “oneness” transpires, so that the perfection of your union is established? That needs to happen as soon as possible.
____
An author by the name of Abhijit Naskar once said, “Sex is not just about going in or letting in, it is really about welcoming your dearly beloved into the deepest regions of your psyche, which are inaccessible to anybody else.” Truer words could not have been said than when it comes to a husband and wife.
Sex ain’t “just sex” in a marriage, y’all. It’s far more than that.
Consummate that thing. Down the pike, you’ll be oh so glad that you did.
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Featured image by Giphy