Relocating & Dating In A Non-Diverse City Has Me Feeling Like Beyoncé
Two percent. No, not the milk. Not my phone battery, but the percentage of black people in Salt Lake City, Utah where I'm currently working. Two percent is like two pennies out of a dollar. What can you buy with two pennies? Nothing. It might as well be zero.
According to a report from The United States Census Bureau, millennials accounted for over 40% of all movers between 2007 and 2012, despite making up less than a quarter of the U.S. population. We're moving for work at unprecedented rates, and sometimes, these jobs take us across the country.
When I first accepted my offer in Salt Lake City, my friends were horrified. What's in Utah... There's no men… You're going to become a sister wife! You name it; I've heard it. Months later, and I'm still getting roasted. While Salt Lake certainly isn't NYC by any means, I welcome the change of pace with open arms and enjoy seeing all the extra zeros in my bank account – for now.
Sometimes, you need a change to truly reflect on what you want and where you want to go.
So, if black people only make up 2% of the population, imagine my surprise when men – black men – kept appearing at every corner. Let me preface this by saying that I am not a dating advice extraordinaire, nor am I going out of my way to meet people, but I don't think I've ever received this much attention in my life. My first week in the city, a man literally pulled over his SUV to ask me where I was from and if I wanted to go on a date. He apologized for his forthrightness but explained how few black women he crosses paths with.
Beyond being scared for my life (I watch Criminal Minds, don't play), I was S-H-O-O-K. Coffee shops, convenience stores, CHURCH, young, old, tall, short, diverse nationalities… I keep getting asked out.
They move different.
I find the attention more humorous than anything, but after living in NYC and DC, I can't help but reflect on how completely different the dynamics are. In major cities, the perception is that there are new prospects everywhere, given the huge population. More people, less serious, temporary, casual — you could go on a different date with a different person every day if you wanted to, especially in the Age of Dating Apps. While I know several couples who met in major urban hubs, I know even more ladies who rant about how impossible it is to date seriously in an environment that values quantity. Or that major cities are so big that it's hard to meet people organically outside of work (risky) and bars (ehhh).
On the flip side, in smaller, less diverse cities like Salt Lake City, there is a pronounced scarcity. Don't get me wrong, I have several grievances with the city (no black hair stylists, they think Usher's "Let It Burn" is still in the Top 100, the grocery stores don't sell wine… I can keep going.) But, I wasn't expecting the forwardness that comes with the race and gender imbalance. Gone are the moments of: "Is he interested?" "Should I say something?" "Will he call?" Within one date, they're talking about their interest and intentions, which certainly feels more directed and less "casual" in comparison to the other cities I've lived in. From one extreme to another. Take that as you will.
While attention certainly does not reflect shared interest and mutual attraction nor is my experience representative of all black women in Utah, I feel like Beyonce! Even though I spend the majority of my evenings binge-watching shows on Netflix, it's nice to feel like a snack every once in a while.
I have found that relationships in general take on a more important role when moving to a less diverse city. Building friendships and finding "your community" amidst a population where most of the people may not look like you no longer feels optional, but mandatory. Outside of work, if you are not, you're significantly less likely to organically build a support network, which is necessary on those rainy days when you just want to rant about your failed twist-out or reminisce about your life before you moved to the middle of nowhere.
If having a social life and community building are important to you, actually consider putting effort into it. Attend company affinity network events, seek out young professional social mixers, reach out to college alumni at your firm, and use social media resources – don't isolate yourself.
Featured image by Getty Images
Lydia is a recent Ivy League graduate who is passionate about using her voice to enact change in minority and female communities. Dubbed the "Intern Queen," she has worked 8+ internships in diverse industries, including Wall Street firms and the Obama White House, and is now bringing her career and lifestyle tips to you! Meet Lydia on Instagram @queen_of_anglin and Twitter @its_lit_dia.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images