OK, so here's a fun fact. If any of you caught the piece that I wrote about turning 45 a couple of months ago, you might recall the part where it said that I've been out of church as long as I've been abstinent (which is almost 13 years now). This doesn't mean that I'm "anti-church"; it just means that my journey is different. It's as simple and as layered as that. Anyway, before I made my transition out, the last official pastor that I had was a man by the name of Calvin Roberson. If his name rings a bell to you, it may be because he is currently known as "Pastor Cal" on Lifetime's Married at First Sight (life is a trip, ain't it?).
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Sometimes, it really does trip me out that he's on there, so the combination of him being an expert and the social experiment approach of the show overall, will sometimes pull me in to check out an episode. Recently, I caught one where Calvin—sorry, Pastor Cal—was talking to a guy by the name of Greg (who actually seems to be really cool) about how things were progressing with his new wife, Deonna. As Greg was in the midst of expressing the belief that he felt that he could someday "fall in love" with her, Pastor Cal interjected and said, "I don't believe people 'fall in love'; you grow in love." Hmph. That goes right in line with a quote by Albert Einstein that is on the front of one of my shirts—"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
I chuckled to myself when I reflected on the fact that clearly Pastor Cal—oh, and Mr. Einstein—are not big fans of the phrase "fall in love". The reason why that stood out is because I aggressively purse my lips whenever I hear people use "make love" to define the act of sex. Chile, I know some people who don't even know their partner's middle name or sexual health status who say they "make love" to them. Honestly, I think them playing that phrase on repeat can cause it to go into their psyche and result in them ultimately becoming disillusioned by their partner and by sex. Sex is and does a lot of things. The oxytocin that's in it even helps you to feel closer to your partner (it's scientifically proven). But assuming that giving somebody some is gonna make them love you…to fall in love with you? If you really and truly believe that, I believe, with everything in me, that you are in for quite the emotional roller coaster ride; one that I'm pretty sure will cause all sorts of emotion sickness. No doubt about it, turned out and in love are not synonymous. I promise you that.
So, why is it that so many people subscribe to the mindset that love is something that we fall into, sex is something that makes love transpire and/or that the love experience, overall, is something that we cannot control? I blame Disney. And Hollyweird. And Barbie and Ken dolls. And us listening to love songs while we sleep. And so much of church leadership—including the married couples in them—trying to act like they are perfect when they are anything but. And us listening to our friends more than our mentors. And many of our parents not being forthcoming about how they gave their virginity away (because no one "loses" it; we all know where our virginity went), their first love experience and what made them choose one another to make us with.
Facades. Fantasies. Straight-up lies. They all play a role in what has caused so many of us to believe that love is purely emotional (as if it has no logic or common sense attached to it); that we couldn't do anything about how we feel if we tried (and really, how many of us actually do try?).
Am I saying that we can control basic level attraction or interest? It depends on what you mean by "control". I see people—not all of the time but fairly enough—who I wink at (in my head). But as far as feeding into that attraction or interest? I can control that. I can decide if I want to approach them or not. Or, if we happen to strike up a conversation, I can control if I want them to be able to reach me after that exchange. The initial appeal doesn't have me so seduced that I can't think straight.
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Or, if I go on a date with someone. I am a huge supporter of knowing what you want and what you don't want before going out with someone. I also believe that the first and second dates can help you figure out if an individual fits the bill or not (which is why I'm not an advocate of movie-going on the first couple of outings). No matter how much chemistry a guy and I may have, no matter how much charm he may turn on, since I know I'm interested in something long-term, and since I also I know at this point what will complement my life (or not), I can control how much time, effort and energy that I will pour into "him".
So, if I can control what to do with surface level attraction and even the beginning stages of a dating dynamic, why can't I control who I love? I can. And should. And do. Love comes after these things. What I do on the front end determines if I come to love someone. Or not.
There is an author by the name of Michael R. French who once said, "Falling in love is more than infatuation. It is the need to feel whole, to feel safe, to be healed, to join together with someone, heart and soul." If this resonates with you, on any level, then there is some part of you who believes that you can indeed control who you love as well. Why do I say that? Because if love to you is more than "foolish or all-absorbing passion" (which is what infatuation is), if you honor the purpose and power of love in your life and the life of those around you, if you do indeed believe that the Most High is the Source of Love ("God is love"—I John 4:7-16)—then love is so much more than a feeling.
Attraction and interest may ignite something within you, but in order to feel whole, safe and healed—that takes time. That requires commitment. That means you have to choose to remain in the presence and company of someone long enough to determine if you love them…and if they love you. And it's within that choice—a daily series of choices, actually—that you are able to utilize your control.
That's why, whenever folks tell me that they can't control who they love, they get the total and complete eye roll. To me, it sounds like a scapegoat approach to whatever decisions they are about to make (or are currently making). I'll cheat on my spouse because I can't control who I love. I will stay in a relationship that is totally beneath me because I can't control who I love. I'll make all sorts of reckless and irresponsible decisions that will put my heart and body in jeopardy because I can't control who I love. To believe that, to really and truly believe that, it is a total affront to love itself.
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Love—real, genuine and pure love—has a divine calling. It is designed to cultivate you into your best self. It is totally devoted to protecting and nurturing you. It is not just physical but spiritual; not just something that makes us feel good, but something that matures us as well.
And here's the irony to all of this. When we love ourselves, we know that we can control who we love, because self-love teaches us how to. Self-love sends us red flags. Self-love reminds us that if our mind, body and soul are not in sync, something is unhealthy and imbalanced. Self-love ushers us into a knowing that if what I'm feeling doesn't teach me how to be greater than who I was before the feeling came along, no matter how subtle it may be, something counterfeit is transpiring. Self-love gives us the assurance of this because it echoes, on repeat, that love loves you and me too much to bring hurt, harm or danger our way. In fact, real love repels those things.
So, yes. I am firmly opposed to the belief that we can't control who we love because love is a choice. No matter what our eyes, hormones or innate desires may beckon us to give into, should we choose to move past initial attraction and interest, love tell us that we determine if we want to move forward or to totally pump the breaks. It expresses that because love is so powerful, sacred and purpose-filled, our temperance, intellect and acumen definitely get a vote on who we decide to love. All we need to do is give them a voice—and a vote.
So, if someone were to walk up to me right now and ask me, "Can you control who you love?" I would nod my head to convey an emphatic yes. So should you.
Love doesn't force itself upon you. It gives you permission to love who you want to love.
Now that you know this, please choose—to love—wisely.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again
Are You In Love Or Are You In Need?
If You're Not In Love With Being Single, Ask Yourself These 6 Questions
How To Own The Power Of Your Single Season
Feature image by Shutterstock
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- Is Falling In Love A Choice? We Asked Relationship Experts ... ›
- You Can't Control Who You Fall in Love With - ACW ›
- We Don't Choose Who We're Attracted To, But We Can Choose Who ... ›
- It's Actual Chemistry: How We Choose The People We Fall In Love ... ›
- Can We Choose Who *Not* to Love? | Psychology Today ›
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A big part of the clarity that is coming through this month is due to Neptune going direct in Pisces on December 10, after being retrograde here since July. With Neptune now direct, we are able to see our inspiration and creativity a little more clearly, providing the perfect energy for dreams and manifestation to be built upon. The smoke is clearing, and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with this newfound clarity that this transit is bringing. Mercury also moves back into Sagittarius on December 11, which is great for communication and clarity, and the adventures you were trying to see through at the beginning of November come around for you again with greater purpose and support.
On December 15, Mars enters Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and this is the extra push we need to make important changes and to be on the path towards greater abundance, stability, and prosperity. Mars in Capricorn takes care of business, and we have extra energy at our disposal during this time to do so. This transit is an ideal time to focus on your career or financial goals for next year and to start putting some of these plans into motion now. A few days later, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be in Sagittarius on December 19, and this is the perfect New Moon to manifest.
The energy is high, magic is in the air, and it’s all about moving forward with the new beginnings that are inspiring you and bringing you joy to think about right now.
Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21, and this earth sign energy is how we heal, gain closure, and build new foundations in our world. With Venus also moving into a Capricorn a few days later, there is something about peace, prosperity, and security that we are gaining in life and in love as we close out the year, and this is what we need right now. This month is about reflecting on what was, letting go of old hurt, and renewing. December is an ending and a new beginning in one, and there is magic in this space to be created.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
