Black Women On The Soft Life Routines They're Unapologetically Cultivating
Ease. Peace. Restoration. Preservation. Most of us have probably seen the #softlife hashtag trending or the caption “soft life era” making its way to our feeds on various social media platforms. But what does having a soft life really mean? Despite the way that struggle and hardship are sometimes placed on a pedestal, the soft life trend is about journeying along the path of least resistance, embodying softness, and sensuality, and therefore walking into the fullness of your most authentic self. It is unapologetic feminine energy, and by that I mean, a prioritization of being in a world that places value on doing, achieving, and accomplishing. Your quality of life is no longer about how hard you work, how much you do, and constant sacrificing and compromising.
Instead, the quality of your life is about vibrating higher and knowing who you are beyond those things that society feeds to you as a qualifier of your worth. You rest in your self. You are at peace with your self. You are at one with the nature of ease and the freedom of being. And therefore, you are at one with your self. And no a soft life era doesn’t mean you have to quit your job in order to enjoy the fruits of solitude. Instead, it is about no longer working yourself to the bone or operating from a place of burnout and low self-worth. It’s the antithesis of burnout because you enforce boundaries and limit the energy drainers that have access to you in place of the energy givers.
How can one do this? Alexandra Karlyn, a neuroscientist who is passionate about sharing her soft life journey to others through TikTok and Instagram, explains to xoNecole, "The key to soft living is to acknowledge that you are already worthy. You have nothing to prove to anyone and you don't need to fill a void, because you're already whole, you are already 'that girl.' Your value is not caught up in how productive you are or how well you fit into a capitalist model."
In order to start your own soft life journey, content creator Jaz Turner offers this advice to women, "Practice boundaries, first, with yourself. Do you dread going to the gym? Try a workout class. If that doesn’t feel right, try an at-home online program. Stay authentic, always. Choose the path of least resistance. Listen to yourself, and to your body. Date yourself, and get to know yourself again. Hype yourself up. Let people take care of you. Rest. Relax. Pour into yourself. Do things for yourself that bring the biggest smile to your face. Forgive yourself. Be soft and be gentle with yourself."
For more inspiration to start your soft life era, Alexandra, Jaz, and Anne-Marie O. share their transition from hustle culture to a soft life, what a soft life means to them, and their soft life routines. Here's what they had to say.
What inspired you to transition to a soft life?
I've started to realize that in order to be my best self I have to take breaks and take care of myself. Working 24/7 can get you jaded and obsessed about minuscule things, essentially leading to a whole lot of stress. It sounds bad, but it's simply not worth it. It's not worth it to compromise your physical health as well as your mental health for the sake of hustling and grinding.
As Black women, I often find that we go the extra mile to prove ourselves which often leads to us overworking ourselves. We feel that we have to be there and show up for everyone. My stance is that for now, I'm being here for myself first. I'm looking after myself first. If I am at my happiest, relaxed, and content, I will be my best version. I will be a better girlfriend, daughter, friend, acquaintance, etc. to you.
What is a soft life?
To me, a soft life isn’t lounging around lavishly or brunching to no end. For me, it’s simply avoiding stresses that can lead to burnout, both professionally and privately. It also means recognizing potential stresses and choosing not to invite those into my life. I always say a quiet and abundant life is a happy life!
What does a soft life look like for you?
Although I am a freelancer, I pretty much work 24/7 five times a week. I make it a priority not to be bound to my phone or my laptop after 5:00 p.m. on most days. I celebrate new clients, new skills, and new contracts - regardless of how big or small and often reward myself, whether it is something I've had my eye on for a while or making my favorite breakfast on the weekends. Traveling is also a great way to unwind and nourish your mind and body.
How has life changed for you since entering your soft life era?
I'm a perfectionist so I used to get very stressed and bothered to complete all my tasks, even if that meant working until late hours. I'm now more likely to close my laptop because I recognize that in the grand scheme of things, it can wait until tomorrow.
Walk me through the typical soft life routine you gravitate towards that reminds you of pleasure and leisure.
If my mind is right, my body is right. In the morning, I tend to listen to a meditation on what I currently want to focus on. The internet is great, there's a vast amount of free materials to listen to. Having a healthy breakfast also sets the tone for the day and even sets the tone to decide, “You know what? For dinner, I'm having my favorite takeaway meal.” Also saying yes more can open a whole new horizon of possibilities. Being flexible and open to being spontaneous can completely change the trajectory of your life. In good measure, of course.
For more self-care and soft life from Anne, follow her on TikTok @annemarie_akin.
What inspired you to transition to a soft life?
For me, my hustle culture came in the form of school. From college to law school, to business school, everyone around me was “hustling.” Staying up all night, working hard, grinding, was seen as a badge of honor. The more “stressed” you appeared, the smarter people assumed you were. This hustle mentality had worked for most of my academic career until it did not. My body started to negatively respond to the energy drinks, all-nighters, and law school stress. I realized hustle culture was actually affecting my mental and physical health.
It wasn’t until I left law school, went to business school, and started pursuing TikTok that I started to live in my authenticity. I saw other women on TikTok live in their softness and authenticity. I quickly began to be motivated and inspired to go slower. I saw they were not hustling, were achieving more, and were more purpose-driven than those who prized “hustle culture.”
From the morning routines I saw on TikTok I began to take my mornings slower. I implemented routines and nurtured my passions. I started to pour into myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I began to choose myself and resisted uncomfortability. I was soft with myself. And I noticed once I made this change, I started to achieve even more than I ever had through “hustling.” I was purpose-driven, intentional, and feminine, and started to achieve all my dreams through softness.
What is a soft life?
Soft life means different things to different people. I believe TikTok has a habit of confusing “soft life” with “luxury.” It can tend to over-romanticize this idea of soft life and pigeonhole it into neutral colors, Pilates, and green juice. This is not the case. At least for me, it isn’t. Having a soft life means choosing the path of least resistance. People often think that suffering makes them worthy. Suffering is resistance. Hustle culture is resistance. Soft life is intentionality, mindfulness, daily habits, and routines, it’s a commitment. It's less about luxury, and more about knowing your worth, pouring into yourself. Listening to yourself. Letting things flow, being flexible with your journey.
"Having a soft life means choosing the path of least resistance. People often think that suffering makes them worthy. Suffering is resistance. Hustle culture is resistance. Soft life is intentionality, mindfulness, daily habits, and routines, it’s a commitment. It's less about luxury, and more about knowing your worth, pouring into yourself. Listening to yourself. Letting things flow, being flexible with your journey."
How has life changed for you since entering your soft life era?
Life has done a complete 180. I have actually accomplished more, achieved more, and have been a million times less stressed ever since entering my soft life era. Showing my healing journey, my soft life era, my femininity, on TikTok and IG has garnered a community of women who are like-minded, supportive, and authentic. I have built an income and a lifestyle from being soft with myself and motivating and inspiring others to live in this softness.
Walk me through the typical soft life routine you gravitate towards that reminds you of pleasure and leisure.
For me, soft life comes in its most pronounced form in the morning. I start every morning prioritizing myself. From choosing an alarm of birds chirping to wake up to, to my silk PJs that make me feel like “that girl,” to my cute Pilates/yoga set. To going to yoga or Pilates or any low-impact workout that makes my body feel good. To coming home to drink my green juice and my favorite avocado toast. To journaling and meditating before engaging with my TikTok community. I do this routine every morning, and prioritize myself before anyone else. I do this so that I can give people my all throughout the day, but not before myself.
My soft life can also come in the form of setting boundaries. With myself, my personal relationships, and professional relationships. It means listening to myself and noticing how I am feeling, and what that feeling is signifying. I am consistently authentic with myself. I live in and nurture my femininity, and lean into what brings me joy and passion.
Soft life can also mean if I wake up in the morning and don't want to work out, then that is how I am feeling, I honor that feeling, and I proceed as such. If I don't work out, I may spend a few extra minutes meditating or doing something else “good” for myself that morning.
For more soft life motivation and inspiration from Jaz, follow her on TikTok @jazturner16.
What inspired you to transition to a soft life?
Several burnouts during lockdown led to my transition away from hustle culture. Before making the switch, I was staying up late dreading the next day, and was constantly exhausted by the balancing act that I had come to call life. Time was just moving too fast. My journey to living a "soft life" began with a list of things that I would rather be doing with my time. Subsequently, I began looking for ways to create a life around that list.
What is a soft life?
A soft life means no longer feeling guilty about prioritizing a life that makes you feel happy. We work to live, not live to work, and that is something that we often overlook.
What does a soft life look like for you?
My soft life currently reflects three aspects: time with my kids and spouse, time doing things that I enjoy, and time to just be. This often means sitting out in the sun, rereading my favorite childhood novels to my kids, morning bicycle rides to the bakery, and things that I used to do as a child (roller skating, swinging at the park, painting, etc.) Why should we stop doing the activities that made us happy as children? I think it's important to make time for those things into adulthood.
How has life changed for you since entering your soft life era?
I'm happier. Now I have very clear boundaries when it comes to work and play. In addition, I've found that I procrastinate less and don't feel badly about not being productive every day. Ultimately, life no longer feels like a hamster wheel, one long work day with naps in between.
Walk me through the typical soft life routine you gravitate towards that reminds you of pleasure and leisure.
It's important that we acknowledge that a soft life looks different for everyone. Some people have to work more hours, whereas others have more flexibility. At the moment, I have "on days" and "off days." My "on days" are structured and productive from a work perspective, those days are when the bulk of my responsibilities are met. In contrast, "off days" are mostly doing what I feel like doing. Typically that involves doing something I enjoyed as a child: going for a bike ride while eating ice cream, creating a home DIY, watching my favorite movie, taking myself to breakfast, or just laying in the sun doing absolutely nothing.
The best part about it is it's guilt-free because I've set boundaries on when I work and when I relax.
For more soft life living inspo from Alexandra, follow her on TikTok @lexakarlyn.
Featured image courtesy of Anne-Marie O.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images