There is a thin line between self-love and weight in the entertainment industry.
However, Amber Riley is not your plus-sized heroine or your body-conscious role-model. By all means, she could be. But that's not her main agenda.
Instead, the actress and singer refuses to be boxed in by way of society's love of labels. Because, like the late Whitney once said, Miss Riley is not just one type of woman, she is every woman: a daughter, sister, lover, counselor, go-getter and friend. And in a day and age where the lines between misrepresentation and inspiration are blurred, Miss Riley wants her influence to be far from limited, and her purpose to be clear. Crystal clear.
We recently had a chance to chat with the ferociously dope and unapologetic star of Glee and The Wiz Live!, and were in awe. Amber went against the new "plus-sized rage" grain and spoke on the not-so-positive side of the "Body Positive" movement, her fears going into turning 30 and her hope for women.
All of us.
Here's what we learned:
Turning 30 was a milestone and a little added pressure
Oh God, I was so depressed for a while. Because as a woman, you always have that "marker," like, you narrated having children and you do have that conversation in your head [about kids] because people do put that pressure on you like, 'You don't have a lot of time.' I got to point where I was just like [to myself], 'Look where you are in life.' What is for you is for you. That is my mantra in life. If things are going to come, they're going to come. I'm not dead, and I don't plan on dying anytime soon.I mean, I keep my age in the back of my mind but I feel like it's okay for me to love my career and love the work that I'm doing. It's okay. I actually had all my friends come over the house and cook for my birthday and then we ate and then my friends played piano and we kind of set up speakers and then played around my house and sang. What's really cool is I actually got to sing for [Faith Evans'] Grammy nomination on my actual birthday. And then she came to my party and sang with me at my party. So I got to sing with her more than once, twice in one week. She's a legend and her voice is crazy! It was unreal. And it was so much fun. And so awesome to bring that in.
[Tweet "Look where you are in life.' What is for you is for you."]
She loved Ebony Magazine's 'Body Brigade,' cover but...
I know all of them. [Chrisette Michele, Danielle Brooks, Jazmine Sullivan, and Gabi Fresh.] I actually talked to Jazmine and face-timed her while she was at the actual shoot and saw what she had on and was like "Alright girl!" (laughs). They looked absolutely amazing.
I'll be so happy when [full-figured women covering magazines] aren't a novelty and they become the norm. They're [just now] sensationalizing being a plus-sized woman as something that is normal, because it is! There are more people who look like me than there are in the magazines. That are unrealistic and unattainable goals of what people feel beautiful body images are. You know?
[Tweet "I'll be so happy when full-figured women covering magazines aren't a novelty..."]
On Feeling Sexier with Age
You mentioned in an Instagram caption being sexy isn't about the clothes you wear, but rather, it's about confidence and how you view yourself. However, you recently took some "sexy" pictures. So, are you feeling sexier these days as you get older and embrace your curves?
Well, when I did the shoot, I talked to Casey [my stylist], who actually was the mind behind the clothing. And Casey is always telling me, 'Your body. I just love your body. And you need to show off these curves!"
In general, when you see me for the most part, I am the most covered up person because I'm like a hippie. I love staple tops and stilettos. It's just who I am. So in these photoshoots, I feel like you're supposed to be playing a character, and pushing the envelope. I figured, if I can be sexy in a full gown and covered up, I can be sexy in a body suit.
So I said you know what? This is my photo shoot. Let's see what they [the stylists] can put together and I'ma take the pictures and if I don't like them, I don't have to show anybody! It's so interesting, I just wanted to be sexy. It wasn't even for like an artistic thing. It wasn't even for like a "body positive" agenda. Even though that's how people took it. I saw the outfits and I just thought they were sexy. And cute and fly and I wanted to wear it. You know what I mean?
She feels her sexiest when....
I feel my sexiest when I'm with my spouse or my boyfriend or whatever, and I'm just in a t-shirt and sweats and he fixes my hair, or he holds my hands- that makes me feel sexy.
Interesting enough, when I finish a book and I start to jot down my notes, and what I learned from it, my intelligence makes me feel sexy, like "I just MURKED this book. I feel so smart right now." I feel really attractive right now. I think different things define sexy and what sexy is.
On why she's not completely down with the "Body Positive" Movement...
There are a couple of problems that I have with the "Body Positive" movement and people behind it. I don't believe that I have to love every single part of myself. There are things about myself that I have difficulty accepting, but it doesn't mean that I hate myself. I love myself as a whole. There are things about myself that I have difficulty accepting because I know I need to get on the ball and get started. It has nothing to do with other people's opinions. It has to do with me. It's self-improvement and things that I feel I have to improve within myself. We can't go around lying like, 'I love myself more than you think and I don't care,' and blah blah blah. No.
I can not stand that when I wear a skirt or a sundress out that I need to wear shorts because my thighs chaff. You know what I mean? So saying that to a girl but then turning around and saying "But I still love myself, I'm still fly!" Like, there are women who are size 2 that have issues with their bodies. I have skinny friends and big friends and they have the same body parts. So it's not that I'm saying "I'm perfect and everything about me is idea." I'm saying that as a whole, my body is not who I am. In general.
"I don't do a lot of interviews or magazines just about my body because that's not "just" who I am."
It is who people identify with- me as a plus size woman in this industry- because people just have to put labels on things. But as a whole, that's not who I am. I'm a writer. I'm somebody's daughter. I'm a comedian. I'm some people's counselor, I'm a therapist. I'm an actor. I'm a singer. I'm a producer sometimes. I'm a business woman. I mean, I am who I am to different people. I won't let people put me in a box. I can't accept or be okay with just "being a body." I can't accept that.
She will not accept stereotypical roles...
I don't go for certain roles. And it may piss my agents off, but I won't just go after roles. I don't think being "plus-sized" is a character; it's not a character. I don't need to "play fat." I don't sit around and talk this way so I'm not going to sit around and talk about my body in this way in a script. The whole world sees what size I am, so there is no need for me to sit and talk about it all the time.
On what she's learned from her friendship with Gabourey Sidibe...
Gabourey Sidibe is on her way to my house now and she is one of my closest friends ever. Gabourey is an inspiration to me and not just because she is a plus-sized woman. She inspires me because she is unapologetically herself in every single setting that she is in. She is authentic. And I have learned, from her, to be authentic, too, and to be me, and to take the roles that I want and to go after the roles that I want. So my authenticity and my resolve in who I am, and how real I am with myself, how I talk to myself, it keeps me from being boxed in. Because I don't see myself the way that they see me. I won't accept the way that you see me. Everything that I've done has been very strategic for my career.
On Why She Chooses the roles that she does...
I'm okay with not having an abundance of work so long as when I do take the job, it means something for my career and it means something to me. It makes it hard sometimes. My agents are probably like 'Ok, so you just said no [again]." I had a manager before that was like, 'You just keep saying no to everything,' because it was not for me! I'm not just going to say "yes" to a role for money aspect or to have something on my resume. The things that people have seen me done, they've been good things. I did a Christmas movie, My One Christmas Wish, we didn't talk about my size at all in that movie. At all. That's not what the movie was about. And I killed that role. My manager was like 'I don't think you should,' but I took it because I needed to show that I can be this size and be a leading lady. And be a love interest and it's believable.
This is what I want I want Hollywood to see me as. You have to tell them who you are. You can't let them tell you who you are, because they have a specific formula for every single type and they will box you in.
[Tweet "You have to tell them who you are. You can't let them tell you who you are!"]
The Difference Between Black Hollywood vs. White Hollywood and Being on Both Sides of the Fence
It's been a very interesting journey for sure. I've seen a whole lot. I've been on a totally different side of things. I was in predominately White Hollywood [before]. I've been the only Black character for a while that was identified as "Black." Naya [Rivera] is Black too of course. But as far as identified, I was the Black character on Glee. Naya's character identified as Latina, which she is also.
I went to a predominately White high school, so I already dealt with prejudice and people's perceptions of who you are, so I've already gone through [stereotyping]. Growing up, I learned to correct people. I've learned to do it in love, because most of it was ignorance. But being in [Glee] it was like family. It was an interesting culture. And the writers left it very open for me to say what I felt about certain things and that was a blessing for me because I got to steer my character in a very positive way. So I've been on that side. And I've been in Black Hollywood. And it's different type of embrace when you're around your own people. It is.
XO: Different as in "better" or different as in "different."
Different as in different. Being in "The Wiz" I had never been part of an all-Black cast like that and there was just something very spiritual about it. We connect in a different way. Especially with everything going on in the social climate right now. The conversations were different. I didn't feel like I had to stop a conversation or not get anything started. Because I'm very passionate. And the cast were extremely knowledgable about what's going in the world where as most people repeat what's on the news. And as we know, most things on the news, are half-truths.
Amber Riley in "The Wiz" as the Good Witch of the North.
Sitting and being able to talk to Queen Latifah, who is my personal idol, it's just different than being on a set with people who don't completely understand your experience as a Black woman. It's just different. It's like the difference between going on vacation and vacationing at home.
She's dating....
Well, you know, I am not a serial dater. I date very selectively. And there is someone I really like right now that I am talking to. But I've just learned to try and keep those things are private as possible. Not even as an actor or a "celebrity" but in general. My friends don't even know who I date, my sister does! (laughs)
On How She Defines Success
There are so many other alternatives for what success looks like nowadays and it's just not a reality for everyone and that can be discouraging, but I don't judge anybody. Live your life how you want to live your life.
[Tweet "I'm learning that everybody's journey is going to be different."]
However, for those who want an alternative approach for this world that we live in, I have something for you too. It took me a long time to get here .... and [sometimes] that's a hard pill to swallow when you think you know everything and then find out you don't! It took me a long time to get here and I'm learning that everybody's journey is going to be different.
Amen! After all, age (and weight) ain't nothing but some numbers. Cheers to moving onwards and upwards! Amber is currently gearing up to star in "Dreams Girls" in West End London this Fall, where she will be staying for the next year. The singer is also working on music in hopes of doing a mini tour by the Summer. Sounds like major "30-something" goals to us!
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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