Girl Bosses Share Essentials That Help Them Slay The Day
The way we begin our day sets the tone for how we feel about our day. And for a lot of women, our beauty routines are how we get into formation, and how we ultimately equip ourselves to slay the day ahead.
As a woman about her business, I find myself constantly drawing inspiration from the processes of other like-minded phenomenal women who are doing the damn thing in their work lives and taking impressive steps in their career journeys.
Whether she's a marketing coordinator at Squarespace, the founder of her own TRIBE, or the engineer coding for herself, a boss babe is never a boss without the tools that help make her hone in on that feeling of regality and success. Read on to learn the beauty essentials of some of our favorite thriving girl bosses on the rise.
Cheyenne Adler
Instagram:@adamantlyadler
Location: New York, NY
Occupation: Marketing Coordinator at Squarespace
Vitruvi Wake Aromatherapy Oil
“I've always been fascinated by aromatherapy, so I picked this up and I honestly can't start a day without it. A little Wake oil behind the ears in the morning, and I'm ready to tackle anything I've got on my plate - work, photoshoots, events, anything. Not only do you feel rejuvenated, but the scent is subtle enough that it pairs nicely with any perfume, so you smell incredible too."
Boy Brow by Glossier
“You know that saying, 'Don't let anyone with bad brows tell you sh*t about life?' Yeah, well I took that to heart! I never want to be the girl with bad brows! My brows are super full (borderline bushy) and have a mind of their own so I even if I'm not wearing any makeup, a nice swipe or two of Boy Brow always keeps them in shape while I'm sprinting around the office or around the city."
Fenty Beauty Killawat Highlighter in Girl Next Door
“Our girl, Rihanna really does know how to make a girl GLOW. I'm not one to wear a lot of make up on the day to day so I picked up the Girl Next Door/Chic Phreak palette to add a healthy, natural glow to my cheeks. When I wear it, it's a nice little essence of RihRih motivating me to be my best and baddest self."
A.N Other WD/18
“WD/18 is a new fragrance I discovered, and I'm absolutely obsessed. It kind of smells like Le Labo's notorious Santal scent, but half the price -- so you can see why I love it! I believe smelling good really gives a woman a little extra confidence, commanding attention, so you can definitely catch me leaning in a little more closely in meetings knowing I'm smelling bomb af."
Care/Of Monthly Subscription
“I have pretty hectic days Monday – Friday, so sometimes I'm not the best about managing a well-balanced diet filled with all the nutrients and the healthy good stuff. I know, I know, so bad and I've got to be better, but until I slow down, it's nice to have a reminder every day to at least take my vitamins. Care/Of is awesome because it's 100% customized from the mix of vitamins catered to your targeted needs and they have your name on the bags - what boss woman doesn't like seeing her name on something?"
Maura Chanz
Instagram:@maurachanz
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Occupation: Assistant, Mara Brock Akil – CEO of Glitter + Hustle – Founder of You Need Tribe
Fenty Beauty Pro Filt'r Soft Matte Longwear Foundation in 390
“Being a boss is about working smarter not harder. Fenty Foundation allows me to do this because it gives me a flawless look with one product. This foundation allows me a lightweight full coverage that keeps me looking flawless when myself nor my day are anything but."
MAC Ruby Woo Lipstick
“A boss asserts her power. For me, this can be done with something as simple as a boom on the lip. Red lipstick, specifically Ruby Woo, has always been a staple and keeps me feeling like I'm kicking ass and taking names."
Big Hoop Earrings
“In addition to working smarter and asserting my power, I always need something that speaks to my fun and eccentric nature. Hoop earrings are classic (to me) and always give me an edge to slay my day. I can always re-up at my local beauty store when necessary (I've picked some up en route places before)."
Amber Janae
Instagram:@ajscribes
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Occupation: Founder & Editor-in-Chief of THE CORE Magazine
Juicy Couture Eau de Parfum Spray & Bonbon by Viktor and Rolf
“Smelling good is priority on my list. I have two fragrances I love. Juicy Couture's first perfume ever, which I've been wearing since I was about 17. Also, Bonbon by Viktor and Rolf. A salesman suckered me on a trip to NY and I've been hooked since. Both fragrances are to die for. I was always taught that a woman should have a signature scent, which is why smelling good id something I always take pride in."
Rose Quartz
“I wear a rose quartz pendant around my neck daily or I'll carry one of my smaller rose quartz crystals in my pocket or purse. Rose quartz are symbolically known as the 'Love stone.' I like to wear it around my neck, close to my heart so that, that chakra remains opened and balanced. I also like it near as I reminder that I am love and am always covered in it."
Matcha Green Tea and Activated Charcoal Mask
“Great skin would have to be next. I love makeup, but it's so important for my skin to be clear and glowing underneath it all. My latest go-to product is the Matcha Green Tea and Activated Charcoal Mask by Beija Flor Naturals. Absolutely everything I never knew I needed. Its ingredients are all natural and literally leaves my skin feeling and looking radiant."
Dara Oke
Instagram:@daraoke_
Location: Lagos, Nigeria
Occupation: Entrepreneur, Software Developer + Designer
The True Cream Moisturizing Bomb by BELIF
“I have dry skin, as in - the absolute driest. Finding a facial moisturizer that understood me has been nothing short of a lifelong journey, this completely improved my skincare routine. Washing and moisturizing my face is now my favorite part of waking up and getting my mornings started."
Nars Velvet Matte Skin Tint + Lancome Teint Idole Ultra Foundation
“I was a drugstore foundation girl for a really long time (still swear by Maybelline Fit Me), but then I found foundations I loved enough to shell out the cash for. I rotate between my Nars and Lancome, neither of which are too heavy, but give me the flawless coverage and confidence to conquer my day."
NYX Lingerie Liquid Lipstick
“Working in tech, spending most of my days between meetings and offices always made picking my daily lip color a chore - balancing between not too bold, but still present. I love the muted colors, all day wear, and texture (probably the smoothest liquid lipstick I've tried) of these lipsticks. Plus, they're just a few dollars each. I can 100% guarantee that you'd catch me wearing this on any day."
David Yurman Châtelaine Pearl Earrings
“I was gifted a pair of these, and to this day they are the only earrings I haven't misplaced (likely because I rarely take them off, except sleep/shower). I never saw myself as a pearl person, nor had I ever purchased designer earrings, but these have become the most consistent part of my wardrobe, and make every outfit feel just a little bit elegant."
Chan-Lo
Instagram:@callherchanlo / @cnkdaily
Location: Dallas, TX
Occupation: Chief of Sneaker Chic at CNKDaily.com
Rosebud Salve by Rosebud Perfume Co.
“For me, hydrated lips are essential. If you're guilty of not drinking enough water (raises hand), you need a good lip balm to keep your lips hydrated, especially in extreme climates. I live for Rosebud Salve by Rosebud Perfume Co. It's about $6.00 and one pot last me about two months."
Neutrogena Oil-Free Face Moisturizer with SPF 35
“I live in Texas so, you never know what you're going to get as far as weather goes. So, I try to make sure to protect my skin as much as possible. A good face moisturizer with SPF is always the way to go for me personally. I've been using this Neutrogena option since college (when I was battling dry skin in the frozen Tundra of Minneapolis) and I swear by it. Plus, I can always find it for under $10, which makes me super happy."
Oh My How High! Lengthening Mascara by Butter London
“I don't do a full face of make-up every day. It's just too time consuming and I like to give my face a chance to breathe but, after throwing on some lip balm and combing out my eyebrows I usually put on some mascara before dashing out of the house. I received this mascara by Butter London in a gift bag and I haven't used anything else since. It doesn't flake, it's easy to remove, and it definitely gives your lashes a huge POP."
Palmer's Olive Oil Formula Deep Conditioner
“Deep conditioning my hair once a week has made it more manageable and it's easy to do. On Sundays, I usually wash with a good cleansing shampoo and add this deep conditioner post-wash. I usually put on a plastic cap and let it sit while I prep posts or plan social media for the week."
Love Your Bare Face Hydrating Cleansing Oil
“For those boss babes who hate how time consuming some face cleanse regimens are, this has been a game changer for me personally. The lightweight oil melts away a full face of makeup or the dirt from the day easily without stripping your skin. Plus, the oil adds moisture to your skin. I usually will put this on my face before I hit the shower, rinse off, and I'm good to go."
What are some of the go-to essentials you rely on to help you feel like a boss?
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images