OK, so here's a fun fact. If any of you caught the piece that I wrote about turning 45 a couple of months ago, you might recall the part where it said that I've been out of church as long as I've been abstinent (which is almost 13 years now). This doesn't mean that I'm "anti-church"; it just means that my journey is different. It's as simple and as layered as that. Anyway, before I made my transition out, the last official pastor that I had was a man by the name of Calvin Roberson. If his name rings a bell to you, it may be because he is currently known as "Pastor Cal" on Lifetime's Married at First Sight (life is a trip, ain't it?).
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Sometimes, it really does trip me out that he's on there, so the combination of him being an expert and the social experiment approach of the show overall, will sometimes pull me in to check out an episode. Recently, I caught one where Calvin—sorry, Pastor Cal—was talking to a guy by the name of Greg (who actually seems to be really cool) about how things were progressing with his new wife, Deonna. As Greg was in the midst of expressing the belief that he felt that he could someday "fall in love" with her, Pastor Cal interjected and said, "I don't believe people 'fall in love'; you grow in love." Hmph. That goes right in line with a quote by Albert Einstein that is on the front of one of my shirts—"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
I chuckled to myself when I reflected on the fact that clearly Pastor Cal—oh, and Mr. Einstein—are not big fans of the phrase "fall in love". The reason why that stood out is because I aggressively purse my lips whenever I hear people use "make love" to define the act of sex. Chile, I know some people who don't even know their partner's middle name or sexual health status who say they "make love" to them. Honestly, I think them playing that phrase on repeat can cause it to go into their psyche and result in them ultimately becoming disillusioned by their partner and by sex. Sex is and does a lot of things. The oxytocin that's in it even helps you to feel closer to your partner (it's scientifically proven). But assuming that giving somebody some is gonna make them love you…to fall in love with you? If you really and truly believe that, I believe, with everything in me, that you are in for quite the emotional roller coaster ride; one that I'm pretty sure will cause all sorts of emotion sickness. No doubt about it, turned out and in love are not synonymous. I promise you that.
So, why is it that so many people subscribe to the mindset that love is something that we fall into, sex is something that makes love transpire and/or that the love experience, overall, is something that we cannot control? I blame Disney. And Hollyweird. And Barbie and Ken dolls. And us listening to love songs while we sleep. And so much of church leadership—including the married couples in them—trying to act like they are perfect when they are anything but. And us listening to our friends more than our mentors. And many of our parents not being forthcoming about how they gave their virginity away (because no one "loses" it; we all know where our virginity went), their first love experience and what made them choose one another to make us with.
Facades. Fantasies. Straight-up lies. They all play a role in what has caused so many of us to believe that love is purely emotional (as if it has no logic or common sense attached to it); that we couldn't do anything about how we feel if we tried (and really, how many of us actually do try?).
Am I saying that we can control basic level attraction or interest? It depends on what you mean by "control". I see people—not all of the time but fairly enough—who I wink at (in my head). But as far as feeding into that attraction or interest? I can control that. I can decide if I want to approach them or not. Or, if we happen to strike up a conversation, I can control if I want them to be able to reach me after that exchange. The initial appeal doesn't have me so seduced that I can't think straight.
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Or, if I go on a date with someone. I am a huge supporter of knowing what you want and what you don't want before going out with someone. I also believe that the first and second dates can help you figure out if an individual fits the bill or not (which is why I'm not an advocate of movie-going on the first couple of outings). No matter how much chemistry a guy and I may have, no matter how much charm he may turn on, since I know I'm interested in something long-term, and since I also I know at this point what will complement my life (or not), I can control how much time, effort and energy that I will pour into "him".
So, if I can control what to do with surface level attraction and even the beginning stages of a dating dynamic, why can't I control who I love? I can. And should. And do. Love comes after these things. What I do on the front end determines if I come to love someone. Or not.
There is an author by the name of Michael R. French who once said, "Falling in love is more than infatuation. It is the need to feel whole, to feel safe, to be healed, to join together with someone, heart and soul." If this resonates with you, on any level, then there is some part of you who believes that you can indeed control who you love as well. Why do I say that? Because if love to you is more than "foolish or all-absorbing passion" (which is what infatuation is), if you honor the purpose and power of love in your life and the life of those around you, if you do indeed believe that the Most High is the Source of Love ("God is love"—I John 4:7-16)—then love is so much more than a feeling.
Attraction and interest may ignite something within you, but in order to feel whole, safe and healed—that takes time. That requires commitment. That means you have to choose to remain in the presence and company of someone long enough to determine if you love them…and if they love you. And it's within that choice—a daily series of choices, actually—that you are able to utilize your control.
That's why, whenever folks tell me that they can't control who they love, they get the total and complete eye roll. To me, it sounds like a scapegoat approach to whatever decisions they are about to make (or are currently making). I'll cheat on my spouse because I can't control who I love. I will stay in a relationship that is totally beneath me because I can't control who I love. I'll make all sorts of reckless and irresponsible decisions that will put my heart and body in jeopardy because I can't control who I love. To believe that, to really and truly believe that, it is a total affront to love itself.
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Love—real, genuine and pure love—has a divine calling. It is designed to cultivate you into your best self. It is totally devoted to protecting and nurturing you. It is not just physical but spiritual; not just something that makes us feel good, but something that matures us as well.
And here's the irony to all of this. When we love ourselves, we know that we can control who we love, because self-love teaches us how to. Self-love sends us red flags. Self-love reminds us that if our mind, body and soul are not in sync, something is unhealthy and imbalanced. Self-love ushers us into a knowing that if what I'm feeling doesn't teach me how to be greater than who I was before the feeling came along, no matter how subtle it may be, something counterfeit is transpiring. Self-love gives us the assurance of this because it echoes, on repeat, that love loves you and me too much to bring hurt, harm or danger our way. In fact, real love repels those things.
So, yes. I am firmly opposed to the belief that we can't control who we love because love is a choice. No matter what our eyes, hormones or innate desires may beckon us to give into, should we choose to move past initial attraction and interest, love tell us that we determine if we want to move forward or to totally pump the breaks. It expresses that because love is so powerful, sacred and purpose-filled, our temperance, intellect and acumen definitely get a vote on who we decide to love. All we need to do is give them a voice—and a vote.
So, if someone were to walk up to me right now and ask me, "Can you control who you love?" I would nod my head to convey an emphatic yes. So should you.
Love doesn't force itself upon you. It gives you permission to love who you want to love.
Now that you know this, please choose—to love—wisely.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again
Are You In Love Or Are You In Need?
If You're Not In Love With Being Single, Ask Yourself These 6 Questions
How To Own The Power Of Your Single Season
Feature image by Shutterstock
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Although this might seem like a heavy way to intro this particular topic, because the O Method is an orgasm-achieving technique that centers around housing energy, embracing the mental practice of manifestation, and the attempt to achieve the best climaxes ever — it all works together pretty well if you ask me. If you want to take your orgasms to the next level, it’s important that you get out of yourself (to a certain extent), that you see the spiritual role that manifestation plays, and that you are open to trying new things. No doubt about it.
So, let’s learn more about what the O Method is all about and how it very well could be just what you’ve been looking for…even if you didn’t know it.
What Is the “O Method” All About?
GiphyQuestion: When’s the last time you’ve had an orgasm? Not just any orgasm — I mean a really mind-blowing one (I’ll give you a second to think about it). Now, what if you could manifest that experience to the point where it wasn’t a rare occurrence but something that happened almost every time that you and your partner had sex with each other? How absolutely awesome would that be?
That is pretty much what the O Method is all about — helping you achieve the kind of orgasms (and sexual pleasure, in general) that you desire through the practice of manifestation. And since your biggest sex organ is your brain, it would make perfect sense that even with all of the tips and techniques that you might learn to do as far as your body is concerned, honing in on what you think about is super imperative to sexual fulfillment, too. And that’s just where manifestation comes in.
What If You’ve Never “Manifested” Anything Before?
GiphyBefore we get into a quick lesson on manifestation, I think it’s important to mention two things. One, for the cynics, there is a lot of truth in the fact that it’s got some solid spiritual basis to it because even the Good Book says that as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7). At the same time, that same Good Book tells us that faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26). So, while it is always a good idea to focus on good, positive, and productive thoughts, just thinking about them isn’t enough — at some point, you’ve also gotta get out here and DO something (bookmark that).
Okay, with that mini-sermon out of the way, whether it’s in the bedroom or not, manifestation is basically about focusing on something tangible that you desire, harnessing your energy in such a way that your words and actions are directed towards that longing until what you want, well, manifests. For the record, aside from this having a spiritual backing to it, in many ways, science cosigns on manifesting, too. There is actually a scientific process known as neuroplasticity that consists of reframing your mind so that your actions ultimately end up aligning with your goals — and that is another way to look at manifestation.
So, what if you’re someone who has never set out to do a manifestation practice before? No worries. Something that’s awesome about it is there are several different approaches that you can take.
Some people manifest what they want in their lives via:
- Journaling
- Visualization/Creating vision boards
- Writing down their desires before going to bed (so that they can “download” them into their dream state)
- Creating mantras and affirmations
- Applying the 369 Manifestation Method (you can learn more about that here)
- Meditating
- Learning more about what you want to manifest (which brings forth clarity)
This is important to keep in mind because, when it comes to manifesting the types of orgasms that you want to have, as you can see, you can try different manifestation methods until you find one (or ones) that you are truly comfortable with. One that can ease you into the entire process rather smoothly is something known as sex journaling.
How Sex Journaling Can Actually Help You to Have an Orgasm
GiphyAs a writer, I’m a big fan of journaling. Mostly because it’s a way to get out some of your deepest thoughts and feelings so that you’re able to really process what is happening inside of you in a private setting. And when it comes to sex journaling, specifically, it’s all about centering yourself on the things sexually that you want to “unpack,” get clarity on or come to some revelations about. For instance, if there’s only been one partner from your past who’s been able to help you achieve the type of orgasms that you wish to manifest, journaling about what makes him different from the other guys can provide you with some solid ah-ha moments.
Or if you need help getting as specific as possible about the sexual experiences that you’re after, journaling can help to make that happen for you — because one thing that manifesting reminds us all to do is be as specific as possible.
Yeah, simply saying, “I want to have better sex” isn’t detailed enough when you want to get your energy to match with your desires — instead, describe how all of your senses should feel in the experience, along with why, that can get you so much closer to achieving your goal. Once those things are documented, you can segue into creating mantras and/or meditation that are based on them. Yeah, sex journaling really is an underrated superpower on a lot of levels (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”).
5 Tips for Making the O Method Work for You
GiphyNow that you know more about what the O Method is and how manifestation plays a direct role in its process, let’s talk about five ways to make the O Method truly effective in your own (sex) life.
1. Focus, FULLY, on your feminine energy. What do rose quartz, amethyst, moonstone (which is a Gemini birthstone as well; yes, I’m a Gemini), selenite, and rhodonite all have in common? They’re crystals that help you to go deeper into your divine feminine energy. Traits that are associated with this include compassion, creativity, kindness, gentleness, and sensuality (feminine energy is also accepting and forgiving). If you were to study energy from a biological standpoint, it’s about producing change, responding to stimuli, and having the ability to do what needs to be done (work). So, when it comes to manifesting the kind of orgasms or sexual experiences that you want, using things like your creativity and gentleness in your thoughts and actions can play a role in bringing balance to your partner’s masculinity, which can create a profound sense of pleasure — after all, opposites do attract.
2. Don’t hold back on what it is that you desire. Whenever I interview sex therapists, something that they all say is, a huge mistake that people make as far as sexual satisfaction is concerned is, they have walls up — not just with their partners but even within themselves. Sometimes, there is intimidation, fear, or even shame around what they really want to happen during sex to the point where they aren’t able to channel their energy fully in those directions in order to manifest what they want. For the O Method to work, you can’t let those types of negative emotions hinder you; the more you are able to articulate what you want and how you want it, the better chance you have of making it happen. So yes, get graphic. As graphic as possible.
3. Make manifestation a daily practice. Repetition is important when it comes to manifestation. That’s because the more you declare what you desire (a mantra), get still and think on it (meditation), or look at the “art” that you’ve created surrounding it (visualization), the quicker it becomes a part of you. So yes, make manifestation a daily practice. For instance, if one of your mantras is, “I am going to have intensely passionate orgasms, one right after the other,” don’t just state that 15 minutes before sex is going to happen. Wake up and declare it. Then say it on your lunch break. And again before turning in. The more your thoughts are “streamlined” in this way, the easier it will be for your body to follow suit.
4. Share this practice with your partner. If you were to do even more research on the O Method, one thing that most of the articles will mention is it’s a practice that you can do alone or with your partner. Indeed. However, I just want to make sure that you get into your psyche that great sex is, in part, about good communication. And so, the more comfortable you are sharing with your partner what you are doing as far as the O Method is concerned and what you ultimately want to happen as a result of the practice, the easier it will be for him to “match your energy” — both in and out of the bedroom. And when your partner is on the same page as you? That definitely increases the chances of attaining your sexual desires — exponentially so.
5. Stay in the moment. While I was reading one article on manifestation, I really appreciated something that the author said: manifestation isn’t some supernatural power. In other words, while it can be beneficial, it’s not like you can just think of something, and it instantly appears out of nowhere. Manifesting is a discipline, and it must be accompanied by action, consistency, and patience — this means that you must also practice mindfulness. Meaning, now that you know better what you’re looking to achieve as far as sex is concerned, every time that it transpires, maintain a level of positive energy, remember what your end goal is, and then determine in your mind to enjoy the moments as they come. Remember, manifestation isn’t to add stress…it’s to cultivate clarity.
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At the end of the day, the O Method is simply a way of reminding you that your mind plays a huge role in your sexual pleasure, and when you channel it and your energy exactly where you want them both to go, you’ll be amazed what your body is capable of doing…and accomplishing.
So, what kind of orgasm are you wanting to achieve? You’ve got a tool to get you there. USE IT.
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