In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
Sean and Kathlyn Dias are a creative match made in heaven---literally. Kathlyn, a content creator better known as Kathlyn Celeste by her more than 150,000 followers on Instagram alone, and Sean, a producer and creative director in his own right, have been married for eight years. The 27-year-old parents of two boys, Kayson and Avery, literally sow into one another's dreams, working together to keep the creatives juices going, the projects flowing, and the inspiration growing.
The Massachusetts-based couple find that being two creatives bound together by their Christian beliefs and foundation helps them both in their careers, parenting, and in everyday life.
"When we combine our ideas together, we come up with great things," Kathlyn revealed during our interview. "We love being able to do that. Our common goal is to grow and build something that is ours and reach people through creativity. If [my subscribers] are coming to my page for a hair tutorial or fashion, I want them to leave higher in their faith and encouraged."
Read on for insight on how Kathlyn and Sean made it through their first year of marriage:
Courtesy of Kathlyn and Sean
The One:
Kathlyn: I knew I wanted to be with him but I didn't want to make the choice based on just my feelings. I really had to seek God on that. I asked God to confirm, and one day, I opened my Bible to a random page. The scripture was Genesis 2:18, which [indicates that] God created woman for man as his helper. We had started dating February 18---so 2/18 just happened to be our anniversary date.
Sean: When we first started dating, she showed me love in ways I hadn't known before. My past relationships were very surface-level. I can recall being at work, and I'd leave for my shift to find little Post-It notes with song lyrics on them---something I think a guy would do for a girl---but she would do things like that. I was so caught by surprise. It was always the small details. I felt like she was somebody who was really interested in me. I never had that before. I had a lot of issues of hurt in the past---and she stuck through it with me. She wanted me to better myself, and she loved me through my flaws. Also, when dating, I noticed how nurturing she was toward her younger cousins. I saw a mother quality to her.
Courtesy of Kathlyn and Sean
"I knew I wanted to be with him but I didn't want to make the choice based on just my feelings. I really had to seek God on that."
Biggest Fears:
Kathyln: My biggest fear was divorce because no one in my immediate family had a lasting marriage. My grandmother didn't, a lot of my aunts, and my mom---I just grew up seeing her brokenhearted, one after the other. That worried me. I feared, 'Are we actually going to make it?' I knew I had to trust God and work at breaking those family [patterns] to have a healthy and long-lasting marriage.
Sean: We knew each other for so long, I had a fear of the unknown once we got married. I had unrealistic expectations of how life would be after marriage. When marriage came, there were so many things we had no idea about [that were different]. I wasn't entirely sure that the relationship would be the same.
Courtesy of Kathlyn and Sean
Overcoming Challenges:
Kathlyn: A big one for me was habits. He's very musically inclined, so in the beginning stages, he'd always be working on his music [projects]. So when it came down to me just wanting to cuddle, he'd be very focused on the music. He needed to be more understanding on my love language and how to balance spending time with me and doing what he is passionate about. I also had to take a step back and say it's not always about me. I had to give him his space to enjoy his music and his time.
Sean: I had to prioritize my time as well and realize that my wife is my priority. I needed to make that time and condition myself to being in that realm of, 'Music is cool, but my wife is my first priority. If I don't have her, what is music?' She's also a big communicator. For me, I'm the opposite---I can shut down and be to myself very easily---especially in times where I feel wronged. I'm used to walking away from things. It's part of what I saw growing up. I've learned that communication is needed. If you're both on the same page, you cannot lose. It's a necessity. I'm still learning and trying to open up with how I feel and part that is making sure I'm meeting her needs as well.
Courtesy of Kathlyn and Sean
"I've learned that communication is needed. If you're both on the same page, you cannot lose. It's a necessity."
Money Talks:
Kathlyn: [You have to] let one another know what you're spending on. We were trying to save up for a house, so we just knew we needed to be more cautious. It made sense that if he wants to buy something, he just lets me know [and vice versa.]
Sean: She's more financially conscious. I trust and know that since she oversees and manages [finances], she knows if we're saving the right amount of money. I have no problem at all. We [also] both help each other with our work. We're collaborating and making one another income. Whenever we get paid for something, we high-five and celebrate that. That's important as well.
Courtesy of Kathlyn and Sean
Love Lessons:
Kathlyn: I love doing life with you, and I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.
Sean: She helps me grow and is truly my life partner. I'm still working on this every day, but when we put each other first, that's how the marriage flourishes.
For more on Kathlyn and Sean, follow them on Instagram @kathlynceleste and @crualxndr.
Want more Our First Year love stories? Check them out here.
Well, the next time we met up, she told me she had met someone and was moving to Houston to live with him. Imagine my surprise and concern. Later, I’d find out that this decision, like so many other elements of their relationship, flowed naturally and organically. Their whole partnership has been full of peace and vulnerability.
Fast forward to today’s conversation, they’re still living together, celebrating four years of marriage, and planning to create a family. And while this stage of their story sounds generally normal, the way they got there is nothing but. Check out the "How We Met" feature below to see how a couple who never spoke on the phone and lived in different states ended up in a loving marriage full of ease, art, and authenticity.
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
Walk me through your ‘How We Met’ story.
Amanda: We met on Instagram (laughs). He followed me first, and I followed back because he does art, and I was intrigued by that. Honestly, we followed each other for a while before we connected. But I remember one day I saw a post where he had on a Martin t-shirt that I liked, and that sparked our conversation. He ended up telling me he made the shirt and actually mailed me one. So when I got it, I made a post wearing it, and that’s where the conversation started. Since that day we’ve communicated every day since.
Will: Yeah, I initially saw her on a short-hair Instagram page and followed her because I thought she was attractive. I actually showed her to my co-workers on one of our monthly outings as an example of my “type” – something I had never done. But one thing I will say is, I noticed she had on a Nina Simone shirt in one of her photos, that’s what got me. It showed she had more depth.
I guess that answers my next question. Did you have an initial attraction to each other?
Will: (Laughs) Yeah, I did.
Amanda: For me, no. I just wasn’t looking at him through that lens. I didn’t follow him because he was attractive. I don’t follow people online because of that. I actually remember a time when we were going back and forth, and I was like, “Aye, you kinda cute.” It was a specific moment. Once I started looking through his page more often, I started to view him that way, but it still was more of an acknowledgment. We really connected primarily because of our creative interests.
So, how did it go to the next level?
Amanda: I was in Nashville, and he was in Houston. But I’m somebody where if I feel like doing something, I’m going to do it. I had been meaning to go to Houston for a while to see a friend, so I felt like it was the perfect combination of a circumstance. We had been talking a lot, and I knew I liked him as a person and really wanted to meet him, but of course, I was aware of the idea that it could blossom into more. I remember I sent him a text saying, “Would you think I was crazy if I pulled up to Houston?”
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
What was your reply? Did you think she was crazy?
Will: In my mind, I was like, I don’t know. (Laughs) I wanted her to, though, so I wasn’t going to say yeah. It was a little wild, but I encouraged it.
Okay, so tell me about the date.
Amanda: I don’t know if you’d call it our first “date,” but the first time we met, we went to a skating rink. I was a little nervous about meeting him in person. Like, what if we don’t have chemistry – that was in the back of my head a little. But I brought my friend with me as a buffer, and thank God I did because he was so quiet the whole night. I literally can’t think of one thing he said the entire time. But the saving grace was that we had built a rapport. We reconnected the following night and were together until 5 a.m. – just sitting there talking. We ended up spending the whole weekend together.
Will: I’m socially awkward if I don’t know you. Also, before the date, I didn’t know what she sounded like or anything because, that’s another thing, we hadn’t talked on the phone. (They both really don’t like phone calls, so everything was through texts at this point.) I guess I could say I was kinda nervous, too. I had never met someone through social media, and then here I was, meeting her in person at a skating rink. I hadn’t skated in years, I was hoping I didn’t fall. But we had just been talking so much that I was open to it.
What made you want to take that risk?
Will: She has a level of authenticity that I’ve never seen in any other woman before, and once I saw her, it solidified that. I knew I wanted her around.
Amanda: I don’t think it was anything specific. It’s not hard for me to connect with people. But there were no red flags. We align across the board. That was different. We really connect on how we see the world.
"She has a level of authenticity that I’ve never seen in any other woman before, and once I saw her, it solidified that. I knew I wanted her around."
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
Out of curiosity, what are your love languages?
Amanda: I connect with all of them. I think it just depends on what I’ve been lacking. I appreciate words of affirmation because I’m so big on actions that I like those bold statements of love, and of course, I appreciate quality time. The older I get, the more I appreciate physical touch, but that’s not something I need. With receiving gifts, I like thoughtfulness, and I like giving thoughtful gifts, too. But acts of service is for sure my biggest one. I love when someone considers me and makes my life easier. That speaks to me most.
"I love when someone considers me and makes my life easier. That speaks to me most."
Will: I think it all depends on how I’m feeling, too. But probably also acts of service. I like how Amanda will buy me deodorant when I run out (laughs). She just does so much all the time to show that I’m thought of.
At what point in your connection did y’all have the “what are we” conversation?
Will: I don’t think we ever had that convo. We never defined anything, we just kinda went with how it was going. However, I knew I wanted it to be more serious when I went to visit her. She had been coming to Houston once a month, and I went to Florida (she was there for work) to see her. I realized I felt comfortable coming into her space, too. That gave me that last little bit of whatever I needed.
Amanda: Yeah, I can’t say I had a defined moment like that. But again, as we had more and more interactions, there were just no red flags. The more we thought about it, the more we realized no matter where we went relationship-wise, we were adamant about being a part of each other’s lives. We never had the “talking to other people” conversation or anything. But we did both understand we weren’t going anywhere. Eventually, it graduated to convos around building a life together, but even that was over six months in. I just liked him as a person.
Have there been any negative revelations that your partnership and marriage have taught you about yourself?
Amanda: I’ve always felt that partnership is supposed to make the other person’s life easier. For me, it was a struggle to let someone help me in all the ways I didn’t really know I needed help. As I started having less capacity, I had to realize that it doesn't work anymore. It was hard for me to acknowledge and ask for help. I think that’s something I am still coming to terms with, even with other relationships in my life.
Will: I think I’m learning and still learning how to get out of my head. I’m the kind of person who always has to visualize stuff before it happens. And this relationship is the first thing that I don’t do that with. Of course, we plan stuff, but I know it’s gonna be good regardless. It allows me to stay in the moment. If I can do that with this, which is the most important thing to me, why can’t I do that with other things?
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
What challenges have you faced together?
Will: For me, the preconceived challenge was living together. I’ve never lived with a woman before. Even in my previous relationship, it was long-distance. I’m also the type of person that likes my space, but as soon as she got here, that was out the window. It was so smooth it made me feel stupid for questioning it.
Amanda: I’m grateful to say we don’t necessarily have challenges between each other together. But we have been struggling with infertility and health issues. Our biggest challenge thus far is trying to get pregnant. Even articulating that makes me realize I’m grateful it hasn’t caused a rift between us. I think we have been able to face it in a healthy way. But that’s an example of how having someone else there can be helpful. I was so functional as a full-blown individual doing everything by myself.
So, in my head, I don’t need anyone, but having someone there who is happy to support me has taught me it’s okay to welcome that. It’s made us stronger because it’s taught us how we both function under duress – it’s good to know it’s not terrible (laughs).
"Our biggest challenge thus far is trying to get pregnant. Even articulating that makes me realize I’m grateful it hasn’t caused a rift between us. I think we have been able to face it in a healthy way."
What are some of the shared values that are important to your relationship?
Will: How we see life, what we’re here for, and how you’re supposed to treat people. It sounds really simple, but it’s not as common as you think.
Amanda: We value being really good people – without strings. We both don’t value money, but we value stability. So we don’t have to endure the “why are you not hustling” arguments. We were both stable people individually, and we came together. Also, we both value meaningful connections, alone time, reflection, and family. That guides us in what we do and how we build a life.
Finally, what is your favorite thing about each other?
Amanda: I’ll say one of my favorite things about him is that he’s brilliant. I view myself as a smart person, but in my head, he can do what I’m doing ten times faster. There are times I want to push myself to do stuff, and I’ll just ask him because I know he can do it. It’s incredible.
Will: My favorite thing about her is how people see her. Being a witness to how important she is to other people’s lives is amazing. Standing to the side and seeing how she affects them is really special.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy of Amanda Hicks and Will Ford
It really is kinda wild how, let’s go with the word “aggressive” for now, ultimatums are, and yet — I’ve been working with couples and writing on relationships long enough to say that it remains to be a steady go-to for so many people whenever they want to get their way. Even though, usually, it backfires on some level (I’ll explain in a sec), even though it really is a low-key threat, even though one definition of ultimatum is “a final, uncompromising demand” — people are still out here acting like, if they want to get what they want, issuing an ultimatum is the best way to go.
WRONG. People who have worked with me know that something that I will say, pretty much on loop, is just because something is familiar that doesn’t make it right. And when it comes to ultimatums, specifically, just because that’s what is popular, that doesn’t make it healthy. If you don’t agree, think about the last time someone issued you an ultimatum and how it made you feel (more on that in a sec, too). Yeah…exactly.
And yet, since it is such a widespread issue when it comes to romantic relationships, I’m gonna do my part to at least help folks to consider rewiring their approach whenever they are tempted to use an ultimatum to “move the needle” with someone. Because, believe you me, it will be better for you, your man, and your relationship in the long run if you intentionally decide to put ultimatums to the side.
Here’s why I say that.
Ultimatums Are Pretty Controlling in Nature. No One Likes to Be Controlled.
R
GiphyIt’s no secret that I’m a life coach (with a niche in marriage), that I became a PCC (Professional Certified Coach) this year, that I am currently getting certified to deal with trauma, and that penning my third book is all causing me to get that, more and more, people do things oftentimes simply because that’s how they were raised. They don’t even really stop to think if it’s beneficial or not — it’s simply all that they know…until another option is introduced into their psyche. And so, since so many of us were given ultimatums as children — you know, “Do this…or else” or “If you do that one more time, this is gonna happen” — and we were pretty much powerless to push back on the ultimatums (because we relied on those individuals for our basic needs to be met) since the people giving them to us professed to love us, we think that’s what love looks and acts like.
No time to get into all of the childhood layers of that (like the fact that a parent/child dynamic is very different than two grown adults or that even some parents weaponized their love in order to control their kids) — I’m just sharing that as a foundation for my overall point. And my point is, if you’re used to ultimatums coming with love, you will think that’s what you need to do when you love someone…and that simply isn’t the case.
When two adults truly care for and about each other, there shouldn’t be a lot of demanding going on. Demands are stressful. Demands are pressuring. Demands tend to have a super controlling tone to them. Not to mention the fact that demanding people are pretty difficult to deal with. They’re usually impatient. They don’t tend to compromise well. They typically refuse to see the other person’s point of view. They are inflexible. In short, they are triggering, draining, and annoying…overall.
What does that matter so long as your overall mission in making your demands gets accomplished? If that’s what you’re actually thinking, that’s your first flag that you need to do some serious internal pondering because, if you truly believe that you have to use some level of force in order to get what you want…are you really getting what you want…in the way that you truly want it? In other words, wouldn’t you prefer someone to do something because they choose to — not because you had to “take matters into your own hands,” make demands or control them, damn near like they were your own kids? If you’re still Elmo shrugging, I don’t know what else to tell you other than good luck with your struggle. Dealing with you is always gonna be a struggle.
Next point.
Here's Why Ultimatums Are Rooted in Either Control or Fear
GiphyIf while reading this, you’re already on some, “Shellie, that’s your opinion” — yeah, that’s not accurate either. Many mental health professionals frown upon people using ultimatums in order to get what they want from their partner.
One article I once read shares this:
“When someone hands out ultimatums, it’s a major sign that they are controlling and less concerned about your welfare than their own. This is a tell-tale sign of emotional abuse. Ultimatums go beyond the minor disagreements that couples normally experience. Forcing you to jump through hoops or do things that make you uncomfortable to ‘prove’ your love is unacceptable.”
“Ultimatums can be unhealthy if they are used frequently in a relationship to control the bounds of a partner's behavior… This can drastically undermine a partner's feeling of safety and security in a relationship, which leads to an unhealthy dynamic.”
Still another shares this:
“Ultimatums are a shortcut to getting what you need, without actually asking for what you need. This is why they don’t work–the receiver doesn’t know what you really want, they just know what behavior you want them to stop without knowing why. This information alone is rarely enough motivation to change our behavior.”
And believe you me, there is PLENTY more where all of this insight comes from. For now, I’ll say that my biggest takeaway is that ultimatums are usually rooted in manipulation and/or fear — and if you’re trying to manipulate a person, you honestly shouldn’t be in a relationship because that is based on very toxic energy (check out “Are You Being Manipulated? Are You Manipulative? Here's The Breakdown.”) and if it’s fear, well, the first thing that comes to my mind is a Scripture: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” (I John 4:18 — NKJV)
If you’re giving someone an ultimatum because you’re scared of what will happen if you don’t…do you actually love them as well or even as much as you think that you do? Bigger still, do you LOVE YOURSELF as well or as much as you should?
Listen, you can spend even 15 minutes on TikTok listening to some of those so-called life coaches and get all kinds of cosigns that control and fear-based decisions are the way to go. However, if you want a healthy relationship instead of an immediate approach to getting your way, you really need to avoid ultimatums because, one way or another, you’ll regret relying on them.
This brings me to my next point.
Whether Immediately or Eventually, Ultimatums in Relationships Backfire
GiphyJust yesterday, a life coach friend of mine and I were discussing ultimatums as it relates to marriage. When he asked me if I knew many men who got married under the guise of an ultimatum, he was surprised by my response: “Easily half of the men that I know proposed because they were given an ultimatum. Something like, ‘If you don’t propose to me this year, I’m leaving you.’”
After he said, “Wow,” I went on to explain that what’s crazy is, that a lot of the women who made that demand — or issued that threat — did end up getting married to the guy. Problem is, over time, it has put a wedge between them and their partner because he became low-key resentful as she ended up low-key not fully trusting that he loves her for her. Why? It’s simple: she had to issue a demand in order to get him to show it (at the time and level that she wanted it). Demanding love? Lawd.
See what I mean? I mean, if you’ve got to pressure a man to commit, how can you fully rest and relax in that commitment? Unfortunately, a lot of people are either so controlling or so scared that they don’t look into the future — right now is all that they care about. And because of that, the same mindset that got them what they wanted (or what they thought they wanted) starts to feed into insecurities, which can make people paranoid, which can cause folks to overthink, which almost always creates problems that don’t actually exist.
Ultimatums either play out that way OR the person who gives them keeps on doing it until the person on the receiving end gets so sick and tired of their ish that they tap out — if not literally, mentally, and emotionally.
Yeah, there are a whole lot of ways for ultimatums to totally backfire because, as my favorite character from Insecure (Chad) once said to Lawrence: “Pressure busts pipes.” Indeed. Far more than they ever create diamonds…if ultimatums are the driving force. SMDH.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should just sit around and hope that someday our man will give us what we want from them? That we should just gamble our time away?
Nope. And that brings me to my final point because there is certainly another approach, not just that you can take, but you absolutely should.
Remember, If You Have to Make an Ultimatum…WELL…
Hands down, one of my favorite wedding videography companies (and IG pages) is Iris Films — and hands down, one of my all-time favorite grooms that is featured by them is this guy (above). The confidence. The tailoring (LOL). The way he looks at his bride and the sheer excitement that she has to become his wife.
Y’all, I’ve been in this marriage life coaching and relationship writing game long enough to know that when a man is READY to be with a woman, NO ULTIMATUM IS NEEDED. He is coming strong, consistent, purpose-filled, clear, and prepared. He doesn’t need pressure. He doesn’t need control. He doesn’t need a list of demands. HE’S GOT IT COVERED. Ask any man who got married without an ultimatum, and I am confident that he will totally vouch for my point.
So, what’s the hold up with all of the rest of the brothas? I mean, what’s the opposite of not being ready? And next sentence — whatever the answer is, why is that your fault or even your problem? Are relationships about compromise and flexibility? 100 and 10 percent. Yet until you are married, you are responsible for you, not him and that means the main focus needs to be what you want, IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY READY FOR WHAT YOU WANT and what you’re willing to do, for yourself, if you’re not getting it.
Well, let me back up a bit — first, think about why you want what you want. For instance, shortly, I will be writing an article about the fact that a lot of women don’t actually want to be a wife…nah, what they want is a wedding. That’s why, six months in, so many of them are freaking out; it’s because they were so consumed by a diamond and a white party that they didn’t factor in all of the responsibilities that come with maintaining such a serious and long-term union.
Okay, yet if you think you are truly prepared and your partner either isn’t or doesn’t want what you want (which doesn’t make him the devil by the way; it’s also hella controlling to think that someone should want what you do simply because you want them to…again, think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed), making demands isn’t the way to go.
Express your feelings? Yes. Share your expectations? Sure. Then give him the respect of allowing him to do the same — and if the two of you aren’t on the same page, your job isn’t to “mother him into your will”…your job is to decide if you want to wait it out (the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing) or if it’s time to go. Not “go” in the sense of, “Give me what I want or I’m leaving!” — more like, “I love both of us enough that we should get what we both want, and this simply isn’t it for me…anymore.”
AND THEN MEAN IT. Because I promise you, taking any other approach, 8.5 times outta 10, is going to leave you always wondering if he decided to be with you for all of the reasons that you truly deserve — starting with, simply because he wants to and is ready to be.
___
Yeah, I really do hate ultimatums. Can you tell? More than anything, if you have to demand or threaten someone to get something, isn’t that your first sign that something is way off and that you should do some serious reevaluating? Isn’t that a huge indicator that you’re probably way more focused on achieving a goal than being with an actual person? Isn’t that a glaring reminder that love shouldn’t be so stressing or stressful?
Listen, I get why so many people go the ultimatum route; we live in a world that is filled to capacity with controlling, manipulative, and/or fear-filled individuals. All I’m saying is you don’t have to be one of them. Have faith that your love and all that comes with it is blessed enough that you don’t damn near have to bludgeon someone to death for them to get the memo about it.
State your needs. If “he” is not ready to meet it, that’s not universal rejection nor is it anything to fear. His not being ready for all that you have to offer is on him. Let him work that out for himself. Take the ultimatum off of the table and simply decide what you’re willing to provide based on what he is or isn’t ready for.
And then trust the Rumi quote — one of my favorites — that is oh so very true: “What you seek is seeking you.” And hear me, sis, what’s looking for you is ready…and it won’t need an ultimatum, and it won’t give YOU one either.
So please, clear the path for that instead of threatening other people. You clear the path by chilling out, ramping up self-care, and accepting that just like you want the freedom to make choices in your own time, others have the same right. And if you two are not choosing each other…that’s not an insult; it’s your reality. The season is shifting. Welcome it instead of fighting it. WHAT YOU SEEK IS SEEKING YOU. Be available for it to find you.
Then watch…when love is at the helm instead of fear…JUST. YOU. WATCH.
(...and then report back!) #wink
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by jessicaphoto/Getty Images
