

Many of us have heard the refrain “If he wanted to, he would” in response to relationship troubles with seemingly withholding men. It’s a phrase that says, “he’s just not into you.” But what if there’s a little more to the story? Though it’s certainly still a sign to move on, it does point to a missed conversation about the treatment of women.
"He does neglectful or bad things to you because he doesn't like you" ignores everything we've learned about abuse, control, trauma, and intimate partner violence. People's level of interest is not directly correlative to the treatment of their partners. It's actually a reflection of their inner state. In a world where misogyny exists, the increasingly poor treatment of women is not a coincidence or evidence of desire.
It is an expression of belief about how you engage the feminine. In the context of misogyny, how others engage women is often about power.
"If he wanted to, he would."
This is certainly true, but who is speaking to the broader culture and trend of neglectful men? What happens when men never seem to “want to” as a means of normalized engagement?
Are there benefits to men for not “wanting to,” such as creating a dating culture where they have to do less work?
Did it ever occur to you that, in many cases, he may actually be grooming you for cycles of abuse using “pick-up tactics” and/or it is his own fear that keeps his heart small? That many men are taught to continuously deliver low so that the bare minimum feels very big? That cold selfishness is taught to men in capitalist society as a means of survival and identity? That the denial of your own heart's desire is on purpose? That it's not about want, but fear and control? That many men are only taught to relate to women by withholding?
We’ve all been there, men who make us jump through rings of fire for extremely “mid” or even abusive relationships.
Most of us have experienced partners who refuse to acknowledge our needs and humanity because it keeps us small and them in control. Even in cases where carelessness is not intentional, society rewards men for careless behavior. Instead of sanctioning that behavior as undesirable, we label the women as “not desirable enough” to elicit care from a man. Instead of collectively raising the bar of poor behavior and communally calling men to task who exhibit poor behavior, we place the burden of desire on women.
This is not an isolated experience. Men everywhere seem to have collectively created a standard of lack.
Women increase our level of care, hoping that it will eventually lead to better treatment and intimacy while withholding men rest and dangle an emotional carrot on a stick.
They benefit, while women are pressured to constantly perform desirability to men’s tastes because it’s linked to our humanity, survival, and the care we receive. Then it’s taken for granted that for some women, those deemed beneath the patriarchal valuation of “worthy,” men rarely ever seem to “want to.”
Tiered kindness in dating treatment is a method of control.
It says that some people are more worthy of care, depending on how much they inspire our desire. It says that others are merely for our pleasure and therefore deserving of a denial of resources while we engage them. Those with more societal power can pull back positive treatment at their own whims and give it to those they deem “worthy,” as opposed to honoring women they engage as a value system. (Even when those women fall outside the realm of their “desire.”)
Practicing a system of care as a broader social value means that it can no longer be apportioned according to the ever-changing whims of men and their patriarchal standards. Poor or careless treatment is often used to damage a woman’s self-esteem so that her partner can remain in control and not have to show up entirely. Sometimes, the carelessness is the point. It’s an entry point into manipulation by manufacturing desperation and establishing a low bar. It’s a way of re-establishing and reinforcing existing power dynamics and reminding women of “place.”
A partner who has been careless with others is not in the practice of love, so where one suffers, all do.
This practice rarely springs up for the “right woman” in a way that is sustainable over a long period. Selfishness towards anyone you date will appear elsewhere because "liking" people is something that fluctuates. We can make the mistake of thinking we are above the dangers of misogynist dating culture because we are too smart, pretty, or societally celebrated, but this is ultimately a house built on sand and others’ ever-shifting desires.
Where systems of care as cultural norms are absent, all eventually suffer.
We are often all too quick to blame women for whatever happens to us in the space of our innocence and learning. Not "liking" someone isn't an excuse to treat people poorly and for society to then put the blame on the recipient of the behavior. Many of us are trained from an early age that to be a woman means to do the labor of deciphering emotionally unavailable and cryptic men.
Men are taught to shut down and withhold their feelings, and women are taught to do the work for them and adjust.
Establishing a “normal” or a baseline to judge what is happening around us can, in fact, be very difficult, especially when the world does its best to keep us disconnected from our own hearts, and “normal” is often really bad. It’s especially difficult when everything women do is scrutinized and quickly punished. When we “see it coming” and state our case, women are accused of being harpies that are overly critical of men. When we don’t, we are blamed for whatever happened to us and asked, “Why didn’t you know better?” People say you should see everything coming as a woman when it comes to men.
A better analogy is that you always have to navigate some tricky territory as a woman. You're wading through the river, and it suddenly dips off into a deep current, and the water is over your head. You thought you had it, but you ain’t got it. Others are quick to tell us all the ways we are inferior for failing to avoid the violence of others, often in the guise of tough love. Sometimes you fall in the river when you are learning how to swim.
A lot of “tough love” is actually just people’s frustration with your process. Which is just frustration with their own process and the process of life in general. Abuse and withholding in relationships with men can be a deeply ingrained issue that actually has little to do with the person on the receiving end. Sometimes it’s just easier for others and ourselves to say, “he’s not into me” to expedite the stickiness and complication of feeling stuck. We lash out with our own feelings of helplessness and convince people, especially women, it’s for their own good.
The point here isn't the person's level of interest, it’s that this is the way they behave relationally as a human being. They believe the standard of care and humanity for those you deal with is based on the amount of pleasure you can currently extract. They have a tier system for humanity. Often, even within these societally constructed tiers, every person has their own code.
You can never truly know "why" someone is treating you poorly and SEEMINGLY showing care to others, but you can acknowledge it’s a reflection of their own inner state and not you. From there, you can begin to take steps that ensure your own well-being, whatever that looks like for you.
The journey to that care can be a long one.
People often trivialize the journey of being and becoming a woman. It’s a remarkable and complex experience. We can’t pretend anyone has all the answers to avoid heartbreak or survive patriarchal cultures because they don’t. No one’s cracked the code.
After being left so cold by men and the world, so many of us are in need of healthy, generous, patient, and warm lovemaking.
Women and the feminine everywhere are starving for genuine connections and intimacy. We are in need of a return to self, based in radical love and community and lovers that reflect that process. The path there is not to slam women down for misreading the behavior of others but to acknowledge that their behavior does not define us.
We are courageous, fearless, gorgeous, and vital, even despite the best attempts to thwart our divine becoming.
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Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
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Feature image by Antonio Livingston.
Dry January may be over for some, but for others, sobriety is a lifestyle. Non-alcoholic spirits like Ritual and Free AF are becoming more popular and even temperance bars (dry bars, sober bars) are popping up around the world. Resorts are also taking note as many are putting wellness front and center by offering mocktails and incorporating yoga and other mindfulness practices.
The Expedia Group reported that more than 40% of travelers have said they're likely to book a detox trip within the next year. If you're one of the travelers looking for a wellness vacation, check out these 10 spots below.
Bimini, Bahamas
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Resorts World Bimini recently introduced its Wellness Weekends with Shay Williams, a local Pilates Instructor, and Sound Healer. Guests can enjoy a private pilates class and sound healing session for $269 per person.
Aruba
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Aruba Marriott Resort offers soothing aloe-based treatments at the island's largest spa. Their Lobby Bar also has a signature mocktail menu with options like the Strawberry Cooler.
Curaçao
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Curaçao is located near Earth's main vortexes, which are considered the world's chakras and/or portals making the island a strong energetic hub. Speak with one of the local gurus or enjoy a blissful spa day, at the captivating 8, The Experience. The spa features services like chakra-balancing, stress-fixing massages, and more.
Bellevue, Washington
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Bellevue is a quaint and charming city surrounded by nature's beauty. Travelers can kayak on Lake Washington or hike the snow-capped mountains of the North Cascades. It's also home to the iconic Bellevue Club Hotel, which features an athletic club and spa.
Adairsville, Georgia
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Barnsley Resort is the perfect escape from city life. It's located at the foot of the Blue Ridge Mountains and guests can enjoy horseback riding, hiking trails, golfing, and canoeing with a mocktail in hand.
Cape Cod, MA
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Holistic health lovers may want to visit Ocean Edge Resort & Golf Club, which introduced new year-round wellness retreats, helmed by wellness expert and Retreat Sales Manager Liza Bertini. The retreat offers a range of fitness classes like yoga and pilates as well as programs catered to sober-curious people, grief and other health issues.
Lake Atitlán, Guatemala
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Lake Atitlán is recognized as one of the most spiritual places in the world and Casa Palopó is located right on the edge. The luxury boutique is one of the only two Relais & Chateaux hotels in Guatemala. With only 15 rooms and a 3-bedroom villa, guests can roam the lush grounds and take-in panoramic views of the lake and the surrounding three volcanoes. Some of the resorts' activities include a Maya blessing ceremony, yoga, or volunteering at nearby villages.
Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
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The Westin Resort & Spa Puerto Vallarta recently underwent a huge renovation that includes a refreshed treatment menu and facilities like cold pools, steam room, and sauna. Guests can enjoy oceanfront yoga, running and walking paths, tennis, and a flora-inspired mocktail menu at Bar Flora.
Baja California, Mexico
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At Kimpton Mas Olas Resort & Spa in Todos Santos, guests can create their own custom essential oils and scrubs at the resort's apothecary workshops or they can indulge in holistic treatments in the spa. Other wellness-focused activities include daily yoga, meditation, and fitness classes.
Punta Mina, Mexico
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Detox and reset at W Punta de Mita, which is a located on Mexico's most iconic surf breaks. There's holistic remedy-inspired mocktails, ice bath therapy, and spiritual Cacao Ceremonies designed to reconnect mind, body, and spirit. And, of course, surfing is a must.
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