In this modern era, establishing romantic connections has become increasingly challenging. From knowing what to say on the first date to knowing when to make things official, the rules have changed and this ain’t the same dating game that led to our parents falling in love and starting a family.
Because times are hard and dating is harder, we had to look to an expert to help us understand when that casual fling becomes something serious. So we chatted with Karina F. Daves, a relationship coach who has made it her mission to teach women how to enjoy more satisfying partnerships.
As a relationship coach, Daves leverages her experience as a former social worker and adjunct professor of women’s studies to teach women how to strategically evaluate their personal identity, values, and standards so that they can elevate their relationships and themselves.
She tells xoNecole, “You should not be with somebody for their potential. The key is being with somebody for their patterns. Instead of looking at it as one specific milestone, look at it as there are multiple patterns at which this person is showing you what role they want to play, what their values are.”
"You should not be with somebody for their potential. The key is being with somebody for their patterns."
Daves’ work has amassed more than 240,000 followers across her social media platforms, and her videos have reached close to 25 million and half a million alone this month.
According to the relationship coach, some key indicators that a relationship is going from casual to serious are:
“You talk about it going to a serious level, and you talk about intentions. Intentions are very clear in a relationship that is serious. At this point, you intend to date each other either for fun or you're dating for marriage. This is something that is very comfortably talked about.” She adds, “You enter each other's worlds fully. This means that you meet people in each other's world, but you also become part of their routine. You're not a task that they have to do, you are just a normal part of their day-to-day life."
“You're not a task that they have to do, you are just a normal part of their day-to-day life.”
War Love GIF by ShowmaxGiphyIn terms of how partners can communicate effectively about their expectations and intentions as a relationship becomes more serious, Daves shares:
“You will want to become serious by being vulnerable and having this conversation. Before the actual communication part occurs, you have to identify what it is that you want this relationship to be. What is it that you want out of a future partnership?”
Daves emphasizes the need for clear communication and suggests doing away with the potential you see in the person and instead focusing on what you want in love. "This is an opportunity for that person to say that's not who they are and that they can't give you that."
"Relationships should also be fun. We do not want to forget that these conversations can be serious, but also a source of fun and joy. They do not need to feel heavy. If you see that they are joyful, this can be a good indicator of what the rest of the relationship would be like when you're getting ready to have serious conversations," Daves concludes.
We know that specific milestones or stages in a relationship can help signify its deepening commitment; Daves has these tips for navigating these transitions:
Introducing one another to each other's worlds can be a big indicator that the relationship you share is getting serious. "When you start meeting each other’s friends and families, this is a big milestone and a vulnerable place to be." Another sign that things are getting serious is openly professing the "L" word. "Communication is significant as far as proclaiming that you love your partner. These are really big milestones that shouldn't be forced."
Speaking of communication, Daves adds that “another big indicator is how you overcome your first moment of misalignment. This is a huge indicator of the rest of the triumphs that you will face. Were you both open? Did you both feel safe sharing? Did you respect each other's point of view? How did you resolve the issue?”
"Communication is significant as far as proclaiming that you love your partner. These are really big milestones that shouldn't be forced."
In Love Kiss GIF by NBCGiphyLastly, Daves suggests assessing one another's level of emotional investment:
One of the ways Daves suggests we assess the level of emotional investment is by doing a simple activity called “eggs in a basket.”
This activity involves discussing important and valued aspects of a relationship. Daves explains, “The way to assess the level of emotional investment is to test their heart posture. 'Heart posture' is referring to where their heart stands when it comes to this relationship and how it logically has made sense of it all.”
In those instances, ask each other the following questions:
- Do you feel clear about our intentions and where our relationship is going?
- Do you see me as a life partner?
- Are we past potentially seeing us together to understand each other's patterns and choosing to make that commitment?
- Are we a part of our life’s plan?
- Do you still have individual goals?
“This isn’t just about seeing their investment in the relationship but also how they’re choosing to invest in themselves as people. You don’t want a partner that will lose themselves in the relationship because you won’t have a partner anymore, you’ll have someone to parent,” Daves said.
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- 7 Signs You're Not Ready For A Serious Relationship ›
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So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
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What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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xoMAN started as an Instagram Live series and is now a full-cast production, with Walker as the host. Initially, she was skeptical about joining as the new host of xoMan. Not because she doesn’t have the chops to thrive in the role, but because coming in on something that wasn’t her original idea initially seemed daunting for the media personality.
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“I was like, this is a cool concept, so I’m so glad that they decided to turn it into a podcast,” Walker tells xoNecole. “It’s been interesting to take somebody else’s idea and try to turn it into a thing, put it together, and bring it to fruition. I am anxious, nervous, and all things, but above all, I’m excited.”
When xoNecole's managing editor Sheriden Garrett approached Walker to take on the position, it felt like fate. She had previously attempted to get Garrett on her CockTales platform about six or seven years ago due to her expertise in the love and relationship space.
“I was like, wait, y’all listen to the show? And you want me to host a show where I’m only talking to men? And I’m listening to them and not giving them a hard time? I say that because sometimes I feel like, on my show, I may come off like I don’t even like men," she says.
"I love men, but it can be frustrating sometimes on that platform, social media, and other places when they continue to regurgitate the same rhetoric about what I like to call Twitter topics, like constantly talking about who’s paying as a man, as a woman. You should do this. You should do that…It’s been cool hearing the stories with the men we’ve spoken to so far at xoMAN, hearing these stories, and hearing them let their guards down.”
A Howard graduate, Walker almost didn’t enter the world of media after listening to advice from elders who said she would make a great lawyer because she loves to debate topics and sometimes argue (haha).
"It’s been cool hearing the stories with the men we’ve spoken to so far at xoMAN, hearing these stories, and hearing them let their guards down.”
After traveling to the nation’s capital to study political science, Walker soon discovered that her only motivation for becoming an attorney was the potential income and witnessing how boss women like Erika Alexander’s Maxine Shaw character on Living Single would look in their suits as career women.
“I realized that this was for real,” she says, studying law at Howard. “This is a lot of work, and when you think about what you do, I was like, this is not a performance, and I just wanted to talk. I wasn’t trying to defend anyone.”
A visit to a fair showcasing the different organizations on Howard’s campus, combined with her affinity for celebrity gossip and entertainment news, ultimately led Walker to explore a radio career. Soon, she auditioned for a show and landed the gig. By the spring semester, she was on the radio, ultimately leading her to switch her major to journalism with a concentration in broadcast news.
Soon after earning her degree in the field, Walker decided she didn’t want to do anything related to hard news. Instead, she became involved in lifestyle content. She used her friends' love of hearing her stories to motivate her to get into podcasting.
The rest is, as they say, history.
“Before podcasts became what they are, I was in a living room with a microphone before ultimately moving to a studio and refining the show. I loved it and knew people were listening because I monitored the analytics and everything," she explains.
"When we decided to do a live show, the show sold out in two weeks, and I was so nervous. I was like, 'Are we ready? Are we gonna be able to sell out this venue?' We didn’t have any sponsorship. We were still independent and had to front the money for everything.”
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“When they sold out in two weeks, not only did I price my tickets too low, but I thought, wow, we’ve got something. I was like, people spent money to hear me and my co-host talking about our shitty love lives. This is wild, all from an idea in my head. It made me feel like I was on the right path and encouraged me to stop doubting myself. I have imposter syndrome," she reveals.
"Even to this day, I’m constantly biased. But it’s like, if not me, then who? And, like, why not me? If people can do it with way less and way more. I’ve been trying to encourage myself and other people to eliminate the doubt that we have in ourselves so we can do whatever it is we want to do. I love it. No matter how many sleepless nights I have, I will continue to have bags under my eyes until the end of time because I’m enjoying it.”
"I have imposter syndrome. Even to this day, I’m constantly biased. But it’s like, if not me, then who? And, like, why not me? If people can do it with way less and way more. I’ve been trying to encourage myself and other people to eliminate the doubt that we have in ourselves so we can do whatever it is we want to do."
In between garnering a strong social media presence for her work as a podcast host, lifestyle influencer, and beyond, Walker has managed to use her many gifts and talents, like cooking, and most importantly, giving a strong opinion about the things she does (or doesn’t) believe in to carve out a lane of her own.
As she embarks on this chapter as the host of xoMAN, where she has already spoken with actors Devale Ellis and Skyh Black and Dear Future Wifey podcast host Laterras R. Whitfield, Walker hopes that it encourages people, especially women, to look at their male counterparts from a different perspective.
“I hope that anyone listening can listen to the first few episodes, hear how different each man is, and learn to let down whatever preconceived notions you have about me or a specific man, whoever it is in your life," she says. "Just listen, talk to them, ask them how they feel, and listen with an open mind, without thinking that you already know what the answer is.”
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xoMAN officially launches on Tuesday, June. 17.
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