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Sis, Would You Shoot Your Shot?
I came across a post with the question, "Sis, would you shoot your shot?" on The Shaderoom's Instagram page a few weeks ago and was surprised that most of the responses were women refusing to step to men they were interested in.
One comment even included the Bible verse, "HE who FINDS a wife finds a good thing." Admittedly, I can understand how difficult dating might be since the last time I was in the game was over ten years ago. Still, it baffled me that in a world of left and right swiping dating apps, Plenty of Fish, Nev and Max saving love lives on MTV's Catfish, and everything else that has attempted to make meeting the person of your dreams an easier process, some women are still butthurt about not yet landing their soulmate. However, instead of getting in the game, they're benching themselves. It's true:
You lose all the games you never play.
As someone who ended up marrying the last man I shot my shot at, I can attest to the fact that sometimes finding happiness and love is a matter of opening your mouth and making moves to make it happen. When I first met my husband (before I even entertained him being the man I may marry one day), I swear to you that man moved in slow motion, like we were in a nineties romcom like Boomerang or Mo' Money. When I was in my early twenties, I was hanging out one night with a friend from high school doing hood rat things like driving around the city just because we could and getting banana milkshakes from Checkers at 3 AM. At one point of the evening, my friend beeped at and flagged down an old school emerald green Chevy mustang with dark tinted windows. Both cars pulled over and from the Mustang stepped out his former classmate, now known as my husband.
All I saw was a white tank top clinging to his abs and the girl he was riding with at the time step out of the passenger side in some distressed booty shorts that humid July night. I remembered her outfit since apparently, she got out for no real damn reason other than to be seen because she didn't even engage in conversation with my friend. However, my attention was quickly back on Future Hubby because he was sexy as hell, but I definitely remember thinking at the time, 'there's no way he has any swag whatsoever because he's friends with THIS dude.' Don't get me wrong, my friend was cool but there was a reason he had Monopoly hotels in the friend zone for the past six or so years.
Fast forward to months later and we all began regularly hanging out (minus homegirl in the booty shorts who I later learned was just "some girl" he was messing with). We enjoyed exchanging dark jokes, watching and reciting famous lines from cult classics like Menace to Society and Set It Off and before I knew it, I got to know best friend better. Then one day, it hit me like a ton of bricks, "Damn, I think I'm feeling this dude."
At first, it was purely physical attraction as he tried to respect the insinuated boundaries our mutual friend we nicknamed "Friend-Zoned" put forth, hoping one day I'd lose my damn mind and realize the one meant for me was right by my side all along. (Spoiler alert: That clearly wasn't the case and the one for me kept getting tickets for those damn tinted windows damn near up to the day we got engaged). It was on me to make the first move and one day, I popped up at his door without "Friend-Zoned" to make my intentions clear to which he responded he felt the same way, and you already know how that story ended. However, 'till this day I can't confidently say I would've ended up with my husband had I not made a decision to shoot my shot and see where things went. For all we know, he could've been married to "Booty Shorts" by now if I didn't speak up.
Part of me has control and patience issues. I am a firm believer in creating opportunities when it comes to both my professional life and personal life. And sometimes to a fault, I apply the concept that if a door doesn't open for you, you swing in like Miley Cyrus with the help of a wrecking ball and give yourself a garage. At times, my impulsiveness and need for control has led to rash decisions but most of the time, fortune favors my bold moves. When it comes to love and relationships, I often apply the same mindset: The worse answer I could get is a "No." But life is short and a part of risk-taking is rejection, and I've survived worse things than rejection. Unfortunately, I'm noticing a trend where women will avoid saying, "Good morning" to a man they're interested in rather than risk rejection. The thing is, in my experience, most men are not going to shut you down disrespectfully on some, "Naw, I'm good because your shoes are garbage and box braids are my thing."
If a man parts his lips to tell you some nonsense like this, he probably wasn't worth your effort in the first place. I've been literally shooting my shot since high school and while dudes from grade school homeroom carelessly shut down girls they weren't interested in because they cared about getting a laugh from their friends more, most grown men will at least take your efforts with flattery and respond with good old-fashioned manners. Listen, a man's response to your efforts should always be positive, even if they don't return those same feelings and don't always take that personal either. Something else to consider: Not every man out there has the charm of Drake, the class of John Legend, and the swag of Idris Elba.
The only reason many men are so comfortable shooting their shot is because they've been socialized to take rejection and keep it pushing.
Think of all the men who have sent you drinks only to realize you've snuck out the backdoor, or all the dudes who went to text you only to receive a prompt reply from Domino's Pizza. If all men allowed rejection to stop them dead in their tracks, none of us would probably be linking up. If lack of confidence is holding you back from asking that brother with the light eyes and dreads from your Sociology class to lunch, or keeping you from sliding in Jay Ellis's DMs, remember this:
Confidence is not about always about making your shot but knowing you're still the ish even when you miss.
Something else I realized while reading responses to this post was how much dating lacks communication these days. I literally read responses that said, "If I like three of your pics in a row, we go together." With all of the direct messaging, tagging, and video chats that may actually lead up to seeing each other in person, some things are clearly getting lost in translation.
I understand being reserved and even introverted, but we can't possibly have come this far as women and liberated sexual creatures, and still be waiting in a tower for a prince to ride in on a white horse and shoot his shot. I'm all for prayer, having faith, and trusting the process but I also think the pursuit of happiness applies to listening to your heart (and sometimes other bodily organs as well), taking a leap, and going after the things you want.
The thing about shooting your shot is that the more you do it, the easier it becomes, whether you're landing baskets from half court or watching air balls fall before your eyes. And as a last very cliched reminder, having the courage and confidence to take bold shots both on and off the court can sometimes land you a ring, at least in my case it did.
Don't be afraid or too arrogant to get your head in the game, because if you're lucky your #MCM's heart may just follow.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In ShamblesÂ
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his fatherâa topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a âfamily radical healing coach,â played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapistâs eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesnât go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest â his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. Itâs one of those popular sayings (kind of like âIt is what it isâ) that I find myself using a lot, especially when Iâm in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, itâs kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because itâs an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out âWhat It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'â). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying âeverywhere you go, there you areâ is using the math term âcommon denominatorâ â and today, what weâre going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isnât the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before itâs all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, âWhen patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.â
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men youâve dated, what youâve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case â why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled âThese Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.â You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own âblind spotsâ â and they can â eh hem â take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If youâre constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people donât get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if youâre always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while itâs out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, âBy humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.â (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when youâre humble â youâre grateful; youâre teachable; youâre open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; youâre compassionate and empathetic; youâre flexible; youâre forgiving, and youâre able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesnât keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly donât know what does. Thereâs a client that I have right now who only contacts me when sheâs basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a manâs looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she âuh-huh'sâ me and then does what she wants to do anyway â only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havocâŠagain.
Itâs another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, Iâll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your âTypeâ?
The reason why I wrote âAccording To Experts, We All Have A âTypeââ back in the day is because itâs true â pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; thereâs absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, Iâm advising, from very up close and personal experience, that itâs a good idea to spend some time pondering âthe origin storyâ of where your type came from.
Me? Iâm always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, Iâm a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. SoâŠsee what I mean? My type didnât just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesnât mean itâs not true.
Now my late fiancĂ©? He was right at about 6â and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though â and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and donât let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I donât limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting â potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
âHealedâ is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, itâs important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you arenât, you very well could be reliving it over and overâŠand over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that weâre all on the same page, the word âhealâ means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you donât think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; youâve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you â and no, thatâs not always one and the same), and you donât pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, âI donât want to do [such and such] for a first date. Thatâs what my ex liked to do.â The new guy isnât him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, âI donât trust men who wonât let me go through their phone. Thatâs how I found out my ex was cheating.â You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure donât want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I donât go through phones. For what? I donât pay the bill and Iâm not anyoneâs parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesnât automatically mean that heâs up to no good â he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? Itâs weird because, sometimes you will go back to whatâs familiar to you â because the new guy is such a risk, youâd prefer to âstick to the devil you knowâ than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. Itâs a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once youâve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesnât automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word âwrongâ can mean that something or someone isnât morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or â and please catch it â out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who arenât appropriate, arenât in accordance with your needs or standards, or who arenât what you need at the time â why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that itâs not good enough to be abstract about someone being âwrongâ for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is â again â you chose him. Why do you choose whatâs wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out âQuestion: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?â Learning the difference between âtoâ and âforâ took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that youâve healed is you donât generalize men. Meaning, that if youâre out here declaring that there arenât any good ones, thatâs not true; youâre just jaded (I mean, itâs the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if youâre constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arieâs âGood Manâ). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsibleâŠgoodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate â satisfactory to the purpose (yes, thatâs a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things arenât going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say itâs the manâs fault. If thereâs a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, youâd be amazed by how much about you shifts â to where the wrong guys canât even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the âcommon denominatorâ you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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