Sex is a vital part of any romantic relationship — it deepens bonds and enhances a sense of intimacy between partners.
As a woman, saying what you want, how you want it, and when can come with its own set of communication hoops to jump through. And studies show that this could be by design.
According to a study by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, in more than 60% of couples, men initiated more often than women; in 30% of couples, initiation was equally divided between partners; and in those remaining, the women initiated more frequently.
With these studies showing a pattern of men initiating sex more frequently than their wives or girlfriends, it makes you wonder: how can women find their initiation style?
“If you are unsure how to initiate sex with your partner, the first step is to talk about it by creating an open sex-positive dialogue,” Dr. Jacqueline Sherman, a licensed psychologist and intimacy and relationship coach, tells xoNecole. “Talking about initiation styles opens the door for greater overall communication around sex in your relationship. It’s like the gateway to better sex!”
Hitting the right communication stride when talking to your partner about your sexual needs opens the floor for “additional intimacy-building conversations,” which Dr. Jacqueline says can include frequency of sex and types of touch that you do and don’t like. “These discussions can improve your sex life, and do wonders for your connection and relationship.”
At first try, the idea of being more forward and vocal about sex can feel foreign or even awkward, but using physical cues for initiation, similar to foreplay, can help you and your partner ease into the flow of intimacy.
Dr. Jacqueline recommends these four methods to set the mood:
- Touch yourself (engage in self-pleasure) in front of your partner.
- With consent, touch your partner in an erotic way, creating sexual pleasure for them.
- Grab your partner’s hands and place them on your body, showing them what feels good to you sexually.
- Engage in a long, passionate kiss. In fact, for women, research shows that kissing during foreplay increases the likelihood of orgasm.
For every stage of your relationship, from a new boyfriend or girlfriend to navigating married life, understanding your and your partner’s initiation styles can create a more harmonious sex life. If you find you and your partner might have a mismatched style of initiation, be assured that it’s not only a normal experience but a fixable one as well.
“Once an individual understands that their partner may have a different initiation style, they can use that knowledge to create flexibility (regarding how sex is initiated) in the relationship,” she says. “Both partners should become aware of how they enjoy initiating and what their partner likes best. Once there is understanding that there is a discrepancy, the couple should agree to incorporate both unique initiation styles into their sex life.”
Each style highlights the unique ways individuals express desire and seek intimacy, and here’s how to find yours:
The Talker:
“Some people love to give clear, verbal invitations for sex. This is their foreplay.”
The Toucher:
“Others are turned off by words; they would rather be turned on with a prolonged kiss or graze of the skin. They prefer physical touch.”
The Subtle Partner:
“These individuals enjoy flirting, caressing, and accidental touching.”
The Direct Partner:
“Others prefer directly asking (want to have sex?). Sometimes a simple 'you in the mood for a quickie?' can go a long way.”
The Surprise Initiator:
“Some people prefer spontaneity. They would prefer not having a heads up, and enjoy being caught off guard.”
The Prepared Initiator:
“Some people want to know when to expect sex, so they can properly prepare for the initiation. They usually tend to be a planner.”
Since we’re all human, not every time you make a move on your partner will receive the green light, but remaining open and being comfortable with a “not right now” can soothe feelings of rejection and eliminate any guesswork.
“In most relationships, we initiate the way that we want our partner to initiate. Asking your partner the simple question… ‘What is your favorite way for me to initiate sex?’ can give you some tangible ideas and be a fun way to overcome awkwardness and deepen your dialogue around intimacy,” she says.
Whether you’re making out, hooking up, or making love, understanding and respecting your partner's preferences for initiating sex will leave you both satisfied and keep your sex life as it should be: extra hot.
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Featured image by Chad Baker/Jason Reed/Ryan McVay
Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Colman Domingo’s Career Advice Is A Reminder That Our Words Shape Our Reality
When it comes to life, we are always here for a good reminder to shift our mindsets, and Colman Domingo just gave us one we didn't know we needed.
In a resurfaced clip from an appearance at NewFest shared as a repost via Micheaux Film Festival, the Emmy award winner dropped a gem on how he has navigated his decades-spanning career in Hollywood. The gem in question? Well, Colman has never identified with "struggle" in his career. Let that sit.
Colman Domingo On Not Claiming Struggle
"I’ve never said that this career was tough. I’ve never said it was difficult. I’ve never said it was hard," Colman said. "Other people would say that—‘oh, you're in a very difficult industry. It's very hard to get work and book work.’ I’m like, I’ve never believed that."
Instead of allowing himself to be defined by other people's projections about their perceptions of what the industry is or was, Colman dared to believe differently even if his reality was playing catch up with his dreams:
"Like Maya Angelou said words are things. And if you believe that, then that's actually what it is. Actually I've just never believed it. Someone told me some years ago, they said, 'I remember you were, you're a struggling actor.' I'm like, 'I don't.'"
"I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living..."
He continued:
"Even when I was bartending and hustling and not having opportunities or anything, I never believed that I was struggling because I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living and creating and being curious."
Colman’s philosophy of attaching to living instead of struggle has blossomed into an enduring career. He first made his mark on stage in acclaimed Broadway productions before transitioning to the screen, where his star began to rise in the 2010s following his role as Victor Strand in Fear The Walking Dead. From there, his presence only grew, landing memorable supporting roles in If Beale Street Could Talk, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, and the hit series Euphoria.
In more recent years, Colman has stepped fully into the spotlight with standout leading performances in Rustin and Sing Sing, both of which earned him widespread critical acclaim and Academy Award nominations for Best Actor.
With all that said, Colman's advice is no doubt powerful, especially for those who are chasing their dreams, building something from the ground up, or have question marks about what's next in their careers. Words shape our realities, and how we speak about our journeys even in passing matters.
Words Create Our Reality & Colman Is Living Proof
"I tell young people that. To remember the words that you say about yourself and your career are true. So, I choose to make it full of light and love and it's interesting and every day I'm going to learn something new even if it looks like I don't have what I want but it's important to be in the moment... you really build on the moments moment to moment.
"And you're looking back at your career as I've been in it for what 33 years and you're like, 'Wow, that's what I've been doing.' And I've stayed strong to that so I think that is truly my advice."
Let this be your sign to give your path a reframe. When the path you're on feels uncertain, the journey is still unfolding. Like Colman said: "I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living."
That's a Black king right there.
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