Not too long ago, while being interviewed, I was first given a compliment and then asked a question. The compliment was, "You seem to have a lot of wisdom in your words." The question was, "How do you keep from getting arrogant whenever people tell you that?" Anyone who writes in the self-help lane knows that writing can be its ultimate form of therapy. In other words, more times than not, when I'm writing on things like self-esteem, self-awareness and relationships, I am getting my own self free just as much as I am trying to free others. Therefore, there is no time or even reason to get cocky. The messages are typically for the messenger—first. And y'all, no truer words could be spoken than when it comes to this…topic…right…here.
If I could find a way to turn the phrase "taken for granted" into my license plate, believe me, I would. I have spent more time than I'd care to admit feeling just that way. Honestly, it's probably only been the past couple of years or so that I've gotten away from being in that kind of head and heart space. A part of what's changed is I've spent time studying things like codependency and narcissism (when those two kinds of people come together, you can best believe it's gonna be a hot mess!). Another thing that went down is I've been more intentional about taken "relationship inventory" on a regular basis; I've evaluated if my relationships are mutually healthy and mutually beneficial on an annual basis. And, perhaps most importantly, I've made the decision to not put myself in the position where I feel taken for granted any longer. And just how did I pull that off? Well, that's where this article comes in.
If you look up the actual definition of "taken for granted", it says this—"to expect someone or something to be always available to serve in some way without thanks or recognition; to value someone or something too lightly". If you feel like people don't recognize or appreciate you, which ultimately means that they don't value what you bring into their life, there's no time like the present to make a few changes so that you can stop feeling like that. So that you can actually get to the point of believing—and then living your life like—something that actor and singer Mae West once said—"I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked."
In order to do that, you have to see the patterns that are creating this type of outcome. Over the course of the next few minutes, I'll share four of my own relationships, the patterns that I recognized and how they helped me to stop feeling taken for granted all of the time (by them).
Four Relationships That Took Me for Granted and How I Got Free
(*Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Guilty*)
*APRIL: “Being taken for granted is an unpleasant but sincere form of praise. Ironically, the more reliable you are, and the less you complain, the more likely you are to be taken for granted.”—Gretchen Rubin
This. Chick. Right. Here. If there is a relationship that is the poster child example of what it means to be taken for granted, she would be it. Looking back, I think it was because, when we met, things were already off-balance. My self-esteem was pretty low and that always subjected me to what I call "pretty girl syndrome". Meaning, I would be so enamored when a so-called pretty girl even paid me a bit of attention. It was kind of like when the mean girl clique at school lets you sit at their table. You are so busy feeling validated that you don't even notice the web that they are spinning around you; the agenda that they have already conjured up. Then you're so grateful that they pay you any attention at all that you end up being a fan more than a friend; you end up giving way more than you receive.
And here's the thing about these types of dynamics. It's not like there aren't some good times and good memories. Matter of fact, it's those that keep you around far more than you should. But it's just that, when you sit back and think about all that you've done vs. what they've done in return, things don't add up. To tell you the truth, I'm embarrassed by how much money I spent on my "friendship" with April. Over the course of several years, it's been literally thousands of dollars. Meanwhile, I have a five-dollar ring that she bought at some museum and supposedly she bought a pack of lip gloss for me one Christmas that she lost. Not only did she lose it, she was extremely flippant about it when she told me. Countless times she would invite me to her house and fall asleep while I was talking, invite me to lunch and then ask me to foot the bill, and would cry on my shoulder whenever one of her own so-called friends would mistreat her, only to "halfway see me" once they reconciled. In short, it was a friendship of convenience for her and total inconvenience for me. No wonder I felt totally taken for granted.
These kind of people? They aren't the ones who can hear that they are taking you for granted. That's because if you're not constantly telling them about how awesome they are, they are going to play the victim and act like you are attacking them (or are jealous of them). So usually, the best thing to do is just…release them. Not cut them off (that is such a violent way of handling things); just, stop investing so much when you're not getting the same type of time, effort and energy in return.
These days, whenever I see April, as one of my boys say, "It's love" in the sense that she doesn't piss me off. Nor do I even try and avoid her. At the same time, I'm not proactive about the relationship anymore either. One thing about remaining close to those who take you for granted is they can drain you to the point where you're not as available to those who actually do pour into your life; which isn't fair to your true friends. Basically, I give April the same type of energy she gives me, which isn't much, which keeps us both from getting worn out. Problem solved.
*MICHAEL: “Even the strongest feelings expire when they are ignored and taken for granted.”—Unknown
Remember how I said that a part of what got me out of the destructive pattern of being in relationships with people who took me for granted was that I studied narcissism? Well, a YouTube channel that provided me with quite a few light bulb moments is Assc Direct. He actually has a video entitled "Why You Get Taken for Granted". In his intro, this is what he says:
"If you gave a two-year-old a one-hundred dollar bill, and you left for a length of time, I can almost guarantee you that you will not come back to the same hundred dollar bill…this is because a two-year-old cannot recognize, cannot understand and does not understand the value of that hundred dollar bill. So, to them, it gets treated the same as any other sheet of paper."
Do you see where he's going with this? Narcissism is a beast because, if you don't know all that much about it, you can find yourself in the kind of situation that I was in with Michael. Michael was smart, funny and handsome. Michael was charming as hell. Michael and I had a lot in common. To this day, Michael is also one of the most narcissistic people I've ever met. His sense of self-entitlement, coupled with his arrogance and lack of empathy for other people's pain (including the pain that he tends to cause) created the perfect scenario for me to give and give and give, and for him to take and take and take. What's really sad is, whenever my self-esteem would nudge me and say, "Girl, what the hell are you doing?!" and I would bring my feelings to him, he would do something else that is a signature narcissistic trait; he would deflect and somehow try and make my discontent be totally my fault.
What caused me to finally remove myself from Michael and his grandiose selfishness is I realized just what the video said. It takes a sense of humility and maturity to appreciate the value that someone brings into your life. People who are extremely self-important and/or emotionally stunted don't really care about nurturing or preserving relationships. Why? Basically it's because their pride makes them think that people are disposable and that other folks are lining up to take the place of the ones that they dismiss.
If you are in a relationship, whether it be personal or professional, with a narcissist, sociopath or selfish individual, I can promise you that it is only a matter of time before you will feel taken for granted by them. Set boundaries. Guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23). Also, study the traits of those kinds of individuals. Then, accept that the late and great Maya Angelou once warned us about—"When people show you who they are…believe them." Don't try and change them. Don't seek to overcompensate for where they lack. Believe them and then decide if you want to participate in a one-sided relationship. Or not. If you stay, accept what comes along with it—consistently being taken for granted.
*MICHELLE: “Sometimes you need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand.”—D. Crysis
Last fall, I wrote a piece for the site entitled "I Was 'Ghosted' By My Best Friend". Long story short, it was about a friend of mine who, after over 30 years of friendship, they vanished into thin air. Well, that's not completely true. After they went through a life situation that totally infected their character and totally drained me in the process and I brought that fact to their attention while also letting them know that, moving forward, I was going to require more reciprocity, they vanished.
Some people might say that since that is the way they chose to handle matters that they were never really my friend to begin with. Eh. We've been through enough together where I'll give some push back on that. What I will say is that while Michelle was caught up in her totally dysfunctional situation, something that came out of her mouth, more than once, was she wasn't sure if she knew what true love was or if she actually loved anyone in a healthy manner.
Because there was so much time and experience between us, although I heard what Michelle said, I still tried to hang in there. But now that I've healed from the ending of that friendship, what I have come to accept is, you can never really have a healthy relationship with someone who isn't healthy. And since she said that she didn't know what love is or even if she was capable of loving someone, her confusion had automatically put me into the crossfire. Therefore, it's no wonder that it was so easy for Michelle to "get ghost" on me.
Love is loyal. Ambiguity is unreliable.
The lesson here is this—It's unrealistic to look for perfection in a person or a relationship. But when it comes to your close intimate circle, make sure that you connect yourself with individuals who have a healthy sense of self. Otherwise, they aren't really all that equipped to love you well and, since they are so emotionally all over the place, it can be expected for them to be there one day and gone the next. They won't really notice that they don't value you because, honestly, they don't value their own selves very much either. Therein lies a huge part of the problem.
DAVID*: “When you're always there for people they stop appreciating you because your favors are now an expectation.”—Unknown
Sometimes, feeling taken for granted isn't rooted in anything super dramatic. It simply comes from a lack of clear communication between friends. So is the case with me and David. David is my man, one-hundred grand. But when he first came into my life, he was so giving and I was so not used to it, that when I started to give in return, even I can see that I was overdoing it. I started making it my mission to try and meet his needs, even before he had them, which eventually put me in the position of "doing" all of the time and him not giving as much.
After about a year or so, I brought up to him that it didn't seem like he was as much of a participant in the friendship as he used to be. It was interesting what he told me in response. He said that in most of his other friendships, he was used to being the one who had to do all of the work. So, with me, it started out being the same way. Then, when I came along and "trumped" his giving, he was so taken aback that he admits that he slacked off because he liked actually being on the receiving end. Ever since that conversation, he and I have been working on being more "even" in our giving to one another. It's not about "keeping tabs" so much as "taking each other's temperature", just to make sure that we're both getting our needs met.
And y'all, I think this is a great place to bring this particular piece to a close.
A lack of communication is one of the main things that can make someone feel as if they are being taken for granted. If you sit on those feelings for too long, you can become so resentful or even angry that you assume your friend, family member or loved one doesn't appreciate you when, the reality is, they had absolutely no idea that you felt the way that you did.
Bottom line—none of us like to feel as if we are being taken for granted. When you feel that way, it's a clear red flag to share those emotions with the people you are in relationship with. If they do indeed value you, if they can clearly pinpoint the worth that you hold in their life, they will put forth the effort to make some changes. If they don't, well, now you know where you stand, right? Now, if you choose to stay, you are the one who is taking yourself for granted. And isn't that a big ole' buffet plate food for thought?
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Self-Truths That Will Stop You From Settling For Less
Your Self Worth Determines Your Net Worth
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
Courtesy
In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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