If there is one summer when folks who don't believe in climate change (what in the world?!) should definitely get this side-eye, this one would have to be the one. Y'all, I live in the South, so I'm used to the summertime being mad humid. Still, when it comes to the heat that the sun is giving this year? I'll put it to you this way — currently, I am like the seniors who try and run errands at 7 a.m. or after 7 p.m. to avoid it. Straight up.
That's why I totally get that some people are all about big chopping this season. Shoot, for most of my adult life, my hair has been some variation of short (no exaggeration), so I totally get it. Still, as someone who has big chopped and also sometimes regretted it due to it being more emotionally-driven than a well-thought out plan, if you're someone who is strongly considering doing it, in order to make sure that you won't find yourself crying in your bathroom mirror from now through Labor Day, I wanted to offer up a few things to think about before you pull out your clippers or make an appointment with your stylist.
1.Have You Ever Big Chopped Before?
Here's been my personal experience with big chopping — unless your hair is really long and you've never gone super short before, it's not really the length that's the issue. No, the challenges actually come with 1) finding a cut that suits the shape of your head; 2) deciding if you want to relax your hair, texturize it (which is a form of mildly relaxing it) or go all-natural, and/or 3) figuring out which products to use. And because a lot of people tend to big chop impulsively, that means they didn't devote enough time to doing any real preparing which can ultimately freak them out once their hair is off of their head and in a sink somewhere.
That's why, if you happen to be a "big chop virgin", it's so important that you think about all of the points that I just made all the way through. While different lengths and styles do complement some more than others, I'll be honest when I say that it's rare when I've seen a big chop go awry; that is, when the cut is dope, the styling is on-point and the person carrying it is confident. Preparing ahead of time makes all of this possible.
2.Is It a Weather-Triggered Response?
Like I said in the intro, it's hot. LAWD, IT'S HOT. Yet just like Loretta Devine's character said in the seriesThe Client List about the weather, the same thing applies to seasons — "give it some time and it'll change". While right now, it might seem like the heat is never gonna end, the reality is that, this year, autumn officially begins on September 22. It's a reminder that seasons only last for (roughly) three months and where I'm going with this is, if you're thinking about cutting all of your hair ONLY because the heat is too much to bear, that sounds like an emotionally-charged decision. Oftentimes, moving in that space is not a good look (no pun intended); especially when it comes to making choices that you've got to live with for a while. While our hair is always growing (1/4-1/2" a month), it does require patience to gain real inches. So, if you're only considering big chopping as a way to get some much-needed heat relief, I would strongly consider pumping the brakes.
3.Is This a Hair Transition-Related Decision?
Some people opt for big chopping during the summer season because it's not uncommon for folks to go at least a few inches shorter when it's hot outside; this means that it could be a great time to transition from chemically-treated hair to an all-natural look. I'll be honest, if this is your reason for cutting your hair off, I think it's a wise move because the whole "keep your straight hair while growing out your natural texture" can be a bit taxing because that can oftentimes lead to a significant amount of breakage, if you're not careful. Plus, it can emotionally take you through it a bit if it's been FOREVER since you've even dealt with your natural hair. Learning its texture, adjusting to shrinkage, etc. might make you say "F it" and go back to relaxing. In fact, big chopping is usually for the sake of going immediately from chemically-treated to natural. Still, if you're not ready to lose all of your inches in one sitting, there is always another route that you can take. This brings me to my next point.
4.What About a Protective Style?
Something that can help to keep impulsive people from cutting their hair before they are truly ready and transitioning folks from becoming stressed the hell out as they are growing out their natural hair is protective styles. Some summers, I will do nothing but put my hair into box braids; it leads to low-maintenance and absolutely no regrets. Some pretty popular looks this year include stitched cornrows, flat-twist updos, medium-sized box braids, Bantu knots, braided faux hawks and mini twists. If you take good care of them, most of these looks can last you 3-4 weeks (at least) which will either get you through the summer heat or buy you more time for you to figure out if you really want to go short — or not.
5.Have You Discussed This with a Professional Stylist (Yet)?
The first time that I big chopped, my late fiancé literally pulled out a set of clippers and gave me an immediate low Caesar. It was the early-mid 90s and pretty "buck" at the time; although I must say that, in hindsight, I probably would've gotten a professional stylist to do it because well, they're a professional.
Listen, I know it seems so revolutionary to pull out some shears, stare yourself in the mirror and go absolutely ham on your head yet if you don't know what the hell you are doing, it can result in a mini-nervous breakdown because your hair will end up looking like it. Sometimes — no, many times — the anxiety surrounding a big chop has little to do with the length and everything to do with the cut.
That's why I strongly recommend that if you've got a professional stylist, you should run your thoughts by them. Not only can they help you to come up with a look that is the most flattering, they can also put together a hair regimen that you can realistically keep up with. That last part actually brings me to my final point.
6.Do You Get That a Short ‘Do Also Requires Maintenance?
Back when my hair was really short, two things that I adored was being able to cut it myself (learned to perfect it over the years) and being able to get-up-and-go without a lot of prep time and sometimes even drama. Still, when it's super short, cuts have to happen on the regular and when it's kinda short, you've gotta figure out what products truly work for your hair and that ain't always no crystal stair. Even when I had a relaxed mohawk (which was super cute), relaxing it sucked during the summer because I would sweat and then my sides would stick out like a porcupine.
Moral to the story? If you've been telling yourself that big chopping will free you from having to do your hair, on some levels, that couldn't be further from the truth. It's just a different kind of work. So again, think things through and choose wisely. Oh, and if you do chop it all and end up regretting it, remember that hair always grows back and a protective style can hold you down. Now, after reading all of this — big chop or no?
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It sounds good, right? Refusing to settle is damn near the tagline for easily 40 percent of social media posts. However, when it really comes down to it, what does that actually mean? And more importantly, what does not settling require you to do?
Whether you wonder if you’re somehow settling for less or you’re simply ready to have way more in your world than you do right now, here are some things that you are going to need to be willing to do in order to live a life that says that you didn’t settle, in any facet of it, at all.
What Does It Actually Mean to “Settle”?
GiphyRefusing to settle. It’s something that is said so much these days that I’m not even sure we know what it actually means anymore. I say this because being arrogant, entitled, and/or expecting someone else to do for you what A) you won’t do for your own self and or B) you wouldn’t do for them in return. That isn’t the definition of “not settling.”
Actually, "not settling" is more about being so self-aware that you refuse to allow people, places, things, or ideas to influence or impact you to the point where you end up living a life that is less than what will bring out the absolute best in you.
Not settling is about moving around this earth in such a way that you know that, when it comes time to take your last breath, you have very few regrets because you prioritized having a high quality of life of richness and true fulfillment above all else.
Quality of life. When you think of your career, is it bringing out the best in you? When you think about your friendships, are your friends bringing out the best in you? When you think about your relationship, is it bringing out the best in you? The choices, both big and small, that you make on a daily basis — can you honestly say that you are intentional about choosing who and what will bring out the absolute best in you?
If you can’t firmly say “yes,” sis, on some level, you are settling — and as one of my favorite quotes of all time (by writer Maureen Dowd) says, “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”
What you deserve. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times over. “It” being that, by definition, in order to have what you deserve, you need to be qualified to have it (yes, that is literally what “deserve” means). So, when it comes to not settling because you want no less than what you deserve in this world — what energy and effort are you putting into making sure that YOU ARE QUALIFIED to have such things? Yeah, you’d be amazed by how many people end up settling in this life and it’s (mostly) because they missed this very crucial step.
If you are someone who gets that and simply looking for some signs to keep from settling, here are five that I want you to seriously take to heart.
You Rarely Step Outside of Your Comfort Zone
GiphyI hate to admit it but with me being an ambivert and really liking (I mean really liking) being at home, I haven’t been on an official vacation since my 20s (no exaggeration). I have traveled to see family (that is not exactly what I would call a vacation — LOL). I have gone to see friends and my godchildren (see what I said in the previous sentence — LOL). I have traveled all over for work and had some fun in the process. However, planning some time to get off of the grid and do NOTHING but rest and relax? Yep…late 20s.
And although I’m not exactly afraid to fly, I’ll be the first to say that it’s not my favorite thing on the planet to do — and with these planes currently falling out of the air right now (although reports say that is in our heads more than anything)? Oh, I would definitely be getting out of my comfort zone to travel right now.
And so long as I use some wisdom and discernment about when and where I go, that’s a good thing because people who stay in their comfort zone tend to live stagnant lives and/or live in fear (of the unknown) and/or don’t take risks and/or don’t try new things and/or don’t challenge their current way of thinking and/or overthink way too much and/or never really reach their full capacity — and all of these are sho ‘nuf signs of settling for a less-than life.
Me? I need to stop talking about taking a vacation and actually book one — and yes, I need to get my ass on a plane to get there. In my world that is a form of getting out of my comfort zone.
What do you need to do? Something tells me that, deep down, you know.
You Walk on Eggshells in Your Relationships
GiphyIt really is wild how songs will immediately come to my mind, whenever I write on particular topics. Today, it’s one that I haven’t thought about in a hot minute: John Mayer’s “Say.” (For the record, “Daughters” is forever gonna be one of his best offerings; it’ll preach). If you know it, then you know that the hook says, on repeat, “say what you need to say” — and if you’re not doing this in your relationships, you’re settling. In order for people to really connect with you, they have to know you and they can’t do that if you are holding things back or…in.
For the record, I’m not speaking of lacking tact, timing, or maturity in your message or delivery because a part of what comes with solid communication is knowing how to do it effectively.
No, what I’m speaking of here is making sure that you’re not walking on eggshells with others: tensing or clamming up — you know, basically biting your tongue — when you want to share your perspective or a boundary; constantly worrying about what the consequences may be for bringing up your true feelings or opinions; letting other people hijack the conversations that they have with you; constantly walking away from interactions with other people feeling like you were gaslit or manipulated; and being nonconfrontational to an absolute fault, and/or feeling too insecure to be your genuine self.
What causes some of us to become this way? Well, if you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I am a huge fan of the quote, “Adulthood is surviving children” and there is more and more intel coming out these days that if you were raised in an emotionally unpredictable environment, you can find yourself wanting to do whatever to keep the peace, even as an adult. If hearing that triggered you, you might want to consider seeing a therapist/counselor/life coach in order to get the tools to “reprogram you” in this department.
Because to go through life listening to folks express their thoughts and feelings while you don’t? GIRL, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SETTLING.
You Don’t Showcase Your Originality
GiphyMarch marks 10 years since my dad left this earth—and boy, if there is one thing that seemed to consistently trouble him is the aftermath of growing up around people who seemed to fight against his originality instead of embracing it and that is a horrible way to live. In some ways, I saw people try to do the same thing to me. An example?
I’m old enough to remember when a certain sorority would do something called The Jones Awards and I believe it was my freshman year (freshman or sophomore; it’s been a minute) when they gave me the “What the hell do you have on?” award. People laughed. It was mean. I didn’t really care, though. My mom is a New Yorker and never really wanted us looking like…mall dressers. LOL. And so, yes, I had my own individuality and, to this day, strangers will say, “Where are you from because we know it’s not from Nashville.” It is high praise.
Y’all, if I was out here trying to think/look/act like people around me, I doubt that I would’ve accomplished, shoot, 70% of what I have (already done) in my life because I needed to feel confident in my personality, my convictions and uniqueness in order to convince others that I could get certain things done. Hell, my original approach to things is a big part of what’s even kept me with this platform. Being original has taken me far and it can do the same for you. I say that because to be original is to be the first (and there is only one you). To be original is to be authentic. To be original is to be new, fresh, and inventive. Why would you want to settle for anything less than that?
It is the late Aaliyah who once said, “I stay true to myself and my style, and I am always pushing myself to be aware of that and be original.” Staying aware of the fact that no one is better than you in the sense that, there is nothing to really compare AN ORIGINAL to, that really should give you the confidence and courage to not conform. Conforming is settling. And yes, sadly, people do it all of the time. And that’s why they end up being a toy soldier instead of being truly memorable.
You’re Not Doing What Is BEST for You
GiphyPeople who talk to me on a consistent basis know that if there is a self-created motto that I will stay on-repeat about, it’s “Never mistake familiar for good and good for what is right.” Chile, I promise that if you factor that into your life decisions, it will help you to sidestep quite a bit of nonsense. Plus, if you’re someone who wants what is right for you, you will find yourself leaning into what is best for you as well.
Something (or someone) that is the best for you? It’s not just about having the highest quality of something (or someone); it’s also about carefully selecting the people, places, things, and ideas that will prove to be the most suitable for you. Suitable means things like appropriate, proper, becoming, correct, useful, relevant (that’s a good one) and comfortable to you. And y’all, in order to get to what and who is best, there’s a pretty good chance that you’re going to have to release some stuff and folks because, again, not settling is about cultivating an unmatched quality of life and some things (and people) are simply hindrances to and for that.
Example: There is someone I know who keeps going back to the same guy because he is familiar; however, so much has transpired since they first started dating that they are mistaking nostalgia for anything currently substantial (i.e., relevant). As a result, she is not accepting that he is not right for her which means that he is not who is best for her. Her mind knows it and yet she keeps letting her emotions get in the way (which is again why I can’t stand the saying “follow your heart;” the Bible clearly says that the heart is deceitful and heart means “center of emotions” — Jeremiah 17:9-10).
And so yes, when it comes to this guy, she is settling. BIG TIME. And when you settle in a (serious) relationship, it’s almost inevitable that you will start to do the same thing in other areas of your life. For shame, FOR SHAME!
Now, please make sure to really spend some time on the definitions of "best" before making any moves because it is definitely where the big kids play. What I mean by that is, that just because something is best for you, that doesn’t mean it’s always going to feel like it at the time. Her letting that guy go is what’s best even if, for a season, it’s going to hurt. However, in the grand scheme of things, by choosing what is “your best,” your life, long-term, will become so much better.
Listen, there’s no way that doing what’s best for you won’t result in life gifting you with some pretty unexpectedly amazing things as a direct result…if not immediately, in due time.
“Meh” Would Describe Your Lifestyle
GiphyTime. It goes by so much faster than we think. That’s why it’s so important — crucial even — to avoid doing things that will waste your time (check out “These Bad Habits Are Totally Wasting Your Time” and“Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?”). Know what else? You should opt out of whatever won’t help you to live a life that is educational, exciting, purposeful…a life that is far from being “meh.” Meh is an actual word and it means things like indifferent, uninspiring, boring (check out “Bored All Of The Time? Here's What's Really Going On.”).
That said, if there is ANY area of your life where this word would apply, YOU. ARE. SETTLING.
So…what and/or who are you indifferent (feeling average or routine) about?
What and/or are you uninspired by?
What and/or who is boring you?
Why is that the case? Because to simply live in that energy without any real answers? Whew-whee is that settling and the fact that the moments in this lifetime are pretty fleeting, take this as the biggest sign ever that it is time to make some serious changes.
You need to be able to get up, every single day of your life, and be able to name at least three things that are exceptional about you and your world, that inspire you to aim higher and tap into your creative, exploratory, and even risky (health risks, that is) side. People who live like that? Chile, they rarely, if ever, settle for much of anything at all!
___
Author Jim Rohn was right when he said, “If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.” And goodness — why should you, a complete and total original, settle for ANYTHING that is ordinary?
To do so wouldn’t just be sad, it would be criminal.
Especially when it comes to who you are as a person — please, sis — never (EVER) settle.
It’s totally beneath you.
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