What does it take to find the love you want? To attract the love you want, to make the love you truly want to experience in this lifetime? Well, former Bachelorette star Mike Johnson says it starts with doing the inner work FIRST. And by inner work, he means rewriting and reflecting on the internal stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and using them as a springboard to attract the life and love that we deserve. And if you need help tapping into that side of yourself, look no further than his debut book, aptly entitled Making the Love You Want.
In it, the Texas native provides a toolbox for all those looking to genuinely level up their lives from the inside out through the practice of self-love. "I just want it to be a vessel that can help people with the issues that they're going through and the things that they're facing in life," he tells xoNecole in our midday chat. "By reading it, you'll be able to obliterate, and I mean, completely destroy those self-limiting beliefs. You will be able to have the courage and the strength to propel yourself to the next level of your life."
We recently sat down the 32-year-old self-love sage to talk about personal growth, romantic love, and why it's important for Black men to be vulnerable.
*Some answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.
xoNecole: In your book, you really harp on doing the inner work, particularly in the areas of self-love and self-worth. Personally, I tend to think self-worth is an inside job.
Mike Johnson: It absolutely is, it's in the name.
For Black men in particular, how can they continue to cultivate that sense of self-awareness?
[I think it's in] the strength that we have, the strength that we are blessed with and the strength that society makes us have. I think that we can take some of that strength and be vulnerable as well, because it does absolutely take strength to be vulnerable. And I feel that once we can see the strength, meaning vulnerability, there's nothing that we can't do. It's more of a mindset--it's funny because when I think of this topic, I think of Eminem and 8 Mile. If you remember when he did the rap battle, he said everything negative against himself, he put it all out there. And once you put everything out there, no one could combat you. It's already out there. So, I think that's something that we have to utilize to our advantage.
"I think that we can take some of that strength and be vulnerable as well, because it does absolutely take strength to be vulnerable. And I feel that once we can see the strength, meaning vulnerability, there's nothing that we can't do."
Why do you think it’s so hard for Black men to have conversations around self-love and personal growth?
I wouldn't say that it's hard. It's just maybe something that isn't as seen in mainstream media. And I can speak to why I think that is. I feel that in our community, we put on a tough face at times but I do want to say that the color of our skin doesn't dictate our emotional levels. I feel that our environments do. And we adapt to the environment to make sure that we survive out of it. I think people like Charlamagne are doing a wonderful job of spearheading how to get out of those environments, Derrick Jaxn on Instagram, someone like myself--since I'm trying to be in that realm as well. And if something is popular, more people want to be able to do it as well.
When men start to realize that, you know, it's OK for us to be vulnerable, it's OK to talk about real issues and you're not considered a victim--I think that people relate to that more. I mean, the reason some of our biggest musical artists are so big is because they have a creative way of getting out their emotions and they speak on what they're going through, through songs.
You seem to be a very optimistic guy. Every time I come across you on Instagram, you always seem to have a smile on your face. So I wanna know, is a positive outlook a deal-breaker for you when it comes to relationships?
Not having a positive outlook, yeah. If she doesn't have a positive outlook--I don't care how fine she is. I don't care how much money. I don't really care, if you [are] a Negative Nancy, I'm not with you. I am extremely strong with that. If you're just a negative-thinking individual, I'm not going to let your negativity interrupt my energy. It's too precious.
"If you're just a negative-thinking individual, I'm not going to let your negativity interrupt my energy. It's too precious."
Courtesy of Mike Johnson
How has your time on ‘The Bachelorette’ or ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ influenced what traits you now look for in a potential partner?
No, it hasn't changed whatsoever. I still know the type of woman that I love and adore, and quite honestly with me on TV-- it doesn't change my outlook because I was able to attract the woman that I like already. The TV doesn't do anything when it comes to dating, except for if you want to be superficial and get a certain type of chick, then you can do that. But my homies still know back in the day, when I was a teenager, we would call Walmart, Club Walmart. And if I go to Walmart to this day and I see somebody that I'm into, she could be the cashier. I don't care.
So, no TV doesn't do anything. All the TV does when it comes to dating is people feel as if they know exactly what you like. I know you didn't ask the question, but when I talked to my homies about when Black women say that I don't like Black women--I'm like, 'Why is it that way?' That's hard for me to hear because that's a damn lie. My ex was Black. And if the Bachelorette was a Black woman, no Black woman would say that. Right? So that's the only thing that actually hurts me, if I can honestly be transparent about that. That hurts my heart because I'm like, 'Hey, I love y'all period.'
Who is Mike Johnson as a romantic partner?
Mike Johnson is a loving partner. I'm the guy that your girlfriends hate because you are going to be saying all of these positive things and they don't have a good man like that (laughs). I would say that I'm pretty damn good at relationships. I definitely have no problem with someone putting me in the check but if they do something crazy too, I'm going to let them know. I don't like that either. I'm definitely someone that will motivate you just by you just watching how I act and how I move in life. I have goals all the time and so that will rub off on my partner. And I am definitely a sexual being.
Speaking of, kind of. Do you know your love languages and if so, what are they?
Yeah. So at first, before I read the book by Gary Chapman--amazing book-- I thought my love language was physical touch. But after reading the book, doing the quizzes, I ended up going deeper and it turns out my love language is actually quality time. But my dialect is quality communication. So when you speak to me, tell me what your heart is telling you, tell me your thoughts, be transparent with me, be loyal to me, that brings that trust like nothing else.
Are you single? How would you like for a woman to approach you now?
Oh wow. Well, I will say I am dating someone right now. I'm making a love that I want.
Shameless plug. Lastly, what's one thing you know now to be true about love?
One thing I know to be true about love. If you're loyal to a person, that person is loyal to you, if you do everything to make that individual happy, and if you have an open communication, open dialogue--there's nothing that you guys can't get through.
Making the Love You Want is available now, wherever books are sold. And to keep up with Mike, be sure to connect with him on Instagram.
Featured image courtesy of Mike Johnson
RELATED
If you’ve been rockin’ with me for a while, you know that I am good for sharing, what I consider to be water cooler (do offices still even have those?) content — you know, random facts that folks probably don’t know. And today, the topic is the flip side of morning wood for the fellas, which just happens to be something that is known as “morning bean” for the ladies.
Always Remember That Your Clitoris and a Man’s Penis Have a Lot in Common
GiphyHey, get mad/triggered if you want to, yet I am always fascinated whenever I see women teasing and taunting uncircumcised men on social media. For one thing, it causes me to wonder if they do regular vaginal self-exams (check out “Why You Should Give Yourself A ‘Vaginal Self-Exam’”) and/or any vaginal mapping (check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey”) — because if you do like sis says in the video below and take a mirror down to view how God made you, you might see some extra skin that you didn’t know was there yourself.
Not only that but clitorises and penises? Oh, they have a helluva lot more in common than either a lot of us know about or care to admit — including foreskin.
Am I serious? Absolutely.
For starters, science speak says that “The human penis and clitoris develop from the ambisexual genital tubercle.” And, as some fetuses develop more androgens, a penis emerges; without those androgens, a clitoris is fully formed. However, since they both start off in a similar way, a penis and a clitoris have, well, similarities.
An uncircumcised penis has foreskin while a clitoris has a clitoral hood. Both the penis and the clitoris grow larger during puberty. The penis and clitoris both contain erectile tissue in them as well — and this means that when they are sexually stimulated, they both become erect. And that, right there, is where the term “morning bean” actually stems from.
The Technical Name Is Nocturnal Clitoral Tumescence (NCT)
GiphyOkay, so when a guy wakes up in the morning with a hard-on, the technical term for that is called Nocturnal penile tumescence (NCT). It happens thanks to a combination of a man’s sleep cycles, his nerves, how his blood is circulating throughout his system, and the fact that his testosterone levels tend to be elevated when he is just waking up.
Meanwhile, the female version of this is called Nocturnal clitoral tumescence (NCT); it’s basically what transpires whenever a woman’s clitoris is doing the same thing and the slang term for this is…yep, you guessed it: morning bean (I’m pretty sure that the wood vs. bean comparison is pretty self-explanatory).
So, why have a lot of us never heard about this before?
There are probably several reasons; however, the one that tops my mind is since so much of what makes up a woman’s clitoris is inside of her body, when a clit becomes erect, it’s not nearly as noticeable as when a man’s penis does. Now, that’s not to say that if you really know your body, you aren’t able to pick up on some of the morning bean — or clitoral erection in general — signs, though.
For instance, morning beans can cause your clitoris to become extremely sensitive to the touch and, since they do fill up with blood, the part of the clitoris that you do see does tend to get larger (how much varies per person). Morning beans also tend to cause your clitoris to become darker in color (due to the extra blood) and could result in your vulva (the outer part of your vagina) becoming fuller/swollen as well. And just how long does this experience last? Well, reportedly, morning woods tend to subside after about 30 minutes. For us? As long as we are being sexually stimulated or aroused, a morning bean will stick around.
So, there you have it: just like men wake up with erections, so do women. And what is my greatest takeaway from this very fact? Well, although the best time of day to have sex has a lot to do with personal preference, if the man in your bed wakes up with a hard-on, I wouldn’t waste it if I were you. See, while society has had you thinking that he’s the only one who oftentimes has sex on his mind in the wee hours of the morning, now you know that your body has some dirty thoughts of its own that it would probably like to get off — more often than you would think.
Because it’s not like there aren’t some real bona fide benefits to engaging in morning sex…
Why You Should Absolutely Make the Most Out of Your Own Morning Beans
GiphyAlthough I did share all of what I said as a “something new for the day” fun fact, any time I can get y’all to get the most out of your bed, you know that I’m gonna do it. And yes, morning beans can definitely take your sex life to new heights.
I say that because:
Morning beans will (probably) make it easier for you to cum.Testosterone is a hormone that is present in both men and women (albeit much higher in men; the opposite goes for estrogen); this means that if it is elevated in men in the morning, the same goes for us. And the hornier one is, the easier it tends to usually is to orgasm. Give thanks.
Morning beans will intensify your orgasms. It can’t be said enough that the more blood that is circulating inside of your genitalia, the more likely you are to not just climax, but have more intensified orgasms too. And chile, if that ain’t a motivator for morning sex…what freakin’ is?
Morning sex will de-stress you. Say that you’ve got a presentation to make, a heavy deadline, or just a long day that’s ahead of you. Wouldn’t it be great if you could go into what lies ahead as calm and relaxed as possible? Sex can help to make that happen because it’s proven to reduce cortisol levels, so that you’re in a greater state of tranquility.
Morning sex will help you to be more energized and in a better mood. Didn’t sleep well, and so you’re exhausted? Woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and so you’re not in the best of moods? Sex can resolve both of these matters, thanks to the fact that copulation helps to stimulate feel-good hormones and endorphins. Hmph. Sounds better than the usual cup of coffee hack to me (check out “Your Morning Coffee May Be Causing More (Health) Issues Than You Think”).
Morning sex will make you feel more connected to your partner. I tend to mention oxytocin quite a bit in my content, so you’re probably quite familiar with the fact that it helps to bond you to your partner. Well, since oxytocin is at an all-time high during sex (and especially orgasms), if you want to feel especially close to your man (as he feels the same towards you) while the two of you are apart throughout the day — yep, you already know: get it in.
___
Listen, I don’t know if you will ever run into someone who asks about clitoral erections — i.e., morning beans. If they do, though, now you have a thorough answer to offer.
And either way, now you also have a reason to let wood and a bean work together to wake you up instead of that dreaded alarm clock.
Again, sis. Give thanks.
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Featured image by Giphy