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This Is What Self-Care Looks Like To Media Maven Karen Civil
In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, their life, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.
The moment Karen Civil and I got into the questions, she said "Whew, I'm about to be 100% real with you. Let's go," and I knew there was no turning back.
Karen Civil is a woman who needs no introduction — from her countless businesses, to being a certified game-changer in the hip-hop industry, Civil is a name and face you absolutely know. Many say she's "self-made" (though Civil definitely gives shoutouts to her amazing team), and for countless women, Civil is perhaps one of the first or leading examples of a female powerhouse in what has conventionally been a male-dominated arena.
Karen is also one who needs no warm up to get to her point — she jumps in head first. The first few minutes of our conversation, I found myself receding, feeling like Karen was coming in a little hot on our late night call. Immediately, I realized that I was suffering from the very disease society has taught women, and Black women especially. I was operating out of discomfort to see a woman who was fully unapologetic in her approach and the facts she was going to spit, a woman who many could term "aggressive" or "demanding" or even "scary."
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I realized that Karen was in fact none of those things, she just knew what she was going to say and wasn't going to take the scenic route to say it, and it made me wonder why we have silenced countless women before for the same thing. That's a lesson I learned right then and there, one of understanding that a woman can be confident and say what's on her mind. Point. Blank. Period.
In this installment of xoNecole's Finding Balance series, the media maven talks health, spirituality, time management, and most importantly how to walk in your highest purpose and calling.
What does an average day look like for you?
For everything a little bit changes, but there's Always Civil. That's my marketing and branding agency. We have various clients. I'm really proud of the clients that I have right now, which is Russ. Russ is getting ready to drop his project. I have London On Da Track. I have YG, Teyana Taylor, and so many more. We do activations for people, so I just helped James Harden with his James Harden weekend. That was a big moment. I'm starting to do some work with Kamaya that I'm really excited about. That's one aspect of it.
Obviously, we have the Karen Civil brand, which is all things entertainment. I have a great team set in place that's self-sufficient and it runs. I'll peek my head in. I have Live Civil, which is all things empowering, and all things motivating. I have a team for that. I peek my head in. I have the True Women brand, which is our number one vegan based bar on Amazon. We recently launched that a few months ago, so that's something that's not in the hip hop or entertainment space. It's something that's totally different. It's very health conscious. I have a lot. I've taken a lot of calls. I'm handling the schedules, making things happen. In between meetings, because I work with other brands from Louis Vuitton to XYZ, then I'm an influencer myself. I'm a lady who wears many hats and I'm living my life that I set forth for myself. Every day is a little bit different.
Karen Civil/Instagram
How do you find time to balance all your hats?
It's that time management. I make sure I put the energy and time in what needs to be done. I have a great team around me that helps elevate and execute, because that's really what it's about. It's not me just shining. It's the people around me helping us shine together. I make sure that the clients that I work with are all like, they really want it, so I don't have to chase behind and beg and plead. So, it works.
What is the most hectic part of your week? What obstacles pop up since you are juggling so many things?
The hectic things are, you know, you have very rambunctious clients. You have people who are outspoken, so I continue walking through TSA and in four minutes, I'm looking at my phone like "What the hell is this, World War III on social media?" Sometimes, I wish people would allow me to do my job and give me a minute. Then, a lot of people I have relationships with want you to be there and you can't be there for everybody. You can't be at every single event. When you're up in one place, you're down in another. If I'm at this event making sure this person is right, I try to make sure this person is well too, but it's about managing and balancing my times. I still make it work. I do it with a smile on my face and I try to give them the best effort I can to make them feel even when I'm not there that they feel Karen's presence and she still made it happen.
What does self-care look like for you?
Listen, I'm very spiritual. I'm very spiritual when it comes to that self-care. I get reiki healing, I light my candles in my home, I sage. I need the energy to be right. I pray to my God. I follow the Muslim prayer, so it's like I'm at 4:56, 12:54, 4:33, 7:24, and 8:47. I am on my rugs, I am praying to the east, and I am talking to God. That's important for me. I'm blessing my food before I eat it.
"I'm just making sure I incorporate God through my whole day."
I don't care what I'm doing. I will excuse myself so I can go pray. People understand that, they don't take offense to that. I do my healings, I light my spiritual candles. I'm just trying to make sure that in a world that honestly feels like they don't want me to belong in an industry that is trying to break me, that God continues to keep me whole and my spirit feels intact. I just got to give all glory to God and ask him to remove. Please remove the negative people in my life who are not supposed to be there. I pray for my friends and things of that nature. I've got a therapist who I will see and I lay on the couch. At the end of the day, my mental health is more important than anything else.
How do you find balance with friendship?
Listen, I realized I did quantity over quality and then people's true colors started to come out. Now, more than anything, I reversed it. It is all about quality and not quantity, because people will burn you out. Especially being in Los Angeles. They pretend they are for you when the objective and the motive is to align... It's like spaghetti to the wall. They want to stand with whatever sticks. People want to stand in your light. Now I have a great tribe of women around me who believe in me, who uplift me, and guess what? We uplift each other, so I'm good in that space. God has helped me gravitate all these wonderful people around me that I can call friends, that I can call sisters, that are part of my tribe.
Do women find balance or do you have to settle?
When it comes to my life... I'm not settling. I'm not settling in a personal relationship, I'm not settling in my business, because I want more for myself. More than anything now, we are in a day and age where they respect [women of color] and they are listening to us. We are running the boardrooms. Forbes said we are listed as the fastest growing entrepreneurs. You think I'm not running around with my invisible cape and knowing what I'm capable of? Ain't nobody going to diminish my light. You will never diminish my life.
"Ain't nobody going to diminish my light. You will never diminish my life."
How do you find balance with love and relationships? Do you even have time to date?
I did a public relationship and I embarrassed myself. You know why? Because I wanted to pretend to have it all. And that was my fault because I wanted girls to know you could have a career and a man, and you can do this and you can support him, and you can do everything else. I knew he wasn't right for me but I cared more about what social media thought because I wanted people to be like, "Oh, perfection," and this and that. That's where I failed myself and I failed the audience and the people who believe in me because that relationship was a sham and a lie. Now, more than anything, I am dating. I'm in a great place. I have people who appreciate me, who understand me, and who want the best for me. It's me and us. It's not me, us, and social media.
How do you find balance between your sanity and haters?
People will diminish your light before you even get to turn it on. No sir, no sir. I pay my light bill on time every month. You will not have me in the dark, you will not dim nothing over here unless it's some dim sum and we eating. Nothing over here will be dim. Nothing. I walk in purpose and I walk in light. I'm not dimming down nothing.
How do you find balance in your life with exercise, health, eating?
I have an incredible chef who helps me stay on my diet. My trainer. He is like everything. His name is James Banks and James will be like like, "Karen, let's get it together. Let's get you where you need to be." From training and everything to train, [if] you want change, James is it.
When you are going through a bout of uncertainty, when you're feeling stuck, when you're hitting obstacles and whatever else, how do you handle it?
Oh, I'm got my female tribe. I talk to God, I pray to Him on it to give me clarity. I write it down. I write my thoughts down just to make sure I'm not missing anything. Then, I have my tribe of women that I talk to to help guide and understand me. Those are my three things to provide that balance and to make sure that I'm making the right things. I never want to make a decision out of a heated argument or just in the moment.
What does success mean to you ?
Success to me is living in purpose. This society and this world when it comes to people of color, the race was not set up for us to win. Not being afraid of failure, not letting it hinder or dictate where you see yourself. That is success. I don't put a monetary value on it because when you're chasing your purpose and you're chasing your goals, that comes with it.
"Success to me is living in my purpose."
Success is looking my momma in the eyes and knowing I got her a house, you know what I mean? Success is knowing that I'm able to create opportunities for the people around me. Waking up happy knowing I'm living the life that I chose for myself.
For more of Karen, follow her on Instagram. Also be sure to check out some of the other amazing ladies we've featured in our Finding Balance series by clicking here.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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