
I Took A Month-Long Trip To Japan. This Was My Experience As A Black Woman

Japan was never on my bucket list for places to travel. That was until I came across a Delta Airlines Premium Select seat for $1400. With the average flight in that cabin costing over $3,500, carving out a month-long solo travel trip was a no-brainer for me as a freelancer who can work from anywhere in the world.
Having traveled internationally at a consistent cadence over the last three years to countries like Portugal, France, Belgium, and the UK, one thing I know for sure is that anti-Blackness exists everywhere—whether this shows up as a microaggression or in a more aggressive form. It's not every day you're at a Beyoncé concert in Brussels and have a white man pushing you in Club Renny because he feels he's entitled to manspread and make you take up less space as a Black woman sings about her Black pride. Thankfully, I got a redo in Cardiff, Wales, with a crowd that wasn't entirely white.
Belgium, like Japan, is always on the list of the safest countries in the world. But the primary question is for whom? So I banked my previous experience in "one of the world's safest countries" as I prepared for my 18-hour flight to East Asia. Just off the plane and out of customs, I was overwhelmed. No amount of research can prepare you to navigate a new place where you don't speak or read the language in real time. For example, I knew I could withdraw Yen with my debit card from 7/11 ATMs without fees, but where on earth were they in this airport? Finding one was significant because Yen was required to purchase a ticket to take the monorail from Haneda to the city.
Thankfully, a local woman saw how frazzled I was and guided me to an ATM right next to where you purchase train tickets and helped me get in the right line. I was sweaty, tired, and so grateful. Why not just take a cab? For $90 USD one-way, I think not.
Like public transit anywhere, people have places to be, so navigating the station felt like being in New York City. However, there was a major difference: you could hear a pin drop. People do not talk on the train. No really. The trains were like being in the library, which was kind of nice. After fighting for my life and lugging my giant luggage through the train station, I hailed a black cab to take me the rest of the way. When I stepped out of the cab onto the Conrad Tokyo property, my five-star luxury journey began.
Now that I'm in my late 30s, where I stay matters. I'm not staying in a hostel. I'm not staying anywhere with questionable reviews. I'm not sharing a stranger's home. There's a lot of discourse about how "wasteful" it is to pay for five-star accommodations if you're in the country or city to explore—a fair point.
However, I'm not home. I want turndown service. And the turndown service in Japan takes it up a notch, laying out a fresh pair of perfectly pressed pajamas each night for you. Yes, please! And there was the butler box at The St. Regis Osaka, where I could send out my laundry and have it washed, neatly folded, and returned to me without ever having to speak to anyone. It magically appeared in the box I initially thought was a tiny closet! My butler also brought me my cappuccino at the same time I'd requested every day.
To have an exceptional meal or cocktail without leaving my hotel, especially after a long day of exploring or after 18 hours into a time zone that's 14 hours ahead, the ability to rest in what feels like a haven away from home is an unmatched act of self-care and worth every penny to me. However, as a Black traveler, these spaces don’t always feel welcoming, especially when one is young, a woman, and traveling solo. I often get "How is she staying here?" energy across countries, including in the States.
I stayed at four five-star hotels—the Conrad Tokyo and Osaka, the St. Regis Osaka, and The Okura Tokyo—with perks thanks to my American Express Platinum Card. The care I received made me feel safe and queen-like, which should be expected when staying in luxury accommodations. Yes, it should be. However, there have been moments at similar places where I couldn't wait to check out and wished I'd never spent my money.
My introduction to Japanese culture and hospitality started on a high note, and I quickly did everything I could to learn the customs. For example, bowing is customary when saying goodbye. As an American, this was a welcomed adjustment because it felt like an extension of my gratitude for the care I received.
I also had help from the staff learning a few words at my glorious sushi meal at Kazahana, a fine-dining Japanese restaurant nestled right downstairs in the hotel, as I desperately fought to stay awake on my first day in Tokyo. As I worked my way from a five-star hotel to a five-star hotel, how I was treated remained the same across the board. I found this surprising. But eventually, I let myself enjoy every second without questioning it.
Vintage shopping was high on my list of things to do in Japan because they are known for their exceptional finds that are often in mint condition at fair prices. I intended to purchase a Prada bag, but Chanel continued calling my name. I've shopped for designer luxury across countries. My absolute best shopping experience was Gucci at Harrods in London.
But because Japan isn't nearly as diverse, I was sure I might bump into some side eyes as I slid into the vintage shops with Fendi, Gucci, Hermes, Chanel, and any other designer brand you can think of taking up every square space of the store—many untethered to any security.
Kindal in Kyoto and Hedy in Osaka became my two favorites as I weaved in and out of multiple vintage stores in Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka—there are hundreds. Unlike many of TikTok's famed vintage shops, these stores were small and well-curated, and the customer service was full of kindness. For example, when I walked into Kindal, a stylish man with a blue fuzzy sweater greeted me. I pulled out one of the few Japanese words I knew: Konnichiwa, to which he smiled and came around the counter to give me the rundown of the store with the help of Google Translate.
He gratuitously walked me through trying each Chanel piece I was interested in, answering all my questions about the year, and encouraging me to walk to the mirrors in the store to see how each bag and piece of jewelry looked on me without hovering. Because of his help, I landed on Chanel Classic Flap and took an hour-long trek back to Kindal a week later to purchase a pair of Chanel earrings I loved but decided to put back on my first shopping trip because of how much I enjoyed my shopping experience with him.
In the wild (outside of my five-star hotels), stares happened occasionally. However, most often, I think there was either pure curiosity or because I had on my giant Brandon Blackwood coat, dark sunnies, and platform Nike sneakers that made me about six feet tall because of my 5 '8'' frame. Most people I talked to either complimented me on my style or cornrows, and no one ever tried touching my hair. So the leering were stares of endearment. I think...
As I ventured into the countryside, I swapped my five-star hotels for four-star ryokans. Ryokans are traditional Japanese inns that often serve half-board, aka breakfast and dinner with your stay. I wondered if I'd be accepted with open arms. But I was so excited about the onsens—natural hot springs sourced with water from volcanoes —that I just accepted my fate.
The same level of care was extended from the Ryokan staff to the small coffee shop I visited to work in Nara, where I was greeted daily with a smile despite a significant language barrier. What I found remarkable about supporting NORR coffee roasters is that the owner noticed how often I popped in and thanked me for coming back three days in a row. Little did he know, I kept coming back because it felt like home.
On my final trek through Japan from Nara to Gifu—the mountains of Japan—which required three trains and a bus ride with a total travel time of six hours one way, I knew that seeing anyone who looked like me was out. I wondered if they'd ever come in contact with a Black person and what that would spell out for my experience in the snowy mountains for five days.
What if I got up there and felt unwelcome? Guess what? That did not happen. The stares came from the white backpackers—never from the staff.
The one throughline of my trip was the care the Japanese women showed me from Tokyo to Takayama.
Thirty days is a long time to be so far away from home alone, and because of their attentive care, I got through my month-long trip with barely any homesickness. They all cared for me like I was one of their own. At one point at the Conrad Osaka, I got choked up because I was going to miss each person who graciously welcomed and took care of me during my stay.
As for walking around solo, I felt safe—more safe than I’ve ever felt in America, which is so disappointing. I was still alert, but I felt a sense of calm. I was generally always home before the streetlights came on, but on the nights I did walk, I stayed close to other people and had no issues.
One thing to note, that I’m grateful I didn’t experience, is the issue the country has with groping on public transport. There are even women-only train cars to help prevent this. As someone who has experienced sexual assault, I do find it difficult to be in small, crowded spaces filled with men. And, during rush hour, you will likely find yourself in the minority as a woman on the train.
To offset this, I used the women-only cars. I also took the limited express trains, which aren’t only a plus because you reserve your seat in a two-two configuration, but they’re so much faster since they don’t stop at every station. There is an additional fee on top of the base fare for this, which you can easily pay for on your phone, but it’s usually between 500 and 600 yen. This was worth it to me for more space and peace of mind.
Traveling while Black can be a toss-up because of how people see us. And, while I know there is no perfect society or country, the respect, care, and gratitude I received from the Japanese people I had the pleasure of getting to know put Japan at the top of my list for Black women who travel solo. The care I received extended from Starbucks to the drugstores. So, this isn’t just a five-star thing. It’s embedded in Japanese culture.
So, if you're considering booking a trip to Japan, I highly encourage you to book that flight!
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
Sometimes I get asked the same question, often enough, that I’m like, “It’s time to address this on a larger platform,” — and for, whatever the reason, as of late, folks have been asking me what different sex acts mean.
No, not from the perspective of positions or techniques. What they’ve basically wanted to know is if making love, having sex, and f-cking are simply different words to describe the same thing or if there truly is something deeper with each one.
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
Back when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
A few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
And finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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