If there's one thing I think most of us spend a large majority of our lives learning about, it's friendship. Think about it—the kind of friends that we needed as children looks drastically different once we enter into our twenties. Then, once we hit around 30-35, the definition changes, yet again. Why? Because as we evolve and our needs and wants shift, we tend to desire different things from our intimate connections. And you know what, y'all? Not only is that perfectly OK, it's a sign of true maturity and growth.
That's why there are certain popular beliefs about friendship that I personally can't get down with, especially at this stage in my life. I do agree with the French-Cuban-American essayist Anaïs Nin when she once said, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." However, the more I grow and the bigger my world view and perspective becomes, the more I see friendship in layers as well. As a direct result, there are certain popular views on the topic that I consider to be myths; ones that I feel should be debunked as quickly as possible. Not so that we devalue the friendship, but so we can allow ourselves—and others—to embrace and enjoy true friendships as their purposes continue to reveal themselves throughout various seasons of our lives. So, what are some of the biggest friendship myths that I wholeheartedly believe need to be silenced once and for all?
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #1: There Is a Clear and Firm Definition of Friendship for Everyone
While I do think there are certain standards and boundaries that all friendships should have (see "Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'", "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships" and "10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend"), because all of us are unique, in some very significant ways, I don't feel we should all believe that "friend" has to be defined the same way, across the board.
A very simple definition of the word is "a bond of mutual affection", but I'll be honest—what causes me to feel fondly towards one of my friends is usually totally different when it comes to another one. To tell you the truth, a lot of the "friendship drama" that I used to put myself through ceased to exist once I stopped putting the same types of expectations on everyone across the board.
Things like a person's age, personality, like and dislikes, relational status (married folks tend to have a different kind of schedule and set of priorities than single folks do), and even their love language all play a role in what kind of friendship I am able to have with someone.
For instance, one of my friends is in her late 50s and married; I have some deep spiritual conversations with her. Another friend of mine is in her 20s and single; we bond on work-related and pop culture stuff. I don't expect my married friend to connect with me in the way that my single one does. It would be unfair for me to. Still, they both are very precious to me and fall under the category of being a friend; just in different ways and for different reasons. And I am totally cool with that.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #2: Men and Women Can Never Be “Just Friends”
OK, so I'll be the first to say that a lot of men and women who claim to be platonic are anything but (check out "The Word 'Platonic' Is Sacred. Literally."). In order for a friendship to truly fall under that category, both individuals have to have absolutely no sexual interest or desire in one another at all. Platonic speaks of spiritual love—no more, no less. So, even if you've got a male homie that you adore and would never give it up to, if he'd take it the moment you offered him some, technically, your relationship isn't platonic.
Not to say that I think platonic friendships are impossible. I've got male friends who are some of the closest people to me. But when either one of us think about being more than that, it translates as gross more than intriguing. What I mean by that is, they literally feel like family, so anything romantic or sexual is totally out of the question. Ever. And yes, to think that those types of dynamics are impossible between men and women is ridiculous. To believe otherwise is to imply that every man wants to sleep with every woman and vice versa—and that's simply not true. So yes, of course, men and women can be just friends. Male and female interaction serves more of a purpose than hooking up, getting married or procreating. People who think otherwise are missing out on the balance of energy that the opposite sex can bring into their lives. And as someone who reveres her platonic friendships, it's a damn shame that they do.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #3: Everyone Should Have a Best Friend
There is someone I know who claims to have somewhere around six or seven best friends. First of all, according to many experts, folks, on average, have no more than 16 friends total and that includes factoring in utility (work), pleasure (fun) and good ones. I promise you, the more I come to learn what a real friendship is and requires, as I follow that up with striving to be a good friend, I don't know how people have time for three friends, let alone dozens of 'em. Either way, if you're going to take the definition of "best" literally, it is literally impossible, to have multiple best friends. Best means "most" or "highest degree"; best is what causes someone to stand up above the rest.
Yet that's not the main point about this point. Because I'm someone who advocates for married people to be each other's best friend (again, because of the definition of the word), I am also someone who automatically demotes myself, whenever a close friend of mine gets married. I don't want to be seen as someone's "highest quality" over their beloved. And you know what? Living by this personal rule has proven to be really healthy.
Besides, the older that I get, the more I see the value in having good friends; in accepting that when it comes to friendships, there are levels, and again, because different people serve different purposes, having a "best" isn't really even necessary. So long as my friendships are healthy, productive and thriving, "good" is good enough for me.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #4: Friendships Are a Key Source of Happiness
Yeah. I know this one might seem odd, but just hear me out for a sec. Something that I think brings a lot of us unnecessary disappointment and even distress is trying to make other people responsible for our own happiness. While I love my friends, enjoy my friends, and have cultivated some of the best memories with them, I wouldn't say they are the source (origin) of my joy and inner contentment. To me, that is a lot of pressure to put onto any flawed human being (which we all are). Besides, if I gave them that much credit, what happens when we have a disagreement or even, they piss me off? Am I not supposed to be happy with my life anymore? Yeah, I'd rather seek happiness within and then share it with my friends. It's more beneficial, even easier, that way.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #5: The Right Friends Will Back What You Do, No Matter What
Personally, I think one of the most toxic perspectives a person can have when it comes to what they expect out of their friendships is, "If you're really my friend, you will support whatever I do." Really? So if you decide to do something that would put you or someone else in harm's way, I should cheer you on, out of so-called loyalty to the friendship? Please. I say it often because I wholeheartedly believe that a lot of people aren't out here looking for friends. What they want is a fan base—people who will "ooo" and "ahh" at every decision that they make, all the while applauding them and not challenging them when need be. The reason why I've written articles for the site like, "What A Supportive Friend Actually Does (It's Not Quite What You Think)" is to serve as a reminder that a good friend, a true friend, a real friend is going to help you to become a better version of yourself while being a safe and supportive space for you as you do so.
One of my absolute dearest friends has called me out on my ish more times than my own pride would've ever thought necessary. I can directly attribute her to a lot of my evolution too. So please don't be out here thinking that just because Facebook uses the word "friends" on its platform that everyone who follows you or likes everything you say and do is one. Don't confuse someone liking what you project online with being the standard of what you should expect from your friendships in the real world. The right people will have your back, that is true. But sometimes that means telling you when you are dead-ass wrong, asking you difficult questions and revealing to you areas of yourself that you might not see—or address—if they weren't in your life, holding up a symbolic mirror.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #6: True Friendships Are Forever
I'm a Bible follower. I make absolutely no apologies for that. That said, when you really pay close attention to the instructions for relationships in the Word, the only one that speaks of "forever" is marriage (Matthew 19:6 and I Corinthians 7:10-11 are good examples of this). Every other relationship (including children because eventually, they are to "leave and cleave" to their own spouse and family—Genesis 2:24-25) typically has seasons. This includes friendships. Nothing is wrong with that. Something that I have learned is, oftentimes people come into our lives to get us to the next level within ourselves. If two people are growing at a similar pace, it's easier to stay friends than if they aren't. Personally, I can name about five people who, back in my 20s, you couldn't have paid me to think that we would no longer be as thick as thieves…but we're not. We no longer have the same things in common. Our relational needs are different. To remain "click tight" in each other's lives would've proven to be more of a hindrance than anything else. At the same time, what growth has taught me is, when a friendship is real, when it comes to an end—or shifts—there is no need for drama or a "fall out".
When you really and truly cared about someone and they felt the same way about you, there can still be peace and love. The actual day-to-day of a friendship may no longer be necessary but what can last forever is honoring what was.
A website that I've always appreciated in Snopes. It's a place I go when I want to know if a popular story or myth has any real facts or basis to it. When I find out that something isn't true, it totally alters how I see "it". That's why I penned this piece on friendship myths. While these are only six and, to a certain extent, based on my personal opinion, my hope is that it will also challenge you to see friendships differently. Friendships are dope. Friendships are needed. Friendships are a blessing. Just make sure to take some pressure off of yourself by not expecting friendships to be everything you've heard about them. Figure out the truth for yourself…then bond with others from there.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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