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10 Common Myths About Men. Debunked By Men.

Myth: any invented story, idea, or concept; an unproved or false collective belief that is used to justify a social institution

Love & Relationships

There is not enough time to get into just why I am so thankful for the male side of my tribe. What I will say, for now, is it's my personal belief that a lot of women struggle in their relationships because they spend more time listening to other women about how men think and what men want/need than men — and that can lead to all kinds of problems. This faulty approach has also cultivated a lot of myths about the male species; ones that many of the men who I interviewed for this piece (middle names were used) have said that they don't usually make time to debunk because all it typically leads to is unnecessary debates and arguments — and a lot of men don't care to do either (there goes a debunked myth right there).


This time, they get the floor, though. As I thought about some of the most common beliefs about men — especially Black men — that exist out in these streets, 20 guys took a moment to share their gut reaction to them. Hear them out.

1. Men Prefer Younger Women

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Chris. Single. 26.

"Who's that guy who says that all men want women under 30? Kevin, something? That's a joke. A lot of these young women have young minds. What I will say is when you first go out on a date with a guy, you should ask him if he wants to have children or not. I mean, his own children. That is the biggest factor when it comes to the age thing. An older woman can be fine as hell and bring a lot to your life. But if a man wants to build a family, he's gonna factor in that the older a woman is, the more challenging that will get."

Richard. Dating. 32.

"I've always preferred older women. They're sexier. They're smarter. They cut to the chase a lot quicker. Anyone who tells you that younger is better is probably intimidated by what older women bring to the table. A 40-year-old ain't playin' with us. Most men know it."

2. Men Only Have Sex on Their Minds Most of the Time

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Raynard. Single. 23.

"I think I read somewhere that men think about sex around 20-25 times a day. That breaks down into roughly one time an hour. Are women trying to say that they don't do the same thing? Whatever. I think women confuse us being visually stimulated with thinking about sex. Yes, when we see a good-looking woman, we're going to take notice. To say that means we automatically think about having sex with her — what are we? In the eighth grade? Men have several erections during the day and I think that can cause us to think about sex. Or, if we're in a relationship and we connect with our lady, sexual thoughts will typically happen. But when you're a Black man in America, trust me, you've got way more to [be] contemplating [about] than sex. It doesn't cross our minds as much as most women assume."

Anthony. Married. 40.

"If you do some of your own research, men naturally have more testosterone and that is what causes a lot of us to have a higher sex drive. If you've got a problem with that, take it up with God. But the notion that all we think about is sex is ridiculous. Some of y'all have been so sold on everything masculine being toxic that you think something is wrong if we're not just like you. Again, take the differences up with God."

"But no, we don't think about sex all of the time and we definitely want a woman to bring more to the table than that. And contrary to what a lot of women may think, sex really is better to us when there's an emotional connection. It's the difference between sex for a couple of months and us wanting to stroll through life with you."

3. Men Repel Marriage

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Dontay. Dating. 37.

"I'm not afraid of marriage. What I'm not gonna do is be pressured into doing it before I'm ready. I think it's crazy how a lot of women talk about wanting a man to lead and yet they are trying to push us down the altar at the same time. You will never get to ultimatum me into a wedding ring. All that does is show me that you will try and take over once we're official. That is unattractive as hell. And it has nothing to do with a wedding. Or being married."

Xavier. Single. 31.

"I've been wanting to be married since I was a freshman in college. I think what a lot of women don't realize is they seem to be open to getting married over and over again when things don't work out. Men aren't wired that way. We want to meet the right one and stay with her forever. And we'll take as long as we need to feel secure that we made the right decision. A grown man doesn't fear marriage. What guys have y'all been dating?"

4. Men Don’t Like After-Baby Bodies

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Charles. Married. 41.

"Remember when you said to me [Shellie] a while back that a lot of people out here aren't being 'shamed'; they are projecting? I felt that big-time. I don't know any men personally who think that a woman's body after having a child is unattractive. Sometimes the weight that remains, years after, can take some getting used to. But a woman being able to bring life into the world is sexy as hell. We don't care about no damn stretch marks. We want to get up in there, more than ever, actually. Let's make another one!"

Brenden. Engaged. 30.

"Why is it rare to see two big people together? I mean, women are always talking about how they shouldn't be fat-shamed and a lot of them do it to us. Anyway, I have two kids by two different women. Their bodies did change after giving birth, but it was the lack of sex, because they were so self-conscious, that bothered me more than anything their body was going through. A lot of y'all are super self-critical and try and put that on us. It's annoying because a lot of what you assume we're thinking about, hasn't crossed our minds at all. And what's really crazy is you wouldn't know because you haven't asked. You just assumed."

5. Men Have a Problem with Women Making More Money Than They Do

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Eugene. Married. 47.

"My wife and I have had seasons where I made more money and seasons when she did. I've been married 16 years now and I'll just say that men aren't nearly as threatened by or impressed with what you've got going on in your bank account. What can be annoying sometimes is the attitude that comes with it — that you don't need to listen to any of our thoughts or input if you make more bread. So, do we have a problem with you making more money? Hell no. Do we have a problem with a funky ass attitude if you do? Hell yes."

Stephen. Dating. 39.

"We want a partner. And not a financial consultant. It's like when women talk about what they bring to the table, it's a laundry list of accomplishments and money records. I recently watched a TikTok where a woman said that men simply want a woman who brings them peace. That's what I'm talkin' about. If you make more money than we do, that's cool. If we can't have a peaceful relationship whether you do or not, I can't tell you how much we don't care."

6. Every Man Wants a Big Ass

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Matthew. Dating. 33.

"Hell. This is a trick question because you know how y'all are — damned if we do, damned if we don't. This is gonna be on you because they don't know how to find me! No, all of us don't like these huge asses. Know what else? We can tell when they're fake and a lot of us hate fake anything. I like a woman whose body is real and proportioned. A little something in the back is cool. But so long as I don't have to worry about something sinking or inflating, I'm blessed."

Kenny. Single. 30.

"I think women listen more to other women about what they think men want. I like a nice ass. I do. But the past two women I've dated were pretty straight-up-and-down and they were still fine as f—k. Take good care of your body, whatever your shape is. That is what will catch our eye. Sure, men have preferences but if you're fine, we're gonna be interested. Ass or no ass."

7. All Men Agree with Kevin Samuels

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Walter. Married. 45.

"I'm going to say something that a lot of women don't like."

"It's mighty interesting that when all of these women coaches out here are telling you what we think that you're fine with it. Then when a man says, 'Actually, that's some bulls — t', you're mad. Kevin is spot-on when it comes to how entitlement is unattractive, we don't care about your resumè more than your actual personality and we do factor in raising other people's legacies [children]. That brotha isn't on the mark about everything, though."

"We don't all want a size 6 and I personally don't think you should stay with a man who cheats. Bottom line, he's got some good and bad to say. Most of us think for ourselves, though…just like you do."

Terry. Single. 31.

"I'm a man and I'll say that it's a trip how men weren't trying to hear Kevin when he was telling men to pull their pants up but are all about him telling women to take their bonnets off. It's hysterical! Kevin is just the big thing right now. It'll pass. I do think him saying that we're tired of women thinking they can run all over us is on-point. We've been sick of that. But if you think most of us live on his every word, Kevin Samuels isn't your issue. You not knowing us as well as you think is."

8. Men Are Threatened by a Strong and/or Powerful Woman

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Willis. Married. 44.

"Nope. Men aren't attracted to women who think they need to dominate men in order to appear strong and powerful — big difference. A man who is secure in who he is wants a woman who is a solid partner. Strength and power are two traits that can complement him really well. Some women watch too much Lifetime television."

Omar. Single. 32.

"Where do y'all get this stuff from? I swear. A strong and powerful woman, especially a Black woman, is amazing. What we don't like is a woman who thinks that strength and power means that she needs to emasculate us at every turn. If you want to 'be the man' in the relationship, get with a woman. But to think that success, money and popular platforms intimidate us, most of the women I know are like this and the men they are with think it's hot. Because it is."

9. Black Men Prefer Black Women…Who Look Like White Women

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Jerrel. Single. 34.

"I've got a question. Why is it that when Serena Williams married a white man, sistahs were all 'Yes, girl!' Then when a Black man chooses a white woman, he's a sellout? Y'all bars can be all over the place sometimes. Personally, I am more attracted to dark-skinned women. Always have been. But beauty is beauty. I don't know why so many people are hung up on if someone is light or not. To me, it's if they are attractive or not — skin tone should have nothing to do with it."

Zeke. Dating. 40.

"Looks like a white woman. It's like a lot of Black people need to take a history class on what genetics look like in our culture. So, if a Black woman is light and has curly hair, she 'looks white'? There are women in Africa who look just like that and they are just as African as dark-skinned women with kinky hair. I like Black women. I've dated all kinds of Black women. They're all beautiful to me. To me, because I am pro-Black, dating someone who isn't Black isn't an option for me. So no, I don't want someone who 'looks white'. I do accept that we vary though and if the lady I settle down with has light skin and loose curls, so be it."

10. All Men Cheat

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Gerald. Married. 28.

"I read somewhere that women cheat almost as much as men do, so I feel like this question needs to be presented to you guys more often too. When I was single, I wasn't always upfront with women about the fact that I was seeing other ladies. It's because I was single. I've been married for three years now and although I see beautiful women all of the time, y'all don't get how we feel when we've met our one. Cheat on her…for what? She's my best friend. The sex is amazin'. And I don't even connect with other women like I used to. All men don't cheat. The wrong ones do."

Vince. Engaged. 39.

"Do women realize how much work it takes to juggle multiple relationships? And what's crazy to me is, even though the stats continue to say that what, only 30 percent of men do it, we still get the 'all' word attached to us. A man who is about his business doesn't have time to cheat."

"I know men who have done it. I know guys who've never done it before. I cheated back in college. I haven't in my 30s at all. I'm out here trying to make money. What I will say is the guys who keep telling you that they don't want a relationship? They are prone to cheating if you keep pushing them because, what they are essentially conveying is, they like lots of women and exclusivity isn't their thing. Proceed with caution with them. But you're generalizing, big time, to think that all of us roll like that. And I thought women hated to be generalized."

There you have it. If there's any pushback, run these up the flagpole with your own male friends. For now, I'll just conclude with, if we spent a lot more time asking instead of assuming, we could probably communicate with the opposite sex a lot better. That is if we want to…which is another article for another time, chile.

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

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