Ever Wonder If Your Vagina Is Stressed TF Out?
When it comes to a year like this one (has it been a year, a decade or a century? It's hard to tell at this point), you've gotta do your best to look for the silver linings. For me, one of them has been learning how to implement even better boundaries while also learning how to be extremely proactive about staying as stress-free as possible. What's a trip about that second point is, when you really decide to get still and "tune in" to your mind, body and spirit, it can be a plum trip what is revealed.
Take our vaginas, for example. In the midst of all that's happening in your life right now, have you ever wondered how "she's" doing. How she's really doing? If, in the midst of everything, if she might be feeling a little stress, strain and/or anxiety too? If the thought hasn't really crossed your mind, but now that I asked, you're like, "How would I know if my vagina is stressed, sis?", I'm so glad that you asked. Take a moment, breathe in deeply (exhale deeply too) and check out some very telling indicators that your vagina might actually be stressed out AF right about now.
Are You Getting More Yeast Infections?
I don't know about y'all, but I honestly can't think of too many things that are worse than a yeast infection. The incessant itching alone is enough to literally make you feel like you're losing your damn mind! So, where exactly do they come from? Our vaginas naturally produce a certain amount of bacteria and yeast. But when either of those are thrown out of balance, the yeast (also known as candida) can grow out of control and—bam! An infection is oftentimes the result. As far as what triggers the overgrowth—medications (including birth control), pregnancy, hormonal levels being thrown out of wack, diabetes, sex (if your natural bacteria doesn't initially "gel" with your partner's) and a compromised immune system. Three things that can weaken your immunity are sickness, too much sugar and yes, stress. So, if a yeast infection has popped up as of late and you can't attribute it to any of the other causes that I shared, it very well could be a clear sign that you need to get your stress under control.
Stress remedy: One of the main ways to prevent a yeast infection that is triggered by stress is to up your probiotic intake and lower the amount of sugar that you consume. The probiotics (make sure that the brand you get has lactobacillus acidophilus, lactobacillus rhamnosus and lactobacillus reuteri in it; they're all good for vaginal health) are great because they will help to keep "good bacteria" in your gut and vagina. Less sugar is good because sugar is an enemy of your immunity; the less you consume, the healthier your body—including your vagina—will ultimately be.
Are Your Periods All Over the Place?
Something that I'm thankful for is the fact that my period is pretty regular. But something that I've noticed is if I've had a particularly stress-filled month, sometimes my cycle is thrown off by a few days. Although everything from birth control and pregnancy to thyroid issues, fibroids, hormonal shifts, excessive exercise and endometriosis can all cause your period to be semi-unpredictable, if you can typically set your watch (or app) by yours but the past couple of months, that hasn't exactly been the case, think back to how anxious, worried or stressed you've been. Believe it or not, when we're stressed out, that can affect the part of our brain that alerts our body to where our period should actually start. So, if yours seems to be shorter or longer than usual, don't underestimate that stress could most definitely be the cause.
Stress remedy: The main thing to keep in mind if your period is fluctuating due to stress is you need to get your cortisol levels down. You can do this by meditating, participating in yoga, drinking ginger tea (especially a week prior to when you expect your cycle to start) and taking a multi-vitamin. As far as vitamins go, make sure yours has a good dose of Vitamin D in it because studies show that a Vitamin D deficiency actually plays a role in irregular cycles.
Are Period Cramps Suddenly Totally Off of the Charts?
When it's time for our period to start, a chemical known as prostaglandins sends a signal to our uterus, letting it know that it's time to contract so that the lining of our uterus can shed (by the way, did you know that slightly upping your dose of ibuprofen, the moment your period starts, can actually delay it by a day or two? You can read more about that here). Pretty much all of us have some level of discomfort during this process (especially on day one); but if you basically are in so much pain that you're out for the count for the first 48 hours or so, you may have what is known as dysmenorrhea, which is just another word for a painful cycle. But what if you only feel this way, during your period, every once in a while? This is another thing that you may be able to attribute directly to stress.
Some research that I did revealed that women who are more stressed during the first half of their cycle tend to have harder time dealing with abdominal discomfort once their period actually came on. While medical professionals are still trying to get down to the root of why this is the case, a big theory is the stress hormone cortisol is elevated during stressful moments and that can alter our ovarian hormones to the point where we feel worse instead of better, once our cycle actually starts.
Stress remedy: While ibuprofen can definitely help to calm the period cramping and discomfort, if you know that your pain is brought on by stress more than anything else, consider taking a more holistic approach. Drinking more water will relieve bloating which decreases period cramps. Eating anti-inflammatory foods like berries, salmon, broccoli, grapes, tomatoes, dark chocolate and green tea can make the cramps less intense. Sipping on chamomile tea will inhibit the production of prostaglandins. Adding Vitamin B1 to your diet regimen will help to lessen the pain. And, getting more magnesium into your system—either via a supplement or by eating foods like cashews, almonds, spinach, whole grains and bananas—will help to relax your nerves and promote better quality sleep.
Is There a Ton (or Hardly Any) Discharge Happening?
Vaginal discharge is totally normal. That's why douching is an absolute no-no because, when you do that, you alter the pH level in your vagina and doing that can trigger an infection. And just how much discharge is considered to be normal? Eh. Normal is kind of relative in this case, but many health professionals say that a little under a teaspoon a day is the average amount. So long as your discharge is either clear, white or off-white and it's not irritating you (like itching or burning) in any way, you should be all good. But if you do happen to notice that either you're producing a ton of discharge or even hardly any, it could mean that you've got some type of infection or that you're stressed out. If your discharge is accompanied by extreme fatigue, a fever, abdominal pain, increased urination or unexplainable weight loss, make an appointment to see your doctor ASAP. If not, chalk it up to stress—at least for now.
Stress remedy: Again, if your discharge is normal but you've just got a higher amount, if you make sure to relax and get more rest, the amount should shift after a few days. Besides, extra (healthy) discharge is typically nothing to be concerned about. Just make sure that you're wearing cotton panties (be sure to check out "These Common Habits Are Actually BAD For Your Vagina" too), so that the extra moisture doesn't eventually turn into a yeast infection up the road.
Did You Just Get an STD?
I believe that I shared before that one time, I got chlamydia, mono and strep—all at the same time. The really tripped out part is I didn't go to the doctor for the STD; I went for the strep, but when the tests came back, they told me that I had chlamydia, that it has probably been lying dormant in my system for at least a year (hence, no symptoms), and the other illnesses are probably what triggered it. Moral to this icky lil' tale?
One, GET TESTED. Don't assume that since you don't feel anything, that you don't have anything. Secondly, don't assume that participating in "stress sex" will automatically make life better. What I mean by that is, if you're stressed out and you go looking for someone to relieve your stress with, your anxiety levels could actually compromise your immune system and that could have you out here far more vulnerable to catching a sexually transmitted infection (or disease).
Stress remedy: An STD is nothing to be ashamed of (over half of all Americans will get one at some point in their lifetime); however, it is something to be proactive about avoiding. If you're not in a long-term exclusive relationship (even if you are, you should still get tested every six months or so), to keep yourself from getting one (and to protect your partner), make sure to wear a condom. If you already do have one, make sure to complete whatever round of antibiotics that your doctor prescribed. Also, consider adding some garlic, goldenseal and olive leaf extract to your health regimen. All are naturally powerful and potent ways to detox your system while giving your immunity an extra boost.
Is Your Vagina or Lower Back Inexplicably Tender?
Did you know that, when you're stressed, it affects your breathing patterns? This, in turn, affects the amount of oxygen that your body receives which can actually put unnecessary strain on your mid-to-lower back? Plus, stress can make your vaginal walls extra dry which can result in your vagina feeling pretty tender.
Stress remedy: As far as your back goes, doing some stretches, both in the morning and before turning in at night can help to relieve some of the tension that you might be experiencing. When it comes to vaginal dryness, an awesome all-natural lubricant is virgin olive oil. That's because it's got all kinds of antioxidants, anti-inflammatory properties and a good amount of Vitamin E that will moisturize, soothe and even help to heal your vaginal and vulvar dryness. That said, make sure that you only use it as a personal lubricant and not for sex (with a condom) purposes. Oils tend to break down latex which means they can compromise your protection from STDs and pregnancy if you use them along with a rubber (if you wanna learn more about the best lubricants for sex, check out "If You've Always Wanted A 'Lubricant Cheat Sheet,' Here Ya Go").
Are You Absolutely NOT in the Mood?
I don't know about you, but one of my favorite things about my vagina is I'm able to have sex with it. Still, when you're stressed out, another sign can be that nothing about you (including your va-jay-jay) is in the mood. That's because stress has the ability to drain our energy, inhibit our testosterone and estrogen levels, intensify our anxiety levels and totally tank our libido. So, if sex is something that your typically down for, but lately, it's the absolute last thing that you want to do—ask yourself if anything is stressing you out. If so, that very well could be why you and your vagina are not having as much fun as y'all usually do.
Stress remedy: If you're not having sex—and your vagina is mad at you for it—due to stress, sex journaling can help you to narrow down what is triggering your worry and anxiety so that you can find a solution to what troubles you. You know what else can help you out? HAVING SEX. Whenever you engage in the act, it actually triggers endorphins and hormones like dopamine and oxytocin so that you feel happier and more relaxed. So, if sex isn't on your to-do list right now, add it. It could be just what your vagina ordered for her stress levels. Literally.
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Featured image by Giphy
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Back when I was in the process of getting my letters in life coaching, something that I spent a good amount of time on is empaths. When it comes to words that are used in the mental health space, it’s kind of interesting that there are two things that I, surprisingly, find narcissists and empaths to have in common.
For one thing, while many people have narcissistic and empath-related traits, far less folks are actually narcissists (meaning they havethe disorder) or are full-on empaths. And two, oftentimes, those two types of people are actuallydrawn to one another. While it’s kind of another article for another time how/why, for the sake of this article, empaths tend to want to help narcissists, and narcissists like to take that help for granted to the nth degree. That’s actually how a lot of folks with narcissistic tendencies and individuals with empathic traits end up being friends…or rather “friends.”
So, is that what we’re gonna talk about today? Eh. Not specifically. This is more about the fact that, as we get older and live and learn a little longer, you start to realize that “friend” is not a simple word and oftentimes we can struggle in our relationships with people because we don’t know enough about ourselves (and/or others) to figure out how to keep the connection healthy and mutually beneficial. An example of that is if you are indeed an empath and you’re trying to navigate through your relationships with people who aren’t or even…are.
Let’s explore that today. If you’re someone who has always wondered why you sometimes have challenges in your friendships that others do not seem to, it might just be that you’re what I call a “friend empath.” Read on to see if that is indeed the case.
Being An Empath. Revisited.
GiphyBefore getting into what it means to be an empath, let me just say that back when I discovered that I was an ambivert and I started to share the signs of one with other people, it was funny how so many folks who had never even heard of the word before suddenly said, “Yeah, I’m one too then.” Umm, that’s not exactly how it works. LOL. If you really want to discover things like that about yourself, it’s always a good idea to take an actual test. So, if you’re curious to know if you are a true empath (and not just someone who has some of the characteristics because most of us fall under that category), you can take a free testhere,here, andhere (you can also get an “official” assessment with a reputable mental health provider).
And what exactly is an empath? Probably one of the easiest and simplest ways to explain it isan empath is someone who is able to sense, feel, and understand what others do in a way that is very profound. A fictional character who immediately comes to mind isMay from the movie A Secret Life of Bees. If you saw the movie, you might recall that she would write her feelings down on a piece of paper, put them into a stone wall, and grieve. She did this so much to the point that one day, she couldn’t take the burdens of her feelings any longer, and she took her own life.
Being an empath definitely doesn’t mean that life has to be that heavy or grim; however, a common trait for pretty much all empaths is they are very sensitive, and that can make discourse in friendships and also the ending of friendships so much harder for them to deal with than anyone else.
For an empath, it’s almost like they take on the life of their friends and, should things come to an end, the heartbreak of it all, on some level, can seem to last for years — if not, on some level, forever. That’s oftentimes why many empaths prefer to only deal intimately with very few people; it’s literally all that their heart can take.
If all of what I just said actually resonates with you, yet you want to know some telling signs that you could very well be a friend empath (or one of your friends is a friend empath), here are six traits to pay very close attention to.
6 Telling Signs You Are A Friend Empath
1. You Tend to “Absorb” Other People’s Emotions
GiphyIf you’re a Christian and you’ve never taken a spiritual gifts test before (I Corinthians 12), I recommend that you do (a pretty thorough one can be accessedhere). Long story short, it helps you to understand some of the supernatural abilities that you have that help to edify the Church. The way that most people who specialize in spiritual gifts say that you should really focus on the results is the top three high scores (even if they are five or six different things); those are what you are the strongest in.
Anyway, if one of them happens to be faith, think about how you handle a lot of bad news or a ton of intel about a person or situation. If you prefer to limit your participation, you also may be an empath and not even know it. How did I come to that conclusion? It’s because I know several people with that gift, and all of them say that when they receive too much information, it weighs down their spirit, affects their ability to pray, and can even make them very sad. I think a big part of it is because in order to have faith, you’ve got to believe in things, and in order to believe, you oftentimes need to have some level of sympathy, compassion, and empathy — and if you get too involved, at the very least, it can become emotionally overwhelming to the point that what other people have going on could very well consume you.
With all this being said, think about when your friends call to vent something. Are you present for the call and then when you hang up, it’s easy for you to go on about your day — or does it affect you to the point where you feel stressed out on some level? Almost as if you are now going through the experience with them — or, on some level, even “for” them?
2. You Typically Get Your Feelings Hurt Rather Easily
GiphyI have a few bona fide empaths in my life, and in order to be a better friend to them, something that I’ve had to learn to do is be more sensitive to their feelings because, sometimes, they can almost come across as being super fragile. It makes sense because, on the heels of what I just said about how empaths take on other people’s emotions, there’s no way that they would be able to do that if they didn’t feel things very intensely within themselves, too.
For instance, something that I have to do with empaths is be more cognizant of my delivery and tone because they are almost hypersensitive to both.
For a true empath, the saying, “It’s not what you say but how you say it,” definitely resonates because when you’re in the process of communicating with them, it’s almost like all five of their senses (touch, taste, hearing, sound, sight) are involved. This means that if your body language seems off, they are going to notice. If you raise your voice to make a point, they might feel low-key attacked. If you say something flippantly because you’re irritated, they may take it up a few more notches and assume that you are angry.
Can all of this boil down to sometimes feeling like you’re walking on eggshells when you’re dealing with an empath? Quite frankly, yes. However, what makes it worth your while is the fact that the level of sensitivity that an empath will bring to you in your time of experiencing say, a death or a break-up, is incomparable. They aren’t casual or nonchalant by any stretch. They see your pain, feel your pain, and want to be very mindful and present with you in it.
And so, if getting that means that you have to be a little extra cautious with their feelings sometimes…so be it (although empaths, it’s also wise to let people know when you’re feeling a little “tender;” it’s not fair to expect others to assume since not everyone is an empath like you are).
3. You Are Prone to Do Most of the Giving
GiphyNow, if there is one thing that I can totally relate with a true empath on is doing most of the giving in relationships; at least, that’s how my world used to be back in the day. Because empaths are highly compassionate (which basically means that they see suffering and want to do all that they can to alleviate it), they have a tendency to go above and beyond to help others out. In fact, it’s pretty common for empaths to end up caring about and doing more for a person’s problems than the person themselves, whether the individual asked them to or not.
For empaths, they can’t see being any other way because if someone has a need, they are typically hyper-focused on meeting it.
Here's the real catcher: even if they are this way with friends who show reciprocity, they are almost always going to “outdo” them because empaths don’t always know balance. If one of their friends needs rent money, they might overlook their own bills to pay it. After a while, that can make their friends feel uncomfortable or even guilty because while they appreciate the empath’s efforts, that doesn’t mean that they think they should respond in the same over-the-top ways.
And don’t even get me started on the folks who take more than they give in the friendship. For them, empaths are like a walking ATM because they know that if anyone will take their sob stories to heart, their empathetic friend will — and if it means that the empath has to go without in order for their own needs to be met…so be it.
This brings me to something else about friend empaths: energy vampires will try to emotionally eat them alive.
4. Energy Vampires Are Drawn to You
GiphyEmpaths are very sensitive to energy — not just when it comes to people, either. In fact, another trait that is pretty common for empaths, in general, is they like to spend time in nature because it has a way of calming, centering, and replenishing them (so if you are friends with an empath and you want to show them how much you appreciate them, planning some sort of get-together in nature is oftentimes a wise choice). And because energy means a lot to them, energy vampires are always on the hunt for them.
What exactly is an energy vampire? The simple way to explain them is they are the type of people who are extremely draining to be around; some might even go so far as to define them as being toxic individuals. Why? Because of the things that they do.
Energy vampires are known to not take accountability for their actions. Energy vampires will play the victim a lot. Energy vampires might act as if they like you to your face; however, behind your back, they are either jealous of or competing with you (whether you realize it or not). Energy vampires constantly need attention. Energy vampires are always in some sort of drama. Energy vampires make mountains out of molehills. Energy vampires bring you down.
And you know what? I’m pretty sure that after all of what I just said about empaths, you can get why these types of people like empaths because if anyone is going to have tolerance for their “extra-ness,” it’s going to be an empath. And that’s why empaths have to be intentional about setting boundaries with these types of individuals.
In fact, because energy vampires can be a bit of a weakness for empaths, they might have to be a little more extreme than others and avoid being friends with these types of people altogether since saying “no” isn’t typically their strong suit.
5. You Can “Ghost” Folks
GiphyCharge it to what I do for a living (communicate…A LOT), yet if there is one thing that irks me to absolutely no end, it’s ghosting. Personally, I find it to be selfish, cowardly, and relationally irresponsible. Folks in my world know that if you want a line to be drawn, oh so very clearly in the sand with me, get ghost.
Interestingly enough, this is a common characteristic for a lot of empaths — although it’s usually not for malicious reasons. Because they care on such a deep level, sometimes their own feelings for others can overwhelm them; when that happens, what they tend to do is retreat, oftentimes without saying anything at all.
If you read that and are nodding your head up and down, let me just say that while other empaths may give you an automatic pass on this, people like me will not. It’s so much more effective — even if it’s via a text, email, or voicemail — to convey that you’re feeling a certain way and need some time to yourself than to abandon the friendship altogether and then expect someone to be fine with that and to pick up, just where the two of you left off, later on (whenever that later may be because…who knows?).
Yeah, as much as empaths may feel other people, they aren’t always or necessarily the clearest communicators on the planet. That’s something that can make being friends or in a romantic relationship with one hella challenging (at times).
6. Intimacy May Overwhelm You Sometimes
GiphyLast one. At the end of the day, intimacy is simply experiencing some level of closeness with other individuals, whether it’s mental, emotional, spiritual, or sexual. And again, because empaths feel so deeply, intimacy might be an internal struggle sometimes.
For instance, while they might be ready and willing to hear all of your problems, it could feel like pulling teeth to get them to do the same. Why? Because it’s natural for empaths to take on other people’s stuff, yet they oftentimes are “afraid” of the vulnerability that comes from sharing their own feelings, thoughts, and needs with other people. Why? Because if someone disappoints them, an empath may wonder if they will fully recover from it — and so, rather than take the risk, they keep (certain) things bottled up inside.
This is actually one of the reasons why I think it’s a good idea for engaged couples to take certain personality tests before saying “I do.” Imagine being married to an empath, not knowing it, and after a really heavy conversation or a very intense and intimate sexual experience, out of nowhere, they clam up on you. If you don’t know more about your partner’s personality traits, it can come off as out-of-nowhere rejection; if you’re aware that they are an empath, some extra tolerance and understanding will be easier to extend.
___
Was this a lot? I mean, in many ways, empaths are a lot. Still, if you know more about how they think and move, if you are one, that can make it easier for you to express what you need to others, and if you have a friend who is one, that can make it easier for you to understand how to be a good (and lasting) friend to them.
Author Dean Koontz once said, “Being an empath is like seeing with the soul.” And so yes, being a friend empath can be a true blessing — so long as all parties involved know how to handle it with care.
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