
Chilli And Mýa Share Their Secrets For Remaining Flawless And Fabulous

Something that I like about when a new show premieres is all of the press that happens leading up to it. Take VH1'sGirls Cruise (starring Lil' Kim, Chilli, Mýa, Vena E., B. Simone, Tiffany Panhilason and Char Defrancesco) that airs tonight at 8 p.m. (EST), for example. It's been about eight years since Chilli's reality series What Chilli Wants aired (on the same network) and, I don't recall ever seeing Mýa on a reality show before. So yeah, it's been a pleasant surprise to see them making their media rounds.
Over the weekend, something that I caught was a VH1 promo that featured Chilli and Mýa. At first glance, I thought to myself, "For Chilli to be 48 and Mya to be turning 40 this fall, they are killin' the game." They really are too. Both of them appear to have flawless skin, healthy hair and really good muscle tone. I was so impressed that I went back to the first TLC single ("Ain't Too Proud to Beg") when Chilli was around 21 and Mýa's first song ("It's All About Me" feat. Sisqo) when she was somewhere between 17-18 annnnd, I kid you not, neither of them look too much different than they did—wow!—over 20 years ago!
When anyone has the ability to barely age, of course, I want to know their beauty secrets. How cool is it that Chilli and Mýa took out some time to share what theirs are. Get this—virtually all of them are natural, affordable and, clearly, extremely effective.
"Some good genes and taking care of your body, your temple, that is the key right there because I have seen many Black, that cracked," Chilli mentions towards the end of the interview. "I'm not lyin'; it's the truth. So, I understand that saying but…"
Mýa agrees for the most part but adds, "I would definitely say that with darker skin, you can withstand the sun a lot longer and so…you are known for aging less and slower. But, Chilli's right. If you don't take care of yourself, or you're smokin' and drinkin' and abusin' your body, not hydrating or you know, drinkin' a lot of chemicals or eating a lot of chemicals, it's gonna show up on the outside, so take care of you..." Indeed.
That's the overall consensus from the ladies, but out of the little-over-four-minutes segment, here are some of their specific beauty takeaways that I think you might dig.
Chilli’s Beauty Secrets
"Listen, don't believe that saying when they say, 'Black don't crack.' It does crack. You have to take care of your skin…I'm a product junkie. I think that's very wise, because again, you don't know what's gonna work with your skin. Everybody's skin is a little different." Two things that Chilli are huge fans of are eye patches and drinking lots of water. Chilli also says, "And as much as I love the sun, it's really not a good idea to hang out too much in the sun."
Something else that Chilli does is use avocado on her hair. According to her, it's a really good hair mask. "Right when it turns brown and I'm like, 'I don't wanna eat it no more', you shouldn't throw it away…that's a waste. And honestly, water, water, water. If you stay super-hydrated, your skin…that pH balance is everything. It makes a huge difference in the body because…you want your body to be less acidic and more alkaline."
Mýa’s Beauty Secrets
"I am really into natural remedies to maintain the glow," shares Mýa. "I started with cucumbers on my eyes…I'm vegan, and so I believe, like, what you put in your body definitely affects your skin." Mya also notes that she doesn't drink alcohol but will make an exception for red wine due to the antioxidants that are in it.
Something else Mýa does is make her own peels out of fruits and vegetables. She also uses coconut oil as her make-up remover. "For masks, tightening, like I just use pure avocado and even mango," says Mýa. "It gives you a nice tightening and moisture." When Chilli asks if she makes a puree out of the food, Mýa shakes her head from side to side and says, "Nope. Straight from the peel. I take the avocado out of its little dish, mix it up and that's it. Even mango peels, I use the inside of the mango peel, where the mango residue is left over and it tightens your face." Mýa is also a fan of using shea butter as a sunblock and skin moisturizer.
As I was listening to these two beautiful women break their beauty regimens down, I didn't take lightly what they shouted out. If cucumbers and mangos have them lookin' like that, I wanted to make sure that I—and you—knew more about what we could get out of them. Here's what I discovered.
Water
If you're feeling drained, irritable or constipated, it just might be that you are dehydrated. If so, you're not alone either because, while our bodies consist of over 60 percent water, a whopping 75 percent of us are not only dehydrated, we arechronically dehydrated.
Something that both Chilli and Mýa sang the praises of was drinking plenty of water. It removes toxins, boosts energy levels, increases mental productivity, keeps joints feeling good and is even known to treat and prevent headaches and migraines.
And just what kind of water should you drink to get the most benefits? Reverse osmosis water literally uses reverse osmosis to remove most contaminants from the water. Word on the street is it's so pure that you can try and freeze it and it won't. Distilled water is a blander form, taste-wise, of reverse osmosis. Something to keep in mind with these is if you're not feeling well or you're fasting, they can be good options. But as far as drinking them every day, purified water doesn't only lack contaminants but minerals too; so, they might not need to be your daily go-to option.
Also, remember how Chilli said that it's important that your body is more alkaline than acidic? A type of water that will help to keep your pH levels in check is alkaline water. Because it has a higher pH balance than tap water, some believe that it is able to neutralize the acid in your system. Then there is spring water. Although it is marketed as being "natural", that's very similar to how "organic" is oftentimes misused for marketing purposes. Meaning, if you do decide to go with spring, do some research on the company that sells it before shelling out your cash. Also, read articles like "The Truth About Tap". Sometimes, you're better off just putting a filter on your faucet than buying or drinking bottled water (did you read about how arsenic is in some brands?!).
Oh, and if you're like me and you're not the biggest water fan or, worse, you tend to drink more soda than water (something that Chilli and Mýa say is an absolute no-no), perk the water up by making some infused water or drinking some sparkling or mineral water with a dash of juice in it. Not too much juice though, because they have recently linked consuming too much of that to cancer. SMDH.
Avocado
Something else that both Chilli and Mýa are fans of is the fruit avocado. As far as your insides go, avocados are loaded with Vitamin K and also have a good amount of vitamins B5, B6 and C, folate and potassium (more than a banana, in fact). Something else that's awesome about avocados is they don't have any cholesterol or sodium in them, and they are low in saturated fat. Some other benefits include the fact that they are able to keep your heart healthy, the fiber in them can keep you regular, plus they are able to lower your cholesterol and help your body to better absorb nutrients from plant-based foods.
One of the reasons why avocados are so good for your hair and skin is because they've also got plenty of antioxidants in them. If you want to try them as a DIY hair mask, simply mix one ripe avocado with two tablespoons of grapeseed oil, two tablespoons of raw honey and five drops of lavender essential. Mix everything together until the texture is smooth and creamy. Then apply the mixture to your freshly-washed damp hair. Let it sit (with a plastic bag on your head) for 30 minutes and rinse with warm, then cool water (to seal your hair's cuticles). Your tresses should feel really soft right after.
Cucumber
A food that is made up of more than 90 percent water is the cucumber. So yeah, if you're dehydrated, snacking on one of these (with a little bit of vinegar or sea salt) can get you some of the fluid that your body needs. Cucumbers also have a ton of Vitamin K in them, as well as Vitamin C, fiber, magnesium, manganese, potassium and even two grams of protein. Since cucumbers have so much water in them, they are a low-calorie food; this means they are great if you want to snack on something while you're trying to shed a few pounds. Cucumbers can also help to reduce blood sugar levels, detoxify your system and soothe muscle and joint pain.
Why do so many people put them on their eyes? Thank the combo of the Vitamin C and silica that's in cucumbers. Vitamin C helps to reduce inflammation. Silica is a mineral that heals the skin; it also makes hair and nails strong and shiny too.
If you want your skin to look dewy and youthful, try making some of your own cucumber mist. It's pretty easy to do, but probably easier to understand if you watched it being made. You can check out a video here.
Mango
It looks like you're reading this just in time because, although you might see mangos in your produce department year-round, they are actually at their peak from February until right around now (mid-July). Aside from how absolutely delicious mangos taste, they also contain a high amount of Vitamin C and copper (something you need more of if you're experiencing any premature greying). Mangos also have vitamins A, B5 and B6, E and K, along with potassium, manganese, magnesium, folate, niacin and fiber in them. All of these nutrients work together to boost your immunity, strengthen your eyes, increase your digestive health and lower your cancer risk.
The antioxidants in mangos will help to produce more collagen in your system so that you can have healthy hair and glowing skin. Take advantage of the properties in this particular fruit by combining four tablespoons of mango pulp with one teaspoon of raw honey and two teaspoons of sweet almond oil. Mix everything well and put it all on your clean face and neck for 15 minutes. Then rinse with cool water. If you do this once a week, you might be able to give Mýa a run for her money!
Shea Butter
Something that used to be an annual ritual for me was getting a big container of shea butter at the local African Street Festival. Now I buy mine on Etsy and, all these years later, if there's one thing that I think every Black woman should have in her possession, it's this. Shea butter is considered to be a "skin superfood" and rightfully so because it contains vitamins A, E and F, and oleic, linoleic, and stearic acids. Together, these properties deeply moisturize your skin; reduce any skin inflammation; minimize breakouts; soften the appearance of acne scars; protect the skin from UV rays (just like Mýa said); reduce the appearance of stretch marks; increase skin elasticity and make your lips extremely kissable. Just make sure to look for some raw and unrefined Grade A shea butter. Trust me, not all shea butters are one in the same.
If you want to make some of your own sparkling shea butter lip balm, this video will walk you through how to do it.
As you can see, Chilli and Mýa said more than a mouthful when they broke down some of their beauty secrets to us. So, next time you're at the grocery store, pick some of these items up. When it comes to looking radiant and beautiful, these foods (and the shea butter) definitely have your back. Chilli and Mýa have the looks to prove it.
Watch the clip in full here.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
9 Tips On How To Transition Into A Vegan Diet
10 "Healthy" Foods That Actually, Well...Aren't
Feature image from Vh1
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Your Guide To Letting Go Of What No Longer Serves You Based On Astrology
Letting go is a gift we are given and a strength that we find throughout our lives. There are times when we want to grab ahold of what we are experiencing and sensing, and times when we need to let go of something that was once everything to us or what we wanted for ourselves. The moment you conclude that you need to let something go in your life is the moment that your brain fights to make that happen for you.
In Astrology, there is an area of your birth chart that is designed for you to understand where you will be letting go a lot in this lifetime, and exactly how to do so. We dive through the birth chart as we seek a deeper understanding of ourselves and let go of what no longer serves us, and there are tools available to help us do so. If you don't know where your South Node is in your birth chart, you can use a free calculator like this one here.
What Does Your South Node Represent in Astrology?
When it comes to what we are destined to let go of or move away from in this lifetime, we look to the South Node. The South Node is the area of your birth chart that has to do with your past lives, karma, lessons, old habits and traits, gifts, and energy you are moving away from in this lifetime.
Your South Node is opposite your North Node, which is your destiny and the energy you want to move towards.
We can learn a lot from our South Node and it’s an area of our life where we tend to gain the most wisdom. By understanding why some patterns in your life tend to play out in the same ways, you can be more conscious of the choices you make in the now and let go of who and what doesn’t serve you in the process.
South Node Insights: Letting Go
The South Node is our natural gifts and talents, but also where we don’t need to focus so much of our energy on, taking us away from where we need to be developing, which is the North Node. So when you are looking to let go of something, gain a new perspective, or feel more trusting in what you are doing right now, you can examine your South Node.
We learn from our South Node by not making the same mistakes over again, letting go of what needs to be let go of, and understanding what we need in order to create space for our new beginning.
Read below for your South Node on how to let go of what no longer serves you.
Aries South Node: Letting Go of Independence for Connection
You are used to being independent and figuring things out on your own. In this lifetime, however, you are being asked to lean on others for support when you need it. You are working on letting go of the ego and focusing more on the heart. By extending your compassion for others, you discover a part of yourself that leads you toward empowerment and allows you to let go of a false sense of safety.
You are meant to experience harmonious, fortunate, and compatible love in this lifetime, and you will do so by opening your heart to others and letting go of people who don’t support you or whom you can’t count on.
Taurus South Node: Releasing Overdependence and Superficiality
With your South Node in Taurus, you are letting go of the need to acquire by focusing on the depth and intention of what you are obtaining. Your relationships tend to have a lot to do with your financial world, and these things can get twisted and distorted if you are not being careful.
In this lifetime, you are working on letting go of what doesn’t serve you by following your heart and your intuition more and focusing more on the feeling you want for yourself rather than the things themselves. You are also working on letting go of overdependence or superficiality in relationships, by connecting with the people whom you have a deep and spiritual bond with.
Gemini South Node: Finding Freedom in Authenticity
For you, letting go means following your freedom. You are meant to do things your own way in this lifetime, and the less you can focus on how you are going to be perceived, the more you can live the life of your dreams. With a South Node in Gemini, you are moving away from the commotion of life. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is traveling, getting out of your comfort zone, and being in new environments.
In past lives, you may have given too much of your focus on your social successes and business pursuits, and in this lifetime, you are meant to focus on the bigger picture. What helps you let go is understanding that once you do, better is available to you.
Cancer South Node: Trusting Yourself Beyond Emotional Impulses
With a South Node in Cancer, you are learning to trust yourself and your logic more than your emotional world in this lifetime. By letting go of feeling like you have to be the one to nurture and support everyone and allowing people to do that for you, you lead your destiny.
With your South Node in Cancer, you are letting go of emotional impulsiveness or making decisions irrationally before you have thought about them.
In past lives, you were led by your emotional world, and in this lifetime, you are meant to think more about your long-term goals and intentions. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is knowing that you are more than what you can give to others.
Leo South Node: Prioritizing Community Over Recognition
In this lifetime, you are working on letting go of the need to be seen and recognized and focus more on your need for community and soul companionship. You are moving away from the “I” and moving closer to the “We.” What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is giving your focus to humanity, the progress you want to make in this lifetime, and who you want to make it with.
You are learning how to work with others and let go of the need to figure everything out yourself. The more you connect with the people who make you want to team up and form a relationship, rather than the people who make you want to be alone, the better for you.
Virgo South Node: Embracing Compassion Over Perfection
In this lifetime, you are letting go of the need to do everything yourself and to have everything all together. You can let go of what no longer serves you by thinking more with your heart than you do with your mind and by trusting this gift of yours. By focusing more on your spirituality, emotional connections, and creativity, you let go of a timid side of you that can disrupt your relationships or the bonds you make.
In past lifetimes, you were focused on perfection. In this lifetime, you are meant to focus on compassion. By surrendering more to the flow of things, you can let go of what no longer serves you while remaining open for what does.
Libra South Node: Rediscovering Your Independence
With your South Node in Libra, you are meant to experience the gifts of independence, freedom, and inner clarity in this lifetime. In the past, you may have been more dependent on the people around you and made a lot of your focus on love. However, in this lifetime, you are being reminded to not lose your identity in others. You can let go of what no longer serves you by only moving towards the things that feel authentic to you.
You are meant to feel confident, inspired, and free in your relationships, and if you don’t feel this way, then that is a sign you are around energy that doesn’t serve you. You are meant to do things your own way in this lifetime.
Scorpio South Node: Letting Go of Struggles and Embracing Ease
With your South Node in Scorpio, you have lived many lives and have experienced a lot emotionally. In this lifetime, you are learning how to trust the process more and to understand that not everything has to be difficult or trying for you. You can experience great things with ease, and you’ll know you are in the right place when things are just falling into your lap.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is focusing more on the things and people who make you feel safe, stable, and comfortable. Instead of always seeking the rush or the thrill, bring your attention more towards the things that ground you.
Sagittarius South Node: Building Connection Through Learning
Your South Node in Sagittarius urges you towards connection with your community and your immediate environment. In this lifetime, you are letting go of the need to be everywhere at once, rather than with the people who matter most to you. You are moving away from knowing everything and into learning everything.
By looking at life as a place where you will learn, grow, and connect, you can let go of the things that stretch you too thin or don’t serve your heart.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is expressing yourself more, meeting new people, and spending time on a cause or creative project that inspires you.
Capricorn South Node: Choosing Home and Foundations Over Status
In this lifetime, you are meant to put more value and effort into your personal life, home, family, and foundations in life. In past lifetimes, a lot of your focus was on your reputation, achievements, and successes, and in this lifetime, you are meant to bring your energy more to the home base, family, and stability in life.
You will know if something is right for you if you want it because it makes you feel safe and nurtured, rather than just something that looks pleasing to the eye. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is by focusing more on your personal life rather than your public, and what you truly see for yourself here.
Aquarius South Node: Shining in Your Individuality
With an Aquarius South Node, you are meant to shine, be seen, and express yourself in this lifetime. You are letting go of the lone wolf energy you are used to, and working on taking up space. You are able to let go of what no longer serves you by being confident in yourself and the decisions you are making.
If someone doesn’t make you feel like the best thing in the entire world, then they aren’t right for you. In past lifetimes, you gave a lot of your energy to your community and the people around you, and in this lifetime, you are meant to focus on yourself and your path more. It’s all about doing what makes you feel good and trusting that you deserve to.
Pisces South Node: Honoring Logic While Embracing Intuition
Your lesson in this lifetime is that your mind is your gift. In past lives, you were very intuitive, psychic, and spiritual, and in this lifetime, you are learning to trust and honor the logical part of yourself more. You may tend to put your all into your relationships and not get the same energy back, and you are working on taking care of yourself first before you can give to another.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is trusting your body and the signals it gives you when you are around certain people or energy that doesn’t serve. Get organized, figure out your needs, boundaries, and wants, and get clear on who you are and what you want for yourself.
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Featured image by Guido Mieth/Getty Images
7 Sex Resolutions Every Single Woman Should Make For The Rest Of This Year
Where does the damn time go? It literally seems like just yesterday, that “Did We Just Become Best Friends?” Ulta commercial was playing incessantly on the television and now, we’re “looking over the fence” at Valentine’s Day. Goodness.
Anyway, if you took out some time to check out “Resolve To Evolve In 2025. That's It.” which was published earlier this month, you already know what kind of headspace I’m encouraging us all to be on until holiday commercials come back on the tube at the end of this year.
Evolving? It’s all about growing gradually — and if you happen to be a single woman who is also sexually active (or planning to be), I wanted to share some ways that you can “resolve to evolve” in that department from now through another ball dropping as well.
So, before you decide to, as the artist Mya once said/sang it, give the best of you to someone else, please read the seven promises that I think you should make to yourself about your own sex life — so that this year can be one that is filled with as much pleasure and as little regret as possible.
1. I Will Not RELY on Anyone Else to Protect My Physical Health and Well-Being
He got me pregnant. She trapped me. I honestly can’t believe how much I hear both of these things on social media, almost on a daily basis.
And while there is such an evil thing as stealthing (when a man lies about using a condom) and yes, there are also some women who say they are on birth control when they aren’t (and I loathe that lie as well), when you factor in that only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms at all (and even that isn’t consistently — SMDH), those of us with maturity and common sense know that more times than not, folks would rather blame someone else for unprepared consequences of their sex-related actions than take some real personal accountability…and nothing about that is wise, smart or good. Please don’t be one of those individuals.
If you’re not already in this mindset, make 2025 the year when you commit to getting tested twice a year, that you take charge of your own body when it comes to birth control (instead of relying on the declarations of another person) and that you will set firm guidelines and boundaries, BEFOREHAND, of what you expect from your partners when it comes to their own sexual health.
Because sis, even if you’re into casual sex, if you’re not proactive about protecting yourself, sometimes the outcome of copulation is anything BUT…casual. In fact, even as we speak, STIs/STDs, globally, are on the rise.
2. I Will Clearly Convey My Intentions (and Boundaries) on the Front End
Let’s circle back on the boundaries thing for a moment. Boundaries are limits, right? Recently, I was talking to a client, who is currently sleeping with more than one person, about how important it is to communicate with each individual about what her boundaries are: this includes intentions, expectations, and deal-breakers (check out “These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom”). And y’all, because sex can very easily (and oftentimes does) change the dynamic of a relationship, it is a good idea to talk about all of these things before the act happens — not after.
Before, you tend to be more logical. Before, you also tend to be more practical. Before, there is less of a chance that you will try and see things through rose-colored glasses (if the sex was good, I mean).Case in point. The client who I was just referring to? When I once before advised that she have this very conversation with a particular guy before coitus (because she said that she thought she saw a few red flags), she didn’t.
After everything went down, because he gave her more orgasms than she had experienced in a hot minute, here came all of the “rationalizations” about why he isn’t the best communicator and seems to only want to come to her place to “get up.” SMDH. When I asked her why she has a tendency to operate in this fashion, her exact words were, “I don’t want to put too much pressure on guys before we get involved.” Girl? GIRL.
If you’re not comfortable enough telling a man what your standards and requirements are, you shouldn’t be comfortable letting them enter into your being. A lot of people end up with their feelings super hurt and their health in a lot of jeopardy and it’s all because they didn’t make this vow to themselves. This year, please don’t be one of them.
3. I Will Not Act Like My Needs Are Being Met When They Aren’t
If when you read this one, the first thing that came to your mind is faking orgasms, that’s fair because it’s definitely one of the things that I am referring to (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP,” “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)” and “1 In 4 Men And Women Are Faking It—Science Explains How To Change That”). I don’t care how many articles and podcast talking points try and justifying doing it — faking is a form of deception, and it makes absolutely no sense to pretend that you are experiencing the peak points of pleasure during sex when you aren’t.
One way or another, it will lead to some level of resentment on your end and a sense of delusional reality when it comes to your partner. I’ve seen it transpire too much to back down on that.
However, this promise speaks to satisfaction across the board. For instance, I used to date a guy who was a horrible kisser. Just ugh. Unfortunately, I sat up and endured that mess for…a long time because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Then, when I did come up with what I thought was a more “tender” way of rectifying the situation, he got super sensitive: “You’ve been happy with it all of this time. Something else must be going on.” And y’all, that was actually a fair response on his part because if I had been acting like things were good when they weren’t — why am I just now bringing it up?
At the end of the day, needs are things that are deemed to be necessary or essential. When it comes to sex/sexual activity, please don’t be out here acting like “it’s all good” when it actually isn’t. If there is something that is necessary or essential for you to feel (holistically) good about the sex that you are having — SAY IT. It’s silly and counterproductive not to.
4. I Will Become a Student of My Own Sexuality
If you Google what sexuality is, AI is going to probably say something like this: “Sexuality is a person's sexual, emotional, and physical feelings and attractions towards others.” That’s fair. However, when I looked up sexuality on Dictionary’s site, I liked that the first definition was one’s “sexual character” because character is about moral and ethical values. It’s also traits that help to define you and your reputation. Character also plays a role in what makes you…YOU.
And since your sexual being is a very relevant and important part of who you are, then yes, you should make the time to figure out what your own sexuality is all about. Know what else? Since you’re ever-growing and transforming, you’ve got to be willing to accept that, in some ways, your sexuality is as well.
That’s why I say that it is so important to commit to being a student of your own sexuality. When it comes to the feelings that you have about sex, where did they come from? When it comes to what attracts you to certain people, where did that begin? How do you emotionally feel about sex and the people you choose to have sex with? What is your reputation when it comes to sex — how do you know? What are some distinct character traits that you would use to define your sexuality? How has your relationship with sex changed over the years?
Albert Einstein once said, “Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death” and if you think this doesn’t apply to sex, you couldn’t be more wrong. Recent reports reveal that people over 55 still have sex at least once a week and 1 in 6 adults over 70 do as well which means that you’ve got many more years to learn about yourself as far as sex is concerned. Please be open to that.
Trust me, you are doing yourself a huge disservice by not making room to learn, shift, and transform when it comes to sex. So, this year, get into some sex journaling in this department (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). The more that you discover and document about your sexuality, the easier it will be to accept yourself and also articulate who you are, when it comes to this area and aspect of your life, to others.
5. I Will Not Mistake How Sex Makes Me Feel for What the Relationship Actually Is
The reason why I’ve penned articles for the platform like, “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” “What If The Sex Is Great? But The Relationship Sucks.” and “Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner” is because two things that show up, chemically, during sex (especially orgasm-filled sex) is dopamine and oxytocin. Dopamine helps to make you feel good while oxytocin bonds you to the people you have sex with.
This means that even science is all up in your business when it comes to sex — and yes, since coitus tends to feel great and make you feel closer to your partners, it’s pretty easy to understand how and why you could confuse satisfying sex for a genuine long-term connection with someone.
And so, just to make sure you can “see clearly” when it comes to having sex vs. being in a relationship, when you’re in a (healthy) relationship with someone...
- You and your partner agree that you both are on the same page
- Nothing is “complicated” because you want the same things
- There is reciprocity
- There is regular and open communication
- There are clear expectations
- You both know each other’s needs and wants — and enjoy meeting them
- There are mutual and consistent displays of empathy and affection
- You are a part of each other’s worlds (people, places, things and ideas)
- Future plans are made with ease
- Instead of stress and anxiety, there is peace — mutually so
If you can’t say this about who you are having sex with, I don’t care how many orgasms he gives you, while y’all may be in something (like a situationship), you aren’t in a relationship (don’t believe me? Ask him). If you are fine with that, cool. All I’m saying is don’t try to turn sex into something that it’s not. Orgasms are a sign of sexual fulfillment. Those other 10 signs are indications that a real relationship truly exists.
6. I Will Not Sacrifice My Mental and Emotional State for Physical Pleasure
Just this morning, I sent an article to a friend of mine that featured signs that you have a good amount of self-respect. Some of the signs included not tolerating being taken for granted, not allowing emotional manipulation, and not tolerating dishonesty. I sent that to her because she is currently in a situationship where she definitely is allowing a cyclic form of disrespect (inconsistency, gaslighting, etc.) from a guy and that tends to happen when we don’t respect our own selves very much.
Know what else is interesting about ole’ boy? She says that he continues to be the best sex that she has ever had — and here’s the thing about that: when someone makes you feel great on a physical level, it can be easier than you might think to ignore how they make you feel on a mental and emotional one.
If reading what I just said triggered you on some level, that’s a sign that you shouldn’t take it lightly. I have said it before and I’m sure that I will say it a billion times more before I close my eyes for the last time on this planet, that sacrifice means to give up something good for something greater — and you should never EVER think that sacrificing mental and emotional health and stability is a smart move, so long as your sexual needs are being met.
Nor should you lie to yourself and say that if a man makes you feel good, that automatically means that he is good for you. If you’re confused, upset, crying, chasing, or drained with said guy more times than not…you are exactly who I am talking to…too.
7. I Will Choose to Sexually Evolve — Constantly
A few years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go.” To this day, the married couple who are mentioned in the piece? They are struggling in the bedroom department (even after over two decades of marriage) and a big part of it is because the wife has evolved into wanting other things, sexually, while the husband refuses to accept it. It has resulted in a pretty much sexless marriage which is really nothing more than glorified roommates.
This can happen when one or two people refuse to evolve — yes, even sexually. And the sad part is when you don’t opt to grow, even in the sex department, it can prevent you from discovering and experiencing so many other things about sex, you and your partner.
So yes, as I close this out, don’t let 2025 pass you by without also putting forth the concerted effort to (safely, wisely, and purposefully) SEXUALLY EVOLVE. To sexually ADVANCE. To sexually MATURE. To sexually EMERGE. Sex is too big and vast to settle for only what you know about it and you (as it relates to sex) now. Be a student, “graduate” from some things, and evolve into other ones.
Sex can handle it. And so can you.
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