Ask Ayana: He Moved To Another Country & Goes MIA For Days, What Do I Do?
Dear Ayana Iman: My boyfriend moved to another country and he goes MIA for days and weeks; he says that he's busy with work. I just don't know what to do - it's a mess!
I hate to break it to you, but he's just not that into you. He has physically and mentally checked out of this relationship and failed to give you the courtesy of letting you know.
Unless he became a secret agent, there is no amount of work that would keep him from communicating with loved ones. These actions are those of someone who intentionally wants to create space. Going silent for days and weeks shows a lack of care, empathy, or regard for your time and feelings.
The distance isn't the issue; in fact, you can have a fulfilling healthy relationship that spans across continents. In order to do that there has to be a commitment from both parties that includes clear rules of engagement: the lines of communication, expectations of each other, visitations, and most importantly, an actual effort.
I know you love him. At this time, you have to love yourself more.
We are in the last quarter of the year – leave this mess in 2018.
Dear Ayana Iman:I'm six months pregnant and currently in school. How do I stay focused on achieving my goals when I'm faced with heartache, mental breakdowns, and a lack of motivation? I really want to get my Masters so I can be financially stable for my child but I feel stagnant.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this during such a transitional time in your life. It sounds like there may be some issues surrounding the relationship with the child's father and/or your acceptance of becoming a mother – or possibly your family. Whatever the cause of your current grief, you need to acknowledge it and accept the reality of the situation. Practicing radical honesty will help you deal with the bad stuff as a way to get to the good stuff.
The fact is you can't change other people, but you can empower yourself and that starts when you decide it's time for a change. How about now?
You are a culprit in your own unhappiness. Own your part in it.
There are opportunities to grow from this to decide what's important to you. You already have one goal, which is to obtain your Masters degree. With such a big commitment, you deserve to get the most out of your grad program so that you can make the necessary connections to land a position that's financially rewarding and fulfilling. If there's a possibility to delay attendance next semester, you can spend that time nesting and really getting prepared for this new chapter as a mom. I understand the discomfort that can come from delaying graduation, but your best work comes as a result of focus and right now it doesn't seem like it's there. I just need you to know that this too shall pass. You are bigger than your circumstances. Taking a step back could allow you to prepare for your greatest comeback.
This child needs you to push through. Masters or not, you hold the power to make waves.
Owning your power comes with the weight of responsibility of being kind to yourself and others, eliminating relationships that don't serve you, and removing yourself from situations that don't promote growth.
Pregnancy comes with its own set of emotions, and I sincerely hope you're able to find joy while carrying your baby. Once you give birth, you can't get those moments back. Babies are intuitive and can feel your emotions. I suggest when you're feeling down to take a pause and a deep breath, and then speak love over your child. This simple step will help you redirect negative energy into positive affirmations. Here are a few to get started with:
- I trust my body.
- I delivered a beautiful and healthy baby.
- I am a strong and capable woman.
- I now feel inner peace and serenity.
- I am love.
Wishing you happiness and excitement during your third trimester.
With Love,
Ayana Iman xx
Featured image by Shutterstock
Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Curate The Vibes With These Black-Owned Candles For Every Mood
Black women of the 90s and early 2000s had incense, and Black women of today are fully embracing our luxury candle era. Candles have become just as important as our perfume selections, and as a luxury candle connoisseur, I keep all of my favorites in stock in my storage closet.
Whether you’re moving out for the first time and want to try new scents or looking to set the mood for a self-care day or sexy evening, consider these Black-owned candle brands to curate the vibe you’re looking for.
If You’re Feeling Bad & Bougie
The Original Candle
If you’re the bougie friend of the group, this candle is for you. Hanifa has become a staple luxury brand; with celebs like Tracee Ellis Ross, Jennifer Hudson, Naomi Campbell, and Danielle Brooks seen in her designs, they have become everyone's favorite brand. They recently launched their first candle, The Original. The candle is infused with notes of mandarin, orange blossom, caramel, sandalwood, jasmine sambac, and vanilla.
When Wash Day Comes...
"Wash Day" Candle
Cavo
Need some inspiration to get up and section that hair so you can get to washing? Not to worry. This pineapple, mango coconut milk, and sugar candle will have your house smelling as good as your favorite conditioner.
Wellness Girl Necessity
Sunday in Brooklyn Candle
If you’re a girl who loves clean scents that clear the energy in your home and feel like the best Sunday you ever had, you need this candle. Infused with wild basil and lemongrass, it’s guaranteed to help you find your zen.
For Sunday Brunch If You’re Hosting
Champagne Showers
Champagne Showers is the perfect candle for a birthday celebration, Sunday brunch night in, or toast to your next big win! The candle includes a blend of bright bergamot, peach fizz, and creamy woods. It’s a bubbly fragrance that’s as sophisticated as our girl, Jackie Aina.
After You Listen To SZA
"After A Good Cry" Candle
Cavo
Let the tears flow, and let the healing begin. This rainwater, lavender, vanilla, and bean and bourbon candle is just what the doctor ordered if you’re getting over a breakup. But once you’re done crying, just remember you're worthy of much more, okay?
For The Lover Girl Era
"Love" Luxury Candle
If you’re done crying and have found the one you’ve been waiting for, let this candle burn as warm as your love for your new boo. Harlem Candle Co.'s "Love" fragrance represents a dramatic, romantic theme with both masculine and feminine accords melding beautifully together, infused with crisp apple and watery green notes.
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Featured image by Maskot/Getty Images