Dear Ayana Iman: My boyfriend moved to another country and he goes MIA for days and weeks; he says that he's busy with work. I just don't know what to do - it's a mess!
I hate to break it to you, but he's just not that into you. He has physically and mentally checked out of this relationship and failed to give you the courtesy of letting you know.
Unless he became a secret agent, there is no amount of work that would keep him from communicating with loved ones. These actions are those of someone who intentionally wants to create space. Going silent for days and weeks shows a lack of care, empathy, or regard for your time and feelings.
The distance isn't the issue; in fact, you can have a fulfilling healthy relationship that spans across continents. In order to do that there has to be a commitment from both parties that includes clear rules of engagement: the lines of communication, expectations of each other, visitations, and most importantly, an actual effort.
I know you love him. At this time, you have to love yourself more.
We are in the last quarter of the year – leave this mess in 2018.
Dear Ayana Iman: I'm six months pregnant and currently in school. How do I stay focused on achieving my goals when I'm faced with heartache, mental breakdowns, and a lack of motivation? I really want to get my Masters so I can be financially stable for my child but I feel stagnant.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this during such a transitional time in your life. It sounds like there may be some issues surrounding the relationship with the child's father and/or your acceptance of becoming a mother – or possibly your family. Whatever the cause of your current grief, you need to acknowledge it and accept the reality of the situation. Practicing radical honesty will help you deal with the bad stuff as a way to get to the good stuff.
The fact is you can't change other people, but you can empower yourself and that starts when you decide it's time for a change. How about now?
You are a culprit in your own unhappiness. Own your part in it.
There are opportunities to grow from this to decide what's important to you. You already have one goal, which is to obtain your Masters degree. With such a big commitment, you deserve to get the most out of your grad program so that you can make the necessary connections to land a position that's financially rewarding and fulfilling. If there's a possibility to delay attendance next semester, you can spend that time nesting and really getting prepared for this new chapter as a mom. I understand the discomfort that can come from delaying graduation, but your best work comes as a result of focus and right now it doesn't seem like it's there. I just need you to know that this too shall pass. You are bigger than your circumstances. Taking a step back could allow you to prepare for your greatest comeback.
This child needs you to push through. Masters or not, you hold the power to make waves.
Owning your power comes with the weight of responsibility of being kind to yourself and others, eliminating relationships that don't serve you, and removing yourself from situations that don't promote growth.
Pregnancy comes with its own set of emotions, and I sincerely hope you're able to find joy while carrying your baby. Once you give birth, you can't get those moments back. Babies are intuitive and can feel your emotions. I suggest when you're feeling down to take a pause and a deep breath, and then speak love over your child. This simple step will help you redirect negative energy into positive affirmations. Here are a few to get started with:
- I trust my body.
- I delivered a beautiful and healthy baby.
- I am a strong and capable woman.
- I now feel inner peace and serenity.
- I am love.
Wishing you happiness and excitement during your third trimester.
Ayana Iman xx
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