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Are You Dating A Gaslighter? Here Are 6 Ways To Tell.
I gotta admit that, right as I sat down to start writing this out, I found myself getting a little triggered. Even though I've been a marriage life coach for quite some time now, it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I really started studying the kind of mind games that narcissists and gaslighters play. And boy, are they doozies! When it comes to my own journey with these types of people, there is one guy, in particular, who was a master gaslighter in my life for many years. It wasn't until I stepped back and looked at the relationship from more of an outside-looking-in perspective that I saw just how emotionally abusive and manipulative he actually was. That's what's a trip about gaslighting. It can mess with your mind, heart and spirit so subtly yet so destructively that it will literally have you out here wondering if you're the crazy one.
Uh-huh. Did you just read that sentence and already feel a couple of knots forming in your stomach? If so, I'm going to share with you some clear-and-in-present-danger red flags that I experienced while being involved with a gaslighter. If you happen to see any of these in your own situation, please get out—or at the very least, some serious therapy—as soon as possible. Gaslighters tend to not be happy until they have felt like they've burned your entire soul to the ground. Even then, they will keep coming back to do more damage…if you let them.
GASLIGHT SIGN #1: He Doesn’t Take Responsibility for His Actions
First up. A gaslighter is a master deflector. No matter what promise they've made and broken, no matter what they've done that is straight up wrong, no matter what words they've said that have hurt you to the core, if you confront them about it, they will A) act like they don't know what you are talking about; B) try and make you feel like you are exaggerating or that you're being childish or petty and/or C) find some kind of excuse to make you feel guilty for bringing the issue(s) up in the first place. What all of this basically boils down to is they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. The main problem with this is, anyone who doesn't want to be held accountable in life is someone who is not only not emotionally mature enough for a real relationship, but they're also someone who will probably hurt you over and over again. The reason why is it takes seeing and acknowledging what someone has done wrong in order to change one's behavior. You can't do this for them. They have to want to change all on their own. Gaslighters are so arrogant that rarely do they see the need to.
GASLIGHT SIGN #2: He Makes His Problems Your Fault (or Burden)
Something that a lot of gaslighters and narcissists have in common is childhood trauma and abuse, whether it be physical, mental, emotional, sexual or even spiritual (yes, there is such a thing as spiritual abuse; oftentimes, it's when one person manipulates religion in order to control someone else). When we don't heal from those wounds, we come up with cryptic and/or distorted ways to cope with our problems and issues. One way of doing that is to always make things someone else's fault.
When it came to the gaslighter that I was involved with, I remember one time when he lied to me about a relationship that he was having with another woman. When we all happened to be in one spot (a parking lot), this joker hopped into his car and drove off, leaving both this young lady and myself staring at each other. Because she nor I knew the history of our connection with him, she totally caught me off guard by telling me ALL of their business, including how he told her that they were going to get married and have kids someday. The next day, when he and I spoke, he yelled at me, claiming that I pressed her for the info (when really what happened was I got blindsided). He then told me that it was my fault that I found out that they were sleeping together…for years. Not once did he apologize for hiding the situation. He didn't address how getting ambushed like that hurt my feelings either. He just went on and on about how inconvenienced he was.
Sound crazy? Of course, it was. Gaslighters are crazy. Because their job is to alter your sense of reality and stability, they intentionally (and oftentimes aggressively) make it their mission to make you think that everything that is messed up in their world is somehow your fault. That way, you'll feel guilty to the point of believing that you should stick around to make things right…even when you've done absolutely nothing wrong.
GASLIGHT SIGN #3: You’re Always Justifying His Toxic Behavior
He hits me because he loves me. That is oftentimes the mentality of someone who is in an abusive relationship. Well, make no mistake about it, being involved with a gaslighter is definitely about being caught up in an abusive situation. He is unfaithful yet somehow you think it's because you're not cute enough or didn't please him enough. He does something wrong and you're the one who ends up apologizing. He doesn't meet your needs and so you find yourself doing more and giving more, hoping that it will motivate him to "show up" more often. Then, when your loved ones confront you about ish like this, you immediately get all sensitive and come to his defense. As insane as it seems, you actually find a way to try and justify why you are overextending yourself to the point of almost breaking. Meanwhile, the gaslighter is somewhere grinning to himself because he knows that, so long as you're taking up for his BS, you won't ever get around to calling him out on it—or better yet, setting boundaries, ending the relationship and moving on.
GASLIGHT SIGN #4: You Never Fully Know Where You Stand
This one really pisses me off to no end. It can't be said enough that the root word for relationship is relate. To relate is "to bring into or establish association, connection, or relation". And you know what? There is absolutely no way that you can relate without having some open and honest communication with the person you are seeing. While I think it's another article for another time that it's a huge sign of insecurity if you need to ask your significant other, "What are we doing?" every other week, there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking clarity in areas where you may not have it (check out "Three Dates In. Should The Two Of You Move Forward? Or Not?" and "The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have"). If you try to have this kind of dialogue with a gaslighter, they will try and make you seem silly, maybe even "crazy" or troubled, because, the last thing they want to do is get real with you (or really anyone else). In their mind, so long as they can "bait you" with an emotional carrot, they are perfectly content. Because so long as you're wondering where things stand as you stand around romanticizing the situation as you hope for more, the easier it is for them to keep you on their proverbial hook. For how long? Years, if you let them (trust me, I would know).
GASLIGHT SIGN #5: You Look for Him, the Gaslighter, to Validate and Affirm You
Something that my clients know about me is, I do everything that I can to avoid using the word "vulnerable" as it relates to their interaction with one another. Because I am a pretty word-literal person and I know that vulnerable means "capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon" and "open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.", the last thing I want couples to get into the habit of doing is thinking that one of the closest people to them should be seen as a weapon or an individual who constantly subjects them to moral attacks or constant criticism. Your partner should be a safe place and space. That's why I prefer the word, "dependent". It means "relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.". When you're dating someone who is healthy, you can be dependent upon them. But when you're with a gaslighter, vulnerable is exactly what you are, pretty much at all times.
In many ways, gaslighters are a lot like, as sex trafficking survivor and author Cyntoia Brown Long calls certain types of pimps, Romeo pimps. If you've ever read about a pimp's initial approach, he flatters and affirms a woman until she feels like she is precious to him; like he would never hurt or harm her. Then, once her defenses are down, he starts to tear her apart, bit by bit (although he wasn't exactly a pimp, Tank's character in the movie,The Preacher's Kid, depicted this pattern quite well). Why would any woman stay with someone who treats her that way? Because the guy initially built her up so high that she feels as if she needs his validation and approval in order to feel like she is of any true worth or value.
This is why gaslighters prefer people who have low self-esteem. In fact, you hardly ever see them with individuals who know they are the total bomb. When we recognize what we are truly deserving of, there is very little room for game-playing or emotional rationing. I know this because once I saw my own self, the gaslighter in my life ceased to hold much presence of even relevance to the point that, one day, he wasn't gone. I simply left. (Ain't heard much from him since either.)
GASLIGHT SIGN #6: You Feel Unstable, Uncertain and Unfulfilled Most of the Time
One more point about my former gaslighter. Have mercy, y'all. It's amazing—and in this case, by "amazing", what I mean is sad—how much your affinity for someone can cause you to overlook all kinds of toxicity. For instance, towards the end of my relationship with Sir Gaslighter, I said to him, "Don't act like our relationship was all in my head. Do you know how many times you've said I was 'the one' over the years?" Guess what he said back? "I mean, Shellie, I have the right to change my mind. Sometimes I feel like you're the one and sometimes I don't. It's still that way." This ninja.
Do you know what that translates to? First, a load of customized BS. Second, what he's basically saying is, "I'm going to say and do enough to keep you hanging on because I like how you benefit me. But I'm not going to give you what you deserve because I couldn't care less about your needs being met in return." Of course, he didn't care because gaslighters never really do. Gaslighters are selfish. Gaslighters are control freaks. Gaslighters aren't looking for love; they are, as I once heard Judge Lynn Toler refer to someone as being, "romantic criminals". And you know what criminals do—they do things that hurt others for the sake of personal gain, even if it puts normal morals and standards at stake.
Girl, I already know. If you just now recognized how much of a victim of a gaslighter you've actually been, it can be a really hard pill to swallow. Choose to see it as a supplement, though. Now that you see the manipulation and control for what it is, you can start taking steps to get control of your heart and even your life back.
Your gaslighter may be fine, charming and even great in bed. But I promise you, by design, he means you absolutely no good. All he's doing is abusing you and no good can ever come from that. Do your self-worth and his ego a huge favor—put the "fire" out. Let. Him. Go.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Summer Travel Guide: 9 Safest Vacation Spots For Black Women
When it comes to planning and choosing our international travels, there’s one question that is bound to come up: “Is it safe for Black women?”
At times, our travel plans can be halted by whether or not our desired destination is safe not only for solo travel but for overall protection as women of color. We want to have fun, go on excursions, taste the food, and let our hair down, so the last thing we need on our minds is navigating microaggressions and worrying about our safety.
According to a report by The Mandala Research Firm, 17% of Black Americans take one or more international trips and travel locally more than six times per year. Even more exciting, 42% of Black Americans said they would spend more in 2020 on travel than in 2019 (pre-Covid), and 50% of Black adults (16% more than the general population) are more likely to travel to locations associated with their ethnic or cultural heritage. All of this goes to show that we’re not afraid to pack our bags and book flights to our heart's desire.
Our passion for travel and exploration highlights a growing desire to connect with a wide range of cultures while discovering new fresh locales. By choosing destinations with positive reputations for safety and belonging, you can enjoy your next adventure with peace of mind. And to help, we’ve provided a list of the best vacation spots to add to our travel bucket list.
1.Havana, Cuba
Known for its vibrant culture and welcoming locals, Havana offers a unique travel experience for you and your girlfriends. Stroll through the historic streets of Old Havana and immerse yourself in the lively music and dance scenes that make this city unforgettable.
2.Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Famous for its Carnival, stunning beaches, and warm hospitality, Rio de Janeiro is a lively and safe city to explore all year long. Don't miss a visit to the iconic Christ the Redeemer statue and the bustling Copacabana Beach for a true taste of Rio's energetic spirit.
3.Belize
With its beautiful beaches, diverse wildlife, and laid-back Caribbean vibe, Belize is a safe and adventurous destination for travelers. Discover the underwater wonders of the Belize Barrier Reef and explore ancient Lamanai Maya Ruins.
4.Paris, France
Who doesn’t have Paris, the city of lights, on their travel list? Renowned for its art, fashion, and iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Paris offers a blend of romance and safety for travelers. Wander through the charming neighborhoods of Montmartre and Le Marais, explore the Louvre, and indulge in the city's exquisite culinary delights.
5.Lisbon, Portugal
Portugal's capital city, Lisbon, charms visitors with its historic architecture, delicious cuisine, and welcoming atmosphere. Enjoy breathtaking views from São Jorge Castle and savor traditional pastries at the famous Pastéis de Belém bakery.
6.Bali, Indonesia
We’ve all seen the viral photos off the Bali coast and Gates of Heaven, so why not make it a reality? Famous for its lush landscapes, vibrant culture, and serene temples, Bali offers a safe and enriching travel experience in Southeast Asia.
7.Tokyo, Japan
Recently, the value of the Japanese Yen has seen a significant drop, making it the lowest it has been against the dollar since 1986, which also means that there’s no better time than now to make your travel plans to the renowned cultural hub.
8.Accra, Ghana
There’s no FOMO like the kind felt from seeing all the beautiful faces enjoying their holiday at Ghana’s Afrochella Festival, so let this be your sign to start planning the trip now. Often referred to as a welcoming home for the African diaspora, Ghana offers rich cultural experiences and a sense of belonging. Explore the vibrant markets of Accra and visit the historic Cape Coast Castle to connect with the nation's poignant past.
9.Seoul, South Korea
You may be surprised to find this city on the list, but for Black travelers, Seoul is said to be one of the safest and most exciting cities to travel to. There will be plenty to eat, buy, and experience from this city’s rich history and culture.
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