Something that I've heard many therapists say before is, that because a lot of parents don't know how to appropriately and responsibly discipline their children, not only do they end up breaking their spirit before they become adults, but they can infect their natural sense of courage and inborn sense of creativity too. As a survivor of childhood abuse, I will wholeheartedly agree with that.
Yet, if there's one thing that I would add to that insight is, that poor discipline tactics (coupled with plain ole' lazy parenting skills) can also prevent babies, toddlers, children, and adolescents from 1) understanding what different emotions are and 2) how to process them whenever they have them.
That's why, whenever I'm dealing with a client who has young kids, something that I recommend is they invest in a childhood emotion chart (like this one here; if you're an adult who thinks you need one, you can check out one here). Proverbs 4:23 instructs us to guard our heart, a definition of heart is "center of emotions," and I truly do believe that the more in touch with our feelings we are, the more we can understand which emotions we should nurture, which ones are helpful or harmful—and which ones are alerting us to when someone isn't an individual who needs to be in our close, intimate and sacred space.
That's exactly what this article is devoted to. Because our emotions are so precious, if there are six types of people who you should consider a threat to your overall emotional health and well-being, these would have to be it. Hands down.
1. Manipulative People
Manipulation is a form of control. It's one of the things that I deal with often when I'm counseling married couples. If you've got an overall sense of what manipulation looks and lives like, but you'd appreciate me providing you with some clear character traits, I've got you. Manipulative people like to guilt-trip folks. Manipulative people play the victim whenever they are called out on their ish. Manipulative people rationalize their BS while many times deflecting away from accountability while trying to make you (or someone else) the cause of their poor decisions or offenses.
Manipulative people will do things you want them to, ONLY when they desire to get something from you in return. Manipulative people are mad passive-aggressive (you can check out an informative video on how passive-aggressive folks get down here). Manipulative people "play dumb" in order to gaslight you (in other words, when you confront a manipulative individual, they might act like they don't know what you are talking about in order to shake your sense of clarity or confidence). Manipulative people live for playing mind games. Manipulative people, in a nutshell, are the absolute worst.
Chances are, you know at least one truly manipulative individual. Because they want to put you on a set of puppet strings, it's important to not get heavily invested in them on the emotional tip because that is how they are able to control you so well. And what if you're already married to a manipulative person or you've got family members, co-workers, or other people you deal with daily who fit this bill? Boundaries.
Firm boundaries are good. Purchasing the book Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (and/or Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships) can provide you with some a-ha moments to get you on the right track.
2. Opportunistic People
There is a particular guy who was in my life for many years. We had so much in common and our chemistry was so strong that I actually fell for him pretty hard. It wasn't until I realized that he was a total opportunist—not just with me but many others—that I recognized that a lot of his, how shall I say it, "participation" in our dynamic was more about what he could get out of me than actually wanting to be in my life simply because of who I am as a person.
Coming to this realization was pretty painful because it can be hard to accept that opportunists are basically chameleons; they will adapt themselves to whoever and whatever in order to get what they want. Then, once they've gotten what they need, they're out.
It was around this time last year when I penned the article, "6 Signs A New 'Friend' Is Nothing But An Opportunist". I wrote it so that you could know how to guard your heart when it comes to meeting new people (on the heels of that, also check out "Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'"). Yet make no mistake about it, there's a pretty good chance that someone who you are already quite familiar with is only around to take advantage of what you have to offer as well.
One way to test this is to reflect on how much they take vs. how much they actually give. If the former far exceeds the latter, I'm pretty sure you know what that means, right? And what you need to do in response to that newfound revelation…right?
3. Hypocritical People
Boy, if this year ain't been nothin' else—and it already has been A LOT—it's definitely a series of crash courses in race relations; especially when it comes to learning how, for example, many evangelicals see things. Personally, because I went to a "Christian" school that provided disciplinary action for interracial dating, had a Canadian economics teacher who would call his Black students "nègre" (which I believe is the n-word in French), and where two of the most popular students in the school had parents who had picaninny figurines all throughout their house (figurines that the mother actually named after a lot of us)—I know all too well how whites can say they love the Lord, that they "love" Blacks and that aren't racist…even though they are very much so racist people.
Because their churches are segregated, along with their lifestyle, race relations, and social injustice (check out "Social Justice Is a Christian Tradition---Not a Liberal Agenda") are things that they don't think much about. Until events like what's going on currently in our society happen.
All of this shows up a lot whenever the topic of politics comes up. Just recently, a friend of mine was telling me about a friend of theirs (who is bi-ethnic, by the way) who was going on and on about how Trump is a "man of God" and we should support him because of that. I said to my friend, "Isn't it interesting how Obama was considered to be the antichrist by so many of the same people who think Trump is a Christian?" Trump. The man who, when he was asked what his favorite Bible verse was, he couldn't come up with a single one.
Trump. The man who teargassed protestors in order to take a picture in front of a church even though the church leaders didn't want him to. Trump, the man who, even though the Bible says, "Defend the poor and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and needy" (Psalm 72:4), is doing any and everything BUT that. (Let's start with "Trump administration still wants to cut food stamps" and "Trump Administration's Harmful Changes to Medicaid". Ugh.)
A hypocrite, by definition, is someone who says one thing and does something else. A part of the reason why so many people of color—Blacks, Hispanics, Native Americans—are currently in harm's way in this country is because a lot of folks apply one set of rules for one set of people and something totally different for others. A wise person once said, "I am cautious of people whose words and actions don't match their words."
While all of us tend to do hypocritical things from time to time, an all-out hypocrite is a walking contradiction, most of the time. They can't be trusted because of this. Guard your heart and mind in dealing with this type of individual. Not some of the time; all of it.
4. Emotionally Cryptic People
This will probably be my shortest and most potent point. What in the world do I mean by "emotionally cryptic"? Those are the people who you never really know where you stand. Why is that? Because they don't know either. They don't express their true feelings. They are hesitant to say anything that you can hold them accountable to and for. At the end of the day, it's like they totally get off on you playing a guessing game about how emotionally invested they are in you.
The really sad part about this is, that they are mysterious and ambiguous on purpose because they want you to remain in a state of perpetual confusion so that you'll be too puzzled and baffled to call them out and leave them alone. If someone immediately came to your mind, build up some walls, sis. They absolutely DO NOT have your best interest at heart. Pretty much ever.
5. Inconsistent People
I can't remember if I shared it on this platform or not, but a few years ago, when I decided to assess why I kept going through some of the same kind of drama in my friendships with women, I had to accept two things. One, that I had envy issues with some of them (due to how they looked or how guys perceived them to be). Two, a lot of them were emotionally unstable and highly inconsistent (a few eventually went to therapy to figure out why). Those two things are a HORRIFIC combination if you're trying to maintain any kind of healthy relationship. One day, we'd be all good. The next day, either I'd be low-key jealous or they would be in a mood that I didn't see coming. It would result in emotional roller coaster rides that were not only unfortunate but borderline toxic.
Once I put some real effort into getting my self-esteem together, it caused me to take ownership of where I was contributing to the drama and then set some healthier boundaries in my relationships. As a result, these days, when folks are hot and cold all of the time, I tend to put some space between us.
Inconsistent individuals will have you out here walking on eggshells, constantly censoring yourself, and feeling more like you are babysitting someone instead of hanging out with a true peer. Matter of fact, the older I get, the more attractive consistency is to me, even if someone consistently does something I don't necessarily like. At least I know what I'm dealing with at all times and prepare myself, which is something that I definitely can't say for folks who are totally unpredictable who are always catching—and throwing—others totally off guard.
6. Non-Committing People
In some ways, I saved the best for last. Do you know how much heartache would be spared if many of us emotionally distanced ourselves from people who are commitment phobes? I'm not just talking about when it comes to romantic relationships either. I've had friends who will make abstract plans, not commit to an actual time or place, and then shoot blanks—over and over again. I've had bosses who would claim that they would take my job performance seriously enough to promote me but wouldn't actually say when I could expect to see any chances—for years on end. Hmph. Don't even get me started on family members who have not kept their word and broken all sorts of promises, a billion times over.
The reason why the word "commit" is so important, in pretty much any type of relational situation, is because it speaks to building trust between two people. It's about doing what you said you would and the other individual being able to fully rely on you because of it. People who honor their commitments are not only mature individuals, they are people who show that they respect whomever they are making a commitment to, no matter how big or small the commitment may actually be. If you've got people in your life who you can't realize depend on or believe, while you might not be able to banish them from your world, definitely keep your emotional defenses up to some extent. Non-committers are chronic disappointers who can really hurt your feelings. The good news is they only can if you let them, though. For the sake of your emotional safety, please make sure that you do.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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