Affirmations have the power to change everything around you if you just believe. With your words, you can immediately tap into a new belief system that can shift your life like never before. Creative director J. Ivory is a self-proclaimed Affirmations Queen who is known for being a visual storyteller and manifesting the life God has for her. In doing so, she has learned there is so much power in words and even more so in spoken words.
“The words we speak can either hurt us or heal us. I believe that your words are the most powerful weapon that our humanity has. Believe it or not, you are the very result of the words you have spoken over your life. Positive words have the power to change your life," she told xoNecole.
When it comes to manifesting your destiny, J. Ivory proclaims that you should think of affirmations as the pathway in which you want your actions to go. “You manifest affirmations best by doing the work and some of it is really hard work. I often tell my clients, 'If you see it, you can have it.' Visualize and write out how you see your highest/best self and start showing up as that person every day. Get to know the person you want to become. Be specific. What do they eat? How do they dress?” she asked. J. Ivory went on to say, “What books are they reading? If the person you want to become is financially free and wealthy, and that’s what you are affirming, then you need to ask yourself, 'How does my current spending habits and mindset align with the wealthy and financially-free person I want to become? What are some changes I can make today that I can be consistent at that will get me closer to my desired outcome?'"
Above all, she wanted to make sure folks realize that affirming the life you deserve calls for you to be unafraid of the specifics. “Sometimes, I find that people think that affirmations are some type of magic trick.” One thing to take away from J. Ivory's knowledge about affirmations is the importance of your actions aligning with your words.
In 2023, we want to be intentional about how we speak in every way. Since being about the action is a part of the beauty of manifesting affirmations, we rounded up 23 women to share the biggest affirmation they are speaking over themselves this year. Here’s what they had to say.
Tasha McCaskiel, Social Media Strategist and Creator of Black Girls in Media
@tashjmackk
Courtesy of Tasha McCaskiel
"I affirm a new and long-lasting love because 2022 was such a self-love year for me, and it was great. I also thrived professionally. [This] year I affirm room for a lifelong romantic partner! God has plans to prosper me, not to harm."
Terrica M. Wright, Founder and Co-Owner of The High Esteem Society
@terricatalks
Courtesy of Terrica M. Wright
"I give myself permission to be all that God has called me to be. An affirmation that got me through 2022 was 'Know who you are and whose you are.'"
Kimberlee Ward, CEO and Founder of Eternal Balance Candles
@theekward
Courtesy of Kimberlee Ward
"I am enough and worthy of the life I desire. I am speaking this affirmation over 2023 because this is the year to not only sit in a place of healing but recognize I deserve to enjoy and revel in what is on the other side of that healing. I want my awareness of what I know to be possible to expand toward the life I desire. I do not intend to act small or be small in my wants.
"As a 31-year-old Black woman, I deserve to have the luxuries of life and for my business, Eternal Balance Candles to become a six-figure business. I am speaking this affirmation over my life in 2023 to let myself know that I am enough and I can be in a place where I am thriving and not just surviving. I want myself to know that the survival mode I have been in served a purpose, to thank my physical body and mind for the changes it made through the hardships, and for me to know now is the time to shine being authentically me."
Mercedes Matthews, Meditation Instructor
@mercedesm7
Courtesy of Mercedes Matthews
“'It’s not what it cost, it’s what it’s worth.' This is my affirmation for 2023 because it reminds me to get comfortable making investments in my life that bring ease. The affirmation that got me through 2022 is 'Here I am, so here I’ll be.' A gentle reminder to be completely present in every moment possible."
Rechelle Dennis, ESSENCE Girls United Lead
@YungChelly
Courtesy of Rechelle Dennis
"'Take more fucking risks and love being uncomfortable!' It is important not to fear the power that resides within you. Find allies and people who can help you harvest your talents. How can you grow to the best that you can be without optimistically facing the unknown? 'Believe in yourself' is the corniest phrase known to mankind but it really got me through 2022. If you don’t believe in yourself and who you are, you can’t expect anyone else to. Everything starts within."
Kimberly Ndubizu, Founder and Host, Rich Little Brokegirls
@sliimkim
Courtesy of Kimberly Ndubizu
"'There are no limits to what women can achieve because there are no bounds to what women can dream.' For years women have slept the wildest dreams— today we are rested, determined, and will stop at nothing to see them true. Never doubt your intuition, it knows exactly where you are meant to be."
Rocquelle Porch, Podcaster of Black Style Anecdotes and Content Creator
@considermelovely
Courtesy of Rocquelle Porch
"'I can do hard things!' There are some things I want to accomplish in 2023, financially, professionally, and creatively. Doing so won’t be easy…requiring some sacrifice and grit, so I will be reminding myself of this daily, as I strive to reach my goals. The grass is green wherever I am."
Chasity Hart, Theater Teacher, Singer and Actress
@Iamchasityhart
Courtesy of Chasity Hart
"'Weight doesn’t determine my worth. Even if I’m afraid, I will do it. If I can dream it, I can have it. No one is me, and that is my power. I will thrive outside of my comfort zone. I will face resistance with action and faith. I am not what I’ve been through. I am who God made me.'"
Rasheda Crockett, Actress
@RashedaCrockett
Courtesy of Rasheda Crockett
"'God loves me and in love there’s no fear.' 'All things are possible' was the affirmation that got me through 2022."
Cashmiyr, Mompreneur
@cashthecre8tve
Courtesy of Cashmiyr
"'My intuition is clear and powerful.' 2022 was an extremely transformative year for me. Through the difficulties I’ve faced I came to realize that when I challenged or ignored my inner voice, I struggled the most. Fortunately, with the help of these lessons, I’ve arrived at a place where I don’t dare question the power of my intuition or the validity of my experiences. I know and feel that implementing this affirmation into my life will be incredibly beneficial, and I’m looking forward to meeting the woman I’ll be this time next year because of it. I believe in my strength and in life’s generosity."
Roberta Tabb, Digital Designer and Author
@therobertashow
Courtesy of Roberta Tabb
"I am only getting better. If I want it, I will get it. Last year’s mantra was, 'I am wealthy, emotionally, mentally and financially.'”
Kenniqua Howell, Content Creator, Storyteller and Social Strategist
@kenniquamona
Courtesy of Kenniqua Howell
"'I am worthy of all the good life has to offer, and I will continue to climb higher because there are no limits to what I can achieve.' Why? I’m so quick to question why I receive good things and in 2023, I am stepping into my full potential. I am no longer allowing people, things, jobs, etc. decide what I am capable of. In 2023, I am ready to wow myself and show myself that I am my wildest dreams and can achieve so much more than I think. I am no longer doubting myself, getting everything I deserve, and accepting every single thing… because I am worthy of it all."
Jennifer Francis-Smikle, Digital Media Strategist and Video Production
@MySpicedLife
Courtesy of Jennifer Francis-Smikle
"'I choose joy.' I want to do things that make me happy, make me smart and also serve ME. Oftentimes, I noticed that we are doing things to make others happy or doing things that will cause the least amount of turmoil with others. I am on the path to changing that for 2023. I celebrate all wins, big and small."
Daphine Bush, Influencer
@Simplydaph
Courtesy of Daphine Bush
"'I have the nature of love. All that I encounter will flourish in love.' This is my mantra this upcoming year because [the] God I love can and will empower us to lead our lives with love. We can spread love, walk in love, and abide in love despite what we experience and this new year, I’m always determined to love others and myself with the love of God. Last year's affirmation was, 'Be intentional.' I was determined to be intentional in all things. I was focused on my family, on my health, and on my relationship with God."
Shanika Graham-White, Content Creator and Cookbook Author
@orchidsnsweettea_
Courtesy of Shanika Graham-White
"'My year of restoration is unfolding. Every seed that was planted shall harvest in every form of my life.' This is what I'll be speaking over 2023 because it reminds me that my sowing in faith, perseverance, and patience will all reap something plentiful beyond what I could ask or think. 2022’s mantra was, 'Just keep going. Persevere, be consistent, and remain focused.'"
Bethany Everett-Ratcliffe, Content Creator
@twentysomethingplus
Courtesy of Bethany Everett-Ratcliffe
"I am worthy of all that comes my way. I don’t want to doubt any of my blessings. What I’ve hoped and prayed for is rightfully mine. Show me how good it can get."
Abigail Ogun, Digital Marketer and Travel Creator
@ladiestakenotes
Courtesy of Abigail Ogun
"2023 is a year of intentional growth and execution. I say this because I've spent a lot of time learning more about the content creator industry and how to turn it into a profitable business, as well as testing different methods to see what works for me and my audience. In 2023, I'm excited to jump into the deep end, implement everything I've learned and grow into my goals. I will take life as it comes and see the lessons in everything."
Marie Zoumanigui, Actress and Content Creator
@PetiteMarieNyc
Courtesy of Marie Zoumanigui
"'My thoughts become my reality.' I did a lot of trusting my abilities in 2022, it’s time for me to believe those abilities will get me to where I want to be as long as I keep working on them and putting the work in. 'I trust in my abilities' helped me get through 2022."
Tanisha Cherry, Influencer and Content Creator
@tanisha.cherry
Courtesy of Tanisha Cherry
"'My ambition and drive for success are balanced, healthy and in alignment with my highest good.' I'm dedicating 2023 to being locked into accomplishing the goals that will get me to that next level professionally. But at the same time, I am going to do it by remaining true to who I am and trusting my intuition along the way. Around the middle of 2022, I found myself being sad about not showing up for myself the way I need to and not having a support system to lean into. During these times, I had to remind myself that although I am feeling this, I am going to be okay."
Devana Turner, Technical Recruiter and Content Creator
@devanaturner
Courtesy of Devana Turner
"Nothing is more important than my mental and physical health. I will say no and say no often. No matter what your intentions are, take accountability for the impact."
Anita Aloys, Digital Content Creator
@auneetuh
Courtesy of Anita Aloys
"'I can accomplish everything I set out to achieve because fear is not a trait of a bad bitch.' This affirmation is so important to me because my goals for 2023 are huge and a little scary but I am determined to face them fearlessly as I'd love 2023 to be my best year yet! In 2022, I affirmed, 'I am receiving everything I deserve and the universe is aligning for my good!'"
Melissa Chanel Carnegie, Entrepreneur and Content Creator
@melissachanel
Courtesy of Melissa Chanel
"'I’m only going to get better!' I saved an Issa Rae TikTok this summer and it has stuck with me! [This] a reminder of where I’ve been and if I continue being my best self, I’m only going to get better! 2022 taught me that asking for help is a sign of self-respect and self-awareness. Asking for help has always been hard for me! This year I was able to practice and understand that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. This affirmation helped me with that!"
Klarke Foreman, Model, Graphic Designer and Business Owner
@kweenklarke
Courtesy of Klarke Foreman
"'I can do hard things.' Adulting, pursuing a dream, nurturing relationships, and establishing healthier habits internally and externally are all challenging (and that's just to name a few). But what's even harder is staying the same. I am choosing my hard, especially if it's for the betterment of myself. The affirmation that got me through 2022 was 'I am conquering my fears and becoming stronger each day.'"
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Featured image courtesy of Marie Zoumanigui
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Are you ready to learn more about what I’m talking about? Let’s do this.
What Gaslighting and Inconsistency Absolutely Have in Common
GiphyWhile in an interview a couple of months back, the host asked me to share a word that I find myself using a lot and then define what it means (since so many people will take a word and just run with it; “narcissist” certainly comes to mind). The word that I gave was “gaslight” — I think not one day goes by when I don’t recognize that someone is gaslighting someone else. And yes, I know what it means. To gaslight is to attempt to mentally or emotionally manipulate another individual to the point where they start to question if their own thoughts, standards and reality are something that can be trusted (by them). SMDH.
And listen to me and hear me well when I say that if you are in a relationship — any kind of relationship — with someone who is inconsistent, whether they are fully conscious of what they are doing or not, on some level, they are 1000 percent gaslighting you. The reason why I say that is because, when you come to expect certain things based on a person’s words or actions one month only for them to turn around the following month (without any context) and either they aren’t doing anything at all or they are doing something completely different — and then when you bring that fact up to them, they are dismissive, flippant or they try to make you feel like you are being dramatic or that you are overthinking things…do you get how that is a supreme form of gaslighting?
There’s a reason why I think that, without any room for question or doubt, inconsistency is a toxic trait in any type of relational dynamic. It’s because you shouldn’t be in a close relationship with someone if you are (semi) constantly feeling unsure and/or like you have to apologize for having needs and wants to begin with and/or that you should just take whatever someone feels like dishing out at any given point and time.
And yes, whenever you allow someone to provide this type of inconsistency in your life, that is exactly what you are setting yourself up for: to be gaslit.
People who don’t keep their word? Inconsistent. People who seem to go “hot and cold” on you? Inconsistent. People who are unpredictable? Inconsistent. People who go above and beyond only when they sense that they are on thin ice with you? Inconsistent. People who are fine with praise and yet they are hella defensive whenever you bring all of this to their attention? Inconsistent.
Enough is enough, y’all. And so, if after all of what I just said, you know that you know that you know damn well that someone is super inconsistent while gaslighting you to seem like the villain for feeling that way, here are some reasons why you absolutely should require more consistency from that individuals — or accept that it’s time to either set some better boundaries or place that person into another category (check out "6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend" and “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”) in your life.
Consistency Establishes Trust
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GiphyHow can you be in a relationship (at least a healthy one) with someone who you can’t trust? And one thing that consistency does is help to establish trust between two individuals. Hmph, it makes sense too when you stop to think about the fact that consistency is defined by things like remaining the same, being firm and not contradicting oneself.
Yeah, this makes me think of someone in my life who I adore — yet I don’t even think to make plans with them anymore (I just stick to phone convos as far as they are concerned). If they aren’t breaking them at the last minute, they are late as hell and tolerating that level of disrespect (because not honoring someone’s time is disrespectful) started to make me very cynical whenever they came to mind. Why? Because I didn’t trust them to do what they said they were going to do — not when it comes to dates ‘n stuff anyway.
I mean, you don’t have to (just) take my word on this. Inc. published an article several years back entitled, “Want to Know If Someone Is Trustworthy? Look for These 15 Signs” and the very first trait that they listed was consistency. Know what #6 was? “They are respectful when it comes to time.” #welp
A trustworthy person? They are going to make sure that you can put your confidence in what they say and do — not randomly. Always. That said, if someone in your world causes you to low-key question them most of the time, because you can’t really trust them…yeah, that’s not a good thing.
Consistency Cultivates Stability
GiphyI think it’s interesting that some synonyms for consistent include things like dependable, even, unfailing, undeviating and steady. And what all of this equates to being is stable. A consistent relationship consists of two people who offer stability within it. You know that you can rely on them. You know that they aren’t going to, out of nowhere, emotionally or relationally switch up on you. You know that their character is solid. You know that their loyalty is sound. You know that who they are Monday is pretty much gonna be who they are Saturday.
Not to get too deep — because, today, you don’t have the time and I don’t have the writing space — but a lot of us ended up in some really subpar relationships and friendships because our parents had some serious instability in them or in their relationship with each other and so we grew up believing that instability was normal and we should just…adapt ourselves to it. Hmph. Heal and you’ll discover that you absolutely don’t have to send yourself through all-a-dat.
Sis, not only is it okay to require stability in your relationships, it’s also strongly encouraged that you do. Because it still rings truly that the people who are in our intimate space are able to influence us greatly. So, if your folks are erratic, inconstant and/or contrary — be careful: others may start to see you as being that way as well. Hmph, perhaps without you noticing until/unless they bring it to your attention.
Consistency Fosters Healthy Communication
GiphyIn my third book, there is a chapter entitled, “The Nice Guy Narcissist.” Although I actually went out of my way to protect his identity, it’s amazing how those close to me (who knew who I was talking about) all pretty much said the exact same thing: “You gave him way more grace than he deserved.” Grace is actually favor; what he got was mercy. LOL. I totally got their point, though — and I agree. And you know what? While I was walking through that journey with that individual, during my healing process, I had to accept that one of the things that we lacked was healthy communication — at least on a consistent basis.
Now the folks who really know me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”), what they will tell you is, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna do, it’s make sure you know where I stand. I don’t hint around. I’m not passive aggressive. I won’t ghost you. Between being a writer and a life coach for a living, I want to give and get as much clarity as possible. The nice guy narcissist? What he liked to do was act like he could handle certain conversations and then, when he couldn’t, he would avoid me for days on end, only to send some ridiculous email with drastic conclusions — and he did that because he was a coward who didn’t want to deal with things face-to-face and head on.
Looking back, I think a part of the reason why I dealt with his bullshishery for as long as I did is because, sometimes, lines can blur between someone being a friend vs. seeing them as a client (I’m just being real). Also, I grew up around narcissistic people — and as I oftentimes say, we tend to do what’s familiar instead of what’s right. Then there’s the fact that I am a writer which means that it took me a minute to fully accept that his emails weren’t about trying to convey anything clearly — it was about running away (whew, he was something else).
Everything has a silver lining, though (if you look for it) and one of the things that came out of dealing with him is driving home this point.
If you are in a healthy relationship, the communication will be healthy, mutually so, on a consistent basis. You both will feel heard. You both will feel valued. You both will feel respected. You both will feel connected. You both will feel like/that progress has been made — not sometimes, at the very least, most of the time.
If the communication, in the way that I described, is hit-or-miss — you aren’t in something that is good for you. Please don’t underestimate what I am conveying to you. I speak from very up close and personal experience on this one.
Consistency Exemplifies Your Willingness to Prioritize
GiphyThe amount of people who are credited with the saying, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option” is something else. Hell, even I was once in a Glamour article. If you do a bit of (extra) digging, the late and great Maya Angelou is apparently the originator — which is fitting because the resolve is definitely quite profound.
To be a priority means that you are deemed as important. To be a priority means that you come before certain other things. To be a priority means that the individual who is prioritizing you is proactive and intentional about making you feel valued and appreciated. To be a priority means that folks don’t just wait until they “have” time for you — those people will also make time (at least some of the time).
Another point about being a priority? When you get a chance, check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'" — and I will forever die on that hill because, if you truly are important to someone and they find worth in what you bring to their table of life, then sometimes, what you need will have to take precedence over other things…which could call for them to be inconvenienced at times.
Let me take this one deeper: The reason why many weddings consist of vows that have “til death do us part,” only for the people saying them to renege, multiple times, with different people, is because their love is very inconsistent. They don’t truly prioritize their spouse in the truest sense of the word nor do they even fathom being inconvenienced. All they really care about is what they can get out of someone else without factoring in the reciprocity that is necessary on their end.
And with that said — Maya Angelou is exactly right. If you are out here doing all of the things that come with making someone a priority and that same energy isn’t being exchanged…you are being used more than you are being valued. Please don’t take that lightly, okay?
Consistency Is a Sign of Relational Maturity
GiphySome people are consistent at being inconsistent — and they are probably the greatest gaslighters of all because all that does is put you on an emotional roller coaster (whether it’s the Vivian Green kind or India.Are one)…and who ever really wants that (being used to it and wanting it to happen are two very different things, by the way)?!
Live long enough and you start to really get that true maturity means that you are intentional about cultivating the kind of life that is filled with peace, balance and stability. And y’all, anything — and I do mean any person, place, thing or idea — that compromises that? You will do whatever — and I do mean whatever — is needed to prevent them from throwing a wrench into those plans. This means that drama? You’ll pass. Erratic behaviors? You’re good. Participating in things that your mind, body and spirit are not all on the same page about? Yeah, probably not. And the people who are in your intimate world, they will feel the same way as you do, which means that there is a healthy relationship all the way around.
Yeah, the cool thing about this final point is when people seriously desire holistic tranquility, they are going to say and do things, on a consistent basis, that will create that type of atmosphere. And y’all — when calmness and serenity are semi (I say “semi” because life do be lifing out here sometimes) present and constant? Who wants that to change? Toxicity hates peace — so it calls peacefulness “boring.” Mature people? They know better.
GiphyAuthor Roy T. Bennett once said, “Consistency is the true foundation of trust. Either keep your promises or do not make them.” Author Catherine Pulsifer once said, “The consistency in your person from home to work is vitally important so that you are in total balance at all times. Being out of balance means that your true self will start to be confused with what you pretend to be.” A football manager by the name of Marco Silva once said, “You cannot be a winner without maturity and consistency.” And if it takes consistency to win at life, how much more is it needed to have winning relationships?
Listen, I know that the word “toxic” is thrown around these days like confetti — yet I hope that I provided enough information for you to get that it really is toxic behavior to tolerate consistent…inconsistency.
You deserve so much better.
Now you know exactly why.
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Featured image by PeopleImages.com - Yuri A/Shutterstock