
This is one of those things that a lot of us experience but don't necessarily discuss out in the open. I think a part of the reason is because there is a natural assumption that if something is itchy down below, especially when it's connected to sexual activity, we naturally think that something is "wrong." As you're about to see, though, there are quite a few reasons why you could want to scratch the mess out of your vagina following a rendezvous with your partner. The good news is, through the process of elimination, you can probably get to the root of the issue and find relief in no time.
1. A Condom Allergy
I once read that 1 in 6 women are allergic to latex condoms, so if you're someone who doesn't like to use them because you feel uncomfortable (itching, swelling, tenderness) afterward, it's probably not "in your head." At the same time, that's not a good enough reason to go without using one. When you get a chance, check out "Allergic To Condoms? Try This.". In it, I've provided some rubber alternatives that are just as effective yet far less irritating.
2. You Weren’t Wet Enough During Sex
It might surprise you (or it might not) that your actual vagina (the inner tube that connects to our cervix which is basically the "neck" of our uterus) isn't super sensitive. Praise the Lord for that because babies come through there (for a lot of us)! However, what is sensitive is your vulva (the outer part of your vagina); I mean, your clitoris alone has double the number of nerve endings in it as a standard penis does (it's got 8,000 of 'em)! Still, if you don't have enough lubrication in that area, it can also lead to vaginal itching after sex because of all of the friction without enough "liquid support."
This means that, yes, your partner needs to keep their foreplay game strong. Also, you might need to bring some lubrication into the picture. Hey, ain't nothin' wrong with that. They don't say "the wetter, the better" for nothin', chile (check out "The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant").
3. Your Body Is Adjusting to New Sperm/Semen
Many years ago, I checked out a video from an older Catholic woman who studies what sex can do solely to a woman's body (you can check it out here). Of course, she's coming from a biblical perspective which means she's trying to encourage people to wait until marriage. Still, some of her straight science points are worth listening to. One of them has to do with the fact that when we have unprotected sex with two different men within (I think) 48 hours, it's not uncommon that we will catch a cold because our body will literally abandon our immune system in order to get one of those sperms out of our system because it sees it as being "foreign."
When I was in a really strange place sexually, many years ago, I had unprotected sex with three different exes within a week. While I didn't catch an STI/STD, my vagina was PISSED because, I now know, it didn't know what to do with two of those joker's semen and all of that "congestion" threw my pH balance off (more on that in a bit). So, if you've got a new partner and for some reason, after sex, things feel itchy down there, his semen could be why. Usually, things will get better over time, but you might get a yeast infection (more on that in a sec too) before it does. Just a heads up.
4. “Dirty Fingers”
I know there are plenty of television shows and movies where folks just walk into the front door and start getting it in and on; however, for the sake of your vagina, try and make sure that both of you wash your hands first. The reality is there are somewhere around 1,500 living bacteria per every square centimeter of your hands and a whopping 20 billion microbes in your mouth at any given time too. When your partner is touching and kissing you, those numbers double and although your vagina has good bacteria to fight the bad and your saliva is pretty damn strong, you don't want to weaken either by unnecessarily bringing germs 'n stuff into the picture. So yeah, the cleaner you and your partner's hands (and nails) are prior to sexual activity, the less you'll have to worry about scratching after he puts his hands into places that he's never seen (cue Usher).
5. Strong Chemicals in Your Lubrication
Some of y'all might remember the episode of Soul Food when Lem and Byrd tried a new massage oil that they ended up being allergic to that had them damn near about the scratch their skin off. Yeah, the amount of chemicals that are in some of these lube brands is totally off the charts! That's why, it's important that you go with something that typically has water as the first ingredient (because whatever the first thing that's mentioned on a label is, that's what a product has the most of). Also, you may want to, at least skim, "Lube Lessons 3: The Sex Lube Ingredient Glossary" because it offers up a full list of the kind of chemicals that are in different lubricants and how they could very well affect your body — so much to the point that you might want to end up making your own.
By the way, there is absolutely ain't nothin' wrong with doing that. Just make sure that you avoid putting any oil in your DIY because that can cause your condoms to lose their effectiveness. Anyway, The Dating Divas has a list of 10 different lube recipes that you can check out here.
6. A Yeast Infection
OK, off the rip, you might be thinking, "Isn't it a given that a yeast infection would cause itching and why would I have sex while I've got one?" While both of those are certainly good questions, there are three things to keep in mind. First, you may have a yeast infection with symptoms that are new (including the itching). Two, you might've known you had one but miscalculated how long you've been treating it and the sperm, condom, and friction further aggravated your infection while your body is still trying to heal. Or three, your partner could have one, and either you've been swapping it back and forth or he is totally unaware.
As far as the third point goes, if your partner has itchy penile skin, a thick white substance on the folds of his penis (especially if he is uncircumcised), or there are areas of his penis that are super shiny and/or white and/or irritated, he definitely should get it looked at because yeast infections typically don't go away on their own and until there is a cream and/or antibiotic administered, it's just gonna keep driving you and/or him insane. By the way, you can get an oral yeast infection (keep that in mind when it comes to oral sex). Also, you should wait until your prescribed medicine is fully completed before "engaging" again. If you really want the itching to stop, I mean.
7. Your pH Balance Is Off
When you get a chance, check out "Sis, This Is How To Keep Your Vagina's pH Balanced." One of the things that I mention in it is your vagina should be somewhere between 3.8 and 4.5. That said, sometimes all of the things that I've already mentioned that transpire during sex can throw your balance off and that can also cause your vagina to get all itchy and irritated. In case you're wondering, some semi-quick ways to bring balance back to your vagina include taking a probiotic, eating some unsweetened yogurt, using non-irritating condoms, consuming some garlic, and chilling out (yes, literally; stress can irritate your vagina over time too).
8. Your Vulvar Eczema Is Triggered
If you didn't know, vulvar eczema is a real thing. It's what happens when the outer area of your vulva and/or your buttocks are affected by eczema which can lead to the same scaly skin and dry patches that eczema elsewhere tends to create. As far as what initially triggers vulvar eczema, most health professionals connect it to things like an allergen or irritant which could again be condoms, your partner's sperm/semen, lubes, fragrant soaps or perfumes, or even a super harsh detergent that you wash your panties, bras, and lingerie in.
While it's best to get an official diagnosis from a medical professional, it's a good idea to keep in mind that emotional stress and a family history of eczema can also lead to eczema-related symptoms. Oh, and as far as treatment goes, applying a corticosteroid cream for a couple of weeks a couple of times a day can typically bring some much-needed relief (still, go see a doctor to make sure that eczema is actually what's going on).
9. You Waited Too Long to Rinse Off/Wash Up
Ain't nothin' better than spooning after sex (I remember it well). Still, if you decide to lie in that "wet spot of love" all night long, it could lead to infections (including UTIs, believe it or not). That's why it's a good idea to try and urinate after sex. Oh, and while you don't necessarily have to get into the shower (check out "So, This Is How To Make Shower Sex So Much Better"), run a wet washcloth over your vulva before getting back in bed. It will remove some of the bacteria so that you won't have to worry (so much) about your vaginal area feeling irritated later on.
10. An Undiagnosed STD
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, there are currently 1 in 5 people in the United States who currently have some type of STD. If that isn't enough of a reason to get regularly tested (if you are sexually active), I don't know what is. That said, there are several of those bad boys that can lead to vaginal itching including trichomoniasis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, genital herpes, and genital warts.
So, if it's just recently that you've been itching during sex and it's been over a year since you've been tested, there's no time like the present to book an appointment (or to take a test at home if that would make you feel more comfortable). STDs are nothing to play with, so you definitely shouldn't "Google your way" into a remedy. Not just so the itch can stop but so you don't end up with more serious complications up the pike. Feel me? Good.
To learn more about all things vaginal health and wellness, check out the xoNecole Women's Health section here.
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This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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A musician by the name of Trent Reznor once said something that I absolutely couldn’t agree with more: “Balance is good, because one extreme or the other leads to misery, and I've spent a lot of my life at one of those extremes.” Boy oh boy will that preach because, if there is one thing that society — especially “social media society” — likes to do, it’s live in extremes.
Think about it. If you don’t want to have kids, here come folks telling you that you must have some suppressed childhood trauma. If you’re not interested in marriage, it’s gotta be because you hate men. If you don’t go to church, without question, you are low-key agnostic or an atheist. EXTREMES.
And honestly, the holiday season isn’t exempt from this. I know from personal experience because, as someone who hasn’t observed any for many years now (without one regret), you’d be amazed by all of the theories that I’ve heard as to why that is the case. SMDH.
Chile, you don’t have the time and I don’t have the space to get into all of that nonsense. For now, I just want to provide a silver lining from my having to endure other people’s yapping by letting those of you who may not be super enthusiastic about the holidays this year (or any year) either that there is nothing wrong with that — or with you.
I’ll break down why and how I’ve come to that conclusion.
Not Being “on-10” Doesn’t Make You a Grinch
GiphyHonestly, I have some pretty solid memories about Christmastime. Because my mother grew up with an alcoholic father (and supreme spiritual hypocrite), she was very emotionally tied to the holiday because it was the only time that she recalled having real peace in her home. And so, we did the Christmas thing, pretty much to the hilt — fresh Christmas trees, baking Christmas-themed desserts, watching holiday movies, going caroling, stringing popcorn…you name it.
It wasn’t until I became an adult and I started doing research on the origin stories of holidays (check out “The History of Christmas” if you don’t already know about it), in general, that I became more and more detached. Plus, as a seventh-day Sabbath observer (Exodus 20:8-11, Hebrews 4, Matthew 28:1) — every Friday sunset through Saturday sunset was like a holiday in certain ways to me, so I never really “lived” for traditional calendar ones.
That doesn’t mean that I am all "Bah humbug" to folks who are totally into the holiday, though. For instance, my godchildren’s father acts like Christmas is a drug for him and so anything Christmas-like that he can think of is his fix. And although the girls (6 and 14) know that I don’t observe, I am good for getting them a “cold weather present” usually around the time the temps drop (in October) instead of an actual Christmas gift. And although I usually pass on hanging out with folks on Christmas Day, I’ll help bake a cookie or two in the days leading up to it.
So yeah, the first thing that folks who are pretty “meh” about Christmas need to be reminded of is that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make you a Grinch. If you recall the Grinch’s story, he did have some trauma and so he took it out on Christmas. Meanwhile, most of us who can take or leave the holidays, we aren’t “mad”…we’re just…for the most part…disinterested. The rest of y’all “do you,” though. And we mean that sincerely.
Not Being Thrilled Doesn’t Mean That You’re Depressed Either
GiphyI’ve shared before that there is someone in my world who gets so excited about Christmas that I almost want to see if there is a disorder linked to it. LOL. I mean from the start of October on, you are going to hear about her Christmas plans, plus, you are going to start seeing holiday décor up in her house — and she’s always been that way.
Because she knows that “I’m good” on Christmas, there have been times when she’s asked me if it’s because my parents divorced when I was young or if it’s because my family lives overseas or if it’s because I am not married and never had children. Shellie, you’re way too excited for your birthday for you to just…not care about Christmas. I think you might be suppressing something.
Good lord, girl. LOL. I’m excited for birthdays because another year of life in my right mind is a blessing. Christmas, personally, doesn’t make a ton of sense to me (especially to be spending a lot of cents) and so, I’ll pass. It’s really not any deeper than that. Besides, it’s not like I’m sitting in the dark somewhere on Christmas Day rocking back and forth in a corner. If anything, I really appreciate how quiet the world seems to be (both online and off) while everyone else is doing their thing. THANK YOU.
So yeah, if Christmas — or the holiday season, period — doesn’t have you jumping up and down, don’t let other people’s enthusiasm gaslight you into thinking that you should see a therapist. That said, for the record, if someone has mentioned depression to you, here are some signs that mental health professionals say are associated with holiday-related depression:
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Trouble sleeping
- Anxiety
- Tension
- Internalized frustration
- Feeling lonely and isolated
- Not doing any of the things that you typically enjoy
Do you see not wanting to go to a holiday party, opting out of Christmas shopping with a bunch of friends or preferring to not have any Christmas decorations up in your house on the list? Yeah, me neither. Moral to the story: Please don’t let people get you down by trying to manipulate you into thinking that if you aren’t like them, something must be wrong with you. During the holiday seasons or otherwise, chile.
Use This Time (Unapologetically) for Yourself
GiphyRemember how I just said that one of the things I damn near adore about Christmas is, since everyone is focused on their own families, I can get some real quality time to myself? Although a lot of things are closed on Christmas Day, you can still order a favorite meal the day before, turn off your phone and sleep in on Christmas Day and, if you want to get out and about — I don’t know about y’all but one of my favorite things is to go to the movies alone and movie theaters are always open on Christmas.
You know, I’ve shared before that I once interviewed a Jewish woman who was married to a Christian man. Together, they observe Chrismukkah and there is something that she said about it that has always stayed with me (paraphrased): “I don’t believe in Christmas but anything that can bring peace, joy and goodwill to humanity, even for a day, that is something that I can get behind.” I agree. And sometimes, what we need to remind ourselves is we need to set aside time to bring peace, joy and goodwill to ourselves. Use the holiday season to do that, if nothing else. You won’t regret it.
Do Private Things More than Public Ones
GiphyEven beyond Christmas, specifically, what if the entire holiday season is something that you’re pretty ho-hum about because things like mall traffic, stressed out relatives and the busyness of it all aren’t your favorite things? My two cents would be to not put your head under the covers and just wait for January 2 to arrive. Instead, opt out of big celebrations and do “calmer and quieter” things with some of your favorite people.
Since pretty much from a couple of days before Christmas until kids go back to school, folks are not on their “usual schedule,” go to brunch with your favorite aunt (or uncle), host a sleepover with a couple of girlfriends and/or Zoom one of your buddies to create vision boards for the new year.
Listen, just because you may not be in the traditional holiday spirit, that doesn’t mean that you can’t take advantage of the time that it offers for you to do some quality things with people you care about. Just you and them. No one else.
Create Your Own Traditions
GiphyNot into the 12 Days of Christmas? Pamper yourself for the week leading into the New Year. Don’t want a Christmas tree? Have some roses or poinsettias sent to your house. Couldn’t care less about a ball dropping on New Year’s Eve? Rent out a huge Airbnb New Year’s Eve and enjoy a change of scenery.
Y’all, just because the holiday season comes with its own traditions, there is no written rule which says that you have to follow them — or that you can’t come up with some of your own. Hell, if you put enough thought into this tip, you might look up and realize that you absolutely adore this time of year — just for a totally different set of reasons than most. Beautiful.
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