Energy Vampire Sucking You Dry? Here's How To Spot & Confront Draining Relationships
Have you ever spent an extended amount of time around someone, and after returning to your own space, you realize, “Wow, I’m drained”? Or maybe there’s a friend that can’t help but rehash the same situation, sucking the life out of your time together. From our family to co-workers and even friends, we can find ourselves in dynamics with people who seem to zap the emotional or mental energy out of those around us. And if you can relate, you may have come across an "energy vampire."
What Is an “Energy Vampire"?
Individuals who exhibit behaviors such as constant complaining, negativity, or an insatiable need for attention, are typically associated with the term energy vampires.
“An energy vampire is a person who tends to leave the people they come across and interact with feeling emotionally drained after said interaction, often due to a consistently expressed, perhaps overly pessimistic perspective,” Dr. Byron Young, a Child, Adolescent & Adult Psychiatrist and Selfmade Mental Health Expert tells xoNecole.
“These people not only have a very ‘woe-is-me’ attitude but often share it and ask those around them to engage with that pessimistic or heavy attitude,” he adds.
When identifying the traits of an energy vampire, you may find yourself feeling the effects of their presence before actually identifying them as such. “They sometimes look to others to hold their emotional baggage or to offer a kinder perspective than the one they have, placing their emotional healing work on the shoulders of others,” Dr. Young says.
What Causes Energy Vampire Behavior?
It may be easy to label a person exhibiting energy-draining behavior as “intentionally self-centered” or self-victimizing, but recognizing the complexity of their backgrounds from a place of empathy could be an effective approach.
“These individuals often want folks to join them in their difficult perspective or are reaching for others to give empathy and sympathy as a way to feel cared for,” Dr. Young shares. “These folks can often struggle with self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.”
While Dr. Young doesn’t fully agree with the terminology around the term “vampire” due to it being “somewhat dehumanizing language,” he emphasizes that a more nuanced understanding of those displaying these characteristics may be more appropriate.
“There is an underlying emotional health or boundary-setting issue in the folks being drained by said vampire, as things like anxiety or deep introversion are common reasons people might feel drained by another person, energy vampire or not,” he says. “I think those who struggle with setting boundaries with others due to a myriad of reasons may be more susceptible to creating energy vampire situations where they may not have to.”
He also notes that individuals exhibiting energy vampire tendencies may have underlying personality pathology.
“At the most extreme levels, many of these individuals may suffer from personality pathology. Particularly disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” he says.
How To Spot the Signs of an Energy Vampire
It’s safe to say that being in the presence of an energy vampire can be draining, which can result in emotional and mental exhaustion from prolonged interactions. While these individuals may not necessarily be aware of their impact on others, noticing the behavior can be a productive first step in confronting it.
“I think the first step is reflecting and scanning how you feel after spending time with a person like that,” he says, “Asking yourself, 'Is this pattern a way I often feel after interacting with people in general?’ can highlight if there is perhaps some self-work to be done.”
How To Protect Your Energy From Energy Vampires
If consistent patterns of emotional heaviness or a sense of being emotionally drained emerge after interacting with a specific individual, it may be time to set boundaries, practice self-care, and foster open communication to deal with energy vampires in personal and professional dynamics. Dr. Young recommends the following:
1. Prioritize Your Emotional Well-Being:
“Making sure that you are taking care of yourself emotionally and working on your own self-esteem or anxiety struggles is key. The airplane analogy of ‘putting your mask on before others’ is so often a helpful framework to live by.”
2. Set Healthy Boundaries:
“Unfortunately, our society often rewards those who impede on boundaries. There is such a fear or setting that are reinforced for a myriad of reasons, including the patriarchy, and that truly has to change. Setting boundaries has to be a way we value our own humanity, dignity, and self-respect.”
3. Create Healthy Distance:
“If our boundaries and expression of our needs in any relationship are not met, we must have the courage to create healthy distance from those relationships that don’t serve us or are deleterious to our own sense of wellness, no matter who the person is.”
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Feature image by Peter Griffith/ Getty Images
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Aley Arion is a writer and digital storyteller from the South, currently living in sunny Los Angeles. Her site, yagirlaley.com, serves as a digital diary to document personal essays, cultural commentary, and her insights into the Black Millennial experience. Follow her at @yagirlaley on all platforms!
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
'Love Island USA' Star JaNa Craig On The Reality Of Black Women On Dating Shows
Love Island USA just wrapped up its sixth season, and it has been the talk of the town. According to Nielsen, it's the No. 1 show on streaming, proving it's just as entertaining as the UK version. One of the reasons this season has been successful is due to the authentic relationships formed between the islanders in the villa.
You have the sisterhood between Serena Page, JaNa Craig, and Leah Kateb, aka PPG, and the real relationship moments between couples like Serena Page and Kordell Beckham, who were named the winners of this season. The other finalists include Leah Kateb and Miguel Harichi, Nicole Jacky and Kendall Washington, and JaNa Craig and Kenny Rodriguez.
While JaNa made it to the finale with her boo Kenny, her journey in the villa was far from perfect. Viewers saw the Las Vegas native get her heart stomped on a few times after many of her connections didn't work out.
At one point, it even looked like she was getting kicked off the island. While she had a lot of support from people watching the show, it was clear that she was in a position that many Black women on reality dating shows find themselves in: not being desired.
It has been an ongoing conversation among Black women watching reality dating shows as we see time and time again that non-Black women or racially ambiguous-looking women are often chosen over Black women, especially dark-skinned women. In a discussion with Shadow and Act, JaNa opened up about the support she received from viewers.
@cineaxries i love them 🤧 #janacraig #janaandkenny #loveislandusa #foryou #peacock #loveisland #janaloveisland #xybca #kennyloveisland #janaedit #loveislandedit #janaedits #loveislandusaedit #viral #loveislandusaseason6 #foryoupage #peacocktv
"You know what’s so crazy? I’m so grateful, because when I got my phone, the way they’re making us The Princess and The Frog…I felt honored. I will be that beautiful chocolate queen if I need to be. And the comments like 'beautiful chocolate girl,' I’m like, all Black women are beautiful. There’s the whole light skin versus dark skin, which breaks my heart. I just really don’t understand that, but I will take pride and represent us well," she said.
She also candidly discussed her experience as a dark-skinned Black woman on the show. JaNa and Serena had been in the villa since the first episode, and they were the only dark-skinned Black women there. As new men aka bombshells came into the villa, they found themselves not being wanted by many of them.
"Me and Serena literally had a heart-to-heart before Kenny came in and she’s like, I just don’t think it’s fair that the Black girls don’t get enough fair chance.' Every islander that came in, we were not their top pick. And we just [thought], maybe because we’re Black girls, and the dark-skinned Black girls. It sucked," she said.
"I’m like, 'Serena, we know what we bring to the table. We’re great personalities. A guy’s going to come in for us.' That’s when we manifested what we wanted, and that’s when I manifested Kenny."
@ashleyvera__ We love to see it 🥰 #loveislandusa #loveisland #loveisland2024 #janaandkenny #loveislandseason6 #peacock #realitytv #fypage
After many failed connections, Kenny came in and immediately turned JaNa's experience around. America watched the model get the care and attention that she deserved.
"I’m not going to hold you. When I was in the bottom for a quick second, I’m like, ‘There’s no way America doesn’t [ride for us]. I know Black America had to ride for me, but maybe because I’m a dark-skinned … hmm … maybe … you feel me? And you saw the Casa Amor lineup. Beautiful, beautiful light-skinned [women]," she said.
"We looked at each other like, 'Damn, Love Island did their big one with this. And every single Casa Amor girl was like, 'You girls are gorgeous, you guys are stunning.' They expressed love. You guys are beautiful and it felt good."
Although she and Kenny came in third place, JaNa is happy that she got her man in the end. "I think the thing I’m most grateful about is the fact that this is a beautiful love story like you guys complement each other and there’s no hate toward the skin color. It’s all love and support. I love that more than anything," she said.
"That’s why I was like, 'I won,' even though I didn’t win. And the fact that Serena won, we were like, 'Yeah, run that.' Either way, we won. And I love the support from all communities."