
Recently, while talking to one of my married friends, she told me that the topic of oral sex came up in their household. All of her and her husband's children, minus one, are young teenagers at this point. And so, when one of them came into the kitchen and said, "Do you and daddy have oral sex?" and my friend replied with, "Absolutely", I rolled at her candor and how her child was like, "Eww!". The way I see it, good for them that they are so open about sex. After all, it's how their children got here.
Yet, as I thought more about fellatio and cunnilingus, I also reflected on the various responses and reactions I've witnessed, every time one or both acts are mentioned. I'd have to say that probably around 7 times out of 10, oral sex is spoken of, by both men and women, very fondly. Oh, but there is that 30 percent who, whether it's giving head and/or receiving it, words cannot express how much they find the act to be close to grotesque and definitely unappealing. "Problem" is oftentimes, when someone like this is in a relationship, that sentiment isn't even close to being mutual. And sometimes, that can rock the boat of the relationship, more than a little bit.
That's what we're gonna tackle today. If you're someone who thoroughly enjoys everything about sex other than giving oral and/or receiving it while you're partner is all for it, all day and every day (on both the giving and receiving end), here are some things to think about—that you might've never considered, quite this way, before.
Is It All in Your, Umm, Head?
I've actually shared before that one of my favorite stories about a mom having "the sex talk" with her child for the first time came from a female comedian who was sharing her experience during a Ted Talk. Her daughter, who was somewhere between 8-10 at the time (I can't exactly remember), intently listened to her mother put her own spin on the birds and the bees. When her mom finished, the daughter then said, with a semi-horrified look on her face, "So you have sex where you pee?!", only for her mom to revisit how real that revelation was and respond by saying, "Yeah. It's kind of like taking a trip to your favorite amusement park and going to a toxic waste dump at the same time."
Even though that might initially evoke some double yucks, just at the mere thought of it all, the reality is, when any of us who have sex, that's basically what's transpiring. For whatever reason, God himself designed us to relieve ourselves with the same parts of our body where sexual pleasure comes from. So, if that is a part of the reason why the thought of engaging in oral sex freaks you out, I get it. At the same time, God also created the people who invented things like showers, baths, washcloths and soap. So, if the reason why you struggle with the thought of participating in oral sex is because "he pees down there", I promise you that if you make the request that he hop in the shower first, you will feel more calm and confident. Or at least, you should.
Have You Ever Even Tried Oral Before?
I'm going to be very TMI here for a moment. As someone who has participated in more than her fair share of fellatio, other than bracing myself for "the final act" (I'm sure you get it), to me, it really isn't that big of a deal. In many ways, it's like sucking on a really big…I guess "thumb" would be the best way to explain it. Yes, you have to factor in things like breathing, shifting speeds and endurance (based on how long your man's stamina is), but to tell you the truth, I'm actually far more impressed with men who go down on us—not because our vaginas aren't one of the best things on this entire planet but because, if he's doing things right, there is a lot of fluid going on down there, right off the rip.
That's why, whenever a woman tells me that she hates fellatio, my first question is, "Have you ever even tried it before?" because oftentimes, they haven't. And if you've come to the conclusion that you semi-loathe something that you've never even experienced before, well, you're either basing your decision on ignorance or the stories of others—and when it comes to something like sex, that twisted logic simply isn't good enough. As Mikey used to say in the throwback Life commercial, "Try it. You just might like it."
Let’s Break Down the Penis a Bit, Shall We?
Remember how I just said that giving head really isn't that big of a deal? If you're looking at the monitor with complete and total side-eye, I've got another question for you—how much time have you even spent with a penis? Laugh if you want but I'm dead serious. Other than perhaps catching a peek (and maybe not even wanting to do that) when your partner is naked, do you really not give penises much thought beyond it being what penetrates you during intercourse? If so, that could also be a part of the issue/problem. Sometimes it's because our parents totally sucked at giving us the sex talk, sometimes it's because we barely paid attention in high school-level anatomy class, other times it's because the Church acts like sex is something that shouldn't be discussed until marriage (and, let me tell it, barely even then)—for so many reasons, there can be such an ignorance around male genitalia that it profoundly affects us on a sexual level.
That's actually why I wrote articles on the site like, "15 Pretty Tripped Out Things You May Not Know About Penises", "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm", "10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm", "Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage" and "8 Men & 8 Women Told Me What They Wish Their Partner Would STOP Doing In Bed". I'm a firm believer that the more you learn about something, the less fearful you tend to be about it. Study the penis. It's not as "terrifying" as some of you might think that it is.
Did You Have a Bad (or Selfish) Oral Sex Experience?
Also, remember how I said in the intro that I wasn't only going to tackle this from the angle of women who hate to give fellatio but also women who aren't big fans of receiving cunnilingus too? I know quite a few women who roll like that (interestingly enough, a lot of them are Leos and Capricorns; if you fall into that sign, please hop in the comments). When I've asked them why they would rather pass on receiving head, some have said that it simply doesn't get them off. However, more have said that the times when they have conceded and given it a shot, it felt more sopping wet and uncomfortable than anything else. And so, after giving a couple of different partners a try and the experience totally sucking (and absolutely not in a good way), they've decided to pass on all future opportunities. Then there's another scenario. Some women I know don't get down with giving or receiving oral sex because they've found their partners to be selfish as hell. Either all he cares about is getting some head or, if he is going down, it's more like he's barely tolerating it so that he can get some fellatio as soon as he's done.
If you fall into any of these dynamics, while thankfully, I can't really relate, what I will say is, you are sooooooooooo—breathe—oooooooo missing out if you've decided to let the past hinder your future. Aside from the fact that 75 percent of women barely have orgasms from vaginal penetration alone, there is something that is so damn hot about engaging in the kind of sex that has no hindrances.
If you've had a bad sexual experience (including if your partner was selfish), the best thing to do is share that with your current partner so that the two of you can work through it. If after a few tries, you're still like "nah", don't feel bad. Oral sex—on the giving or receiving end—isn't necessarily for everybody (I once had sex with a guy who really liked giving oral sex but hated receiving it…go figure). Just make sure that you've come to that conclusion solely based on preference and not some really unpleasant past situations.
What About Performance Anxiety?
Any of you who are die-hard Insecure fans, you might recall the episode when Issa and her girls went to a sex expo and discussed their thoughts on oral sex; especially giving head. Issa shared that she wasn't that big of a fan because she felt like her teeth were too big and she wasn't all that great at it. Then, when Tiffany told her about how empowering giving fellatio was, Issa tried it on Daniel, only for him to ejaculate on her face and totally piss her off.
First, doing anything sexually with the objective of "overtaking someone" is probably not the best idea. On the sexual tip, do things because 1) you enjoy it and 2) you want to please your partner; not manipulate them. And second, while I would be lying to you if I said that all oral sex is the same (some folks really are better at it than others), what I will say is if you're with a partner who is truly worthy of you, it's not a "performance pageant" or competition of some sort. In other words, he's not looking at the top of your head and imagining a scorecard. He's simply enjoying being with you. If you're willing to check your fears and your ego (not one or the other—both) at the door, he will be willing to share with you what works for him. Also, if he's a really great lover, he will want you to do the same when it comes to pleasuring you too.
Is Giving Fellatio a Deal-Breaker for You?
Now if after all of what I just said, you're still like, "Yeah girl, I'll pass", then this is what I've got to say on that—be upfront with your partner. The reason why is because, while oral sex may not be that big of a deal to you, it might be for him. By the way, that doesn't make him a bad person. Not in the least. Matter of fact, I've said in more than a few interviews, that if I fall in love with a man and he is not completely enthralled with oral sex, he's someone I am going to have to take a pass on, on the marriage tip. I take the marriage covenant seriously, so I'm not signing up to spend the rest of my life with someone who isn't all-the-way-dirty-down on both the giving and receiving end of head. Are y'all kidding me?
Men have the right to feel the same way. So, if you are someone who doesn't like to give fellatio and/or receive cunnilingus, once the two of you enter the sexual part of your relationship, it is definitely something that you need to put on the table. If what you're thinking is, "Why? It shouldn't be that big of a deal" then the checkmate I have for you is, if it isn't a big deal, why are you hiding it?
I am all about the right couples being a great complement for one another. So, look at it this way—if he really is your "the one", then he will Kanye shrug at your reservations and all will be fine. But if he's honest that it's something that he can't go without (whether it's giving or receiving), don't penalize him for that. Sexual satisfaction is a very real and justifiable priority in a relationship. It's always best to wait for the one who will fulfill you, as you fulfill him, fully, in this area.
Always Remember That Great Sex Comes with Some Compromise
Compromise. It's what makes relationships go 'round. That said, if you're someone who basically hurls at the mere thought of giving or receiving oral sex, it would be totally irresponsible of me if I didn't advise that you absolutely not push yourself past your comfort zone. Sex, of any kind, should never feel violating. Yet if fellatio or cunnilingus are simply no more or less than not your favorite things to do—like maybe you've got a sexual position that you prefer over another—consider "being down" more often, simply because your partner wants to be pleased and please. Also, keep in mind that oral sex tends to have levels. What I mean by that is things like how long you do it and up to what point you do it can both take some of the "edge" off.
Bottom line, sometimes focusing more on simply being close to your partner can take some of the "eww" out of acts like oral sex. You won't know unless you try. So…why not try it?
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Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Someone's Trying To Hook You Up? Ask These 6 Questions First
As we all know, it’s cuffing season. We’re also on the cusp of the holiday season, and that happens to be the time of year when a lot of people get engaged. And that’s why the fall and winter seasons are the times of the year when folks wanna play matchmaker.
And so, sis, if at least one person in your life is currently trying to set you up with someone they know right now — charge it to it being “tis the season” more than anything else. Because let’s be real — folks tend to be more lovey-dovey than ever right about now, and that is usually what inspires them to try to get as many people boo/bae’d up as possible. Chile…CHILE.
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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