On Thanksgiving Day in 2006, my son died. He was exactly 5 weeks and 6 days old.
For so long, I have lived with the feelings of shame and guilt that accompanies the death of a child. He died of SIDS, but I should have been there. I should have done something, even if there was nothing that I could have done.
On a day where I should be thankful for family, I mourned the incompleteness of mine.
Back then, I wasn't filled with gratitude, I was filled with sorrow. Even with the two daughters I would be blessed with afterwards, on those days, it was hardest to find a reason to celebrate the day that symbolized the worst day of my life.
The idea of moving forward with my life made me feel that I was somehow moving forward without my son. The guilt that attached itself to my heart is something that is hard to put into words. Although I know where he has been this whole time (in a grave in Richmond, Virginia) while I'm in Arizona, from a spiritual and emotional level, I still feel as raw as I did the day he died. The first Thanksgiving I didn't have turkey. There was nothing but 24 hours straight of crying. The idea that I was a childless mother and the emptiness that accompanied it weighed so heavy on me. All of these things I still feel, 13 years later, as if they happened yesterday.
For years, I'd treat Thanksgiving as a day off but wouldn't do anything. I'd volunteer to work. And if that wasn't an option, I'd just stay home. I wouldn't accept invitations to go to gatherings – I wouldn't leave the house at all. There were years I was basically forced to go somewhere and I'd oblige, begrudgingly, but would make a point not to enjoy myself in any way.
I felt, to celebrate in any way would be a betrayal of his memory.
How could I be happy when my only son wasn't here with me anymore? And, on the day that he left? The shame I felt was quick to anchor me to a place of darkness where light couldn't reach me. The depression would settle in like a storm and I'd inevitably break down.
Every year, friends and family would remember my pain before sitting down to eat their dinners. Some would commemorate him by would commenting on my annual tribute to him online while others would make their own. Everyone remembered the cocoa skinned baby with almond eyes and a wide smile even as young as he was. And we all wished we could have watched him grow up, an answered prayer, a dream come true…instead of a dream shattered.
It has taken me years to get to this point - where I could really feel the gratitude for this season and for this day.
Now, I can actually say I'm looking forward to spending time with my friends and family on this day. Maybe because it'll be the first Thanksgiving since this happened where my mother, who has stage 4 cancer, will be present. Maybe because this is coming up on the first year since my marriage to his father, which became exponentially worse when our son died, ended. Maybe because this is my 35th year around the sun and God has just given me the strength and wisdom to look beyond my pain and see my blessings.
The path to gratitude started with…I'm here.
Everyday is another opportunity for me to live for my son and my daughters. I believe that the pain of losing him is the fuel for the fire that I needed to be the woman I was meant to be. For them. For myself. For this world.
It is undeniable that I will feel this for the rest of my life – a hole in my heart where he resides. It is also undeniable that every year I sit down to pray and eat, I will have him on my heart and mind, wishing he was there to pass me the macaroni and cheese, or give me a hug and tell me he loves me. But I am filled with gratitude today for the time I had with him.
I am filled with gratitude for the girls I was blessed with. I am grateful for this life, in all its pain and glories, and I am here to tell my story for others who cannot.
Gratitude is not instant or easy but once it's there, that is where it will be.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com.
Originally published November 22, 2018
is a mother, writer, yogi, Scorpio and has good hair but is NOT Becky by any means. By day, she pushes paper, but by night, she unleashes her superpower: using her words.
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
I Stepped Out Of My Comfort Zone & Hosted A Journaling Meet-Up. Here's How It Went
Last year, I began my journey with journaling, and it has quickly become one of my favorite self-care practices. It started with reading Calling In The One, a book about manifesting love in your life.
At the end of each chapter were exercises, and the majority of those exercises required you to journal. I took it seriously because your girl wants a loving, healthy relationship in 2025. But while I finished the book, I still held on to the practice of journaling.
Journaling has not only allowed me to get my feelings out on paper, but it has also made me think deeper about situations and see other perspectives. For example, I may write about how I feel someone hurt me, and as I'm writing, I may realize some of my faults in the situation, thus forgiving that person or giving that person grace.
There have been other times when I'm writing, and suddenly, I get overwhelmed with emotion. I'm talking, tears streaming down my face, and having to pause to get myself together. Those moments are especially important to me because I began asking myself questions like, "Why did I get so emotional?" Which further allows me to keep journaling until I get to the root. But sometimes, it's just a purging of old feelings that I kept inside and was finally letting out.
Why I Decided To Have A Journaling Meet-Up
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Because journaling has been such a transformative practice for me, I wanted to share it with others and build community on similar ideas. That is one of the reasons why I created my brand, The Self-Care Writer. Not only did I want to provide self-care products like my Journaling & Self-Care Essentials Kit, but I also wanted to have events that were rooted in self-care and wellness.
So this year, I decided to have my first event. The new year often brings optimism as people are looking to make positive changes in their lives, and that's why I decided to have my event the weekend following New Year's Day. Thus, my event Release & Renew Journaling Meet-Up was created.
The Process
It was my first event, and while I wanted it to be nice, I also wanted something low-maintenance and free for the girlies. That's why I decided to make it a meet-up. It takes the pressure off of attendees and myself. I had it at a local Atlanta cafe so we wouldn't be forced to meet a food and beverage minimum.
Also, I was unsure of how many people were actually going to show up. I shared the meet-up with friends, posted on social media, and created an Eventbrite page. While I had a lot of tickets purchased through Evenbrite, you know how it is when something's free.
I capped the tickets at 25, and I had a total of eight girls show up. Most were friends, which I'm so grateful for. I was also proud that I got out of my comfort zone and took a chance at something I've wanted to do for a long time.
I had journal prompts for those who needed a little push and cute rose-gold pens with my website on them. After introductions and instructions, we mingled, ate, drank our coffees and teas, and journaled together.
What I Learned
Because it was my first event, I had low expectations, and I think that's best when planning something like this. The atmosphere seemed very encouraging, and everyone seemed to enjoy the space. However, I think we all could agree it was a little noisy at times, so it was hard to hear each other.
I hope to make this a monthly event, so having it in a quieter space or a restaurant with a private room would be ideal. I also would like to include more activities in the meet-ups to help build more community with each other. (I'm still collecting surveys, so more feedback is pending.)
The older I get, the more I believe in timing. I realized I had to go through certain transformations to become the person I am today to even create a brand like The Self-Care Writer. By showing up for myself through tools like journaling, I, in turn, can better show up for others.
While this is just the beginning, I am excited for what's to come. Who knows? I may even write a follow-up story about what else I've conquered since my first meet-up.
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