

When I was 13, I had sex for the first time.
He was 16, handsome, popular, and perfect in my eyes. Thinking back, I probably should have been wearing my glasses when I met him. Maybe then, I would have been able to see right through him.
When I was 19, I fell in love with an abuser. We fought and made love, fought some more, and fucked again. It became our cycle. At the time, I called it passion. Thinking back, I should have been strapped.
When I was 22, I fell in love with another woman's man. I didn't know he was already taken...at first. However, when I found out, I stayed. He was a verbal abuser. He would never put his hands on me but his words hit just as hard as any blow I'd ever taken. At the time, I thought he just needed to be loved harder. Thinking back, I should have returned his ass to sender and left him on the shelf for someone else to assemble.
These three men have had the biggest impact on my life. I could talk for hours about how they belonged in the trash, but I can't talk about them without shaming myself. After all, they were my choices.
I used to ask myself daily: What does "damaged" look like? Is it a he or a she? Does it resemble these men, or does it look more like me? And then one day, it hit me… hard! It hit harder than the time the dining room table attacked my pinky toe when I was just trying to get a late-night glass of OJ. It hit even harder than the time I took a boxing class and got paired against an opponent the size of Thanos. What did "damaged" look like?
The truth came crashing down, causing an electrical surge that lit every lightbulb in my studio apartment.
She is a Black woman, 5'1 with chubby cheeks, round nose, and eyes that squint when she smiles. She is iron that's rusted from the lack of care. She is a girl who was raised by her girls and big hoop earrings, "Oh Baby" lip gloss from MAC on her lips, and a laugh so loud that it overshadowed her pain.
Today, she is love without direction.
If this were a math equation, "damaged" would be best described as the common denominator. The one that stays the same in every fraction.
"Damaged" was me.
I never understood why or how I always ended up in unhealthy relationships with men. When I realized that I was the common denominator, I wondered what was wrong with me. Why did I choose to fall in love with abusers, users, and manipulators? It wasn't until later on in life, when I realized that damaged goods aren't placed on the shelf. They're placed in a bin with the other dented and cracked cans. This is the bin that I was digging for love in.
Silly me.
I came to this realization and set out on a journey to heal myself. I started my quest with forgiveness. This was my first mistake.
I thought forgiveness would heal all of my wounds. I thought if I forgave my mother for not caring for me the way I needed to be cared for, then that would heal me. I thought if I forgave my dad for not showing up, then I would be healed. I thought that by forgiving myself for allowing myself to be hurt and shamed, that I would be healed. I was wrong every time. I came to know that forgiveness is NOT medication. Instead, it's more like a Band-Aid. We put it over the wound so that we don't have to look at the wound, so that we can pretend that it's okay. However, in order for a wound to heal, it needs air. It can't breathe through a Band-Aid.
I'd been burying my pain in the name of forgiveness.
I avoided my feelings toward the turmoil I've experienced because I had been so anxious to claim victory over my past. I figured the quickest way to heal was to forgive and move on – leave the past in the past. However, does forgiveness remove the pain? Can I forgive you, love you, but still resent you? Is it possible to no longer harbor anger toward someone but still feel the pain from their sting whenever they enter the room? The answer for me was "yes." So, I tried a different approach.
I created a defense mechanism where I would dismiss my experiences in the name of gratitude. This was my second mistake. I would say things like, "Look how far I've come, I'm so grateful! Dwelling on the past is an insult to my blessings," or "It could have been worst, so how dare I complain?" It wasn't until years later that I had another light bulb moment – gratitude is formed through pain, so how can I express gratitude without acknowledging my pain? Had I not gone through the jungle, I wouldn't be able to truly appreciate the rain forest.
After many years of chasing the solace that I desperately needed, I realized that I wasn't going to get it through those commonly used tactics. For me, healing meant facing my pain head on. It meant having unapologetic difficult conversations with the people who hurt me. My truth was that I couldn't hide from my pain, dismiss it, cover it up, or diminish it.
I had to bring up the old shit and deal with it as if it happened yesterday.
So, I decided to start journaling. I figured it was the easiest way to release the pain that I had been harboring. I wrote as if the words were for my eyes only. I didn't think twice about word choice or tone. In fact, my words were harsh and hurtful. I wrote until every ounce of pain was on pages. When I was finished, I tore out each entry and placed them in envelopes. I decided that if I didn't have the courage to talk about my pain in person with the people who hurt me, then these letters would suffice. I still have each letter and I revisit them periodically as a reminder of how far I've come.
The moral of this story is: yes, the men who hurt me were trash. They practically came wrapped in a big black Hefty bag. However, I was trash too. After all, I hopped my little booty in that bag and laid right next to them. The most important lesson I learned was that my poor choices were the result of my open wounds.
Sure, I was damaged, but I'm not anymore. The beautiful thing about a self-realized life is that no one's damage has to be permanent.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com
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Shanelle Ashley is a writer and content creator. She's established a career working in television for companies including BET and currently A+E Networks. She has a passion for storytelling and hopes to one day create a story that will touch the world. Keep up with Shanelle on Instagram and Twitter @ShanelleAshley_.
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
Tisha Campbell Shares Why She Got A Mommy Makeover & And We’re Here For The Transparency
Tisha Campbell is still here. Here. Here. Here. (If you know, you know.) The 56-year-old actress and singer is living her life loudly and without apology, all while keeping it real about the work she's had done.
While gracing the 2025 BET Awards red carpet last week, the My Wife & Kids alum let it be known that she has nothing to hide as she revealed to Entertainment Tonight that she recently had a mommy makeover. "I had extra skin from the baby and a little bit of droppage here and a little bit of droppage there," she shared with the outlet as an exclusive. "They tighten me together."
The mother of two shared that changing her body wasn't about anyone else; it was first and foremost about pleasing herself. "I'm a single mom, not ready for dating," she added. "But I just wanted to feel good for me."
Why Tisha Campbell Chose to Share About Her Plastic Surgery
Tisha isn't new to keeping it a buck and has always been transparent about subjects that others might shy away from, whether it's about her decision to walk away from the show that put her on the map as an actor or her decision to walk away from a 22-year marriage to ex-husband Duane Martin. Cosmetic surgery is simply another topic for the Tisha to be open about.
Even in a post-BBL era, cosmetic procedures are something that is still taboo to talk about, especially among women in Hollywood who have spent decades in the public eye, like Tisha. The self-proclaimed "open book" shared her why behind disclosing her surgery:
"I just think it's more important for people to know why one does it. If you wanna feel good about you. And I just wanted to be honest about it," she told ET. "I think it's more important, to be honest, to know that you know I didn't all this by myself. It's nice to be a little bit more snatched around that area."
Tisha Campbell is serving confidence and honesty about her mommy makeover 👶✨ #BETAwards #tishacampbell #kyliejenner #mommymakeover
So, What Is a Mommy Makeover?
For those who are unfamiliar, a "mommy makeover" refers to a combination of cosmetic procedures and can differ for every woman depending on her personal goals. While the overarching intention of a mommy makeover is often to "restore" their bodies to their "pre-baby" status, the procedures are customizable and ultimately based on what feels good to her personally.
This might look like a tummy tuck or liposuction, a breast lift, reduction, or augmentation, a labiaplasty, or any other nips and tucks that support how they feel in their bodies after giving birth.
What stood out in Tisha's clip wasn't just her transparency in action, but also the intention behind her decision to have surgery. She waited until her sons Xen, 23, and Ezekiel,15, were older to have her procedure and made it clear that she centered herself in her choice. In her new season life, this is how she is honoring herself.
"For me. It's not for everybody, it's for me."
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