The Signs Of A Truly Intimate Relationship
If you spend even 15 minutes a day online, you're likely to run across at least two dozen relationship articles. So, what makes this one any different? It's actually a particular word that's in the title. Did you peep how I didn't use words like "good", "healthy" or "long-lasting"? Yeah, what separates this piece from many of the others is the operative word—intimate.
When you think of intimacy, what immediately comes to your mind? Closeness? Sex? While those kinds of things can—and should—certainly come out of an intimate relationship, there are some core characteristics that need to be put into place—first.
Whether you've been seeing someone for a few weeks now and you're hoping it will turn into something more or you've been making this love thing work for a while now but you need a "gut check", just to make sure that you and yours are still on the right track, here are eight things that, based on the definitions of intimate, you need to have in your relationship in order for it to be truly and authentically intimate.
The Signs Of A Truly Intimate Relationship
1.Friendship
Getty Images
To me, the foundation of every great relationship is friendship. At the same time, the reason why I think that not nearly enough people make this a priority is because either they don't value friendship as much as they should or they've never been in a relationship where friendship was the cornerstone of it. I have. I also know married couples who are the very best of friends and when I tell you that it makes loving someone—and staying with them—so much easier to do? Words fully cannot express.
It's really kind of sad that "friendship" isn't synonymous with "intimacy" for a lot of us because to be in a friendship is one of the very definitions of what it means to be intimate with someone. When you're with someone who loves, respects, supports and celebrates you; when you're with someone who makes you and your needs a priority and therefore, also makes themselves available to you, even when it's not always the most convenient to do so, and when you know you're with someone you can trust with your heart, your secrets, your resources and pretty much your life, in general? ((Exhale)) Does it really get any more intimate than that? I seriously doubt it.
2.Raw Honesty
Sooner than later, I'll be sharing an article about what it means to have a man in your life who is good for you rather than merely good to you. I got the concept from a male friend of mine who once told me something about a guy that I was crushin' on at the time. What he said was spot-on and the ultimate reality check; that doesn't mean that a sistah wanted to hear it, though. Anyway, after my friend ran down all of the reasons why he thought the guy wasn't as into me as I wanted to believe that he was, when I jumped about 65 percent on the defensive, my friend said, "If all you eat is cake, you're gonna get sick. Take this medicine, girl. Learn to embrace what's good for you even if it doesn't seem good to you at the time." Ouch.
Medicine can taste nasty, but its objective is to make you better. That's how I look at raw honesty and its purpose. The reason why I use the word "raw" instead of "brutal" is because I really like the Scripture in the Good Book that talks about speaking truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).
When someone loves you and you love them, the truth doesn't have to be weaponized. You can be direct and forthcoming without breaking their spirit in the process.
That being said, truly intimate people don't want to see the ones they love make poor decisions or to continue doing things that are emotionally, financially, relationally, spiritually or personally counterproductive. If that requires lovingly calling them out on their ish sometimes, so be it. The connection is solid enough to where the person on the receiving end can receive it—also in love.
3.Warmth
Getty Images
I personally think that one of the most underrated definitions of intimacy is warmth. Not to go all church on you today, but I must admit that when I think of the word "warm", the first thing that comes to my mind is this—"Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone?" (Ecclesiastes 4:11—NKJV) Warmth is support. Warmth is kindness. Warmth is being generous and giving. Warmth is—and this is a good one—empathy.
To me, warmth is about having a hard day at work, coming home and immediately feeling safe because you know that if there is one place in the world that can serve as a place of refuge, it's within the presence of your partner. No matter how cold the world may be, when you're with them, there's comfort—and warmth.
4.Confidentiality
Whenever I hear about a celebrity getting divorced for what seems like the billionth time, one of the first things that crosses my mind is not if they had a prenup in place, but if they had some sort of NDA (nondisclosure agreement) signed. I don't know about you, but a part of what would motivate me to stay with my future spouse until death parts us is the fact that they know basically all of my business; I don't want to have five different husbands having access to such personal information.
Yep. Another clear indication of intimacy is to know and to be known—not just physically but mentally and emotionally too. It's about being able to share any and everything, knowing that it won't be used against you and that it won't get out in the streets, whether it's to a work associate, a close friend or even (eh hem) somebody's mama.
There are people I am no longer friends with who, when we were close, they shared some things with me that I would still never reveal. Why? Because it was confidential information. The status of the relationship hasn't changed that fact.
There can be no true intimacy without some level of confidentiality being involved. Don't @ me on this.
5.Affection
Getty Images
"Affection" is such a sweet word. It speaks to being loving, devoted, sentimental and attached. When someone is being affectionate with someone else, they are being caring and endearing. They go out of their way to show kindness and concern. They are devoted in a way that is lasting and loyal.
That's why it kind of gets on my nerves when people try and equate sex—at least casual sex—with affection. Well, let me back up a bit. While once reading an article on whether men think that oral sex is more intimate than intercourse, a commenter by the name of Jeremy Glenesk replied by saying this: "This is really a subjective question. For me, personally, I would say yes. I find something very intimate about using my face to pleasure my partner. My penis is just an appendage (and not a terribly attractive one), but my face is me. It's the part of myself that I associate with my self. As such, using the part of me that I most associate with myself as a person to pleasure my partner makes the experience much more intimate for me. I'm not just experiencing a pleasant touch (as would be the case through my penis), but also scent and taste as well, that I wouldn't experience otherwise." (Take heed, ladies. A LOT of men think of intercourse in the way that he expressed it.)
This is how I see the act of sex (minus the emotional connection) vs. affection. Someone can have sex with someone else, just to get off. But it's very hard to be affectionate towards another individual and be selfish at the same time. Affection is about being gentle and, to a certain degree, even vulnerable. It's about sharing the sentimental side of your being. A relationship that is affectionate is a relationship that is truly invaluable (and I doubt is lacking in the sex department either!).
6.Nurturing
This is another word that gets slept on way too much when it comes to associating it with intimacy. I think it's because a lot of us think of nurture as it relates to parenting; you know, "to bring up; train; educate" and NO ONE wants to be trained by their romantic partner.
But there are other definitions of nurture that I think definitely do apply to intimate relationships. Nurture also means to feed and protect which makes me think of an episode of A Different World when Dwayne told Whitley that "good love is like good grub". He followed that up by saying to her, "You need someone who's gonna feed you, Whitley."
Nurture also means to encourage and develop. The reason why I think this is paramount is because I am not of the belief that the purpose of long-term relationships is for two people to change one another. At the same time, what I do think, is when the relationship is healthy and purpose-filled, two individuals can't help but to improve one another. The core of them remains the same, but they continue to become "2.0 versions" of themselves. To me, mutual nurturing facilitates this. It's one of the greatest rewards that comes as the result of being intimate with another human being.
7.Spirituality
Getty Images
In a nutshell, our spirituality is our spiritual character. People who are spiritual have profound respect for a higher power in their life. People who are spiritual have respect for all living beings. People who are spiritual esteem qualities like humility, honesty and generosity. People who are spiritual tend to value wisdom and knowledge more than fortune and fame. People who are spiritual know that it's more blessed to give than to receive.
People who are spiritual understand that love requires words and actions. No wonder spirituality is something that is a signature trait of a truly intimate relationship.
I once read an article that said when you're in an authentically spiritual relationship with someone else, evidence of that is the fact that you both practice compassion in favor of judgment and forgiveness instead of grudges. Plus, you desire, more than anything else, to be fully present, with your partner, in the relationship—mind, body and soul.
I don't know about you, but I would think that the only way to fully enjoy true and lasting intimacy, on any level, with someone is by first making sure that you are spiritually in sync…first.
8.Faithfulness
Most folks, when they think of the word "faithful", what comes to mind is someone who won't cheat, whether it's physically or emotionally. But it's a word that is a lot bigger than fidelity. When someone is faithful, they keep their word (across the board). They are loyal and reliable. They say what they mean and mean what they say. Faithful people are also super thorough. If they tell you, "I am in this and I'm committed", they are gonna make sure you feel it and know it every single day that you are with them.
I don't know about you, but probably the sexiest trait of intimacy is faithfulness. Any man who is devoted, loving, sincere, consistent, trustworthy and genuine is the kind of man that doesn't have to worry about getting his fill of intimacy, in every room of the house. That's for daggum sure. Faithfulness is the epitome of intimacy. Full stop.
Featured image by Getty Images
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
I Took A Sexercise Class With My Husband
4 Easy Ways To Build Intimacy In A Relationship Without Sex
10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make
Unpopular Opinion: Men And Women CAN Really Be 'Just Friends'
- Signs You Respect Your Spouse - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Signs You Respect Your Spouse - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 6. Intimacy Is Also Being Cultivated Outside of the Bedroom - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Tranquility - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Identify 5 Signs of Emotional Intimacy and Why You Must Build It for ... ›
- 10 Signs You and Your Partner Are a Great Match | Women's Health ›
- Is Your Relationship Truly Intimate? 7 Ways To Tell ›
- Intimate relationship between instability and degenerative signs at ... ›
- 5 Signs You're In A Spiritually Intimate Relationship ›
- 8 Signs Your Relationship Lacks Emotional Intimacy ›
- 5 Stages Of Intimacy In A Relationship & How To Tell Which Stage ... ›
- Signs You're in a Healthy Intimate Relationship (and What to Do if Not) ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
The Champion's Path: How Cari Champion Is Redefining Roles For Black Women In Media
Cari Champion has had many dream jobs. All of them have helped inform what she does and does not want for herself moving forward. “I get more and more curious. My dreams evolve. My desires change,” she said. “And I feel sorry for people who can’t experience that because it’s a beautiful feeling, it’s a beautiful challenge, and it makes you everything that you are.”
When we speak in late April, the journalist and media personality is preparing for a visit to Atlanta for The Black Effect Podcast Festival. The trip would allow her to spend time in a city that she said taught her a lot about herself and working in the media industry.
Champion was still early in her career when she worked for Atlanta’s CBS affiliate news station, where she was fired, reinstated, and subsequently quit after being accused of accidentally cursing on air in 2008. (“I didn’t. They knew I didn’t. I said ‘mothersucka,’” she said of the hot mic incident.) Still, the Los Angeles native insists she only has the fondest memories of her time in the southern city.
“I grew up in West LA, then moved to Pasadena, and those kinds of familial, tight-knit Black groups just didn’t exist. LA is spread out in a lot of ways,” she said. “To me, Atlanta ultimately built this woman that I am today and [is] why I speak so comfortably for us and for Black people. I had to have that entire experience.”
"To me, Atlanta ultimately built this woman that I am today and [is] why I speak so comfortably for us and for Black people."
It’s been 16 years since Champion moved from Atlanta and her career, as well as her desire to center Black voices in her work, has soared. After working as an anchor and court-side reporter for The Tennis Channel, she spent nearly a decade working as a host and anchor on ESPN for shows such as First Take and SportsCenter.
By the time she began hosting Cari & Jemele: Stick to Sports, on Vice TV with Jemele Hill in 2020, Champion had increasingly become determined to shun the notion that only sports reporters and athletes could credibly discuss sports. The Vice show featured guests such as LeBron James and Magic Johnson, but also Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Nikole Hannah-Jones and Sen. Cory Booker.
At a time when America was reckoning with its racial history, Champion solidified herself as a trailblazer for Black women in sports media, as well as a crucial voice for cultural commentary. Today, she regularly appears on CNN discussing sports, culture, and politics.
Champion is now hosting the fourth season of the podcast Naked with Cari Champion on The Black Effect Podcast Festival, which is a partnership between iHeartMedia and Charlamagne Tha God, a media personality and a friend. “We kind of grew up together in this game. And when we first started figuring out or getting attention on a different type of level than we were used to, we learned a lot together,” she said of Charlamagne. “He put this network together for people who are beginning [and] people who are old-heads in the business. He wanted to make sure that all of us had a voice.”
It’s been an adjustment for a traditional TV reporter to transition into podcasting, but Champion said she’s found the medium to be a “much more freeing world.” When she’s speaking to guests such as talk show host Tamron Hall, singer Muni Long, or retired athlete Sanya Richards-Ross, she can “get lost in a conversation” and embrace a more casual environment than the structure of a cable TV show would allow.
Behind the scenes, Champion’s still doing her part to make sure there continues to be a pipeline of Black and brown women in journalism and beyond, too.
In 2018, she launched the nonprofit Brown Girls Dream and enlisted her celebrity friends to help mentor young women in a way that she felt she was never able to receive in the early years of her own career. “When I was at ESPN, I used to get all these emails from different Black and brown girls in the business. They wanted to talk to me about how they could [have the opportunity to] do the same thing [as me],” Champion said. “It fills my heart to see somebody actually get an opportunity to talk to somebody who can guide them through their career.”
Current Brown Girls Dream mentors include journalists Jemele Hill and Nichelle Turner, marketing executive Bozoma Saint John, and more. “These women are just the dopest ever and they take time out to give back to brown girls,” Champion said. “It’s special.”
When she reflects on representation in sports media roles, the Naked host said she’s inspired by the women of color she sees on television today. “I think women of color are doing great. It’s become more and more common to be on air and be Black girl magic,” she said.
“I think that the next level for us, in terms of Black and brown women in this business succeeding, is having true power over what our words are and what the content is,” she added. “Because, when push comes to shove and we want to really tell a story, we sometimes have to acquiesce, and we can't tell the story the way we want to. The next level is that we actually do have editorial control.”
"I think that the next level for us, in terms of Black and brown women in this business succeeding, is having true power over what our words are and what the content is."
Ultimately, Champion is still dreaming and looking to make an impact. She said she wants to eventually launch her own Black news network. “I would love to have a huge platform that focused on the stories that I think Black and brown women care about,” Champion said. “There are so many stories that are being missed.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image Emma McIntyre / Staff/Getty Images