So, let me break down what inspired this particular topic. One day, while I was in a session with a couple about how their sex life had been dwindling as of late, the wife said something that caused me to do some real reflecting: “I enjoy having sex with him. It’s just that my vagina is so tired all of the time.”
When I asked her to repeat herself for clarity, she looked at me like, “You heard me.”
“Girl, sometimes it’s literally like my vagina isn’t in the mood for sex. I don’t know how to explain it.”
I kept going deeper. When I asked her if sex was painful, she replied with, “Eh. It’s more like, sometimes, it’s a bit uncomfortable in there. Or I’m not as wet. Or ‘she’ doesn’t have a lot of energy — like the rest of my body is down, but my vagina, specifically, just isn’t in the mood.”
I mean, the vagina is indeed a muscle, and in order to accommodate a penis (or sex toy or even a finger), there is some “stretch work” that it has to do. So yeah, even if we don’t really give it much thought, it makes sense that when the spirit is willing while the flesh is weak for coitus, the “flesh” could be your literal vagina from time to time.
And so, in honor of the client who inspired me to write this, along with every woman who may have felt similar to her at one point or another, here are 12 things that could very well help you out if you’re in the mood for sex and yet, interestingly enough, somehow, it seems that your vagina…isn’t.
1. Take a Collagen Supplement
Getty Images
Probably the best way to explain what collagen is is it’s a type of protein that 30 percent of your body’s protein consists of. It supports your bones, your hair, skin, and nails and can even help keep your heart healthy. Although collagen is found in foods like bone broth, dark leafy greens, and egg whites (for starters), if your vagina needs a bit of a boost, taking a collagen supplement is a good idea, too. In this lane, it helps because, not only does it increase the elasticity of your skin and muscles, it can help to boost hydration, including when it comes to your vagina’s natural lubrication. The more lubrication you produce, the more comfortable intercourse will feel.
For the record, if you’d like an immediate collagen “boost,” look into getting an O-shot. Long story short, it’s a procedure that helps your vagina to create more blood vessels and nerves, which could help to improve your orgasms by increasing their intensity. And yes, a part of what’s in the shot is collagen. If you’re interested, you can read more about it here.
2. Eat Some Vitamin E-Enriched Foods
Getty Images
Earlier this year, I wrote an article for the platform about supplements that are good for your vagina. One of those I mentioned was vitamin E. Not only can it help with vaginal atrophy (the thinning of vaginal walls that can happen during and after menopause), but it can also add more moisture to your vagina too — and that can make your vagina feel more energized and youthful. There are vitamin E suppositories that might be beneficial, or you can eat foods that are high in this particular nutrient. Some of those include almonds, sunflower seeds, pumpkin, turnip greens, cranberries, and olives.
3. Try a Banana, Avocado and Yogurt Smoothie
Getty Images
Speaking of foods that can perk your vagina up, when was the last time you treated yourself to a homemade smoothie? If you consume one that contains banana, avocado, and yogurt, they will work together to do your vagina quite a bit of good. The potassium in the banana can help to increase arousal and keep the muscular canal (which is your vagina) strong; the vitamin B6 that’s in the avocado can boost your libido and help to keep things moist, and the yogurt will help to get more probiotics in your system. That way, you reduce the chances of getting a yeast infection (which can sometimes happen due to a change in pH levels due to sexual activity).
Plus, there are studies to support that the more “good bacteria” that are in your system, the healthier your gut and vagina are — and the more sexual desire you will end up having as a direct result. Pretty cool, right?
4. Drink Some Mint and Citrus Infused Water
Getty Images
I’ve got one more food tip before moving on to some other stuff.
It should come as no surprise to you that if you’re not drinking enough water, both your vagina and vulva are going to show some results of that very fact. And since being dehydrated can lower your libido and also since reportedly 75 percent of us are currently not just dehydrated but chronically dehydrated, definitely up your water intake as soon as possible.
Your vagina will really like it if you make some infused water that contains mint and citrus fruit. Mint helps to keep your vagina’s pH levels in check; plus, it can increase blood circulation down in your vaginal region (mint does this wherever it is applied). And citrus? Fruits like oranges, grapefruit, lemons, and limes help your body to produce collagen (and we’ve already discussed what collagen does).
Citrus fruit is also high in antioxidants, which can help to improve infertility issues. Also, this type of fruit is full of vitamin C, which can increase your sex drive. Some other benefits of vitamin C are it can help to ward off or even prevent bacterial vaginosis (BV), and since its symptoms include itching, odor, and vaginal irritation, I’m sure you can see how all vitamin C is a major perk all the way around.
5. Try an Arousal Lubricating Gel
Getty Images
You’ve probably heard that the biggest sex organ is your brain, and that would absolutely be the case. This means that when your mind is just not “there,” it can have a direct influence on your genital region. Yet what if a large part of you definitely wants to have sex, but you just can’t seem to get your vagina to get in immediate sync? There’s no shame in trying an arousal gel. They are specifically designed to arouse your vagina and also get you wetter down below — and the wetter, the better…right? If you’re down yet you’re not sure which lube would work best for you, Cosmo has a pretty thorough list of arousal gels that you can check out here.
6. Or Some CBD Gel
Getty Images
If you’ve been on the fence about whether or not to incorporate cannabis into your sex life when you get a second, check out “7 Proven Ways Weed Makes Sex So Much Better;” it definitely will provide you with some food for thought. That said, if there’s a part of you that wants to give it a shot, but you’d like to ease into the experience, why not try some CBD-infused lubricant? It helps to increase blood flow to your genital region, it can increase sexual arousal in your body, and it can also help your vagina to relax. The more relaxed “she” is, the easier it will be for you both to climax. Check out a list of some current CBD gel brands that you’ll thoroughly enjoy here; PopSugar has some others here.
7. Consider Some Red Light Therapy
Getty Images
As I’ve been staying on my mission to grow longer and healthier hair (not necessarily in that order), I’ve been more intentional than ever about taking care of my scalp — and that includes massaging it with a device that offers red and blue light therapy. I’ve read that this type of therapy helps to strengthen my hair follicles, which is always a good thing.
Well, guess what? Red light therapy can be good for your vagina, too. Long story short, the combination of both the heat and light that this type of device emits can help to strengthen your vaginal walls, encourage the growth of healthy tissue cells and increase blood circulation to your vagina — and all of this can ultimately make sex more pleasurable for you.
Although they’re not the cheapest things on the planet, a red light device that’s specifically designed for your vagina and pelvic floor is a great investment on a myriad of different levels. I found one for about $120 that comes with some pretty solid reviews. You can check it out here.
8. Do Some Old-Fashioned Dry Humping
Getty Images
It’s not uncommon for two people who’ve been having sex for a while to kind of skip over foreplay and go right to kissing and then intercourse. For us women, we all know that doing that can sometimes make the sexual experience a bit of a “whomp whomp” because our bodies simply weren’t warmed up enough for penetration. If you’re nodding your head up and down in agreement, something that can help in this department is some old-fashioned dry humping.
Hey, call it corny if you want to but, going back to the days of — as the older folks used to call it — making out can slow everything down while building anticipation in the process. It can also give your vagina time to “get excited.” Just make sure that you do this in something other than thick material like jeans. It doesn’t make sense to be rubbing on each other passionately if your clothes are gonna irritate your vagina in the process; now you’re going to have a whole ‘nother set of issues.
9. Have Your Partner Create the “Peace” Sign with Your Clitoris
Getty Images
The same session that I mentioned in the intro? When it came time for the husband to get his two cents in, what he shared was valuable. He said that something he does to perk his wife’s vagina on up is to use the peace sign on her clitoris — and yes, he was being quite literal. He puts some lube on his index and middle finger, throws up the peace sign, and then rubs her clitoris back and forth with it in between his fingers. He says that, more times than not, it works like a charm. I looked over at her, and after she blushed a bit, she nodded her head in agreement. Just sharing the wealth, y’all. Just sharing the wealth.
10. Receive an Oral Sex Orgasm. Take a Quickie Nap. Then Have Intercourse.
Getty Images
Honestly, this tip is like a 2.0 version of edging and, to tell you the truth, out of all of the things that I’ve already stated, if there’s one tip that could probably “wake your vagina up” the quickest, this would be it. Since a whopping 81 percent of people reportedly orgasm from receiving oral sex, get your own girl in the game by having your partner go down on you. Then take a nap (a skin-to-skin one would be divine) and then go for a round or two of intercourse.
Taking this approach will get your vagina wet and happy, a quickie nap will provide an energy boost, the cuddling will raise your oxytocin and dopamine levels (so that you will feel closer to and happier with your partner) — and all of this will make penetrative sex so much better…for all parties involved.
11. Get Your Partner to Do Some “Rocking”
Getty Images
Yeah, rocking is the ish. If you’re not familiar with what that is, it’s when your partner doesn’t use his penis to go in and out of your vagina; instead, he remains still as you “rock” on his shaft (like when you’re on top). The reason why this can be more beneficial for your vaginal pleasure is 1) you can control the movements better and 2) it increases the chances of your clitoris and vagina being stimulated at the same time — and since most women orgasm from clitoral stimulation instead of vaginal penetration…well…there ya go.
12. Or Try Sex Positions That Provide Deep(er) Penetration
Getty Images
Although deep penetrative sex doesn’t work for everyone (for instance, if you have an inverted uterus or a short cervix, it could be painful), I did think I should round this article out with this tip because it can definitely be like a cup of coffee, black, for some women. For instance, if you get on your stomach, have your partner lie on top of you while penetrating you that way (some call it the flatiron while I call it the cat position…if you’ve seen actually cats have sex before, you know why), it can massage your G-spot which is an almost surefire way to get your vagina up and going.
Anyway, if you want to check out some other sex positions that can take “going deep” to new levels, check out Women’s Health’s “15 Sex Positions For Those Times You Really Want To Go Deep.”
_____
Listen, no matter how great sex is, sometimes there are parts of you that just aren’t as much in the mood as you would probably like them to be. If that happens to be your vagina, hopefully, no, you know how to get her head into the game — umm…so to speak. Enjoy, sis. In-freakin’-joy!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
