
I've Got 7 Signs That You're In An Emotionally Draining Relational Dynamic

There are some experts who say that we all have six basic emotions — happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise, and disgust. I personally believe that a lot of us continue to stay in the emotional ruts that we find ourselves in because we don’t expand past these six when it comes to verbally expressing how we feel (for instance, are you angry or irritated? Are you sad or just tired? — you can download an emotional wheel here). What I will say is, because emotions are a human regulator, it’s always important to take moments, throughout the day, to “check-in” with your feelings to see where you’re at — and if where you are is drained, yeah…that ain’t good.
To be drained is to find yourself in a state and position where you feel…empty. And because we are, in part, emotional beings, that’s not good because being depleted affects our self-regulation and that can infect our processing and the steps that we need to take to do what’s truly best for us.
7 Signs Your Relationship Is Emotionally Draining You
You know who knows this to be true? Emotionally draining people. Know what else? They absolutely do not care. All they can think about is doing whatever needs to be done to get their own needs — including their emotional needs — met. And if that wears you out in the process…so be it.
More times than not, these kinds of individuals are entitled, selfish, and oftentimes very emotionally immature. They don’t care about this either. That’s why it’s on you (and me) to become self-aware of our own relational needs and then to become aware of some telling signs that you are being emotionally drained, so that you can set boundaries and act accordingly.
For now, here are seven that are dead ringers that boundaries are needed ASAP.
1. You Feel Anxious at the Mere Thought of Being Around Them
There used to be some people in my life (and by “people,” I mean relatives) who I found myself damn near hyperventilating at the mere thought of having to be around them. They were controlling. They were manipulative. They couldn’t respect a boundary to save their life. And they liked to abuse Scripture to justify their behavior.
What made it even worse was, because a lot of people around them were either just like them or henpecked to death by them, they would try and make me feel bad for not wanting that kind of toxicity around me. And so, for many — FAR TOO MANY — years, I would stay on a vicious rollercoaster of feeling peace whenever those individuals weren’t around and totally stressed out whenever they were.
Listen, when you’re in the presence of people who are right for you, anxiety should be far, far away from your emotional space. The reason why I say that is because, by definition, anxiety means things like mental distress, uneasiness, and worry — and all of this is connected to thinking that you’re going to be in some type of danger or some sort of misfortune is going to happen to you if, in this case, those kinds of individuals come around.
In other words, in the context of this article, anxiety is signaling a red flag. So, instead of you trying to suppress it, the wiser thing to do is really stop and ask yourself, “Why is it that when [insert name here] comes to mind, I feel this way?” Then really listen to yourself when the answer presents itself — and then act accordingly when it comes to the steps that you need to put into place next in order to experience less anxiety and more calm. Take whatever steps are necessary too. Anxiety is not something that you want to play with. Stress either.
2. “Emotional Vampire” Tracks When It Comes to a Way to Describe Them
When it comes to everything that I just said, if there’s a term that would describe those people perfectly, “emotional vampire” would definitely scratch the itch. So, how do you know if you’ve got an emotional vampire in your life — I mean, beyond what I just described?
According to many mental health professionals, there are three telling signs that someone fits this particular bill:
- They constantly need attention and/or validation.
- They suck at self-accountability (and honestly, emotional self-regulation).
- They tend to stay in counterproductive — if not flat-out self-destructive — patterns.
Because of this, having them around typically results in them doing things like:
Gaslighting you — making you think that you’re insane for having the memories or feelings that are directly related to them that you do.
Being passive-aggressive — hinting around at issues instead of directly addressing them (which yes, is super draining). You know the kind: when you ask them “What’s wrong?”, they say “nothing” five times before actually getting to the point. LAWD.
Playing the victim — when you call them out on their ish, either it’s someone else’s fault or they start to act like you are bullying them by addressing what they are actually doing wrong.
Talking too much — emotional vampires SUCK at listening. Listening means that they have to let other people have the floor, that they can’t be the center of attention, and/or that they might hear something that they would prefer to ignore or avoid. That said, watch those who talk over you a lot. Not only is it disrespectful but oftentimes, they are telling you that they don’t want to deal with whatever you’re about to say (even if they know that they should).
Taking control — controlling people are draining because we aren’t designed to be controlled (or to control others). We’re adults and that means we are free to have our own opinions, perspectives, and even ways of doing things. Emotional vampires will always push back on this because, if the way you choose to live your life does not serve them in the way that they want it to, they will try and get some control over you, so that they can (continue to) manipulate you.
I honestly could go on and on with this point; however, what I will say for now is, if this resonated with you more than a lil’ bit, there is an emotional vampire in your midst and it’s time to get some distance and set some boundaries. FIRM ONES.
3. You’re Definitely “Keeping Tabs” on the Relationship
You wanna know a clear indication that someone is manipulating and/or using you? It’s when you bring up to them that you feel like you’re the one who is doing most of the “heavy lifting” in the relationship and they come at you on some, “If you’re keeping tabs, you’re not doing ‘it’ for the right reasons.”
Chile, please stop. The reality is that if there was true reciprocity, I wouldn’t need to keep tabs. Keeping tabs is what’s revealing to me that there isn’t.
There are some people in my life who, I couldn’t “tally up” what I’ve done for them vs. what they’ve done for me if I tried. That’s how seamless the relationship is on the give-and-take tip. Then there are those who, I’m honestly embarrassed that I did so much when they offered so little in return. For example, the day ones (of reading my work on this platform) might remember my mentioning a so-called friendship where I spent thousands of dollars (yes, literally) over the years and all I got from them (again, yes literally) was a $5 ring from some museum and a packet of lip gloss…that they actually lost. I used to chalk it up to them giving differently but c’mon — thousands in comparison to 10 bucks? Nah. I was played, for sure.
Someone who takes more than they give, even when it comes to tangible things, is eventually going to emotionally drain you because you will start to feel taken advantage of — and when that happens, it will eventually take a real toll on you. Trust me, I’ve been there.
4. They Treat You Like a Makeshift Therapist (Instead of Going to Actual Therapy)
Whenever I hear or read that Black people fear therapy, there is a part of me that’s like, “Maybe some of us; however, I think more are afraid of paying a therapy bill.” Just think about it — how many people in your life seem to constantly have something that they need your insight and counsel about? Almost like they think that your main purpose in life is to act like their on-call (and not paid) therapist. SMDH.
Do healthy relationships consist of being safe spaces for two people to share, vent, process, and get (hopefully) some sound advice? 1000 percent. However, if every time that you answer the phone, the same person on the other end has some sort of issue or problem that it seems they want YOU to put more energy into solving (or resolving) than they are even willing to — that will totally get old after a while.
Besides, I tell a lot of my clients that, although relationships can be therapeutic, they are not the same thing as going to actual therapy. And so, if someone seems to be in a hamster wheel of drama or trauma and it’s getting to the point where you find yourself avoiding them because they have nothing else to talk about but their problems, it really is time to let them know that you can be a friend but they should seek a professional — because those things are not the same…because they’re not.
5. With Them, It’s ALWAYS Something
Back in 2015, I went on an intentional “tour” to resolve some things with certain men of my past. I actually wrote about it for the site (when you get a chance, check out, “Why Every Woman Should Go On A 'Get Your Heart Pieces Back' Tour”). Anyway, the main purpose of it was to make sure that I got the FULL CLOSURE that I needed so that I wouldn’t move forward with someone new while still being “haunted” by my past. It was honestly one of the best things that I’ve ever done.
Currently, I have a friend who is doing something similar — kinda-sorta by default. There is an ex in her life who has always been able to come back in, in part, because they’ve both always felt like it was poor timing that kept them from having a long-term committed relationship. Although I’ve seen some, at the very least, pink flags about ole’ boy, because I know what it’s like to not be able to get someone out of my system until I’m personally ready to, I’ve encouraged her to be intentional about getting the answers that she needs — so that if/when she’s done this time…IT’S DONE FOR GOOD (and yes, I am yelling it).
It's a slow crawl yet it seems like she’s starting to come around, because this guy? When I tell you that he’s always in some sort of crisis or he’s always got some sort of problem or he’s always “inconsistently upset” (meaning, he goes from hot to cold in a matter of moments) about something? And here’s the thing — life has moments of hardship, trials, and tests for all of us. Still, when someone is constantly in that space, at some point, they’ve got to be willing to accept that the common denominator in it all is them.
And if someone is always drawing conflict into their life, what do you think you’re gonna be dealing with, right along with them (especially in a romantic situation)? In fact, a lot of times, they will think that treading water (if not flat-out drowning) with them is a part of your role.
One of my favorite quotes of all time is, “Everywhere you go, there you are.” If someone’s always in some mess, you are only doing yourself harm by getting intimately involved with them. Yeah, some folks, you’ve gotta pray for and let them figure THEM out.
6. It’s Hard to Be Your Authentic Self in Their Presence
Walking on eggshells is also emotionally draining — and this is what tends to happen when you feel like you can’t be your genuine, complete, and unedited self when you’re around certain individuals.
For the record, I don’t mean that you should ever think that you have the right to be unhinged, rude, or disrespectful. All I’m saying is if you’re monitoring your words because they are constantly getting triggered or having their feelings hurt, if you find yourself backtracking or apologizing even when you don’t think that you’ve done anything wrong, if you are holding back when it comes to expressing your own views, likes or desires — that’s too much work and when relationships require a lot of stress, striving and toiling in order to keep them going, that too is gonna tap you out.
In fact, one of the greatest indications that you have found “your people” is when you can relax, exhale and be totally, unapologetically, and authentically YOU. If that’s not currently happening — I don’t care if it’s a partner, a friend, a relative, a job, a church…whatever, you are setting yourself up to be emotionally drained…if you’re not already right there.
7. You’d Rather Be Anywhere BUT Around Them
I’m proud of my friend circle. One reason is that they are out here doin’ the damn thing. They are thriving in their purpose. They are making big moves. Their schedules are full. And that’s why I’m almost honored if, when I call, they pick up — pretty much every time (or will follow up with a text that they will call when they can). One friend, in particular, shared why. He said, “Because I know that you’re not gonna drain the hell outta me.”
Again, when it comes to a topic like this, I could go on for days. For now, though, let’s just end it with this, if you’re avoiding someone because of how they make you feel whenever they’re in your emotional space, that’s another indication that they are probably emotionally draining you and so you need to go about the relationship differently.
Because why would you intentionally avoid someone who brings you peace, who makes you laugh, who brings encouragement and support, who helps to fill your cup rather than empty it?
Again, we’re all gonna have moments — possibly even seasons — when we’ll need people to help us through tough and trying times; this means that we need to be ready, willing, and prepared to return the favor. Yet if tough and trying are all that there is, something is…off.
Healthy relationships are supposed to be helpful NOT draining.
When it comes to yours — which is it? Really?
And if it’s Door #2 — set boundaries. QUICKLY.
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- Are You An Emotionally & Relationally Safe Person To Be Around? 6 Ways To Know. ›
- On Being An Empath & Not Taking On Emotions That Aren't Yours To Carry ›
- 6 Signs You're About To Let A Toxic Person (Back) Into Your Life ›
- This Is How A Friend Can Gaslight You — And Make It Feel Like It's Your Fault ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
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One of my favorite things to do is kiss. In fact, kissing is so important to me that I once stayed with someone longer than I should’ve, in part, because he was such a good kisser (to the point where I can confirm that “kissing orgasms” are a real thing) and I also once broke up with someone because he absolutely sucked at kissing (ugh). Kissing is sexy. Kissing is sensual. Kissing is intimate.
And science says that kissing can boost endorphin levels in your body; reduce feelings that are associated with stress and anxiety; elevate your immunity; help to lessen allergy-related symptoms; soothe headaches and period cramp discomfort; make you horny (yes, literally), and even decrease your chances of getting cavities.
Yes, kissing is a good thing. A really good thing.
Oh, but as someone who is turning out to be one of my favorite philosophers (Aristotle) once said, the excess of a virtue can indeed turn into a vice — and as far as kissing is concerned, that can prove itself to be true in a way that some may have thought was nothing more than an urban myth: getting STIs (sexually transmitted infections)/STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) from doing it.
Yep, if you heard somewhere that you can get an STI/STD from puckering up, there is indeed some truth to that, so please take a moment to read more about it. That way, you can finally separate fact from fiction.
Bottom Line, Yes…You Can. However, the Risks Are Relatively Low.
Honestly, if you let it sink in that a kiss that lasts for longer than 10 seconds will result in about 80 million bacteria being exchanged, that alone should cause it to make all of the sense in the world that a kiss isn’t something that should be taken as casually as a lot of people do. And although, when it comes to STIs/STDs, it is far easier to transmit them through penetrative or oral sex, the reality is that there are some that can you get via saliva or the mucous membranes that are in your mouth (although infected saliva that is on something like a sex toy makes your chances much lower because STIs/STDs tend to “deactivate” once they are exposed to the air).
And since “low probability” doesn’t mean “absolutely not,” I think we should look into which STIs/STDs could become an issue whenever you go in for a smooch vs. the ones that you don’t really have to concern yourself with at all.
The STIs/STDs That You CAN Get from Kissing
So, here’s the deal: If you happen to have a cut in your mouth or you’ve got a cold sore, that can significantly increase your chances of being exposed to an STI/STD if your partner happens to have one. Which ones am I speaking of specifically?
- Herpes (more specifically, HSV-1)
- Syphilis
- Cytomegalovirus (CMV)
- Human Papillomavirus (HPV)
Now something that’s important to keep in mind about three out of four of these (herpes, CMV, and HPV), is that, although they are very treatable, they currently don’t have a cure. As far as the one that does have one (syphilis), it’s important that it’s discovered and treated in its early stages; otherwise, it can lead to things like weight and hair loss, infertility and, if ignored for too long, it can even become life-threatening.
I don’t know about y’all but, to me, this all sounds like valid enough reasons to be cautious when it comes to who you share your mouth with.
The STIs/STDs That You CAN’T Get from Kissing
Okay, so what STIs/STDs does science say you don’t have to worry about when you’re kissing someone?
- Chlamydia
- Gonorrhea
- Hepatitis
- Trichomoniasis
- HIV
- Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID)
The reason why is because these are all things that are spread through oral, anal, or vaginal sex acts (however, they can oftentimes be asymptomatic, so if you are sexually active, please make sure to get tested no less than once a year). That said, if you do happen to have one of these STIs/STDs, please show courtesy and respect to your partner by letting them know — even if sex isn’t currently on the table for you.
Although research does indeed say that kissing doesn’t put them at risk, they still have the right to decide if they want to move forward with intimacy, of any kind, while these health-related issues are being treated.
5 Ways to Reduce Your Chances of Getting an STI/STD from Kissing
Okay, so now that you can confidently separate what you should actually know (and take to heart) from what you may have randomly heard that couldn’t be further from the truth, if you’re curious about what you can do to decrease your chances of getting an STI/STD from kissing, I’ve got a few tips:
Take kissing seriously. Grandma said don’t put your mouth everywhere and she’s right. In a world that continually tries to gaslight us into thinking that we can (and damn near should) just do whatever with whoever without consequence, as you can see, that’s simply not true — especially when you take into account how wild it is that most of the STIs/STDs that you can get from kissing don’t have a cure.
Moral to this story: Your mouth is as valuable as every other part of your body. It is a privilege to kiss it, so please act accordingly. Oh, and don’t be afraid to ask about people’s sexual health status before letting them put their tongue all up and in your mouth. You know what they say — an ounce of prevention is always gonna be worth a pound of cure (or treatment).
Practice intentional oral hygiene. Hopefully, brushing and flossing on a daily basis are a given. What I mean here is you should look for signs of cold sores, cuts, or lesions in your mouth (including a blister that you may get from a burned tongue) on a weekly basis. If any of these are evident in you or your partner, it’s best to wait to kiss (if you haven’t BOTH recently been tested).
Y’all be careful with all of the sexy biting. Speaking of open wounds (relatively speaking, anyway), although I once read that, according to the Kama Sutra, biting lips while kissing is a sign of strong desire and sexual arousal, it can also leave cuts that could make you more vulnerable to getting sick. So, on this one, enter with caution. Straight up.
Don’t kiss when you’re feeling under the weather. Mono, colds and the flu, COVID-19, stomach viruses — these are some of the other things that you and your partner can give to one another while exchanging a kiss. Since some of the symptoms that are related to these may mimic some that come from an STI/STD, it’s best to not kiss when you are sick — not until you can confirm what you have and (preferably) the symptoms have passed.
Get tested on a regular basis. The only way that you are going to know for sure that kissing is a low-risk behavior for you and your partner is if you both get tested. If you’d prefer to do it from the comfort, convenience, and privacy of your own home, there are STI/STD tests that you can have sent to you (like the ones here, here, and here). They aren’t necessarily the cheapest in the world, yet they are pretty darn accurate and can give you the peace of mind that you seek.
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Listen, I am Team Kissing just as much as the next person. However, whenever I stop to think about all that goes on in a mouth, I thought it was important that you become aware as well. As I said earlier, a good kiss is pretty incomparable. Let’s all just make sure that we leave kisses better and not worse off after experiencing them — literally and figuratively.
Amen? I’m sayin’.
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