Can’t Climax? 10 Questions You Should Ask Yourself
Sometimes, you just know when someone is lying. It doesn't have anything to do with their character, level of integrity, past patterns, body language or anything like that. When it comes to certain topics, based on what comes out of a person's mouth, you automatically know they're not telling the truth.
I don't need a dime to be happy. Lies.
I don't care what anyone thinks (anyone on the planet?!). Lies.
Having an orgasm isn't a big deal to me. Lies you tell.
That last lie? There's a wife who is constantly trying to pull that one over on me. According to her, although she had a very active sex life as a single woman and she's been married for close to two decades now, there's only been one man to give her an orgasm—and that man isn't her husband.
"It's fine, Shellie," she has said to me trying to sound like it's no big deal (the hell you say!). "If you ever get married, you'll realize that you shouldn't always put such an emphasis on sex." (I'm sorry…was that a dig on my relational status?)
Yeeeah. She's not gonna sell me on that. Yes, sex can be good, with or without an orgasm, but I'm not gonna ever act like it's cool nor will I be complacent with being in a sexual relationship where mutual climaxing ain't happenin'. Neither should the wife I just referenced. And you know what? Neither should you (check out "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex to Be" when you get a chance).
If you're sexually active and you've never had an orgasm before, don't feel bad; there are 10-15 percent of other women who haven't as well. In response to that, I've got a few points that you should consider. But if you're like the wife who has been to the mountaintop, just not that often, the following questions should (hopefully) get you to the root of the challenge (if it's about you) or problem (if it's due to where "he" is lackin').
Have You Ever Had an Orgasm Before?
GiphyIf you've never had an orgasm before, there are a few things to take note of. First, according to a lot of therapists, trouble climaxing is tied to these main issues—age (menopausal women sometimes struggle due to shifts in their hormones); political and religious beliefs (if you come from a very conservative upbringing and/or all you heard about sex was that you'll go to hell if you do it before marriage); whether you are in a fulfilling relationship or not (the safer you feel emotionally, the more likely you are to have an orgasm) and/or whether you are a survivor of sexual trauma or not all play a direct role.
On the physical tip, as far as vaginal orgasms go, the space in between your clitoris and your vaginal opening also plays a part. When the distance between the two are the space between your thumb and your thumb's knuckle, you are far more likely to experience orgasms via intercourse (although only about 30 percent of women can do that). You also need a partner who is going to provide vaginal, oral and genital stimulation. Not one. All three. (That might seem obvious but it's kind of shocking how many women don't receive this triple combo on a regular basis.)
So, if you have never experienced an orgasm before, these are all things that you should ponder before taking anything else into consideration.
Are You Talking About a Vaginal Orgasm Only?
70 percent of women profess to never having a vaginal orgasm from penile stimulation alone. Noted. But as far as climaxing is concerned, there is a whole world of other orgasms to explore. How many? Women can have 11 (at least)—clitoral, G-spot, blended, cervical, nipple and multiple are just a few of 'em.
So, when you say that you can't have an orgasm, I need you to be a little more specific. Do you mean that intercourse doesn't lead to one? Or, is it that, no matter what part of your body is stimulated, nothing seems to be going down? If it's more Column A than anything else, let yourself off the hook some. At least you're actually having some, right?
But if, to you, that is sooooo not the point, positions that could increase your chances of a vaginal orgasm include spooning, the Lotus position (which is basically having sex while sitting up and facing your partner) and reverse cowgirl should be able to help you out. Oh, investing in a sex pillow couldn't hurt either.
How Adventurous Has the Sex Been?
If you can't remember the last time that you had an orgasm, have you ever considered that you might just be…bored? The reason why I say that is because good sex requires a certain amount of spontaneity and creativity. I also say that due to a feature that was published in The Atlantic last February—"Women Get Bored with Sex in Long-Term Relationships". The gist of the article is it isn't so much that certain women aren't able to come so much as they aren't getting the kind of sex that they want. Since (most) men are able to orgasm in five minutes or less, they don't need as much outside-of-the-box thinking as women do. That said, what kind of sex turns you on? Does your partner know that? Has he been going above and beyond to make it happen?
There's another thing that needs to go on record concerning being bored. You could be bored because sex feels like a series of dull repetitious behaviors or you could feel bored because you think your partner is annoying and petty. Both are definitions of boredom. Just something (else) to think about.
Have You Been Getting Wet Enough?
When it comes to a woman having an orgasm, definitely wetter is better. Your diet, it being three days before or three days after your period, stress, breastfeeding (it can sometimes cause your estrogen levels to take a dive), not drinking enough water, certain medications, your body needing at least 20 minutes of foreplay in order to "warm up"—all of these things could be the reason why you're not lubed up enough.
What are the remedies for these things? You could always make your own lubricant (there's a cool recipe here). As far as your diet goes, eating foods with omega-3 fatty acids (like salmon, flaxseeds and seaweed); taking a B-complex and evening primrose oil supplement; cooking with extra-virgin olive oil more often; eating phytoestrogen-rich foods like big cherries, oats and wheat berries will also help. Oh, so does more foreplay including more oral sex since, well, saliva (and sexual stimulation) is involved.
What’s Your Diet Currently Like?
On the heels of mentioning the foods that will help to make you wetter, there are also foods that can increase your chances of having an orgasm altogether. Last January, I penned a list of aphrodisiacs. Two herbal teas that will increase your sex drive include maca and red clover (especially in post-menopausal women).
And then there's what you need to consume a lot less of. I'll give you one guess. Sugar. For starters, it makes you tired, increases stress and lowers testosterone levels in both men and women. And yes, even women need a certain amount of testosterone in their system in order to have a really good time.
How Have You Been Treating Yourself Lately?
Another reason why you may not be having orgasms (or as many as you would like) has nothing to do with sex, your partner or your diet. It has everything to do with you. Women who have off-the-charts sex are women who are open to doing it with the lights on and engaging in dirty talk (both giving and receiving). She will get out of the bed to try it in other locations and, she initiates from time to time too. Sometimes she's in fancy lingerie, sometimes boy shorts and a tank—sometimes, she greets her man butt naked. What all of these things point to is a woman who has a good amount of self-esteem.
There's scientific research to support that there is a direct link between a woman's level of self-esteem and a woman's level of sexual satisfaction. So, if you're looking for a man or sex to make you feel good amount yourself, that's gonna be counterproductive, both in and out of the bedroom. Start with feeling good about yourself…first.
Are Things Good with You and Your Partner?
Once you're in a good space with yourself, you can effectively move on to what's happening (or not happening) between you and your partner. Take simultaneous orgasms, for example. It's so much easier for a couple to pull this off if their mind, body and spirits are totally in sync.
I remember once hearing a pastor say during one of his sermons (good for him for bringing it up too!) that he and his wife have great sex, in part, because he gives her great foreplay before they hit the bedroom. He calls to tell her that he loves her. He brings roses home for "no reason". He cooks dinner and cleans up the kitchen afterwards. After all that, she's more than ready!
All of this reminds me ofThe Cosby Show episode when, while on a romantic getaway, Claire explained to Cliff what she needed in order to feel desirable. Cliff finally caught the memo when he first kissed Claire's hand, her arm, her ear and then he said, "You know something? I love you. Very, very much. It's a privilege to wake up in the morning and see your face. You are my life, and I mean that." Boy, it was on and poppin' in that hotel room after that!
The biggest sex organ is our brain. If your man isn't connecting with you mentally and emotionally, I wouldn't be surprised in the least if that's what's holding things up physically. Hmph. Make sure he gets that memo.
Could You Be Overthinking It?
Speaking of the brain, another thing that could be keeping you from climaxing is performance anxiety. No joke. There are a lot of men who aren't able to maintain erections and women who aren't able to truly and fully let go so that they can climax and it's all because their minds are racing 10 miles per minute. It could be due to thoughts like, "Will my partner think I'm good in bed?" or "What can I do to not make them think about someone else?"
Some of us are notorious for creating full dramas (or horror flicks) in our head, all because we choose to create problems that actually aren't there. If you can't seem to internally handle the issues that are hindering you from enjoying sex, share them with your partner or friend. If that doesn't relieve your stress, you might need to discuss what's troubling you with a reputable therapist. You might look up and realize that the stress and tension that's connected to your job, other relationships, lack of sleep, etc. could be the root cause of what's going on—not your feelings concerning your bedroom performance.
What Has Your Doctor Said?
Speaking of speaking with professionals, as much as I tried to touch on what you can do on your own, if your inability to orgasm has to do with medications or a drastic shift in your hormone levels, there's a pretty good chance that you're not gonna be able to change that without some additional assistance.
To a certain extent, that's good news, because if it is health-related, once you get a full medical work-up, your doctor should be able to diagnose the issue and get you and your body right to where it needs to be. So, if it's been more than a year since you've seen your physician, this is definitely something that you should put on your to-do list.
Are You Rushing the Process?
Good things take time. Orgasms are a really good thing! Between learning about yourself, your partner and figuring out what are turn ons and total turn offs, don't expect things to come together overnight. Also, don't expect sex to be exactly the same every single time.
You can go to Google and see that Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was our ability to have an orgasm (especially a vaginal one). But if you apply these tips, have an unselfish partner and you're patient with the process, you'll find that you're closer to having your mind blown that you think.
Author JD Salinger once said, "A woman's body is like a violin. All that it takes a terrific musician to play it right." I couldn't agree more. Tell your man that I said, from the very bottom of my heart, "Play on, playa…play on!"
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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